She is 'confused about us' and wants thinking time - how do I act???

[Bonzo1982]

Hi, thanks for reading this, this is my first ever post and I'll try to keep it brief!

My girlfriend (25) and I (27) had been in a relationship for 18 months until just over 2 weeks ago. During the relationship, the first 16 months were great, we were both deeply in love, could see us spending our lives together and were due to move into a flat together this summer. Things really couldn't have been better.

Things hadn't been right for the last few months in as far as she was far less affectionate, didn't seem so fussed about seeing me and said she actually wanted to move into her flat alone so she could experience living on her own from her parents for the first time and gain some independance (she is very close to family). I confronted her 2 weeks ago after a cinema trip and lunch where she was quite cold again and asked what was wrong. She broke down on me, explaining she had doubts about 'us', hadn't felt the same way about me for the past few months and wasn't sure if we were completely compatable. She said she still loved me so much but didn't feel a spark any more and needed space and time to think about us. She is (like me) quite a quiet person and had obviously bottled these thoughts up - I have said to her that if we had spoken when these issues occurred we could have talked through them and resolved them.

I took this extremely badly and for the last 2.5 weeks have really struggled with life, have lost my appetite, cant sleep, etc. One of the underlying issues I think is the fact that we live in a city which I moved to 3 years ago for work and I have struggled to build up a local social circle, whilst she has friends here from college and Uni. Without her in my life at present, it's underlined the lack of friends I have to help me keep active and I think she was frustrated with the lack of social opportunities I presented her. She has never said this but indicated it since the split and she wants to have more fun nights out. In the last few weeks I've made a real effort to sort this aspect of my life out and have made progress in meeting new people, which I find difficult.

Anyway, my issue is that in the last 2.5 weeks, we've met once for lunch (after 7 days of split which was very pleasant and warm), and have exchanged some casual texts a few times a week. During the first week I made the mistake of putting her under pressure to meet/think but during the last 10 days have kept my texts less frequent and more casual. In the last few days she has actually text me first, which I take as a good sign. The question is, how long do I leave it before I suggest meeting again in some form, either for a casual meet or for her to come out with me and my friends, letting her meet new people in a group environment? She has also just started a new job and is meeting new people, I am concerned that if I give her too much time and space she will simply move on in her mind.

I take some encouragement that she hasn't broken off commnication with me and that she has never said it's over and that I should move on, just that she needs space to think and that we will catch up soon. Ive made a real effort in the last few weeks to improve areas of my life outside of our relationship which will make me a better person and, I hope, give us a better relationship, if she gives it a chance. My point to her is that we can have more fun times, nights out and social events, but can do this within our relationship, even if we take things slowly again to start with!

Any words of wisdom from a female point of view? Thanks for reading!

[xxazurexx]

18 months...you have reached that time in a relationship, where it's either make or break.

Somewhere along the line, she just decided that this relationship was not for her anymore. This is not unusual and because it happens in a lot of relationships - a lot do not and will not stand the test of time and due to one person not feeling the same anymore. Although she may still love you, she doesn't feel 'in love' with you anymore. She is not getting out of this relationship now, what she once did....it just doesn't feel 'right' anymore and there is something missing. There is not enough there on her part and for this relationship to progress. Rather than lead you on, she has decided to be honest with you and let you know how she is feeling. And rather than try to hang on and try to cling it for dear life, you should just back off, give her time alone and to clear her head.

When someone wants to escape, the last thing you do is try to keep them 'caged' up. You let them go.

During the time alone and without pressure from you, she will soon enough come to realise what it is she truly wants and if it's you and the relationship, then she will make her way back.

And if she would forget you as easily as you think she would and if you give her space, then you meant little to her anyway. People who loved you, don't move on that easily

[Bonzo1982]

Thanks for your reply Azure.

I don't disagree with what you're saying at all and I've obviously done a lot of reflecting recently in terms of my own life and have made some changes that make me, I feel, a better, more sociable person with more to gain from life and more to offer. I've made these changes for me firstly as a person, not for our 'relationship' but I also feel that they go a long way in filling the holes that opened up between us.

As you may have guessed, I'm really struggling with the whole concept of giving her space, am worried that any chance that we had of patching things up will dwindle with time and the chances of her moving on will increase. I'm sure you will tell me that this is out of my control and that I need to concentrate on myself. As I said above though, she has never told me that it's 100% over and that I should move on (not even in the last week) but she just says she's very confused about her feelings for us and needs space to think them through. Surely in some ways this is saying that the door isn't completely shut and that there may be an opportunity for me to prove her that I/we can work on the small issues there were? I don't mean jumping straight back in but maybe gradually.

Thanks for your time!

[xxazurexx]

As you may have guessed, I'm really struggling with the whole concept of giving her space, am worried that any chance that we had of patching things up will dwindle with time and the chances of her moving on will increase. I'm sure you will tell me that this is out of my control and that I need to concentrate on myself. As I said above though, she has never told me that it's 100% over and that I should move on (not even in the last week) but she just says she's very confused about her feelings for us and needs space to think them through. Surely in some ways this is saying that the door isn't completely shut and that there may be an opportunity for me to prove her that I/we can work on the small issues there were? I don't mean jumping straight back in but maybe gradually.

