Mayday, Mayday, Sex Is Plumeting!!

[snowking82]

Hi,

I moved in with my girlfriend a couple months ago; we use to have sex all the time but lately sex has been plumeting to the ground. I understand this normally happens in marriages over time and especially when you have kids, but we have been dating for only 2 1/2 years and I don't think we should be at this point right now in our relationship. The only thing I can blame this on is we see each other all the time so the desire isn't as high as it use to be; let me rephrase that her desire isn't as high (haha) compared to when we only saw each other on the weekends.

Anyway, it's just frustrating now because being a guy my sex drive is through the roof and I love having sex with her because she is beatiful and we both enjoy it a lot; I would have sex with her everyday if I could pull that off. I always initiate sex but lately I've been getting the chicken wing and the I'm tired song and dance, and after getting turned down over and over it just doesn't make my self-esteem feel high/good anymore.

I've tried holding back and not initiating sex anymore, and letting her do it for once but that didn't work out too well. Next thing you know she's never initiating sex and 2 months go by. I feel sex is really important for a healthy relationship and I hate that we are at this point still in the dating phase.

I know most girls are more emotional and don't like to jump right into sex; so I even tried massaging her back/shoulders/neck to try to get her into the mood. This works sometimes, but again it's me initiating sex and never her. She said in the past she likes it when I initiate it because she likes knowing I want her, but hey I like that same feeling too!!

I feel we differ in what are needs are; she loves when I hug, hold, and kiss her and I do this for her because I know this is what she likes. But on the other hand; my thing is I like having sex with her and only her, but it's not fair that she gets her needs fufilled but I'm stuck with all this pent up sexual tention.

Lately, she's been saying lets go lay in bed just to cuddle only or she reads a book and then falls asleep, meanwhile I just lay there watching TV. So instead of going to sleep at the same time as her now, I usually put her to sleep but then go back to the living room to watch TV on the big screen.

It's just frustrating because the less sex we have the more I notice how I snap at here for something I would normally just let slide in the past because it wouldn't be worth getting into an arguement over. But in the past when I bring up that we never have sex anymore she comes back with "oh, great thanks for making feel like crap that we don't have sex", and that definitely doesn't help the situation at all.

I just feel our sex drives are at 2 different points; she feels that we have sex just the right amount of times, but I feel like we should be having a lot more...so it's not a win win situation for me.

Any advice on what I can say to her to make her see how important sex is for me; just the way she sees how important hugs/kisses/holding her are to her??

Thank you,

snowking82

[Gigabitch]

Don't let this slide. Sit her down and talk to her about it seriously. Explain to her in no uncertain terms that you are not getting your needs met and ask her why that's okay with her. Why is her sex drive the only sex drive that matters?

[girl68]

And when she uses that line on you keep talking as if she hadn't said that.

[grn Eyez]

You are right guys & girls have totally different sex drives, only she can really tell you what's going on. But it is different when you don't live togehter versus living together, you see each other's habits, maybe some not so good from either of you. I know when my husband moved in w/ me our sex life slowed as well, but it was on his end not mine. I would have to practically beg to get sex or just to give him a BJ.
Unfortunately neither of you will be in sync with what you think is the right amount of sex, but you both need to comprise which you sound like you are, she needs to get on the same page.
My husband says the same thing he could do it everyday, I think he's mad but hey that's what he would like, now me well if we had a better relationship I would probably be the same but right now maybe once a week. See for girls our feelings get in the way of our sex drive. It sucks but it does, if I'm upset, not feeling 100%, the kids are awake, the dog is in the room, uh I swear anything affects my mood. Hell there's been times that I was totally into it, my youngest got up to go the bathroom & there ya go bye bye mood! It sucks but I can't hear that & be still rearing to go like my husband.
I guess try & have a serious talk about it (which I'm sure you have), & see what happens. Good Luck!
grn eyez

[snowking82]

Thanks for the replies...

Yeah, I hear ya grn Eyez...girl's feelings definitely get in the way of sex. All I need to hear from her is she had a bad day at work, and I know my chances for sex are out the window. haha.

I want to talk to her about this in a more serious way, lately, I've just been throwing out suddle joking hints hoping she would get the point but that hasn't worked. But I feel like talking about this in a serious way; takes the whole fun out of it. Even if she agrees to up her quota on sex, in the back of my mind I will always know she really doesn't want to have sex and she is almost being forced into doing it just to please me. And that in turn won't please me; I want her to want to have sex with me on her own terms.

