Just found out my GF has slept with a lot of guys...

[jwer]

Hello all, first time poster here. I have a question about my relationship with my girlfriend of 9 months.

Me: 24, 1 previous proper girlfriend, sex with 1 other girl
Her: 22, 2 previous proper boyfriends, sex with 10 other guys

First, let me just say that I am totally in love with my girlfriend and I'm sure I'm going to marry her. We have an excellent relationship with solid communication, common life goals, common morals, strong physical attraction, etc. We had sex for the first time 3 weeks after we met, and ever since then we both have known this relationship to be something special.

I just found out two days ago that she had slept with 10 guys before she ever met me. She said that she regretted having sex with 9 of the guys because they ditched her afterward. My initial reaction to this new knowledge was shock but later I felt more jealous, angry, confused. This girl, whom I assumed, like me, had only had sex with one other person in her life, was not as innocent as I had supposed. I was very upset for a while but did not show her; I went for a really long walk instead.

Later, after describing my feelings with her and asking more questions I discovered that the most recent guy on her list of 10 was someone I knew. In fact, it was someone she had introduced me to once, someone we had both partied with, someone she had stayed with on a trip to Panama she had taken 3 months after she had met me (the guy is a Peace CORPS volunteer stationed in Panama). To be fair, she had planned the trip before ever meeting me. Still, never in our conversations about her trip or time spent with that guy did it come up that they had been intimate. I'll be honest, I find the guy to be an attractive and strong man and I'm intimidated by him; shoot, I feel damned inferior to him, so I cannot help but analyze everything about myself and compare it to him, which makes me feel pretty awful. In addition, the fact that this guy had sex with my girl and then decided not to continue an intimate relationship with her (according to her that is what she wanted) makes me feel like the guy she SETTLED for.

I know the only problem in this situation exists in my head but it is nevertheless a problem. When I think about my girlfriend's previous guys (especially the peace CORPS guy) I end up in a nauseating loop of jealousy and hurt. It just makes me sick to think of any other guy being with her, especially when I've seen the guy with my own eyes. What can I do to get over this????

[Kaius]

I know what you mean. I am a lot older than you, and I get that feeling. Knowing other men have slept with the woman you love...it's just not something you wanna think about.
You have a few options:
1) Get over it...it's in the past... and she love you NOW.
2) Stew in this jealous feeling, internalize it, and drive yourself INSANE.
3) Break up with her, and find someone who has fewer past partners.

It's strange that she never revealed this stuff earlier on. I would imagine, if interested, people would reveal their sexual history to their partner early on.
She cannot change the past. You can't change her past. You either let it go, or let her go. I can relate to your train of thoughts because I have same
tendency. I think you need a girl who is as innocent as you.

[Mish]

My initial reaction to this new knowledge was shock but later I felt more jealous, angry, confused.

I feel damned inferior to him, so I cannot help but analyze everything about myself and compare it to him, which makes me feel pretty awful.

I guess the main question is why do you feel that way? What makes you feel inferior? Do you normally feel inferior to other people even if it has nothing to do with your gf? If yes then how do you normally cope? If no, then what's the real difference?

[lahnnabell]

Why did you go digging into her past? And why did you assume that she'd only been with one other guy? Christ almighty. You little boys need to get over it. She has a past. If you had slept with 11 girls in your past, would it make you feel better about the 10 notches on her bedpost?

[Natlee]

I think jealousy over the person you love and their past sexual partners is something most people experience when they find out. But it is the past, she is with you now and it sounds like you are both really happy together. But if you keep feeling this jealousy then your going to ruin your relationship so get over it. Don't compare yourself to any of them because she is with you and obviously loves you the way you are, not those who dumped her.

[jwer]

Thanks for the replies, all.

Kaius,you're right that those are my only 3 options. I think I'll choose #1. I guess I am also angry that she didn't tell me about this sooner, considering she knew all about my meager history. Her reasoning was that if she had told me sooner I may have broken up with her, which would have only been true if she had told me before the second date.

