4th time is the charm? Am I an idiot?

[AnnieO]

When I met my boyfriend he had technically broken up with his ex-girlfriend, but they were still having sex and spending so much time together that for all intents and purposes they may as well have been dating. Once I started seeing him, he claims he cut off contact with her. She was very unhappy, and a couple of times when we ran into her in public, she burst into tears upon seeing us together. She would also drunkenly text him late at night.

I realized that he couldn't control her behavior, so I tried to ignore the situation, but his actions led me to believe he wasn't over her either. He would bring her up a lot in conversation, most of the time it wasn't positive, for example, he complained a lot about rumors she was spreading about him post-breakup. He also would just bring her up at random though as well. For example, if I said I liked a movie he would say "oh that was my ex-girlfriend's favorite", etc.

We had been together about five months, and he still continued to talk about her a lot. One day he was really quiet and withdrawn, he said he found out that she was dating someone new and it upset him.

Other than the ex issue, things were going well until one night when he was looking for a pair of shoes in his room. He pulled a pair of underwear out from under his bed and said to me "oh, here, you must have lost these." Problem was, they weren't mine. I was understandably angry and upset. He swore up and down that he hadn't cheated. He said that either they were his exes and had been there since before we got together, or that they belonged to his roommates girlfriend and his dog had drug them under there. His room is messy, so it was somewhat plausible, but in light of all the other crap that was going on I felt like I couldn't trust him and ended the relationship.

He was very upset, and I continued to get texts and phone calls from him for two weeks begging me to forgive him and take him back. I cut off contact from him for a week, but finally caved and agreed to meet him for drinks. We talked, things seemed fine, and we started talking and texting again, but he didn't ask me to hang out at all. After about a week of this, I asked him if he wanted to accompany me to a work-related event I was attending. He told me he couldn't because he had a date that night. Confused and devastated, I realized he was moving on and felt like it would be best for me to not to contact him again. I didn't hear from him either.

Two months later, I got a text from him saying how much he missed me. We started dating again. However, he continued to talk about his ex a lot. Finally, when he was drunk one night, he said some things that led me to believe he was still talking to her. He came clean and said he had slept with her once during the two months we were broken up, but that they had not been back together, and he had been sleeping with someone else as well.

Disgusted, I broke up with him AGAIN. Seven months later, I again got a text from him. Like an idiot, I agreed to meet him for coffee. When me met, he said that he hadn't really been over his ex when we started dating, that he had never cheated on me with her, but that he loved me and deeply regretted messing up his chances with me because of his complicated relationship with her. He said he had thought about me and what mistakes he had made everyday while we were apart. I caved, and we have been happily dating for two months now. I have seen no signs that he is still talking to her.

The problem is, all of my friends are telling me I'm an idiot for getting back together with him. I feel like things are going well between us and I am ready to forget and move on. He is asking me to become exclusive with him, and I told him I still felt I felt I needed more time, even though really I am not dating anyone else. He has told me he sees us as a long term thing, and I feel the same way. Am I being stupid? Can't someone get a second (4th?) chance?

[RdHrshyKss]

your friends care about you and are just looking out for your best interest. sounds like you guys tried dating too soon after his breakup. he obviously wasn't over his ex.

i wouldn't kick him to the curb though. if you care about him and things are going well, then enjoy it. he probably just needed the time to move on. you guys met at a bad time. but the time apart was a good thing. give it a shot. set some ground rules...no contact with his ex, he needs to be honest and upfront about everything, etc. you guys need to establish that trust. without it, the relationship is doomed. if he goes back to his old behavior, then kick him to the curb. i don't really see what you have to lose...

[roy_delene]

My advice is to dump him and find a decent guy this one's a douchebag

[cmacattack1]

It's tough to say if this relationship is worth pursuing. He's done so much damage that the relationship has kind of lost alot of it's potential. Wouldn't you agree? Does it feel as special and as good as it did when you first started dating fresh? I know he messed shit up then too, but if it's much to soon to start dating (even after 7 months) alot of the hurt feelings are still there.

