My GF has gained weight, how can I get her to realize it w/out hurting her?

[tjchan76]

I love her. We're both in our late 20's. We've been together about 1.5 years, and it's VERY serious. I want to stay with her, and really can't see myself with anyone else. She is everything I want: mentally and emotionally healthy (zero mind games), no drama, gives me my space when I need it, not needy but not distant, likes sex, and just good all around. We have a very good relationship.

However, since we started dating, she has stopped exercising as much and started eating more. In fact, she's the type of girl who will eat anything and everything you put in front of her. She used to run 2 or 3 times a week, now she doesn't do it... EVER. She wasn't skinny when we first started dating, but she was definitely still fit and sexy. In the past year, it's really gotten bad. I notice her shirts are all fitting really tight and it almost looks like the chubbiness is trying to break out through the seams (kinda like muffintops?). When she sits, I see the buddha belly form, and her upper half is becoming more and more "barrel-shaped". Overall, it's not looking so pretty.

I noticed I've also been silently resenting her for it, and I hate that I feel that way because I love her so much and my thoughts are mean. I know, I know, if i REALLY loved her I wouldn't care what she looked like. That's bullshit, first of all. But anyway, I think one of the main reasons I'm unhappy is because she seemed to have stopped taking care of herself. It's almost like she doesn't care what I think of her anymore. Or maybe she's so comfortable having such a committed boyfriend, she feels it's safe to let it all go now. It's totally unfair. It's one thing if she has no control of what's happening, but it's another if it's happening because of her own negligence or laziness.

If I were truly shallow, I would've left her by now. I'm writing this because I really need help to stay in this relationship. I want to stay with her. But I also want her to look good. I've tried the whole doing activities together stuff. I've dropped big hints like, "Hey, I think we've both been eating really unhealthy, and we don't exercise as much..." She's not getting it. I've even tried taking up a sport that I know she enjoys, just so I can motivate her to do something. But nothing works. She simply doesn't want to exercise anymore. She doesn't want to run anymore because "it's not fun." Staying in shape takes a lot of work (I exercise 3-5 times per week, so I'm very fit and toned), and she simply doesn't want to do that work.

What can I do? I don't want to be the guy who makes an otherwise UN-selfconscious girl selfconscious. I don't want her to feel bad about herself. I don't want her to think I don't love her. I just want her to take care of herself again. For her and for me. I will never tell her she's fat or unattractive, because she's not. I will never tell her to go exercise if she doesn't want to, because she'll just end up resenting me for it. But I just don't want to have a fat girlfriend, and fat is where she's headed right now. I don't want to be the guy with the fat girlfriend, where everyone says behind his back, "Jeez, why is he dating her?" If she looked this way 1.5 years ago, I don't think I would have started dating her. It's just not my type, and I'm trying very hard to stay attracted.

Please help.

[xxazurexx]

I'm wondering why you can't just tell her than she has gained a lot of weight. Honesty is always the best policy I think and if she can't take some honesty without getting all upset, then it is because she doesn't like to hear the truth. She likely has noticed herself that she has piled on weight, so it's not like you wouldn't be telling her anything she isn't already aware of. I'd far appreciate a man who could be honest with me, rather than a one who kept his feelings and thoughts quiet. If I know there is a problem, then I can deal with it and solve the problem....or try to.

There is a way and a means to approach this and without coming across as taunting or cruel and insensitive.

[hello1]

Yeah honesty is the best. You need to tell her she has gained weight and admit that your worried about her health and you really want her to lose weight! use the health angle and even threaten you can't be with someone whos unhealthy.

[vashti]

I don't think you should say anything (unless you have exercised every other option). Surely she owns a mirror and can see for herself. Females are incredibly neurotic about their bodies. What you CAN do is join in some sort of physical activity with her... tell her YOU want to be fitter, and would appreciate a workout partner. Or take a couple of (strenuous) dance classes every week. Or take up distance biking. You know - do something active together.

Does weight seem to be an issue for other members of her family? And has she always struggled with it? If yes, you are probably fighting an uphill battle.

[Smirnoffz]

and you can tell her you want to eat more healthy food, you go cooking together, healthy stuff, it's both fun and good for the looks - eventually.

PS: Ups, I just realised I am posting between in the 'ask a female'-forum. If the reply is inappropriate or anything- feel free to delete it.

[Gigabitch]

Two things. Lead by example, as Vashti suggested, and buy her some clothes in her old size, innocently telling her you thought the shorts were cute and you thought you remembered her being a size 9.

[girl68]

Honestly telling your gf she's fat is not going to blow over well, if you take that approach good freggin' luck. Take the second.

[QueenofCorona]

You could mention that you feel YOU have maybe developed a little of a beer gut and want to try to work it off and want to do so by cooking healthier or working out and would like a work out buddy or you need her "help" in not buying/eating junk food in front of you so you'll have no cravings for it. Maybe cut back on the boozing.

Women and weight are very, very sensitive subjects. I'd approach this with kid gloves.

[LailaK]

Not to be mean, but you guys might not last. Even if everything else is perfect, being attracted to your partner is a big issue. You said it yourself that you're resenting her for being fat.

