Need a womans point of view

[Ohoopee]

Hello,

I am sorry but this is going to be very long winded. I am going to tell you the story first and then ask my questions at the end so that you are informed when you give me your answers.

I really need some womanly advice on what I should do if anything at all.
Here is the deal. There is a girl I have been seeing for the past several months. We met at work and well I guess I would say at this point that we are friends. Now when i say we are friends, we are not the chummy, best buddies kind of friends. No, our relationship has always been very, ummm well flirty. From almost the entire moment we meet, I have flirted with her and she has flirted with me. In fact the first time we went out together (just to a bar for a few drinks) she invited me. Now I knew at the time she had a boy friend and the first time we went out, I ended up meeting him, it was no big deal really. So later I was out with her again and she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend. She didn't tell me why just that they had gotten into a fight. So we continued to go out and I got to really like her and enjoyed going out with her. Then one night, we were out drinking and having a laugh and her ex walks in. Now he pretty much acted like he was ignoring us. So I didn't worry about anything, I just kept drinking and enjoying my self. Later, her phone goes off alerting that she had a text message, it was her ex. I didn't know what was said either way but about 15 minutes later, he walks up to us, says hello politely. At this point she gets up, tells me good by and leaves with him.

Now at this point, my heart near about ripped in half. I was so depressed going home, I kept cursing my self, telling my self that it was my fault that I was moving to slowly and how I had let her get away. The next weekend, she calls me up and wants me to go out with her, but she warns me her Ex would be out with them as well. So of course I didn't go.

I made the comment to her later when she asked why I didn't come out That I believed her and her ex were in the process of getting back together, she laughed and said No way!!!! that they were just friends. Well to be honest.... I didn't believe her so I never really went out with her after that. I just went a head and told my self that I didn't have a shot and I bowed out of the race.

But then, she started coming into work and she wasn't her self. She wasn't smiling like she always did. So I started flirting with her, trying to make her smile and laugh and basically just cheer her up. She told me she was just tired and bored because she worked 7 days a week now, two days only half shifts but she was just to tired to do anything fun. I understood that, so I left her alone. I still kept up my normal flirting with her and her with me like always but I starting noticing that the feelings I had for her, that I had pushed aside, were starting to come back.

Then a few weeks ago, I was out at a bar with a friend of mine and I saw her ex with another woman. Needless to say, I was over joyed and it lit a fire under me. I convinced my self that it was not too late and that I should just go for it. So I was talking with some friends of mine about it and about how I was going to go for it. That is when I got a piece of the missing information from one of my friends. The reason her and her boyfriend broke up was.... he hit her. I was absolutely mortified!!! I instantly hated him as soon as I heard that. Afterwards, I spoke briefly with one of her friends about it and her friend confirmed that yes it was true, she broke up with her ex after he hit her during an argument.

She never told me and I still kind of wonder why she didn't tell me. Her friend also told me that her ex use to call her all kinds of names and really didn't treat her good. So I had my strategy. I was going to be the ying to his yang, I was going to be the opposite to what he was. I started being very, very nice to her. I kept trying to invite her out for drinks after work but she was just too tired. I believe her first of all. I know for a fact she is telling me the truth about her schedule. Her sister also told me that all she does is sleep anymore. So two weeks ago, a fellow co-worker of ours was having a birthday party. I was invited. She was told about it but not invited. So I asked her if she was going. I got the same old response. No No I have to work early tomm and plus she wasn't invited. So, I manned up. I told her that I needed a date for the party and I would love for her to accompany me. Her face just lit up, she smiled so big and she even blushed a little. She said' Whaaaaa. Why are you being so nice?" I just told that all she did was go to work and go home to bed, over and over that she never had any fun. I promised her that if she came to the party for just one hour with me as my date, I could guarantee her she would have fun because I would see to it personally. She agreed to be my date to the party. I was over joyed. This time on my way home I was patting my self on the back saying Good job buddy. Then the night of the Party came around. I got all dressed up and went to her house to pick her up at the designated time. She was laying on the couch in her pajamas. She apologized but said she was just too tired and couldn't go. I made the joke "Oh so your standing me up on our first date huh?" She just laughed and apologized again. So I went to the party. The next day I saw her at work and we were talking about the party when I suggested that maybe me and her could go out for dinner some time. She said yes but not right now, again she was too tired. So I told her that I had an offer she couldn't refuse then. I told her if she was tired all the time, why did I come over to her place or she could come over to mine and I would cook dinner for her and clean after wards. All she had to do was just be there. If she got tired, she could lay down on the couch or go to bed if it was her place and I would take care of everything. She agreed of course and to my surprise, she suggested that dinner be at my place.