I like to keep things interesting, and I would love for one day for her to be pro-active and suprise me in some sexy lingerie when I get home but this has yet to happen. The only time I see any sexy lingerie is when I ask her to put it on, and at that point it's me again initiating it. I suprise her with flowers sometimes out of the blue and she loves when I do stuff like that. I'm not a flowers guy, but I would love if she suprised me in some sexy lingerie out of the blue; that would be better than flowers and cheaper! haha. I like your style grn Eyez, I would love for my girlfriend to be that forward with sex and especially BJs. ;-) haha.

In the end, I have to increase my alone time...and then sometimes she asks how often I do it and of course I have to lie and say not that much just so I don't make her feel bad. But in the back of my mind I would really like to say; well each time your too sleepy or not in the mood is when I increase my alone time! haha.

Thanks for listening, it's good to vent and get some advice from people who have been in the same/similar situations...

snowking82

[BackUpOrGetStng]

When is your lease up? Definitely don't sign another one with her. Honestly, this is always the beginning of the end. I suggest you start looking around for someone new, so you're ready to break it off when your lease is over.

As you said, if she does up her quota, it will only be to please you, not because she wants to, which in turn is just going to cause more resentment. Start detaching yourself emotionally now, and start looking for someone else.

[RdHrshyKss]

eh, i don't agree with backup...sounds like you really love this girl and from how you speak of her, sounds like she loves you too. you guys just aren't meshing well on a certain level. you said that you guys used to only hang out on the weekends when you weren't living together, so that makes me think that you guys were having sex on the weekends. and all that sexual energy was probably coming from you guys missing each other and enjoying that intimacy after not seeing each other all week. since you guys live together now (and have only been living together for a couple months) things are going to shift. you see each other every day. that feeling of missing the other person that initiated the sex drive on both your parts is gone. i would say spend time apart from each other more. go out and do your own thing. hang out with friends, pick up a hobby like bicycling or whatever. the time apart will help get that rejuvenated a bit. my bf and i have been living together for over a year and sex drive dropped like crazy. it takes an effort on both parties, her to initiate more and you to be patient. you aren't going to get it every time you want it and that's something you have to deal with. but you definitely need to sit her down and have a serious conversation with her about it. your sexual needs are not being met, and there is no reason that her sexual needs should be more important than yours. tell her how you feel and that you want to work on things before it gets any worse. that if she needs you to do anything to get her in the mood you are all ears and willing.

[xxazurexx]

When is your lease up? Definitely don't sign another one with her. Honestly, this is always the beginning of the end. I suggest you start looking around for someone new, so you're ready to break it off when your lease is over.

As you said, if she does up her quota, it will only be to please you, not because she wants to, which in turn is just going to cause more resentment. Start detaching yourself emotionally now, and start looking for someone else.

I agree and that this could be signalling the start of the end of the relationship. I think it's normal and when then the 'lust' period wears off, for sex to die down and to become less frequent than it was. But you are going TWO MONTHS?? I'm sorry, but it doesn't tend to be as infrequent as that for most 'normal' couples who have a desire to have sex more frequently than once every 2 months I would imagine.

I don't care what anyone says, but sexual compatibility is important and if one proves to have a lower sex drive than the other, resentment will grow and build over time and not just for the one who feels they aint getting enough, but the one who feels forced to give more also. For the one feeling forced to give more, sex becomes more of a chore rather than something they want to do.

I also don't think you can kindle a higher sex drive, in someone who just obviously doesn't have one. It's either something you have or you don't.

[xxazurexx]

eh, i don't agree with backup...sounds like you really love this girl and from how you speak of her, sounds like she loves you too. you guys just aren't meshing well on a certain level. you said that you guys used to only hang out on the weekends when you weren't living together, so that makes me think that you guys were having sex on the weekends. and all that sexual energy was probably coming from you guys missing each other and enjoying that intimacy after not seeing each other all week. since you guys live together now (and have only been living together for a couple months) things are going to shift. you see each other every day. that feeling of missing the other person that initiated the sex drive on both your parts is gone. i would say spend time apart from each other more. go out and do your own thing. hang out with friends, pick up a hobby like bicycling or whatever. the time apart will help get that rejuvenated a bit. my bf and i have been living together for over a year and sex drive dropped like crazy. it takes an effort on both parties, her to initiate more and you to be patient. you aren't going to get it every time you want it and that's something you have to deal with. but you definitely need to sit her down and have a serious conversation with her about it. your sexual needs are not being met, and there is no reason that her sexual needs should be more important than yours. tell her how you feel and that you want to work on things before it gets any worse. that if she needs you to do anything to get her in the mood you are all ears and willing.

