Becoming more and more depressed

[chrisd]

Hi, and thanks for taking the time to read.

There is a girl that I have been madly and deeply in love with for the past 5 years or so -- from the moment I met her I was attracted, a year or two after that I fell in love with her (she is everything I want in a woman and more -- it almost feels like she can do no wrong), and I still am in love with her now. I was very open with her about my feelings way back when I realised how I felt about her, but my affirmations of love to her have never yielded much response, whether negative or positive. We have always just been good friends, and she never brings it up in conversation. It feels like she knows that I am still in love with her even though we never talk about it any more.

For the past year or so I have felt like I am no longer able to cope. I lie awake all night, almost every night (hence why I'm up, writing this at 4am), wondering what I'm doing wrong, what I should do to make her love me the way I love her, and generally feeling very sad, lonely, and inadequate. I sit around all day with similar thoughts constantly there. I have never managed to feel such a strong emotion towards any other person -- I've had relationships before, even long and (somewhat) successful relationships with amicable endings, but in all this time I have not felt anything like this. We go to places together, like the cinema, or a restaurant, or we just go about the town, and when I'm with her it feels like everything is going to be fine, but on the nights after I come back from a day out with her... it just feels like I am so close but so far, a feeling of sheer stupidity, a feeling of complete inadequacy and insecurity. We are good friends, but I fail to make it anything more than that, and no amount of romantic gesture seems to make the situation better. I could not willingly cut off my relationship with this girl to try and forget about her -- I know it would be too painful to cope, and I would not forget about her. I want to sweep her off her feet, show her that I am sincere, I am willing to go a long way to see this relationship succeed, but I don't know if it would help. It is getting to the point where this is seriously affecting my life, and is giving me a crushing depression.

I would really appreciate all the help I could get, from anyone who thinks they could help even slightly.

Thank you for reading.

[cmacattack1]

First things first, take this woman off the alter of God and bring her down to your level. She's not perfect, she's human just like you, she has flaws and she makes mistakes. Things I'm sure you don't care about or gloss over, but things you should accept and recognize right off the bat. Anything you dream about having with her, wouldn't turn out exactly how you pictured it IF you ever got what you wanted. Reality check.

Secondly, I don't know who you are or anything about you, but I can tell you that it's probably pretty obvious you love her and care about her. You told her so, she knows. As long as nothing else has changed, I think it's safe to assume that she knows this is still there. It's no secret, she knows you are crazy about her. She doesn't mention it. The question is, why on earth would you want somebody that is crazy about you to stick around if you don't feel the same way? The answer is: it's good to know that somebody cares about us like that. It's an ego boost. She loves the attention. It's not getting you anywhere closer to her liking you like that, but she likes the pick me up. No matter what shitty relationship she goes through, or kind of crap she is feeling, you will always pick her up. However, this is only in her own self interest. She only really cares about herself in this. Don't think for a second you can convince her to like you as more. Friends have their own private lives outside of this, but your fantasy involves her. It's kind of a weird pseudo friendship in a way.

As brutal and as difficult as it is, I think the best thing you can do is just cut her out of your life for good. Not saying you have to do it right away like a band-aid, although I would advise you to do so. You have to put yourself first here and her being in your life is hurting you physically, emotionally, and just about in every other aspect. You can't even focus this has got you so wound up. While she may has never done anything actually wrong, it's irrelevant. It's all about you moving forward and she's not helping this. So the right thing would be to take her out of your life, so you can find happiness with yourself and another.

You certainly can't help how you feel, but you can help what you do. And you have to do this as difficult as it is. It'll hurt, it'll sting, and hell, she might even chase after you when you aren't there anymore, but it's the right thing, and with a little time you can get your focus on other things in your life that may be suffering and maybe see some of the opportunities that pass you by every day while you focus is on this dame.

Be strong man. No matter what happens, everything will be alright.

[chrisd]

Hm, I'm not sure it's as selfish of a relationship as it may have sounded, it certainly doesn't sound like the person I know, but that could be just because I have issues identifying problems with her. What it feels like (and maybe I am wrong) is that she does not want to have a relationship with me, but at the same time cares about me enough to not want to push me away.

