How long for engagement?

[EnjoyingLife]

Hi all,

How long have you been willing to wait for a man to bring up marriage or propose? A friend of mine is 33yrs and she is now engaged after 6mths with a guy! She seems to think when you are both in your 30s you should know whether you want to marry them by 6mths and the man should have proposed in a year! Personally I think 2yrs at least and you need to live with each other before a proposal. She was telling me that my partner should have proposed by now as I am 31yrs and he is 37yrs and have been together 3yrs 8mths. I know there are a lot of factors involved in how long you are willing to wait but what do you think is the norm that you would be willing to wait or to propose to somebody?

Thanks

[iHEARTu]

Everyone has different standards. Maybe your friend and her fiance think they're ready for that kind of commitment, but doesnt mean that you have to be ready when they were (if you understand?)

Personally I think that it should be "boyfriend-girlfriend" for at least a year or more. Then comes the living together phase which should go for about 2-3 years before we even consider marriage. Around the 4-5years together mark I would be prepared to marry him. Engagement on the other hand is tough. Maybe your partner isn't prepared for that just yet? Maybe he feels like he'll get rejected if he does ask, what in case he asks and you're like "...im not ready.." im sure he'll be very depressed, as any other guy would be.

Just give it some time. Don't rush your relationship. I know you love him and the best think you could do if you do love him is to give him space to make the decision for himself.

Though you could possibly bring it up one night. "...Say... What do you think about marriage?", "Haha, ____ and her partner are engaged now. They've only been going out for about 6 months. Do you think 6 months is too soon?" Bring it up lightly.

and best of luck lovely

[vashti]

I don't think people need to live together before they get married, but they should date for maybe 2 years. That's how long it often takes for the luster to wear off in a relationship, and at that point, you get an accurate idea of what you are actually going to get.

[xxazurexx]

^I agree.

I reckon these days I'd wait for up to 2 years and to give it more time to get to one another more thoroughly. I've jumped the gun before and was engaged after six weeks, married after 6 months...BIG mistake!

I have a tendency to think, that too many are wanting to rush and do rush and often decisions can be made when in the first flush of love, which can last for up to 2 years.

What you may feel in the first six months, isn't the same as what you may be feeling 2 years down the road.

[qwertz]

I wouldnt marry without being with the person for at least 2 1/2 yrs. And i would have to live with them first, i find that as i live alone, i do things as i like them, and when anyone stays i get more and more irritated by them and just want my own space back...wouldnt like to find i couldnt live with someone after i married them!

[xxazurexx]

My mum used to say, that you never truly know someone and until you live with them.

[vashti]

I think if you are observant, you can know someone quite well without living with them. Especially if you are having sex with them, and sleepovers.

[xxazurexx]

Yeah, but maybe constant nose picking is a habit, yet they refrain from doing it in front of you and when sleeping over. But by living with them and when people become more relaxed and comfortable enough to be themselves totally, you would sharp cotton onto this unpleasant habit and it could be 'offputting'. Say you married them and before knowing this....then I guess you are stuck with a nose picker.

My friend married a guy who peed the bed often - if she'd lived with him beforehand, she'd have known this was what she was marrying.

I think there are still some things you can't know and until you live together. I discovered shit about my ex H after marrying, that I didn't know beforehand...like he was an avid porn watcher who would hide porn movies all around out home. Not that it bothered me, but it would have bothered some women. I think I would live with a guy and before marrying....try before I buy, so to speak lol

[IndiReloaded]

You can learn a lot by dating and observing your partner, but its not the same as living together 24/7. Different dynamic and issues. Its more important for younger couples than older, I think. Young couples go in with a lot of assumptions that an older, more experienced couple might be more realistic about.

[vashti]

Yeah, but maybe constant nose picking is a habit, yet they refrain from doing it in front of you and when sleeping over. But by living with them and when people become more relaxed and comfortable enough to be themselves totally, you would sharp cotton onto this unpleasant habit and it could be 'offputting'. Say you married them and before knowing this....then I guess you are stuck with a nose picker.

My friend married a guy who peed the bed often - if she'd lived with him beforehand, she'd have known this was what she was marrying.

I think there are still some things you can't know and until you live together. I discovered shit about my ex H after marrying, that I didn't know beforehand...like he was an avid porn watcher who would hide porn movies all around out home. Not that it bothered me, but it would have bothered some women. I think I would live with a guy and before marrying....try before I buy, so to speak lol

It seems like if you dated for two years, slept over, etc., a chronic nose picker would out himself. Same for a bed wetter.

[lahnnabell]

I think part of the reason live-in couples get engaged, married, divorced is because they stop paying attention to those red-flags that you might otherwise pay attention to. When you live with someone, you get comfortable. Your stuff and his stuff become "our stuff" in a way and it becomes "our home". People will wade through really bad times for a long time if they're too lazy or comfortable to bother picking up and leaving.

If you don't live together, it's much easier to say, "I want to break-up" and walk in opposite directions. Living together, you can't do it as easily. So, people get lazy and they put up with behavior they might otherwise consider dealbreakers. Perhaps they assume that as time goes on, they'll simply grow together because they live together. I went 6 months living with my ex last year before I had to get out. I really wanted to work on the issues we had, but he had long before decided I was no longer a priority to him. It took me a few months of trying really hard to make things work before I had no more energy left. I could have left things as they were, but I was so depressed and irritable all the time. I was no longer myself, and I wanted that back. So, I did the hard thing and broke it off and moved out in one quick sweep.

I would consider living with my SO before marriage, but ONLY if they'd had significant time to experience independent living outside of their parents' home. My ex didn't have this and it should've been a big red flag for me, but I was younger and blinded by the fact that I loved him. He had no routine. Left laundry all over the house, never cleaned, left dishes in the sink for days.

I watched my boyfriend get changed the other day and he dropped his shirt on the floor. He picked it up a minute later and said, "I should put this where it belongs." And he hung it back in the closet. My jaw nearly hit the floor.

[xxazurexx]

It seems like if you dated for two years, slept over, etc., a chronic nose picker would out himself. Same for a bed wetter.

If you spend 'that' much together, then you may as well be living together.

[xxazurexx]

And not everyone dates 2 years.....

[cmacattack1]

Everybody is different, every relationship is different, don't feel the need to compare your relationship to another person's. They have a whole entirely different dynamic. If you think you want what they have, you should remind yourself you really have no idea what goes on in their relationship day in and day out. And just because they are engaged now, does not mean a damn thing about them working out for the better.

Go at your own pace, it's all about what you want, and not always what you see with other people and what they have. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? In what order, does that even matter? Ask yourself these questions, and I think you will kind of just know what you want and what you are ready for. If you feel like YOUR relationship is still growing together strongly every day, take solace in that fact that this person is probably for you. Do you feel like you are hitting a point of stagnation in YOUR relationship? Marriage won't fix that, I promise you.

I think it takes time to really get to know somebody so you don't make a hasty decision you regret. You've already breached the 2 year mark that most people have set (and those are just guidelines). Figure out what you want.

[Mish]

I think you friend had rushed in into her engagement without a proper understanding of her partner (this screams desperate more than anything else), don't listen to her she sounds like she doesn't have the slightest clue of what she is talking about