had a fight with my bf, input would be appreciated...

[RdHrshyKss]

so those of you who have read some of my other posts know that i'm a little koo-koo and tend to be too emotional...i over-analyze too. but just hear me out and give me your honest thoughts. hearing from people outside of the situation really helps me in figuring myself out.

so here goes...

after work, my bf and i come home. i ask him what his plans are, and he says that he is going to work on some freelance stuff he's doing. i decide to watch episodes of six feet under (which is an amazing show that i just started watching 9 years too late) so that he can work in the bedroom undisturbed. so around 10:15, i'm done with the shows and figure it's getting close to bedtime and it would be nice to hang out with him for a little while...reward him for getting work done (he's a really bad procrastinator). so i brush my teeth and do all that jazz in the bathroom to get ready, and hear him talking to one of his friends through skype. so i call him out to the living room and tell him that i wanted to hang out with him for a bit before bed and that he was starting a convo with his friend on skype too late. he says, "sorry, but you should have come and hung out with me earlier if you wanted to do stuff" and then walks back into the bedroom and proceeds to talk to his friend.

i don't know why, but i started to cry a bit. probably a combination of me being hurt and being stressed out overall with a bunch of shit going on with me. he hears me crying and comes into the bathroom and asks me what's wrong. i try explaining to him how what he did hurt me. i start to explain how it's getting late and that i didn't come to hang out with him earlier because he was supposed to be working...but before i could even really finish making a point he gets pissy and practically yells at me saying that he doesn't like the way i'm talking to him and that he doesn't give a shit about me being upset. he goes back into the bedroom and continues his conversation with his friend like nothing's bothering him. (now since i was upset, it definitely showed through my tone of voice, and since i grew up with italians i use my hands a lot, but i was not being mean...he says i was being malicious, but i really wasn't, i was just upset and was venting)

after a couple minutes, i walk into the bedroom and i stand in the doorsill for a couple minutes. he's on skype with the webcam going, so i don't even feel comfortable walking into the room. he knows i'm there but doesn't really acknowledge me...goes on talking to his friend like i'm not there. now i get emotional, even more upset and just slam the door really loud. as i walk away from the room i hear him laughing with his friend saying how he doesn't understand me and doesn't know what i'm upset about. now i'm all emotional and crying because i'm just feeling like crap...feel like he just could give two shits about how i feel. i go outside on the balcony and just sit out there crying and trying to reflect on what happened and just calm down. after about 30 minutes, he comes outside while he's brushing his teeth and rubs my shoulders for a couple seconds and then goes back inside. then he comes back outside when he's done and starts off the conversation saying what i did wrong (or at least that's how i interpreted it, could have been emotional and took it the wrong way, but whatever he was doing, it wasn't him apologizing or being supportive). i go back inside and the argument ensues. he even goes so far as to start ranting about how i shouldn't rant...it was pretty ironic. only difference was that i actually let him rant and listened, the second i rant he's out the door.

what it all boils down to is this...

he thinks that when i'm upset, i should talk to him calmly and explain to him what's bothering me (which i agree with!), the only difference is that he said he ends up not giving two shits about me when i get upset and vent like that. he said when i start talking to him like that he walks out because he doesn't care about what i have to say and is why he felt so comfortable going back into the bedroom and talking to his friend about bikes and cars like nothing happened.

i think that he did something that offended me and hurt me, and when he noticed i was crying he should have listened to me and been supportive. i didn't feel like i was being malicious, was just upset and needed him to let me vent and get what i needed to say off my shoulders. i feel he was being selfish in only concentrating on the tone of my voice rather than what i was saying, and walked out before i could even finish making a point. i know that i have to work on my emotions, but i feel that if he really loved me, he would have listened. if he were to show interest in what i actually have to say, rather than the way i'm saying it, i wouldn't feel the need to get all tense and raise my voice.


any thoughts, comments, insight, suggestions, etc.? i'm open to everything, even if it is you saying i'm a complete nutjob haha.

thanks!

[Cbrider]

Communication breakdown.

I can see myself getting annoyed if you came in and said "It's too late to start Skype." You're his girlfriend, not his mother.

He seems pretty indifferent about your emotions. Is he just numbed to them now because it happens so often or is he naturally cold?

Are you really trying to talk to him and explain things in a calm and clear way or are YOU seeing it as calm and clear?

I'm not attacking you, we're just missing pieces about him and his person.

[virtuenote]

What you experience is part of the differences between men and women. First, unlike women, men do not need to spend time with his woman as much as woman needs it (except, perhaps, when he's still in his approach period ).

While for women being together (or in your word: hang out) is very important because it will build rapport, for average men it often considered as wasting time.