As for what I "dream about having with her" -- what I want from her is to be with her. Whilst sex is potentially something I would want out of such a relationship, it doesn't bother me anywhere near as much as simply being with her and being intimate with her on a psychological level.

Half the problem is in general I don't like other people. I am a cynic and an eccentric, I have a close circle of people I would call 'friends', partially because a lot of people don't like me for who I am, and partially because the vast majority of people I can't stand socialising with even on a basic level. I do not think that I would ever get the same output from another relationship as this one, and without this relationship I feel I am left without purpose, without reason to continue. It is a weird sadness, almost a happy sadness that I feel, and it fills a gap in who I am. Without it I don't know where I stand.

[Mish]

I was very open with her about my feelings way back when I realised how I felt about her, but my affirmations of love to her have never yielded much response

I lie awake all night, almost every night (hence why I'm up, writing this at 4am), wondering what I'm doing wrong, what I should do to make her love me the way I love her, and generally feeling very sad, lonely, and inadequate.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make her feel for you the way you feel for her. You are carrying a boulder up the hill only to see it roll off your shoulders and each time you pick it up and carry it up again. Your refusal to let go will only lead you to more pain and suffering. Let her go and you will be released from her spell. Continue to cling to the illusion of being with someone who will never be with you and your nightmare will never end.

[cmacattack1]

That's the reason why alot of the time we cling to certain relationships, even if it's hurting us: we are afraid of what else is out there and we don't want to lose the comfort of what we have currently. But there is more out there and being afraid of it is just holding you back. I think there may be some underlying issues, it's not just her, although thats a big part of it. You are talking about how your friends aren't really your friends and all that, and I think that affects what you do and how you act a certain way.

You say you are a certain way, and that's who you are. It doesn't mean you have to be that way forever. You could be too much of this or not enough of that, but you can improve. I say this because I remember how I used to fling excuses at my ex about how I wasn't a good communicator when she wanted me to call her more and etc. I hid behind the fact that I wasn't, when instead I could have made a conscious effort to try to be an overall better person and boyfriend. I'm not saying you have to conform to what everybody else likes or expects of you, but if you feel that maybe you are too cynical, too sarcastic, too whatever, you could make an effort to tone it down and differ your approach to people and situations.

Maybe you brood alot and come off as not very approachable. You could possibly open yourself up a little more, and be more friendly, or something. I'm not saying this is your problem, just an example.

Sorry if I'm getting off topic, I know it has very little to do with your best friend you are in love with. I still stand by the fact that hanging out with her is probably detrimental to your progress through life. I'm also not saying she is this egocentric horrible person that is using you, she probably doesn't even realize what she is doing. But I firmly believe you are an ego boost to her and that if you can regain some kind of normalcy backing away from her and focusing elsewhere on things relevant to your life, well, now we could be getting somewhere. She isn't going to change her mind and give you what you want, no matter how much you fantasize about it. You have to be realistic about it. If you are doing the same thing (like you have been for the same 5 years) but expect something different, that is the basic definition of insanity.

[chrisd]

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make her feel for you the way you feel for her. You are carrying a boulder up the hill only to see it roll off your shoulders and each time you pick it up and carry it up again. Your refusal to let go will only lead you to more pain and suffering. Let her go and you will be released from her spell. Continue to cling to the illusion of being with someone who will never be with you and your nightmare will never end.

How I bring myself to do that is another question entirely. I had hoped that time would do it, but it seems that time is crueller than I had thought.

Maybe you brood alot and come off as not very approachable. You could possibly open yourself up a little more, and be more friendly, or something. I'm not saying this is your problem, just an example.

I don't think I come off like that, socially I try to keep everyone happy, and if I see something wrong I will point it out and not try and merely avoid it.

I don't know what my intention is with this thread. I can't bring myself to cut her out of my life, even gradually. At the same time I realise this relationship in its current form is highly destructive. I hope there is another way out, but I don't think there is. If I cut her out of my life there will be so much emptiness to fill, and nobody to fill it.