Thanks for your time!

The thing is, you have got to give her space. How is she ever going to get the chance to miss you and the relationship, if you don't give her the space in which to miss you? Sometimes people don't realise what they had or miss what they had, until it's gone.

I am also of the belief that if someone truly loves you, they never forget you and often they find their way back to you, whether it be 6 weeks down the line, 6 months down the line...10, 15 years down the line. Some can even return and long after you yourself have moved on. I had an ex do that. He came back after 10 years...but that is a different story.

To be honest, I have never been in this situation, where I've had an ex ask for space and I've never asked for space either. Most of my relationships, just ran their course, things ended and we went our seperate ways.

For someone to not end things totally, but they just request space, tells me that they are confused. Obviously there are still feelings there, which is why they don't opt to totally let go and they leave the door open. However, those feelings are not strong enough, to want to remain in the relationship and to build on it.

If she felt the same way you do, she would be still very much in this relationship.

It could also be, that she is wanting to 'test the waters' elsewhere - see what else is out there and she chooses to keep you hanging on in there and for if nothing better comes along.

It's really hard to know what she could be thinking and because I don't know her personally...all I can do is guess and put forth why I think she may want space and based upon why I would ask for space. For me it's usually 'black or white' though....I either want to be with someone, or I don't.

I would give her a little extra time and see how things go.

[lahnnabell]

The only time I have ever encountered this situation was when my significant other felt attracted to someone else and wanted the opportunity to pursue the attraction. I'm not trying to worry you, but I want you to know that it is a possibility.

It is pretty clear that she spent the last couple of months detaching emotionally. When this happens, it usually means that a person isn't getting something they need/want out of the relationship. You say that she is a lot more social than you are. Were you rather dependent upon her for social interaction? You didn't have your own circle of friends to call upon in the time that you've been dating? This can weigh heavily on relationships. Each person needs to have some solo time. If the pressure was always on her to decide what type of activities you were doing, or who you were hanging out with, one can feel smothered and would naturally desire space.

[RdHrshyKss]

i agree with lahnnabell. she probably felt really smothered, started getting attracted to other people and wants space to figure her feelings out. sounds like she hasn't given you the definite "it's over" because she isn't sure and is testing the waters as xxazurexx stated. it's good that she has been honest with you (for the most part) and has told you that she is questioning things and needs space. it would have been really bad if she was too much of a coward to tell you and cheated on you behind your back.

all you can do is give her the space she needs. it's the only way you'll find out what her true feelings are. but i wouldn't let her string you along for too long. if after another couple of weeks she becomes more distant or nothing has changed. then i would say that she isn't in love with you anymore and hasn't told you yet because she wants something to fall back on in case whoever she is chasing after doesn't work out. at that point you should take it upon yourself to stand your ground and let her know that you aren't going to be dragged along like a doll that she can play with whenever she wants to. that you have wants/needs too and if she can't fulfill them you are going to move on.

keep concentrating on yourself. get into some kinda hobby. my bf is a computer geek so in the past a lot of the people he talked to were online folk he played games with. he wanted to lose weight so he bought a mountain bike and met a whole crew of people that go out on the trails nearby. he's made a decent amount of friends that he goes out with a lot, and has lost almost 30 lbs! get yourself out there, and try to have fun without her. you need this to happen in order for you to have a chance with anyone, because like lahnnabell said, everyone needs their alone time without their bf/gf. it's the only way people can stay sane in a relationship .

[Bonzo1982]

Hi Ladies,

Many thanks for your thoughts, they are greatly appreciated. We have both always had our own space and our own hobbies (so no issues there) but it is fair to say that 90% of the time when we go out it has been with her social circle, who I make an effort with but haven't always 'clicked' with ...because they've all known each other for years. Due to the fact that I'm newer to the area and work with people a lot older, I simply haven't been able to offer a fantastic social circle that we can both share. The fact that I have now identified this as a real problem has forced me in some ways to rectify this in the last few weeks, contacting people that I used to work/go out with socially and get myself back 'out there' a bit. This has worked well, I have felt better within myself and am hoping that my partner/ex would also appreciate this, if she gave it a second chance. Again, if we had discussed this months ago then we could have rectified it!

As far as seeing/wanting other men is concerned, I'm sure that she wasn't seeing anyone or wanting anyone in particular when we split. I asked her this during several of our deep conversations and I believe her answer as she has been honest to me since. If this has changed in the last two weeks obviously I don't really know and probably wouldn't want to consider it!

It certainly sounds like she is holding all the cards and I'm just going to have to sit and wait but at the same time get on with my life. I hate the thought of sitting and waiting for her to make her mind up!!!

I'm really tempted to test the waters and suggest we meet up at the weekend with a group I'm going out with, giving her a chance to meet new people, see that I can be more social, enjoy herself and spend time with me!