I think I did the right thing!

[elrod071]

I think I did the right thing!
It's been on and off now for two years with my girlfriend. Her kids have horrible bahavior problems. Counseling has been going on for five months and no results. I've had to leave several times in the past two years due to the problems it has generated between us.

We took a month off from seeing eachother. I went over and spent the weekend. We take the kids to the park. The oldest, almost 9 was sitting backwards on one of the animal rides. His mother told him five times to turn around and he just turned it into a power struggle. He has defiant behavior, doesn't like to be told what to do. He's 9 and thinks he's 30, but acts like he's 5. So then, he gets mad and starts shoving the animal ride he was on out of anger. Then he runs up behind his mother and shoves her! I'm thinking to myself, if he gets this mad over something this stupid at 9yrs., what is it going to turn into when he's 15 and someone or something really makes him mad? The mother said, get your ass in the car and you are in bed for the rest of the night when we get home, then we left for the supermarket to get a few things.

At the store, we get out of the car and he turns on the waterworks thinking that it would cancel out the early bedtime. At tactic he often uses on her. She told him that she forgave him but he was still going to bed when we got home. He then got angry again, dropped his gatorade on the ground, kicks it, and it goes rolling across the parking lot. Mother tells him to go get it. No he said. So she goes and gets it. Then we get up to the shopping carts. His 3 yr old brother gets into the cart. Then he tries to and his mom said no, you can walk. He said, fine i'm staying right here. We walked about 80 feet to the main door, looked back, he was still in the same spot. His mom went back to get him.

Towards the end of shopping, he had aske for some icre cream out of the store freezer. The mother said ok. We stood there for about 3 minutes waiting for "your hinus" to decide what he wanted. At that point, I was like, screw this! The kids acts the way he did and now we're waiting on him for this! I just started walking towards the cash register.

We get home, she is cooking dinner. He's out on the couch sucking down yogurt treats watching cartoons until dinner is ready! I said to her about it. She got pissy and said, he's going to bed after dinner.

I did end up leaving the next day, which i can go into later. My point is that life is too short to stay with someone who you love when two kids made life complete hell for the two years i've been with her.

This has been an ongoing problem for six years for the oldest child. I used to live next to the Grandparents, that's why i know it's been going on for a long time. Their mom has a new excuse for his rotten behavior. The excuse is that he doesn't want me in the picture and knows from past experience that if he's bad enough, I will leave because i can't stand it. Whatever! He's always been like this.

They are very strong willed, nobody tells them what to do, they tell other person what to do, mean to animals, loud, screaming,slamming doors, demanding, disresprectful, no fear of adults type of kids and I can't see it ever changing. So I think that i did the right thing for my sanity by leaving her.....

[vashti]

why did you post this twice? Didn't like what I said?

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/43221-i-think-i-did-right-thing.html[/url]

[roy_delene]

some guys aren't ready for instant fatherhood. You have to what you have to do. I couldn't condemn you for it, I'd probably run out to the car while they were in the store fighting and arguing. I've been in similar relationships. I can say it must be hell to be a single mother. I have a lot of respect for a woman who can take care of children who cause problems like that and they don't turn out to be screwed up when they are adults .
I don't know if anyone is giving you crap for getting out of that relationship or not, but if they are they can date this woman.

[elrod071]

thanks Roy......I know i'm doin the right thing here. thanks vashti, not so much. i just wanted to get input from the men and the ladies....

[QueenofCorona]

Being involved with someone with children isn't easy, when the kids act out its added stress. Did you and the mother ever have a conversation about you disciplining the kids? Regardless, its best for everyone involved if you feel you can't be around for the long haul. Better to cut ties now and call it a loss than to half ass it.

[elrod071]

Thanks Queen for the reply.......As for the kids, i don't even know if i'd call it acting out because it's all the time, all day, every day. i've never seen anything like it. it just doesn't stop, ever! It's contant stress.......

yes, we did talk about me disciplining the kids, but i'm only allow to yell at them. My power is not so much! The y know that i can't spank them. She won't even spank them that hard because she's affraid that he ex husband (who takes pics of them when they scrape their knee in their mom's care and keeps a so called "bo bo book") will turn her into children and youth services.....which he has already tried to do. Talk about having authority taken away from the mother! Funny thing is, he ex denies there is any kind of a problem with their behavior even though it's daiagnosed by a behavior specialist. IDK if it's genetic or what. The father is the type that is very defiant, nobody tells him what to do, he tells everyone else what to do, mean to animals, disrespectful to others, horrible temper. I see all of these traits in those two kids and it isn't going away with the counseling.

[roy_delene]

You aren't married to this woman and you're not the kids biological father. Its not your responsibility to hand out discipline to theses kids. You will only get yourself in trouble by stepping in to play the father role.

[hurt_confuzd]

why did you post this twice? Didn't like what I said?

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/43221-i-think-i-did-right-thing.html[/url]

Nobody ever likes what you say, 95% of the time.

[vashti]

Nobody ever likes what you say, 95% of the time.

Yes, because the truth hurts.

Now run along, and play with your dirty balls.

[Gigabitch]

Told you before, this isn't a kid problem. It's a parent problem. You need to get the mom into counseling, not just the kids.

Also, your inconsistency (leaving several times) can't have helped, nor can your attitude. You've been told by many people on this forum that you aren't really qualified to be in this relationship. Maybe you should listen.

[lilly1185]

I'm not sure that it's a counseling resolved issue but more of a parenting class sort?

There are plenty of Parent assist type things all over the US, these kids are just using a manipulation tactic. All kids do it- and it's especially difficult for a single parent because they feel like they have to compensate. Often times, they over do it.

What you're doing is saying to these kids "You can't rely or depend on me if things get serious with your mom".
So, if you can't help out, or won't, or just keep leaving because things are too hectic, try dating someone without kids.
The last thing this woman needs is her children AND you behaving like a child.

[VincenzoG91]

The ladies here are being unfair, especially since the OP posed this question in the Ask a Male section. Speaking as a single guy who has never had kids, but has dated women with kids in the past, I support your decision. And I believe that most single guys would agree. Her older boy sounds terrible, and I wouldn't have put up with that for long. Sure, maybe the kid would eventually become easier to deal with after some counseling for him and/or his mother. But why should the OP have to suffer through all that when he could just date a woman without bad kids? Why eat out of a garbage can if you can afford to dine at a nice restaurant? Why crawl on broken glass if you can just get up and walk over it with shoes on? Why? When I encounter a major dealbreaker early on, I back away. The only time I didn't was when I got involved with the meth addict, and I didn't figure out that she was addict until we had been together for five months. And her kids were angels compared to what the OP has described, which is a major reason why I hung in there even after I learned about the addiction.

[elrod071]

VincenzoG91....thanks dude. yeah my best friend advised me long ago to leave her because he saw this comming. i just didn't want to see it and hoped the kids would get better but it never happened.

[vashti]

The ladies here are being unfair, especially since the OP posed this question in the Ask a Male section. Speaking as a single guy who has never had kids, but has dated women with kids in the past, I support your decision. And I believe that most single guys would agree. .

Read again. No one thinks this guy belongs with this woman. He is not cut out for parenting.

[elrod071]

like i asked you before vashti (whatever that stupid name means) please don't reply to my stuff. you are just a pain in the butt. your comments are non productive and you are not trying to help. you are simply put, a smart ass! i'm on here looking for help and you are like a fly buzzing around my head that won't go away. now, if you keep this up, it only proves that you are just trying to antagonize. Let's see what happens!