She isn't going to change her mind and give you what you want, no matter how much you fantasize about it. You have to be realistic about it. If you are doing the same thing (like you have been for the same 5 years) but expect something different, that is the basic definition of insanity.

I'm thoroughly aware that what I do and what I hope for is illogical looking at the facts, but my brain says one thing and (dare I use a cliché) my heart says another, and the latter seems to win every time, or at least causes enough concern that I don't try and push for a solution.

I always wonder about confronting her directly about this, but I feel it may instigate the loss of whatever is keeping us together at current as friends, and that I would find hard to deal with, not to mention the last time I was direct with her about a thing like that it actually led to this...

If I can find an oppurtunity to speak to her directly about my concerns, would you recommend it, or would you suggest against it?

[Mish]

I always wonder about confronting her directly about this, but I feel it may instigate the loss of whatever is keeping us together at current as friends, and that I would find hard to deal with, not to mention the last time I was direct with her about a thing like that it actually led to this...

If I can find an oppurtunity to speak to her directly about my concerns, would you recommend it, or would you suggest against it?

I would recommend to speak to her directly about your concerns precisely because it may instigate the loss of whatever is keeping you together as friends. The current approach is not working for you and whatever horrendous outcome is of your conversation with her in the end it will not be worse than what you are going through already. Don't fear the uncertainty, embrace it. Who knows, maybe by a stroke of fate she will confess she'd like to give it a go, but even if she doesn't (more likely) it won't be worse than your current situation. If she confesses to not be into you, you will finally be released to move on.

[IncognitoSir]

I would recommend to speak to her directly about your concerns precisely because it may instigate the loss of whatever is keeping you together as friends. The current approach is not working for you and whatever horrendous outcome is of your conversation with her in the end it will not be worse than what you are going through already. Don't fear the uncertainty, embrace it. Who knows, maybe by a stroke of fate she will confess she'd like to give it a go, but even if she doesn't (more likely) it won't be worse than your current situation. If she confesses to not be into you, you will finally be released to move on.

I absolutely agree! At least you can bring some light to this situation and remove yourself from this stagnate position you've been in for so long. I've been in your position before, not 5 years but long enough to realize my mistakes and advise you from what I learned. Some women are really just that nice and dont wanna hurt you and some women use guys like you to boost there own ego. It seems like she's just a really nice girl though and avoids the entire "romance" thing to keep things from getting awkward between you two. Anywho, I hope you can get some closure to this asap my friend.

[xxazurexx]

You need to look at the 'reality' of this situation. The 'reality' being, that you are very good friends with some female who you love, yet your feelings are not being reciprocated and they are never likely to be, not in the way you want. You are no more than continuing to torture yourself and by choosing to linger on in this situation - and it aint a nice place, I know and because I was there recently. Not as long as you however, but for 2 years and I chose to exit and end the friendship. It was hard, but I did it and now I can honestly say, it was the best thing I did.

I would have one final talk with her and let her know exactly how you are feeling. Explain that despite how much your friendship means to you, you are unable to continue on as being friends and because it is preventing you from moving on in life. If she is anything of a true friend, if she knows she is unable too or can't give you what you are looking for, she will respect your wishes.
She will miss you a lot, as you will miss her - five years is a long time. But you two could go on forever like this and there is a strong possibility that one day she will meet some other guy and you are going to be left, really, really hurt. If you exit now, you could and will avoid that hurt.

Who knows. After you go, she may come to the realisation that you meant more to her than she thought. People sometimes don't know what they had, until it's gone. Sometimes leaving, can also serve to be the 'wake up' call that someone may have needed.

[Caleb]

Your are not her friend, she is your unfortunate compromise. And she is not your friend, you are her unwanted appendage. Does that sound like this whole thing has a future? honesty is a huge part of any relationship, but it seems that neither of you are capable of such a feat right now. If this is how you pick your friends, I suggest you start looking for new one`s.