Luckily for me, I am a classically trained Chef. I made her a three course dinner with a bottle of wine to accompany each course. I had the lights dimmed, candles everywhere. I also rented a DVD. That was Monday night. Her sister came over to visit her the day of the dinner so I invited her sister along as well. So me, her, and her sister, all had dinner watched a movie and spent the rest of the night just sitting and talking and drinking wine. I thought things were going very well. She seemed to really enjoy her dinner and she got very playful with me, starting tickling me, forcing me to tickle her back of course and doing other playful things like that. Then she got noticeably very sleepy. I offered to let her stay in my spare room but no, she had to be at work early the next day and she wasn't prepared so she had to go home. So I offered to walk her and her sister home. No No she said, we have a ride. So I walked them outside and waiting with them until their ride came. Their ride was her Ex!!!! I almost S**t in my paints. I was speechless I mean, why was he picking her up!!!!! After she got home, she texted me and thanked me for a lovely and said that next time it would be her place and she would cook for me. But I was still confused by her ex boy friend taking them home.

So now woman of these forums. I have a few questions now that you have heard my story.

Why is she still letting this ex of hers hang around after he hit her? She still swears that they are just friends and I was told by one of my co-workers that one day, her ex came up to work looking for her and begged her to take him back and she told him NO right in front of everyone. So, I am confused. I mean, he hit her... in my opinion there is just no excuse for a man to ever lay a hand on a woman. So even if it is true that they are only still friends.... Why? How could she still be friends with him?

I want to ask her the above question myself in person but I am afraid too because she doesn't know that I know he hit her. She never told me for some reason and I am not quit sure what her reaction would be if I was to bring it up. Should I have a talk with her and let her know that I am aware that he hit her and discuss with her how I feel about it and my confusion on why she still lets the ex hang around?

Also ladies, as I said since he was such an a** hole to her. I have been trying to be the opposite, I have tried to be supper nice and sweet and yet in such a way that she will understand that I do like her and that I am not just trying to be a buddy. Am I taking the right approach?

I really like this woman. She is smart, funny, gorgeous, and has a very sweet and kind heart. She deserves so much better than that a** hole of an ex that she is letting hang around her and yes, I do think I would defiantly be an upgrade on him for no other reason than the fact that I would treat her right I would never under ANY circumstances hit her.

She just has me so confused and I really, really like her. Please ladies, can some of you help me make since of any of this. I need advice on what to do.

[Charisma]

She seems really odd. I wouldn't hang around a guy, ex or not, who had hit me. And if I were going out with someone, I wouldn't flirt with other guys, in his presence or not. So I don't know what her deal is.

But that isn't really the issue. The issue is, that she'll probably always have her ex hanging about. And she seems like she'll always be saying this *I'm too sleepy/tired/got to work early tomorrow* stuff. It's her right to say that. She might have other stuff on that she doesn't want to discuss.

So you could spend your time wondering why she's behaving like she is, and continue your (so far unsuccessful) plan of wooing her by being not like her ex, or you could forget her, (not like ignore her forever, but like not asking her out and stuff. Altho your cheering her up is really sweet.) and find a girl without those issues. I know which one I'd pick.

The ex isn't your problem here, even tho it sounds like you think he is. The problem is her. She should be adult enough to stand up to him. And adult enough to realise *maybe still being friends with my woman-hitting ex isn't a good idea*. And to realise *hmmm being seen with my ex about the place and avoiding dates with this amazing guy is not the best idea I've had in a while*. But she's not. And that's for her to figure out. And if she never figures it out, and you still want her, are you REALLY gonna spend forever hanging around her waiting for your chance?