Mishanya, I guess I've had mild self-esteem problems my whole life. They caused me to drop out of sports sophomore year of HS, caused me to avoid dating, etc etc. Maybe I should see a counselor..

lahnnabell, you're joking, right? Her past is important to me. I want to know what makes her the way she is. We have a common understanding that if one of us has a question about the other, it deserves an answer. And yes, if I had slept with 11 girls in the past instead of just the 1 I think I would feel a whole lot better about this because then it would mean that we were at equal levels of experience and innocence.

Natlee, thank you for making me feel somewhat normal. You're right, she's with ME now.

digsnz, that is a very interesting thought to ponder, that he is jealous of me. Could very well be true. Thank you. After talking to her more she insists that I'm the best lover she's ever had, and I believe her due to how often she gets off during sex. It is indeed a major ego boost.

[lilly1185]

She's the same girl you were dating before you knew about this other past sexual encounters-
why be jealous?
She's with you, and it sounds like she isn't hopping into beds with other people- so why worry?

[lahnnabell]

lahnnabell, you're joking, right? Her past is important to me. I want to know what makes her the way she is. We have a common understanding that if one of us has a question about the other, it deserves an answer. And yes, if I had slept with 11 girls in the past instead of just the 1 I think I would feel a whole lot better about this because then it would mean that we were at equal levels of experience and innocence.

It is NOT normal to obsess over this little details of which you cannot control. How do you expect to move forward in this relationship if you can't let go of this? I understand that her past is important, but what should take priority is getting thoroughly tested for STDs and using proper protection against pregnancy and disease. That's the part of her past that you should be concerned with.

Obviously you knowing that she's slept with 10 other guys paints a bad picture of her. Doesn't mean she's a slut, or that she's impure. This whole "innocence" BS really ticks me off.

Don't punish her by becoming an insecure little boy. If you can't man up and deal with the fact that she has a past, I guarantee you she will find someone who can. People are rarely at precise equal levels of experience. And (hypothetically) just because you've slept with 11 girls doesn't make you experienced. For all you know, all you did was jackhammer those girls until they got bored and faked it. Experience takes time, it's not a number. Quality, not quantity.

[jwer]

It is NOT normal to obsess over this little details of which you cannot control.
Don't punish her by becoming an insecure little boy.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. For the record, I'm not taking this out on her in the slightest. I already told her that this is a difficult thing for me NOT because of what she did but because I am insecure. I told her that I'm going to work on this privately and get over it privately, hence my post on this board. I WANT to get over this. But HOW? I can't keep the initial thought from surfacing.

[therealjag]

have a break and sleep with someone else. or just stop thinkin about it and enjoy your life

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, just stop thinking about it. What's she supposed to do, travel back in time and cancel those sexual encounters? Not happening.

[vashti]

I hope you learned your lesson about divulging too much info about your previous relationships. (Hopefully, SHE did, too.) This info is meant to be private. The only thing you actually have a right to know is virginal status (if it matters to one or the other), whether they are STD-free, and if they can maintain exclusivity. All other info is potentially destructive.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This is hilarious. You think 11 guys is a lot? First off, her number is probably higher than that, she just knew she couldn't tell you that its over 20 no matter how long you've been dating, just think about how easy it is for a girl to get laid if she wants to. Let it go bud, if she's with you now, it's for a reason, so don't sweat the past because it's clear she will move on quickly from you if you let this toxify your relationship.

[amb5059]

You should break up and bang a few more girls.... JK!

In all honesty... the feeling will pass and I understand completely this shock. If you were with more girls, this feeling wouldn't be there. But since you are committed to this girl, then you'll just have to find peace with it yourself. If you can't get over it, then you probably shouldn't be with her.

[jwer]

Thanks all for your responses. A few days have passed now and though I haven't been able to stop myself from thinking about this, I no longer get jealous or insecure. I decided that I would treat my girl to a candle-lit, home-cooked meal one night, and wine and a sunset in the park another night. I remembered why we are together in the first place and when I look into her eyes I can see how she feels about me. Also, the sex has been especially amazing the past few days; we're both sore and I've got scratch marks on my chest >.

I think the best advice I read on here was to avoid taking out my negative feelings on her.. on the most part I avoided this and now that the negative feelings are fading, I'm very glad that I did.

I appreciate very much the time each of you took to respond to my posts. Good luck.