[chrisd]

Your are not her friend, she is your unfortunate compromise. And she is not your friend, you are her unwanted appendage. Does that sound like this whole thing has a future? honesty is a huge part of any relationship, but it seems that neither of you are capable of such a feat right now. If this is how you pick your friends, I suggest you start looking for new one`s.

I have found the vast majority of posts in this thread helpful, but this one nothing short of incredibly unhelpful.

If you're going to make such claims please at least quantify them. I see no logic in half your statements, and it doesn't help me to wonder what you're on about. Perhaps your aim is Hollywood style pretense, I don't know, but your point seems entirely null as it has no substantiation.

[VincenzoG91]

One definition of insanity is to try the same thing over and over expecting different results. Your current situation isn't good for you, so you need to make some serious changes. If you're not willing to end this friendship and move on, even though that would be a very good idea, then talk to her directly about how you feel, including how much you are suffering. If she has any mercy and compassion, she will either give you a chance (almost zero possibility, in my experience) or cut you loose for your own sake. Five years is too long for this deadend situation, and you need to hit it or quit it.

[Caleb]

I have found the vast majority of posts in this thread helpful, but this one nothing short of incredibly unhelpful.

If you're going to make such claims please at least quantify them. I see no logic in half your statements, and it doesn't help me to wonder what you're on about. Perhaps your aim is Hollywood style pretense, I don't know, but your point seems entirely null as it has no substantiation.

And yet.. you are still unable to act according to the repeating advice everyone gives you. Being a smart ass doesn't work with me. Second, normally I ignore those whom fail to understand my logic because I think that there is no use in beating a dead horse, but since you think you know it all, even after so many years of failure and heartache`s, ill make an exception. Here`s how it goes...

You don't really want her as a friend, you want her as a lover, right? that alone says that you cannot really be friends with her. Being around her probably kills you inside. And its obvious that the only reason you keep sticking to this whole "friends" routine is because you have no choice and because you try to cling to that false hope that one day she might change her mind. If that`s not a compromise, then what is? And on her side of the story, perhaps calling you an "unwanted appendage" was indeed a bad choice of words because that metaphor can be broken down into many aspects, so ill keep it simple. Maybe she does indeed like your company as a friend, that may very well be, however, but you falling in love with her probably poses as a great inconvenience and a emotional hindrance for her. Which also means that she probably feels sorry for you. Is that how a friendship is suppose to look like? Think about it, You wanna talk Hollywood? nothing is more classic then the friendless antisocial geek that end`s up falling in love with the hot girl the he jacks off to.

Look, my bottom line is this: If this "friendship" of yours had even a shred of real honesty, one of you would let the other one go. Even by forcing them too. If you still didn't figure out what I was trying to say, then i`m sorry, but I will not say it again.

[irrelevant_89]

Wow. 5 years. This really puts my own ordeal in perspective... was in a similar situation but for a mere 1 year before I got out. Although my non-girl was nothing like the "image of perfection" you describe... as said above me, the starting point is to see she is not perfect. But regardless of that...

I'm going to go a little against the tide and say you shouldn't really tell her how you feel AGAIN. Everytime I said "I love you" to non-girl (it was 3 times I think) and got no response I felt deeply humiliated. Putting yourself down for her once again is not the way to go.

If I were you, I'd just go out and date. It doesn't really matter whom, it doesn't matter if you don't have your heart in it, just go for it and have fun. Get her out of your mind for a while. And if she knows you're doing it it's even better, because she'll know that you have an emotional life beyond her, and it'll be more comfortable between you as friends - I'd think it's a little awkward to hang around a guy that loves you but you don't want. If she's a good person at least - mine liked to play the emotional vampire, not reciprocating my advances but not letting me go either.

[xxazurexx]

mine liked to play the emotional vampire, not reciprocating my advances but not letting me go either. ...

Sounds familiar. Emotional vampire, is a good phrase. Guy in my situation was like that. Reciprocated sweet eff all, yet clung on for dear life and just would not f**k off!!...even slagging me off on the way out and say I'd go running back to him. WTF? It was always that daft SOB who came running...

You see Chris, me and Irrelevant had sense to get out and if we managed, YOU can too!