*oh, and I'd be annoyed at her, if it turns out her ex is a jealous possessive prick wanting back with her, and he now knows where you live, and comes after you to make sure you back off from her.*

[RdHrshyKss]

i agree with Charisma. you should definitely back off from this girl and try looking for someone else. she has way too much baggage at the moment. she shouldn't be hanging out with this guy. she screwed you over twice...once in that restaurant where she flat out left you there alone to leave with her ex, and when she had her ex pick her up from your apartment. sounds like she isn't ready to let go of this guy and i don't think that you will be able to get her to do that. girls who tend to hang around guys who are abusive are usually insecure. you being really nice to her might make her feel good, but it won't really have that much of an impact if she is still freely choosing to associate with her ex. just leave her be, you can still remain friendly at work, but i'd cut out the flirtations. go out and meet other women and don't worry about her so much. maybe she just needs some time to work things out alone.

[lastwish]

Maybe you should talk to her about it and ask directly why she still hangs with her abusive ex. There can be other things going on that you don't know about. Or maybe the rumors were wrong. You never know. I suspect you would ask her about it anyways.

[Gigabitch]

Her work schedule is probably not what's wearing her out so much. The prick probably calls her every night at midnight to make sure she's home.

I think you should give the direct approach a shot. Just lay it out there. Just one shot, and then you have to walk away. Find some time to sit her down, tell her you know he hit her, tell her you want her and feel that you can make her happy if she's interested in being happy, and that part of that offer is that the ex must go. Staying friends with an ex is dumb anyway, let alone one that hit you. She doesn't owe him anything.

If she's "confused" or some crap like that, tell her that you regret the way things turned out and that you hope she straightens things out someday. Then distance yourself from the situation and distance yourself from her. I know you care about her, but women who will not leave an abuser are like anchors. They will drag you down with them.

Hopefully, she's ready to get rid of him and will jump at the chance, but I wouldn't count on it.

[xxazurexx]

I think and even though she has this ex who slaps her around, she is still hung up on him. And so long as she remains hung up on him, she won't be interested in you 'that' way nor have time for you. He's still around in the picture and because she's choosing to keep him around.

I guess this is what happens when you will go for people who are fresh out of relationships. You run the risk that they may go back to the previous partners and they tend to have baggage and loads of it.

If she's not dumb she's likely already picked up on the fact that you like her as more than friends. She may be turning down your offers and because she doesn't want to falsely build up your hopes that it may lead to more....and of course, she still loves him.

You could just lay it out there and hope for the best. But like Giga said, I wouldn't bank on it leading anywhere.

[Gigabitch]

And just for the record, I'm married to a sweet-tempered, classically trained chef who treats me like gold. If this girl passes you up, I think she's a fool.

[Ohoopee]

Thank you ladies for all the replies. Yeah I have been around the block a time or two and I have dated girls with emmotional baggage before and girls who were well boarder line crazy and didn't know what they wanted. But this is the first time I have ever encountered someone like these.

The plot thickens....

So last night I was at work. It was the first time I saw her since I made dinner for her Monday night. I was working she came into work with a big smile on her face which is unusual lately. I was working and see comes around the courner and says "Hello Darling" and opens her arms to give me a hug. The funny thing was, the chef next to me though she was talking to him.... so he opened his arms for a hug and she walked past him and gave me a big hug. It just created kind of a funny moment.

So I talked to her a work last night but nothing really flirty. So I finished work and went to clock out. She was standing next to the time clock. Me and her started talking. Her phone rang... it was her ex. He was trying to get her to go out for a drink. I heard the conversation this time. She genually tried to get out of it and acted like she didn't want to go for a drink with him. But she finally agreed to go. So I clocked out and was about to leave, she walks up to me and asks me to go out for a drink and she tells me that her ex will be out. I said no thanks and started to walk away. She stopped me and asked me to please come out. When I said no again, she started playfully suggesting that I was afraid of her ex. Now she was joking and I knew she was joking but the final result was, she talked me into going. I didn't have wallet with me because I never take it to work so I had no money. She offered to by me drinks and everything. She really seemed to want me there for some reason. So me and her are walking to the bar... I finally just had to know. I told her that I was going to ask her a serious question and I hoped she would give me an honest answer. I told her that I knew he hit her that everyone knew. I asked her how could she continue to see this guy and continue to be "friends" with him after that fact.

She told me that he didn't hit her. She told me that they broke up because he was looking at her cell phone and saw where she had been texting me. He got mad and threw her cell phone of the ground and broke it. I don't know how I feel about this answer. I am not completely sure I believe it especually after her best friend and sister told me that he hit her.

