still not over her after 2 years...help please

[andrew1]

i was with my ex for two years we were engaged to be married, we also had a child together who is two years old now.

anyway we have been split up for two years, and i constanly think about her still, when we split up i went through a really bad period where i was very depressed as i lost everything, my soulmate and my child on a day to day basis. I loved her so much, and my world collapsed.

then i hated her and what she did to me, yet i still had to be in constant contact due to the child (so i have not been able to make a clean break). when we were together right at the start of our relationship she kissed a couple of men (thats what she says) yet it still hurts really bad thinking about that and i still think more went on even though i cannot prove it, i still think about little things that stick in my mind, like a phone call she got one night after we met up after a night out, or even thinks that stick in my mind from after we split up (one of the lads she kissed, i know she went with after we split up) i feel like i was taken for an idiot by them lads and her.

since we split up i feel like i have lost all confidence and pride in myself.

i thought i was over her, but the other month after she had her little one with her new bloke, she sent me a message asking if i ever thought of how our lives would have panned out together, and we have chatted a few times when we have seen each other out, i mean come on its 2 years why aint i over her

she is now happily settled in a new relationship and has now got another child so i know there is no way back for us, i just want to get over her, i thought when we split up i wouldnt feel hurt about them lads anymore, but i do.

i also dont even feel like meeting other women, im just not bothered which also worries me especially after 2 years.

please help, thanks.

[xxazurexx]

Do you have a job? Hobbies and interests? Go to the gym? Have male friends you can go to the pub with, etc?

The thing is and when we split with someone and it appears there is no way back, we are left with 'no' choice but to try and accept it and move on. We are left with two choices....get out and get a life, or sit around moping forever more. And I'd opt for the former anyday and I did and when me and my ex split after 10 years together.

People aren't expected to move on and immediatley, we do need to time to grieve. However it's 2 years and since you split, she is now in a new relationship and has another child....and still that hasn't been enough for you to move on? Perhaps you are 'depressed'. Have you been to see a doctor?

[andrew1]

i did have a job, but lost it recently (made redundant) i have been to see a doctor yes, and i have also seen a councilor a few times, although that didnt do the trick. i have got male friends yes, but due to losing my job money is a bit tight and with that cant afford to drink down the pub very often or even do many hobbies, tryed to organise a regular 5 a side match recently but no one would commit etc

i know its too long to still be thinking about her, thats why im after advice and i really do appriciate your's thanks for your input

[cmacattack1]

I think part of the pressure you are feeling is that you are looking at the long term time scale. It started off as "Okay, one month, still not over her." And as it progresses to a few months, to a year, to a couple years, you start beating yourself up more and more, and idolize the past more and more. The first thing you have to do is learn to forgive yourself. You made some serious mistakes, but you aren't the only one at fault here. You've looked back, you've seen what you have done wrong, and I think you are a better, stronger person for your experience. Even if you don't feel like it, you are.

So you may have thought she was your soulmate. But she isn't the only one out there for you. It's kind of difficult because you have to keep in touch with her because we all need that time to let them fade from our lives before we can begin to heal and move on. I can understand why you wouldn't be "over her". I'm guessing she was the one that dumped you too, because when you get dumped, you are left with this complex like you are inferior and have to prove yourself to them that you are worthy. Hence you hanging onto her for this long a period of time.

As I always tell everybody, to me "moving on" isn't getting past them or stop loving them. Moving on is accepting that you don't need them in your life to be happy. You can still love the hell out of her, as I'm sure you still do. I still love my ex as well. I haven't rebounded well and I still think of her all the time. But there isn't much you can do. She's accepted the fact of not having you in her life to make you happy, so it should work for you. Easier said then done, but you have to keep telling yourself that you can't change the past, what has happened has happened, and that everything is going to be okay. You can and you will find somebody that will make you happy, whether this person isn't as good looking, or can't match up to your ex in certain areas. Your ex is going to be tops in some categories, but she was lacking in others. And you will see this when you meet somebody new.

First, you have to be happy with yourself and on your own to be happy with somebody else. You've had plenty of time on your own by now, so if you haven't been utilizing this freedom, you certainly should be. You should be pursuing things that make you happy that maybe you haven't done before, or stopped doing. Your passions, your hobbies, things you like. You have them, so do them. Maybe your friends have families of their own and can't entertain you every waking minute, but if they do have any free time, maybe going out with them for an afterwork beer will keep your spirits up. It's hard work to get through this day by day but you certainly have to try.

Losing a job is tough and can make you feel like the most worthless scum of the earth. Keep looking for another job, and take a job that pays something in the meantime, even if it isn't what you want. I stock shelves at 24 sometimes and it's a miserable feeling but at least I'm doing something and bringing in some kind of money. Time outside of that should be managed to finding what you want and are qualified for.

And after you find some happiness and content with yourself, put yourself in the position to meet new people. The easiest way is to hang out with friends and meet their friends. Also going to the gym as azure mentioned, taking a class (be it a cooking or even Zumba for Christ's sake, you know how many girls are in there?) and just keep putting yourself out there. That's all you can do and with a little patience and hard work it can and will pay off.