I've gained weight since I've been with my boyfriend. I think I look disgusting but he lies and says I look great. Either way I'm in the gym like crazy and I'm on a diet because I don't want to be fat. I want other men to look at me and be envious of what he has, even if he doesn't care. My point is, you're girlfriend knows she's heavier, but she'll really only fix it for herself not for you. There are things you can do though to make your time together healthier.

Why don't you guys work out together or do an activity together (rock climbing, bikram yoga, mountain biking). Tell her you want to start running and need a partner. Stop going out to eat as much. Stay in and cook healthy meals.

My poor boyfriend LOVES to eat out. But because I'm sensitive about my weight gain he has compromised and now we stay in more often and I cook.

Dieting is hard and losing weight is hard, especially for women. She's not going to lose it over night but you can help her out by making healthier life choices for yourself.

Also, get her an iPod and a Nike+. Suggest training to run a marathon. That's what I'm doing and it's f*cking addicting. As a side note, if you guys break up, she'll still lose the weight in the hopes of attracting other men. That's how girls work.

[tjchan76]

THANK YOU ALL for your thoughtful replies!! I really appreciate it. I've tried almost everything you mentioned here, except for being honest. My GF is extremely confident, no body image issues whatsoever, which is another thing I love about her. She's not really like the typical girl who stares in the mirror or asks me daily if I think she's fat. She's very confident and free spirited. That said, I think she would take the news well if I just went the honest route. However, I don't want to be The Guy who introduces her to the ugly world of calorie counting and self-consciousness and body image issues. I don't want to be THAT GUY.

I've also tried telling her that it's all about me, that I'm the one getting unhealthy, and how I'd like to eat more responsibly. She's not getting that hint either.

I try to get her to do cardio activities with me, but she always has some sort of reason why she can't do them (eg: "Running is no fun, so I don't want to do it." Then I tell her it's called "exercise" for a reason, it's not meant to be "fun." Then she argues that some of her friends "LOOOOOVE" to run, and that's why they do it. I think her friends are doing it because it keeps them in shape and looking good, and if they had the choice of sitting at home with a bag of Cheetos and a pork chop and veg out on the couch and somehow STILL keep the same figure, then I'll bet my unborn children that their "love" for running will go right out the window. She's not getting that either.

She's never had "weight issues" with her family. Her sister is definitely on the very chunky side, and eats just as irresponsibly without exercising. I'm worried my GF is starting to take her sister's shape. In fact, I'm finding that image/thought highly disturbing. I'm not asking for her to be a super model. She definitely takes me the way I am with all my flaws without asking me to change anything, which is why I'm finding it difficult to ask her to change this one "flaw" that I just can't live with.

[tjchan76]

I want other men to look at me and be envious of what he has, even if he doesn't care.

You have no idea how much I wish she would feel that way about me. Although it sounds weird, I want other guys to check my GF out once in a while, or to be envious of me. But it's just not the case.

Tell her you want to start running and need a partner.

Running "hurts her legs."

As a side note, if you guys break up, she'll still lose the weight in the hopes of attracting other men. That's how girls work.

I think THAT is why I have resentment. I know she'll do it for other guys, but not for me. It's also like false advertising. She was all fit and in shape when she was single, and now she's letting it all go to crap. It's just not what I signed up for. It's not fair.

[Kaius]

When couples get too comfortable in the relationship, they tend to lax on personal growth and appearance.
I did that in the past and gained a lot of weight, and my previous GFs did too. It was unhealthy and just bad attitude.
My ex-wife never really gained weight, but she resented me for not exercising. She was very mean about it, and made
me feel like crap. Ever since I left my ex-wife, I decided to commit myself to personal improvement. I lost 35 lbs,
I am fit, and I feel great. My GF is a former trainer, and she finds me super hot (even though I'm not model-material).
There will always be pressure on my part to stay fit and be on my "A GAME". My GF is gorgeous, and she knows it.
She takes care of herself so she can look sexy for me, which I appreciate. I believe people should make the effort
to look good (and feel good) for their partner. The mutual pressure is a good thing.

[vashti]

Running is terrible for the knees and joints, and is not a good choice for most people. Have you tried getting her to do something that is more fun? (DANCING, I SAID.) You wouldn't ever catch me agreeing to run either. Try offering something more pleasant.

[qwertz]

You should just tell her she has gained weight. There is no point in beating around the bush, she needs to see the harsh reality, im sure she will thank you for it later. If i were gaining weight I would want someone to tell me straight. Its not just her looks but her health too if she carries on like she is.

I wouldnt recommend running either, I run because i enjoy it, but even then it takes alot of mental resolve and drive to actually run far enough to make an impact, its far too easy to break into a slower pace etc, like vash said, dancing is prob best.

[bluesummer]

Two things. Lead by example, as Vashti suggested, and buy her some clothes in her old size, innocently telling her you thought the shorts were cute and you thought you remembered her being a size 9.

I endorse this.

Let me tell you why. Women ARE truly neurotic about body issues. I gained weight since I met my fiance. He never said a word, always insisted I was beautiful. I felt disgusting, and would say so. He would never react. One day I whined about not fitting into some pants, and he made some comment about "laying off the Starbucks" and I had a freakout and joined a weightloss program, dropped 20 lbs immediately. I could've done it sooner, but one silly little comment was the incentive I 'needed'.

I STILL don't know if he meant anything by it, but it got the job done.