Men also don't like it very much (if we can't say it: hate) to talk about things concerning feelings and relationship. The phrase like "We need to talk" from a girlfriend sounds "threatening" to most men. Why? Because unlike women whose left and right side of brain are well interconnected, men many times have difficulties to define and understand his own feelings. They don't like talking about something that they feel it is "beyond their comprehension". It feels like the girl will talk about their shortcomings and inadequacies.

Men are left-brained creature: they are more versatile in logical thinking than emotional expression. The talking about deeper feelings and emotion is something that many men hard too understand.

Why didn't he listen and being supportive to you when you cried? Because, in his opinion, you were just complaining about something not logical and thence baseless and unimportant. In addition, the way you talk made him more upset. You should keep in mind that for men, when they are angry, how you say is more important than what you say.

So, what you need to do? Nothing. And don't expect too much he will apologize to you, from the bottom of his heart. In his mind, he is not guilty. It was you that acted ridiculously, that's what his male mind says. And it would be better if you are willing to learn more about the differences between men and women so that it won't hurt you so much when such things happen again. If he is willing to learn about it, too, it would be the best.

[RdHrshyKss]

I can see myself getting annoyed if you came in and said "It's too late to start Skype." You're his girlfriend, not his mother.

agreed, i could have said it differently. if he had been talking via skype in the living room, i wouldn't have cared so much. the fact that he was doing it in the bedroom, making it impossible for me to freely walk around in my bedroom and get ready to relax in bed, just annoyed me. my only defense is that i didn't say it in a derogatory way at all, i just added that little tidbit to inform him that i wanted to get ready for bed and didn't want him on skype in the bedroom. but he didn't really pick up on that at all since he went right back into the bedroom and continued talking to his friend.

He seems pretty indifferent about your emotions. Is he just numbed to them now because it happens so often or is he naturally cold?

i would say that it's a little bit of both. we've had issues with communication for awhile and he has expressed how tired he is of the way that i react to things that he does. i definitely need to learn to not take things so personally. but since we've started dating he has always been hard to communicate with. he has always been kind of a loner and i am the first and only serious relationship he has been in (we've been together for 4 years). i think he's still fighting the maturity level that develops in a relationship. if i'm upset he'd much rather go somewhere else and busy himself with impersonal things, like bikes, motorcycles, cars, computer stuff, etc.. he tells me that if i approached him in a calm manner that he would be more inclined to listen. but i've tried the other way too a few times (since naturally my first reaction is to get upset...due to family background) and haven't really noticed any difference. it seems that if i get upset and express it the way that comes out instinctually he walks out and says he doesn't want to listen to me because i'm acting like a bitch,etc. if i approach him in a calm manner, he thinks it's no big deal and doesn't pay too much attention. so it's pretty much a lose lose situation for me and it's because of habits that have developed in our communication. it sucks.

Are you really trying to talk to him and explain things in a calm and clear way or are YOU seeing it as calm and clear?

well, last night i wasn't talking in a calm way. i was a bit emotional...more or less because i was stressed out and was hoping that he would be more than willing to hang out with me (which he knew meant being intimate). but i felt that what i was saying was clear. i wasn't using derogatory words or calling him names or anything, i was saying exactly how i felt...just the emotion/tone in my voice and my body language is what he concentrated on. i don't think he really listened to anything i said because later on when we were arguing back and forth he was repeating things he claimed i said, that i didn't. he too was getting emotional and being irrational towards the end of it, while i had actually calmed down and was trying to talk to him normally.

I'm not attacking you, we're just missing pieces about him and his person.

trust me, i don't take offense at all. i respect brutal honesty and appreciate your input. getting an outside perspective really helps me a lot. my bf could tell me a lot of things that some people might say in the forum, but because he's actually in the middle of it, it's hard for me to take in what he has to say with a completely open-mind because his position is biased.

[RdHrshyKss]

What you experience is part of the differences between men and women. First, unlike women, men do not need to spend time with his woman as much as woman needs it (except, perhaps, when he's still in his approach period ).

definitely agree there. we have a pretty long history about this type of thing. i suffer from some insecurity issues and find myself needing assurance from him every now and then. sometimes he gives it, but other times he gets annoyed with me. it's understandable. i mean in the past we've had issues with me not wanting to have sex as much as he does. i told him that he was pressuring me a little too much and to just give me the space so that i could initiate. over time he says he just got used to not trying, to the point that even when i try initiating he doesn't reciprocate. it's really, really weird. last night felt like that. me telling him that i wanted to "hang out" with him and him rejecting me. don't know why. maybe he was really naive and didn't realize what i was implying, but i highly doubt it.