You are the only person that can pull yourself out of this. She isn't going to save you, no matter how much she talks about "I wonder where we would have been if we were together now?" That's fantasy talk and that's all it will remain. It's not realistic.

[andrew1]

I think part of the pressure you are feeling is that you are looking at the long term time scale. It started off as "Okay, one month, still not over her." And as it progresses to a few months, to a year, to a couple years, you start beating yourself up more and more, and idolize the past more and more. The first thing you have to do is learn to forgive yourself. You made some serious mistakes, but you aren't the only one at fault here. You've looked back, you've seen what you have done wrong, and I think you are a better, stronger person for your experience. Even if you don't feel like it, you are.

So you may have thought she was your soulmate. But she isn't the only one out there for you. It's kind of difficult because you have to keep in touch with her because we all need that time to let them fade from our lives before we can begin to heal and move on. I can understand why you wouldn't be "over her". I'm guessing she was the one that dumped you too, because when you get dumped, you are left with this complex like you are inferior and have to prove yourself to them that you are worthy. Hence you hanging onto her for this long a period of time.

As I always tell everybody, to me "moving on" isn't getting past them or stop loving them. Moving on is accepting that you don't need them in your life to be happy. You can still love the hell out of her, as I'm sure you still do. I still love my ex as well. I haven't rebounded well and I still think of her all the time. But there isn't much you can do. She's accepted the fact of not having you in her life to make you happy, so it should work for you. Easier said then done, but you have to keep telling yourself that you can't change the past, what has happened has happened, and that everything is going to be okay. You can and you will find somebody that will make you happy, whether this person isn't as good looking, or can't match up to your ex in certain areas. Your ex is going to be tops in some categories, but she was lacking in others. And you will see this when you meet somebody new.

First, you have to be happy with yourself and on your own to be happy with somebody else. You've had plenty of time on your own by now, so if you haven't been utilizing this freedom, you certainly should be. You should be pursuing things that make you happy that maybe you haven't done before, or stopped doing. Your passions, your hobbies, things you like. You have them, so do them. Maybe your friends have families of their own and can't entertain you every waking minute, but if they do have any free time, maybe going out with them for an afterwork beer will keep your spirits up. It's hard work to get through this day by day but you certainly have to try.

Losing a job is tough and can make you feel like the most worthless scum of the earth. Keep looking for another job, and take a job that pays something in the meantime, even if it isn't what you want. I stock shelves at 24 sometimes and it's a miserable feeling but at least I'm doing something and bringing in some kind of money. Time outside of that should be managed to finding what you want and are qualified for.

And after you find some happiness and content with yourself, put yourself in the position to meet new people. The easiest way is to hang out with friends and meet their friends. Also going to the gym as azure mentioned, taking a class (be it a cooking or even Zumba for Christ's sake, you know how many girls are in there?) and just keep putting yourself out there. That's all you can do and with a little patience and hard work it can and will pay off.

You are the only person that can pull yourself out of this. She isn't going to save you, no matter how much she talks about "I wonder where we would have been if we were together now?" That's fantasy talk and that's all it will remain. It's not realistic.

thanks for your reply.

i think you're very accurate with all that, yes she dumped me, and you're correct again about me making mistakes (like holding them early mistakes she made against her etc) which i do look back on and regret.

i love football (soccer) and always look forward to the world cup but this time im not even bothered, i have not enjoyed doing the things i used to enjoy sice she left me to be honest i feel like my life has no direction, the world is going forward and im stuck still.

im constantly searching for jobs, its still difficult at the moment, there seems to be more people out of work than in it with firms laying off etc.

on of my mates was married and she cheated on him 12 months ago, and straight away he was out there seeing loads of different women, i thought that would help but it didnt, it just made me think what the hell is up with me why dont i want to do that?, he has even got the girls to bring a mate around for me, and we will have a few drinks together etc (him, one of his woman, me and her mate) and some of these women are really attractive, yet i still aint interested in taking it any further. (luckily that situation hasnt come up yet, probably because i have not pursued it, or they have noticed something about my baggage etc)

i do need to do more activities, at the moment my life is just one boring mess, and i dont want my child to grow up thinking its normal

again thanks for replying

[xxazurexx]

cmacattack always gives really sound and good advice. This guy is so understanding of situations and I just knew he'd come along to share his wisdom.