It doesn't sound like you have alot of faith in this, rightfully so. You are embarrassed to even mention you are dating him (I caved in, AGAIN!), and your friends are tired of seeing you hurt. What I don't like about this is that he came to you out of the blue mentioning how much he loved you and missed you and everything. I think it's a huge red flag to come at you with all this need all of the sudden and trying to play upon any feelings you still have left for him. Can you really go from not talking for 7 months to back together in one meeting? He NEEDS you because he's alone and doesn't want to be that way, and not even if you feel the same way or not. Your feelings are irrelevant, that's the scary part. He hasn't changed from the person that he was before because he's too busy looking out for his own self interests, and logically getting back together with the same person that he was before can only mean that you will break up again.

By all means if you are really truly "together happily for 2 months", then try and see where this thing goes. If you already are having doubts (coming on to this forum before you guys are on the skids again), that can't be a good sign. Just know that you are entirely responsible for the situation that you put yourself into and are in no way a victim if he ends up hurting you again. It would be entirely on you. You are only worth as much as you allow yourself to be treated as.

Maybe you haven't met somebody else in your time you guys were apart, maybe you were still obsessed with him on your mind. But if things aren't working out with him, remember that he is not the only guy on this planet that you can be with and make you happy. It's difficult when you still care about somebody to meet other people, let other people in, or give them a fair chance. But don't be afraid of what else is out there. You are perfectly capable of having a healthy relationship with somebody that isn't already a proven failure. A fresh start, the magic and excitement you felt the first time with somebody new. And with your experience, you can choose somebody more worthy.

[AnnieO]

My advice is to dump him and find a decent guy this one's a douchebag

Why do you say that? Sorry, I am not arguing, but just wanted to hear exactly why you think he's a douchebag.

[AnnieO]

Yes, that is my fear....that he simply cannot be alone and came back to me out of fear. He had actually continued to contact me for about a month after the 3rd breakup, but I stopped responding to his text messages.

I did date two other people while we were apart, but I just didn't feel the connection that I had with him. I am in therapy, due to childhood crap, and from talking with my therapist I think I have a history of sabotaging healthy relationships because I get freaked out. I tend to freak out and dump guys at the 7 month mark. In retrospect, I don't think he was cheating on me with his ex. I DO think he wasn't over her and had no business getting involved with me. I guess I am just confused as to if he can truly love me if he didn't immediately get over his ex when we first started dating? From my perspective, when I have had past break-ups I really started to heal when I met someone else I really liked.

[cmacattack1]

Aye, I know exactly how you feel about sabotaging relationships, although maybe we had different ways of going about it. Every girlfriend I've ever had has fallen head over heels for me after a couple months. I would go along with it for a while, but when they became dependent on me, I would overreact horribly and just emotionally shut down on them. They would get so sick and feel so worthless that I wasn't giving them the right treatment they would eventually move on and I would be sitting here saying "What did I do to deserve this?" when I brought it all upon myself. It's like I couldn't except somebody else's love, I didn't feel worthy of it, low self esteem, etc. etc.

Figuring out your issues I think will be your key to happiness, because when you understand things, you can put them to rest. Maybe being in a relationship, especially with a high risk as this might not be a good move. Maybe being on your own for a while to really figure shit out is probably the best thing for you, because you might not be 100 percent available to give yourself to somebody else. And if you meet the right person and you aren't ready, it could really mess things up. Lord knows that we only get one chance with somebody (those that get more are either in denial or shit ass lucky). While figuring things out, you can rediscover what makes you happy. And yes, while we all want to be with somebody someday, you will do so much better if you are happy on your own first and then build upon that solid foundation to be happier with somebody else.

I understand you have childhood issues, and we all do. They are reasons for how you act, why you act, how you think, but they aren't excuses. Don't hide behind those, accept responsibility for your actions, and become a better person by instituting changes that you think you need for yourself into your every day life.

[Gigabitch]

4th time is NOT the charm. Add one more vote to the "no" column.