Lost the love of my life, where do I go from here...

[Shy Guy]

Well, I don't know if it was a mistake or not, but against all the advice not to, I spoke with my ex the other day over facebook. She was pretty choked that I had been ignoring her for the past week or so; I just said that I had my reasons. I don't know why I decided to talk to her, but I did. At first it was just small talk about everyday things and what we had been up to, and once I felt the timing was approriate I changed the direction of the conversation and asked her some questions that had been bothering me for a while. I asked her how she still felt about me and if she ever thinks about trying again, and she said that there were still feelings but she couldn't answer the second question. I told her about the positive changes i've made to my life since she left, and that I have rearranged alot of my priorities becoming a more driven and mature person. She said that there was nothing wrong with me and that she loved the person that I was, but it was more to do with her than anything. For the first time she told me that she felt things moved way too fast with us and our relationship, and I agreed with her. We never actually got the chance to date each other, because within the first week we were already a couple, and within a month she had moved in with me. We both agreed that the reason we got together so fast was because of how well we clicked, but moving in with each other so soon was a mistake. We were constantly around each other and never really got a break from one another for very long, we didn't get much of a chance to miss each other, and eventually the relationship had become dry and unpassionate.

Her telling me this gave me a much better understanding of how she felt and why she chose to leave. I told her that we have had alot time to figure things out and put things into perspective for ourselves, and that I felt we were ready to try again, but this time take things slowly. For a moment she agreed and said "yea it could work" but also said that she has alot on her plate right now and that it's alot to think about. I understood because she does have alot going on in her life right now: She is currently moving to a different place with one of her friends, just got a new part time job, and will be starting back up with her old job that she got layed-off from a few months ago. I said to her I can see how hectic her life is right now and that I don't want there to be any pressure or expectations between us. I suggested that we can start by just hanging out once in a while and go from there, but she said she "wasn't sure if it was a good idea". At this point she told me she would brb because she was on the phone, and right then I knew that she was talking to one of her girl friends, getting advice on what she should do. By now I know that she is considering trying again, but I had to wait for the final verdict. When she got off the phone she told me that there is just "too much going on in her life right now" and that she "still needs time to figure out who she is". She said "I'm not sure when i'll be ready to hang out; it could be next week or next month. I don't expect for you to wait for me, just keep doing what you're doing and i'll let you know when I'm ready to try things again."

My understanding here is that she is clealy not ready to be in a relatioship right now, and by no means am I going wait around for her to figure her life out. I'm not sure how I should be dealing with her at this point. There is something that is everyone needs to know about this situation though; at the end of the summer we are BOTH going to be moving to another city to go to the same University. Because she will be moving in a few months anyways, I know that she wont be looking to get into a relationship with ANYBODY ELSE because that would be pointless. This however doesn't apply to me though because I'll be moving as well. I am at peace with the fact that she is young and is going to go out and have fun and have sex with other people, because I am only 22 myself and will be doing the same thing . I am also at ease knowing she isn't looking for a relationship right now, so I don't have to worry about her finding someone else. I obviously still want to be with her, but like I said I'm not going to put my life on hold for her. This is about her figuring her own life out more than anything.

How should I act towards her now? Do I go back to no contact to with her? Do I continue to talk to her and just play it cool, and is it possible to make it seem like I don't care if I do? And for that matter, Is it really detrimental at this point to show her I care?

[Teddy057]

First of all, why would you break the no contact?! She should of been off your facebook friends list by now, and you should have remained strong with the no contact. You just proved to her that you've been waiting around for her, while you saw it yourself, she's off on dates with other guys.... Damn man, I don't mean to sound like a prick but, wake the fu** up. It isn't going to workout between you two right now, probably not anytime soon. Yeah, she said your relationship went too fast, but, you could have worked it out if she cared enough, right?

You wanna know how you should act towards her now? MOVE ON, delete her from your friends on facebook, all pictures of you and her, DONT text or call her. Trust me, this will send a very powerful message, she will be thinking, "Wow, he's moved on, I thought he needed me." If you plan on crawling back to her again, be ready for more heartache in the future. Don't think doing all that will make her crawl back to you either, it's just for YOU, because that's all you need to focus on right now. I know it's hard to stop thinking about someone you care so much about, but this is just one of those shitty lessons life tosses everyone's way. You are supposed to learn from shit like this, not ignore it and try a relationship again with the same person, use this experience for your next relationship, you know to not move in with someone right away, and much much more. Good luck man, we're here if you need anything.

[Cloud206]

First of all it may seem now that she is the love of your life cause u didn't let her go to make room for the next one,i'm not saying u should forget her instantly but in time you will.Don't think of the happyness it would bring you if the relationship will be back on,think of the sadness if she breaks up with you again.

[cmacattack1]

Not talking to her did scare her a bit and she admitted this. It's only been a week. Not a long period of time either. Not long enough for you to change everything even if you told her how much you have changed. Saying what you did to change really just proves that you haven't changed at all, because if you did, you wouldn't feel the need to prove it. And you've only had a week to practice these changes. You would have to show her serious consistency in your change for her to believe you, and how will she if you guys aren't together? Just something to think about.

I know you felt like you had to talk to her and get some things off your chest but nothing was really sorted out by your conversation. Okay, so she admitted that things were moving a bit too fast. You pryed a little information out of her. You can't force her to do anything and you can't push her into being with you again. You still have questions and still are confused. This is why no contact is good. Because it won't ever totally be solved and now that you are reaching out to her, to fall off the map again would just send signals you are confused and this will confuse her as well. If you just stick with it from the beginning you are sending the message that you don't want to be friends, this is what she wanted, and she will have to live with that. Remember you don't need her in your life to be happy, so don't keep your dependence on her strong. Because now that you have talked to her, you are thinking about her and thinking about more questions you have. Not helpful for your situation.

