Miserable

[J.K.]

Is it normal to feel heartbroken and depressed for a long period, say several months?

I've had no "healthy" relationship over the past 4 years, don't feel like talking about details. Now aged 26 and feel like a piece of trash. On more than one occasion, random people would stop me while strolling in the park and ask if I needed help, explaining the expression on my face resembled a "fear of death" situation.

Obviously after several fiasco relationships gone wrong one tends to seek quilt in himself and it's starting to affect my work, my sleep and personality. I'm 6'4", have a respectable job, a nice car and even my very own apartment. So people who know me think this guy has it all, but it's far from the truth. Couldn't even care less about this things as all I ever want in life is a nice girl that returns the love I give.

I've read the sticky threads and they're well written, but I don't feel better, even a bit. So if anyone has a kind word of advice that might help, please do so.

[Teddy057]

Attitude is everything my friend. It is true that the only thing that truly matters in life is having someone to spend it with, but you can't dwell on the fact that you don't have that person right now. No one wants to be with some financially stable depressed looking guy, that's a fact. You have two ways to live your life, your current way, of being depressed and hating everything, OR you could do a complete 180 and be HAPPY. People are drawn towards happiness and smiles, you need to do that. If you cannot simply do that, I suggest seeking professional help.

[IncognitoSir]

Attitude is everything my friend. It is true that the only thing that truly matters in life is having someone to spend it with, but you can't dwell on the fact that you don't have that person right now. No one wants to be with some financially stable depressed looking guy, that's a fact. You have two ways to live your life, your current way, of being depressed and hating everything, OR you could do a complete 360 and be HAPPY. People are drawn towards happiness and smiles, you need to do that. If you cannot simply do that, I suggest seeking professional help.

Dude, whatever you do, don't do a 360. Why end up where you already are, instead, do a 180 and turn your life around. You're just in a rough spot man. maybe professional help would help you but you have to gain the confidence to make changes in your life. Believe me, you'r already halfway there! Hold it together and tackle you personal problems one at a time.

[Teddy057]

I meant 180, haha. Math and I don't go well.

[cmacattack1]

Hey, when we go a long time without a serious, sustaining relationship, it kind of makes you feel like a failure. You see so called "happy" couples around you and wonder what you don't have and what you are doing wrong. That's not a bad question. Why were the relationships in your fast so unhealthy and horrible? Do you pin all the blame on them, and make poor choices? Are you somewhat responsible and fail to accept your responsibility in those relationships? These are the questions you should be asking and trying to figure out on your own.

But having a woman in your life shouldn't define you. It shouldn't be something you need. Strangers off the street can tell you are in pain, any decent girl you run into is probably going to be scared out of her mind. You have to come to peace with yourself, your issues, your demons, and everything that has ever gone wrong in your life. When you can let that stuff go, accept responsibility where you can, you can take a huge burden off your shoulders. Followed by finding happiness with yourself by doing things that do make you happy. When you can be happy with yourself, you are ready to be happy with somebody else. Add somebody to your life to enhance your happiness, not because you depend on them for it.

[bluesummer]

You don't find love until you learn to love youself, and enjoy your life alone. Do things that make you happy and feel good about yourself, and don't focus on the lack of a relationship. It will come. Self-confidence and happiness will draw women. A man who is depressive and needy will not.

[J.K.]

Well thanks for the advice, but becoming more happy isn't as easy as it sounds. After work there's an old property and 15 acres of forest that need my attention, though not all the time hobbies do suffer a bit. Speaking of which include fishing, chess and RC modeling, not exactly subjects you discuss with or are girls fond of.

Family is also a tad of a problem: we are small and most relatives live elsewhere. Returning to an empty home after school had not been unusual. As far as professional help goes, I've never considered it. Who knows it may help but the local psy is a real patient himself, few like him.

Anyway this last girl was the biggest breaker of all, she was just too good to be true, I'd fallow her to the grave. Almost fell to pieces when she fell for someone else. Getting over her won't be easy.

[Natlee]

You need to get over the last girl you saw cause one day you will find someone better but until you are happy with yourself then you should not be looking for anyone else. If what you want is someone to love then start by getting help towards loving yourself first then try socialising, get friends or colleagues and go out and then through doing more and getting out you will find someone or even be introduced through someone to someone special.

[drdamian]

Hey yes it is normal to feel miserable so don't think you are alone ok...you should try being around friends and family...true you might feel that they don't understand what you're going through but it helps alot being around people you know...you should start focusing on yourself go on a vacation with your family or friends...even if you don't feel like it its good if you do...a change of scenery can do wonders...do little projects and engage with the outside world...don't try and cut yourself from the rest...

[lovesjoyajm]

I know it sounds cliche, but the best advice I ever got (even if it took hearing it repeatedly for years for me to listen) was "Choose your attitude". If you choose every morning to make today a good day, and decide that you actually want to be happy, eventually you will be able to convince yourself. Sure, it can be two-steps-forward, one-step-back a lot of the time. But you can stop your pain from ruining your life - you just have to want it and work at it.

I had this experience a few years ago - I arrived in a new place completely heartbroken and the smallest mention of love or romance would send me spiraling into tears and depression. But I knew I wanted to enjoy my year. I tried everything I could to forget about my problems, faking being happy half the time, and going out of my way to do fun things. Nothing seemed to work. I was depressed for months. And then strangely I began to feel proud of myself for pushing through and really trying to make the most of this experience despite my initial desire to curl up and sleep for 10 months. By the end of the year, I was single, and truly, deeply happy. Plus, I don't fear heartbreak as I used to because I've learned that our minds are capable of overpowering our feelings over time if we try.