I think you should write an ebook for heartbroken guys cma

[Jessie2]

You will move on! But this is helped by getting into another meaningful relationship. Do not let any one steal your confidence away, love is all around and you will meet somebody better........soon

[cmacattack1]

thanks for your reply.

i think you're very accurate with all that, yes she dumped me, and you're correct again about me making mistakes (like holding them early mistakes she made against her etc) which i do look back on and regret.

i love football (soccer) and always look forward to the world cup but this time im not even bothered, i have not enjoyed doing the things i used to enjoy sice she left me to be honest i feel like my life has no direction, the world is going forward and im stuck still.

im constantly searching for jobs, its still difficult at the moment, there seems to be more people out of work than in it with firms laying off etc.

on of my mates was married and she cheated on him 12 months ago, and straight away he was out there seeing loads of different women, i thought that would help but it didnt, it just made me think what the hell is up with me why dont i want to do that?, he has even got the girls to bring a mate around for me, and we will have a few drinks together etc (him, one of his woman, me and her mate) and some of these women are really attractive, yet i still aint interested in taking it any further. (luckily that situation hasnt come up yet, probably because i have not pursued it, or they have noticed something about my baggage etc)

i do need to do more activities, at the moment my life is just one boring mess, and i dont want my child to grow up thinking its normal

again thanks for replying

I know precisely how you feel and I'm also an avid soccer player and fan too. How could you not be excited about the WORLD CUP?!? ENGLAND VERSUS U.S.?! There hasn't been anything this big since the battles of Lexington and Concord .

It's okay man, I've found myself around other girls too and not very interested. I'm on 8 months myself. I can't imagine how you feel at 2 years, you must feel like you HAVE to because it's been so long and she's moved on. You will move at your own pace so don't feel pressured, just do what you gotta do to get through each day, as long as you are moving in a positive direction. Those girls you aren't giving much interest to could be somebody that is really special if you give them a shot. They are opportunities and they are passing you by every day. I'll admit I didn't give my ex much of a shot, and I didn't let her entirely in throughout the length of our relationship, but man, I'm certainly glad I gave her some credit. It opened my eyes, and you have to not be afraid to take that leap. We all don't want to be hurt, we all don't want to be rejected, but if you remember the golden times you had with your ex, you know the benefits are always greater then the rewards. And even if things don't work out, if you are honest, you talk about it, and you are still on good terms with these girls, you can still get a friend out of it. And maybe she'll introduce you to HER friends. Get out there and network baby.

If your buddy had a WIFE that had an affair on him and he's out there brimming with confidence, why can't you be? What you have gone through happens to every single person on this planet, but we all find a way to deal. It just doesn't seem like such a big deal until it happens to you.

You feel worthless? Do things that make you feel like you have some self worth. The world is going to pass you by if you just sit there. There is so much out there, and life is too short to not enjoy yourself. Find a way to enjoy life on your own first, and then you will be ready to increase that enjoyment exponentially when you find somebody to share it with.

[cmacattack1]

cmacattack always gives really sound and good advice. This guy is so understanding of situations and I just knew he'd come along to share his wisdom.

I think you should write an ebook for heartbroken guys cma

Heh, I wouldn't got that far. The last thing people need to hear is the sob stories about my ex that I still talk about all the time (to illustrate a point mostly). If it helps others....

[andrew1]

I know precisely how you feel and I'm also an avid soccer player and fan too. How could you not be excited about the WORLD CUP?!? ENGLAND VERSUS U.S.?! There hasn't been anything this big since the battles of Lexington and Concord .

It's okay man, I've found myself around other girls too and not very interested. I'm on 8 months myself. I can't imagine how you feel at 2 years, you must feel like you HAVE to because it's been so long and she's moved on. You will move at your own pace so don't feel pressured, just do what you gotta do to get through each day, as long as you are moving in a positive direction. Those girls you aren't giving much interest to could be somebody that is really special if you give them a shot. They are opportunities and they are passing you by every day. I'll admit I didn't give my ex much of a shot, and I didn't let her entirely in throughout the length of our relationship, but man, I'm certainly glad I gave her some credit. It opened my eyes, and you have to not be afraid to take that leap. We all don't want to be hurt, we all don't want to be rejected, but if you remember the golden times you had with your ex, you know the benefits are always greater then the rewards. And even if things don't work out, if you are honest, you talk about it, and you are still on good terms with these girls, you can still get a friend out of it. And maybe she'll introduce you to HER friends. Get out there and network baby.

If your buddy had a WIFE that had an affair on him and he's out there brimming with confidence, why can't you be? What you have gone through happens to every single person on this planet, but we all find a way to deal. It just doesn't seem like such a big deal until it happens to you.

You feel worthless? Do things that make you feel like you have some self worth. The world is going to pass you by if you just sit there. There is so much out there, and life is too short to not enjoy yourself. Find a way to enjoy life on your own first, and then you will be ready to increase that enjoyment exponentially when you find somebody to share it with.

my mate has always been a player though, i also dont think he was in love with his ex they got married within 6 months of meeting etc.

dont get me wrong i am looking forward to the world cup, but not half as much as i usually do (i still hope we stuff you )

i think one of the problems is that i have to stay in contact with her (which you mentioned earlier) and the fact i have to see one of those lads as he lives in my town, and the fact i never dealt with him when i found out (on her orders) and then when we split up i didnt do anything then, makes me feel like im a loser and should have smacked him.

working gave me some self worth, i really want and need a job

but i do think you're right about getting myself out there and socialising with some women.

thanks again mate

p.s. good luck with your own issues mate, i would like to advise you but some how i doubt that would do much help thanks agin