So anyway, we get to the bar finally. Her ex is already there. She sits down next to him and starts talking. Now ALL the bar tenders in the particular bar are very good friends of mine so I pretty much just started talking with them. Finally she interrupted us, like he was trying to bring me into the ex and her conversation. So I talked with them both, just idle friend chit chat. Finally her Ex gets up to smoke a cigeratte and he wants her to go smoke one with him. Now I don't smoke, she knows that but when her ex asked her to go smoke, she turned to me. You want to go outside and smoke? I said No thanks, you two go a head. She leaned over to me, rolled her eyes back to her ex and said to me "come on!! Come for a smoke" I again said no mainly because I didn't smoke. She leaned in closer and said "Please just come for one smoke". Again really really seemed to want me there. So I went outside. The thing was, her ex had to see and hear her conversation with me when she was trying to get me to come outside with them. I kind of wonder if this was going to lead to some trouble. It didn't thankfully.

Again... her ex wanted to take her home and she left with him.... again.

This whole thing is emotionally exhausting. In the span of 15 minutes, I go from thinking I have a genuene shot, to being confused, to thinking I don't have a shot, being confused again, then back to thinking I have a shot. But last night really confused me. She claims he didn't hit her. I also did hear her conversation with him on the phone. She did try to get out of going for a drink with him. Then she acted like she really wanted me with them like she didn't want to be alone with him.

Is she afraid?? I was wondering after last night if he has threatened her or something and has her scared. He does call her a lot, at least a few times a day. And every time he calls she always tells everybody shhhhh because she doesn't want him to hear who she is with.

I have to be honest here.... I really, really like her a lot but for the first time since all this began, I wish I didn't.

I would love to just walk away but I just like her too much. I still don't believe she was completely honest with me when she said he didn't hit her but was maybe she was honest, I don't know.

If she is afraid, if he is threatening her.. I am not sure if she would tell me even if I asked. If this is the case, I want to help her. But before I step into something like that, I need to know for sure what the story is and what is going on. I am just not sure I will ever be able to find the truth.

I guess the only thing I can do is talk with her, tell her what I think, my thoughts, on everything and then give her one chance to tell me what is going on. And let her know that if she wants my help to get rid of this guy, I will but she has to tell me now or else I walk away. I really don't know what else to do.

[RdHrshyKss]

I guess the only thing I can do is talk with her, tell her what I think, my thoughts, on everything and then give her one chance to tell me what is going on. And let her know that if she wants my help to get rid of this guy, I will but she has to tell me now or else I walk away. I really don't know what else to do.

Do that, and see what happens. Tell her you will help her, but only if she is willing to completely cut him off. Maybe she'll have to ween him or something, but the overall goal is to get him out of her life because he is suffocating, abusive and needs to move on.

She might have lied to you because she was embarrassed? Maybe she was telling the truth? How old are you guys and how old is her friend and sister? Just wondering, because younger people tend to exaggerate a lot of stuff. Maybe he knocked the phone out of her hand and sorta hit her in the process without the true intention of actually hitting her, so she is downplaying it while her friend and sister are exaggerating it? Either way, that's still physically threatening and could lead to something a lot worse, so getting rid of that guy is something she needs to do. There is no way to know the truth unless she tells you directly, and is honest about it. Maybe you could tell her sister what she told you and find out if it's true? Not sure though, if you aren't that close with her or her friend/sister it would seem really shady for you to be asking about it behind her back, so maybe that's not a good idea.

Just tell her that you care about her and want to help her, but that the only way you can and are willing to, is if she tells you the absolute truth about what happened and stops giving in to this guy's demands. she needs to get rid of him. if she isn't willing to do that, then i'd remain friendly with her, but would NOT give in to any of her demands. if she were to come up to you and bug you over and over to go out to have a drink with her, then you should say "are you still seeing your ex?" if she says yes, then you say "no thanks" and stick to your guns! good luck!

[Ohoopee]

I am 28, she is 25, her sister is 21 and I assume the friend is around her age, 25. She has been working none stop with out a day off for the past several weeks. So she is taking two weeks off and going ot visit her parents on Monday. So I am not sure if I will be able to get her alone and have this conversation before she leaves but at least the two weeks will give me time to think about what I am going to say and how I am going to say it. It will also give me to plan. If she does tell me that she wants to be rid of this ex and wants my help, it will probably get ugly. So I can also use the two weeks to plan the best way to tell this guy to f*** off. Maybe getting away from this guy for awhile will help her aswell. Let her see how good life can be without him. We shall see.