While for women being together (or in your word: hang out) is very important because it will build rapport, for average men it often considered as wasting time.

with him, i don't think he considers it a waste of time, i think he just likes it when it's on his schedule. i mean, it's almost the way i used to be. it's like our roles have reversed in the relationship. when i mentioned hanging out last night, it meant more like, come to bed with me and lets be intimate. not hang out like, lets watch a tv show or sit and talk for awhile. but even so, it's hard to get him to do either. we have some differences on what he enjoys doing and what i enjoy doing during our free time. most of the stuff he likes doing involves things that i can't do, so we don't do stuff alone very often at all.

Men also don't like it very much (if we can't say it: hate) to talk about things concerning feelings and relationship. The phrase like "We need to talk" from a girlfriend sounds "threatening" to most men. Why? Because unlike women whose left and right side of brain are well interconnected, men many times have difficulties to define and understand his own feelings. They don't like talking about something that they feel it is "beyond their comprehension". It feels like the girl will talk about their shortcomings and inadequacies. Men are left-brained creature: they are more versatile in logical thinking than emotional expression. The talking about deeper feelings and emotion is something that many men hard too understand.

definitely sounds like my bf. it's hard to get him to open up. i've tried for 4 years, and although we've made some progress, it's still very hard to get him to express how he truly feels and to be interested in learning about how i feel. to him it's a nuisance...or at least that's how he makes me feel.

Why didn't he listen and being supportive to you when you cried? Because, in his opinion, you were just complaining about something not logical and thence baseless and unimportant. In addition, the way you talk made him more upset. You should keep in mind that for men, when they are angry, how you say is more important than what you say.

this is pretty much what he told me last night. that it doesn't matter how i'm feeling, if i express it in a way that offends him, he's no longer interested in figuring out what the problem is. i understand that people don't like it when someone else is telling them that they did something wrong, or that they hurt you...not just for guys, but for girls too. in the past i used to break down and cry a lot. not because i was genuinely sad, well sort of, but more because i get so frustrated with how things are developing that i feel like i've lost all control and just don't know what to do. i would cry out of pure frustration. since i did it so often, he took it as me being a crybaby trying to get attention. it wasn't the case, but i don't blame him for having that kinda feeling since i did it a lot. but i've grabbed a hold of myself a little and have been able to calm myself a little better where that hasn't happened so much. i think the fact that it hasn't happened in awhile is why he came to check on me in the bathroom in the first place. he heard me crying and knew it was real and wanted to check up on me. i don't argue that he showed some interest in the beginning, but when i expressed myself in a way that he didn't like, it all went out the window. i'll have to learn to be better at suppressing all that emotion when i'm talking to him so that he can actually understand what is bothering me. but i also think that he should be a little more lenient. in my opinion, it's selfish to react to me the way he does. i'm the one that is upset and needs the support, why should the way i express it be on his terms? it's just weird to me.

So, what you need to do? Nothing. And don't expect too much he will apologize to you, from the bottom of his heart. In his mind, he is not guilty. It was you that acted ridiculously, that's what his male mind says. And it would be better if you are willing to learn more about the differences between men and women so that it won't hurt you so much when such things happen again. If he is willing to learn about it, too, it would be the best.

he knows that i come on this forum a lot, it helps me get a better understanding of things and it's definitely helped our relationship a bit. he can attest to that himself. and he was the one that told me to come on here and post what happened to see what other people say. hopefully i'll get a bunch of input that i can show him, which we can then talk about together. thanks for your input, i appreciate it.

[Cloud206]

Did you ever harm yourself by accident and he said i don't care ?Did someone in your familly get sick and he said he didn't care and doesn't give a crap ?Cause fighting over some time he spent on skype or not cuddling one night before sleeping seems to be a little foolish.Don't be upset cause of stuff like this.

[Gigabitch]

He didn't want to be working and resented you for watching TV while he was supposed to be getting stuff done. He started the Skype conversation so he wouldn't have to talk to you.

If he wants to be involved with someone who never shows any emotions, there are many, many homosexual men out there, available for his convenience. Dealing with your girlfriend's feelings is part of the deal. Ignoring this fact won't make it go away, and he's not doing your relationship any favors by acting like an asshole. Does he think he's training you? Good luck with that.

