Marrying an older and previously-married girl?

[canadian1983]

Hi everyone,

I've been dating this amazing girl for the last 6 months after I broke up with my ex of many years. My current gf has many amazing qualities and my relationship is much much healthier than ones in the past, esp. compared my with immediate ex. We have many similar values, are both hard working and goal-oriented, and match in the libido department. I'm moving to another city in a couple of months and need to make a decision regarding this relationship. I need to ensure she is marriage material if I'm going to drag her to my new place of residence.

I love this girl very much. We are best of friends. She is a physiotherapist and I'm a future physician. I see her as an amazing future mother and wife. However, I have daily doubts about our relationship for the following reasons:

1)Her age: she is exactly 18months older than me (26 versus 27.5). My parents do not view this favorably and have given me a bit of a hard time despite the fact that they actually really like this girl's character. My parents, along with some family members, insist that i'd be better off with a younger girls (my dad thinks 6 years younger) because they believe that women age poorly (when it comes to looks). At the beginning of the relationship, I wasn't too concerned about the age, but my mind has become pre-occupied with a wrinkle here and a wrinkle there since i've been bombarded with comments regarding age. She is Caucasian and I'm middle-eastern and my family has this notion that Caucasian women age poorly (when it comes to their skin). Personally, I'm not too concerned about our age difference. Any advice? Does it matter that the girl is a bit older? Do females age poorly as compared to males?

2)Her previous marriage: she has been separated now for a good chunk of time and has no kids. However, there is a stigma associated with marrying divorces. I've never been married but did recently come out of a 7-yr relationship. My parents aren't too thrilled about this fact either and have been giving me a very hard time. Again, they really like this girl's character but they just can't accept that their only physician son would "settle" for someone less than perfect. They tell me that the world is full of good girls and I shouldn't have any trouble finding a good young girl to marry, esp. given my education level and other qualities.

I really really love this girl. She is an amazing person: kind, passionate, social, and full-of-life. She possesses many of the qualities I look for, but, then, there are the problems mentioned above.

What to do? I have a couple of months to decide...

[bluesummer]

I think your parents are hung up on ridiculous stuff, and if you really love her, your parents silly criteria shouldn't even register with you.

First of all, in every race there are people that age well and people that don't. It's genetics. And who cares about the age? She's a successful person, and it's not like she's ten years older than you. If you married someone six years younger, as your parents suggested, you'd be marrying a 20-year old. Which means you're probably marrying for looks and you'll have to support her, because she'll have no kind of career at that age. Do you really want some young arm candy that's just marrying you because you're a doctor and can buy her a nice car and house and expensive purses?

Again, this 'stigma' attached to divorced people is ridiculous, they are not any less perfect than you. I know lots of people who should be divorced, but stay in shitty relationships because they think they're taking the moral high ground. I think they're settling for less, which makes THEM imperfect. Have some respect for your gf's choices, she obviously made them for good reasons, and at least she was smart enough not to have kids.

[Alvy]

Parent's are never always right on everything. There are plenty of overbearing parents who end up doing more harm than good to their kids due to their narrow minded views on certain issues. You're an adult now, you can decide for yourself if she's the right person.

[IndiReloaded]

Pay close attention to the reasons for their divorce and how she treats her ex. That will tell you a lot about her character.

It doesn't really matter what kind of person he is, btw. Its still possible to divorce an asshole with class.

Good luck, and above all trust your gut.

[what_now]

It seems to me you're only having doubts because your parents made a big deal out of nothing. Her age and how she'll age later on seems rather trivial considering the fact you guys love each other and have a perfectly fine relationship otherwise. As for her being divorced, while I've personally never been close to getting one, but it seems to me to be a good thing. I would think someone that's been through a divorce has learned a lot about themselves and what they are looking for or not looking for. My parents divorced when I was young and I feel like divorce was the best thing that could happen to all of us. They clearly weren't right for each other and they made the right decision. If anything, I would be disappointed in them had they decided to stay a crappy relationship instead of doing what needed to be done.

Ultimately I personally feel like your parents should have no influence on your decision. You seem to have a pretty good grasp and understanding of how good a couple you and her are. What if because you let your parents influence you, you ended up ruining a perfectly fine relationship? You're going to be the person that has to live with the pain. Yeah, it's true that the relationship could turn bad either way. But at least you did what you believe was the right thing at the time, and you lost her because you two weren't meant to be, not because you let your parents make an adult decision for you.

[Gigabitch]

Your parents are working you like a hand puppet. If you have no intention of emancipating yourself from them, break up with this girl now and let her find someone else whose family doesn't reject her for these specious reasons.