I agree with this also.

We have to explore all avenues and before we just give up.

[lahnnabell]

More often than not, if I'm down to get it on, and my boyfriend's not particularly horny, he'll still do me the favor of pleasing me because it makes him happy to see me happy. Now, this doesn't happen all the time, and I'm perfectly able to understand that it's not a direct result of anything I did. It doesn't mean I'm undesirable. Sometimes people just have off days, and sex is the last thing on their minds. However, 2 months without is not normal, especially when you are with a person you claim to care for.

Women somehow get this warped idea that because men are stereotypical horn dogs that they have to play the "Sex Nazi" role. But when you are in a relationship, you are equals. No one is supposed to be in total control of every facet including sex. I'm at a loss to understand why she seems to think that physical intimacy is not important. I also agree with the tactics the above posters have given you. There needs to be a serious discussion. And don't let her avoid or back out of it by getting defensive and/or hysterical. Stay calm. You need to set the tone for this if you want to have any chance at a rational conversation.

[Fene]

Maybe consider some ideas to spice up your sex life some more.. Get a sexual positions book or look online for some new sexual positions that you've never tried. Look together and point out some that you would both like to try out When she's at work try texting her saying what you want to do to her when she gets home, hopefully she'll be thinking about it for the rest of the day and when she returns she'll be ready and willing to get it on!

Just a few tips, hope they help. If you want anymore feel free to ask and i'll do my best to provide some more.

[SiezeTheDay]

You shouldn't give to recive
So if your going to lie there cuddling and kissing her, and rubing her back, I'd do it out of love, not with the hope that your gonna get something.
You know we see right through that...right?

As a female, I tend to think we're not as...physical as men. I think we can get abit lazy about these sorts of things.
One thing, I know I always loved to do was talk. Just about anything, but if I got home and my boyfriend would sit and listen to me natter away about some crap it'd make me feel better. Feeling good is part of the process.
When she wakes up in the morning, remind her that you think shes beauiful. That always makes me feel special
Cuddling and kissing sometimes feels alot more romantic than just "having sex"
So I would run her a bath and light her sented candles, and I'd buy her chocolate and a bottle of wine, watch girly films with her, ask her what happened in her book, all the cleshe stuff
When you go shopping pick out bra's and panties you'd think would look nice on her, and remind her that shes beautiful anyway.
You could even go as far as buying her a new pair of underwear to wear.

Dont mistake her not having sex with you for not wanting too.
I think biologically men are designed to want to have sex more anyway

[iHEARTu]

make love to yourself. thats what i'd do. But i dont have that problem cause im the female but its strange. my bf isnt all that much into sex. O.O i mean we do it whenever we get the chance.... but sometimes i'll try to initiate and he'll be like "no. i just want to hug you." and im like "BROWNIE POINTS!"

basically. do things that make her feel alive. hug her, cuddle with her. SPEND TIME WITH HER. take her out. maybe to the beach or to the movies or rent a movie. or heck, download a movie, burn it and then watch it for all i care, or just borrow a movie from a friend- thats more legal... basically. to get her in the mood, dot on her. make her feel like a woman. give her foot rubs, massage her, touch her, and just generally lead up to it... yknow. start kissing her neck and stuff, man.

but most importantly. TALK TO HER. if your girl is like me- we thrive on speaking. Sometimes we dont care what it is- we just want you to talk to us. ♥

[snowking82]

Thanks for all the replies everyone...very good advice from all.

I'm definitely not going to walk away from this relationship just based on sex. All other aspects of our relationship are really really great; so this is just one part that I feel we both need to work on so we both get our needs met sexually.

Thanks again; if I have any updates I'll be sure to let you guys know! :-)

snowking82

[Fene]

No problem bud, I hope everything works out for you