[RdHrshyKss]

giga...i can always rely on you to say the most influential and entertaining things

he definitely didn't want to do his work, i know that much. i feel like a bitch having to remind him to do the stuff he's supposed to be doing. after we had been fighting for a half hour and i brought up his comment that i should have approached earlier when he should have been working, he admitted that it was a dumb comment and he made a mistake in saying it. but that was all he apologized for. maybe i'm being too demanding. he has a really bad habit of refusing to acknowledge what i'm upset about, making it worse by ignoring me and being insensitive, and then apologizing after all the drama and tension has already been blown out of proportion. at that point i'm like, "why didn't you just say this from the beginning!?! now i'm pissed off about a whole ton of other shit you did!"

when i asked him why it was more important for him to talk on skype with his friend and talk about cars and crap (which he had already done the night previously mind you) rather than hang out with me, he made a REALLY dumb remark, "he called me before you told me you wanted to hang out, he comes first, you go into my queue and i'll hang with you after i'm done with him." now granted, he's a computer geek, so i didn't take a huge offense to his comment, but i'm thinking, "i'm your girlfriend. you've had all night to dilly dally on the computer and talk to your friend about cars and stuff, it's getting close to the time i want to go to bed, why don't you hang out with me?" honestly, if i hadn't of been emotional, he just might have hung out with me, but why is it my job to tip toe around his feelings and cater to him (even when i'm upset), while he can do things and says things without taking a second to think if it's going to hurt me? come on, how unfair is that?

[Gigabitch]

Does his friend suck his dick? If so, then I can see how he has the same status and priority you do.

[girl68]

Did you ever harm yourself by accident and he said i don't care ?Did someone in your familly get sick and he said he didn't care and doesn't give a crap ?Cause fighting over some time he spent on skype or not cuddling one night before sleeping seems to be a little foolish.Don't be upset cause of stuff like this.

Those feelings are that of neglect, that's far from the trival nature you're describing.

[QueenofCorona]

Does his friend suck his dick? If so, then I can see how he has the same status and priority you do.

I <3 you.

I do.

[RdHrshyKss]

Did you ever harm yourself by accident and he said i don't care ?Did someone in your familly get sick and he said he didn't care and doesn't give a crap ?Cause fighting over some time he spent on skype or not cuddling one night before sleeping seems to be a little foolish.Don't be upset cause of stuff like this.

i think it has become more than "i didn't get to hang out with him last night". i'm more upset with the way he handled the situation. like i said before, it's the fact that he skypes in our bedroom. when it's getting late, i want to be able to settle down, get into bed and read before i pass out...OR hang out with him before we pass out. it's not fair for me to be put out of our bedroom because he needs to chat up with his friend about bikes and cars. and i need to note that he had spent over an hour on skype with the same friend talking about the same stuff the night before. now if he had only planned on being on there for a few minutes, i wouldn't have cared, but that's not what he did. when i called him out of the bedroom and told him that i wanted to hang out with him, he could have easily said "let me talk to my friend for a few minutes and i'll hang out with you afterwards". instead he said, "you should have hung out with me earlier". what is that? how can you say that and not expect the other person to be offended. it's the way he rejected me and showed little interest in how it affected me that's the problem. and that i did get upset and he was too self-absorbed to think about what he did, and instead concentrated on the way i was talking to him. i just don't get this laziness mentality that he has...that i have to be the one to worry about how i talk to him and how i behave towards him, when he gets the free pass to do and say whatever he pleases.

[klonk]

what is that? how can you say that and not expect the other person to be offended.

yah i messed up and regret saying that, at the time i didn't mean to hurt you and when i realized that i did hurt you i hung up with jamar and came to talk to you.

Does his friend suck his dick? If so, then I can see how he has the same status and priority you do.

that is a valid point but where do you cross the line? so at any time i should drop everything i'm doing for sexual favors? its more complicated than that....

at the time my logic was well, jamar called me first, THEN red wanted to hang out. so i figure'd i'd finish up my call and if red wasn't too sleepy/tired or w/e we could muss about.

i did offer to turn off the camera so she was free to use the bedroom but red has this thing where she imagines a scenario in her mind based on books and movies and if her real life doesn't go that way she can't handle it and doens't know how to deal with her emotions other than attacking me


-----------------


red - you forgot to mention the multiple door slammage on your part

[Gigabitch]

yah i messed up and regret saying that, at the time i didn't mean to hurt you and when i realized that i did hurt you i hung up with jamar and came to talk to you.

If by "came to talk to you" you meant you can to freak out on her for being upset, then yes, that sounds like what happened. You took no responsibility for this.

[klonk]

"i'm your girlfriend. you've had all night to dilly dally on the computer and talk to your friend about cars and stuff, it's getting close to the time i want to go to bed, why don't you hang out with me?" honestly, if i hadn't of been emotional, he just might have hung out with me, but why is it my job to tip toe around his feelings and cater to him (even when i'm upset), while he can do things and says things without taking a second to think if it's going to hurt me? come on, how unfair is that?

yah totally unfair and i messed up on that part...

you don't have to tip toe or anything, but you should learn to not talk to people the way that you do. your body language just SCREAMS out at me and then when you throw in your actual so called "italian" screaming is really abusive and i'm not interested in that whatsoever.

when i fack up, it isn't bc i'm trying to hurt you. its cuz i'm being stupid. and yes i need to work on that. and yes i could use a little help now and then.