Total and utter no contact is what needs to be done. Please do not be afraid of losing her. You will be fine regardless of what happens.

[Shy Guy]

Wow, I feel like a relapsing drug addict. I really thought I was past all of this, but today I heard the song "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw and actually broke out in tears. It was the song that was always the ringtone on her cellphone, and more than any other song I hear, that one reminds me of her the most. I thought I was doing so well at dealing with this, but all it took was one simple song to bring down the bridge that I had worked so hard to build. It doesn't make sense why acting like I don't care anymore is the wrong thing to do. You would think that showing her how much I still want her in my life would actually mean something, and prove to her how much I truely loved and cared for her. Ultimately, isn't that what everyone wants? To find someone that cares about them more than they could possibly imagine? Maybe it does make sense, I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting it. It really sucks that I would allow myself to fall for someone with such little understanding of herself and the direction she wants to take in life; I should have seen this coming from a mile away dating somebody so young. It's like someone else on this forum said, "Timing... it is a motherf***er." Man, was this EVER a bad case of timing! I don't want to wait around for her, I'm just wasting valuable time and energy if I do, but right now it's almost impossible to believe that I will find someone that I can connect with on the level that we did.

I'm certainly never going to date someone that young again. You don't play the game to lose, and young women are a sure-fire way to a broken heart.

I was foolish to ignore all the advice thusfar, because it really is doing alot of damage to keep allowing myself seem vulnerable. I need to stop pretending like I'm ok with just being friends; I'm not and possibly never will be.

[cmacattack1]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I read tons of relationship books telling me what to do and I still ended up making the same mistakes they told me not to. You are right, it doesn't make sense why people can't accept the love that you want to give them. But if you had somebody that projected such feelings of desperation onto you, that they begged you not to go, and that they NEED you in their life and can't live without you, wouldn't that kind of scare the crap out of you and make you feel sorry for them at the same time? Not saying that you acted like that but it's an example. My ex girlfriend did the exact same thing and the problem with me was I was not in the right frame of mind and in all honesty too immature to accept it. I was unhappy, I needed to sort things out on my own and she was clawing at me not to go and it....scared me away. I didn't think I deserved it and the truth was I didn't deserve that kind of love at that particular time.

As long as you still talk to her, still keep her in your life, basically any form of contact with her will keep you thinking about her, feeling your feelings for her, and keeping that attachment and that sense of need for her. You have relapsed a bit and fallen backwards, but keep in mind that you aren't totally at square one. This feeling you have right now isn't new, you felt it recently before. But you have to do your best to think logically here, because you are emotional. If logic was the Christian Church, emotion is the Anti-Christ.

Logically, it's best to be on your own to regain the happiness you had with yourself and who you were before you met her. Because she wasn't attracted to you because you were this pathetic, shriveled up little shrimp that sobs all the time. She was attracted to the happy, fun loving, great guy that you were before. You cannot restart a relationship in this situation of sadness and loneliness, you would be trying to build a new relationship on a shit foundation. It scary to be on your own, it hurts to lose somebody you have such an attachment to, but you have really no other choice. She's not going to save you and make everything feel better. So what are you going to do?

[boosh87]

My situation was quite similar and I can really relate to the sickening feeling you get when someone who you loved with everything you had is out hooking up with other people while you mope around crying for them. But I guess at the end of it you just have to remember that you aren't her and you aren't defined by what she chooses to do. No matter how hard it is hold your head up high and be proud of everything you did for her. Maybe one day she'll realise she made a mistake, maybe not. One thing I can PROMISE you though (and its quite a sad thought) is that eventually, she will become the past. Whether you meet someone else or not, this will stop hurting and become just another set of memories.

Eventually you'll feel relieved the whole thing is finished and behind you, I promise you that.

[Shy Guy]

What exactly does "I need time to figure out who I am" even mean? That is probably the most confusing thing i've ever heard someone say, especially coming from my ex. Makes me realize that if SHE doesn't even know who she is, then I never truely knew who she was either... which is pretty sad.

[cmacattack1]

It doesn't even matter why, I think the point is that she wants space and she wants to be on her own. Whenever somebody breaks up, you always want to know why, like some kind of reason is there to justify it. We always end up confused anyway though. She didn't fool you and put up this big giant facade, I think you have gotten the chance to know who she is. Sure, she could improve herself in some areas and maybe that's what she wants to do. Don't read into too much, it's pretty obvious you have given this some serious thought.

[IndiReloaded]

No offense, but I really disliked guys like you when I was dating. Noone should want to emotionally own someone this much. Its creepy. Learn to detach a bit more. I bet you'll be much happier and fun for it. Shit happens man, she didn't 'click' with you longterm. Endit.

[Shy Guy]

No offense, but I really disliked guys like you when I was dating. Noone should want to emotionally own someone this much. Its creepy.

In my defence Indi, this is the first time I've had my heart broken, and learning to deal with it is still very new to me. Letting go has been one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, but I didn't realize how obsessive I was becoming over her. I'm a very independant person, so being attached to someone this much, i feel, is very out of character for me. This whole situation has revealed some things about me that I never knew existed, but in no way do I want to appear as a dependant or obsessive person, let alone creepy lol.

In thinking about it though, the way I've been acting would seem pretty pathetic if I was in her position. I just couldn't let go of the idea that I could still fix things, but what's done is done and there is no looking back now. I'm actually doing alot better now though. The mornings for some reason are still tough, but as the day goes on I start feeling better and realize that I've got so many good things going for me, and ultimately she is the one that missed out.

[Shy Guy]

It's been about two months now and it's crazy how difficult it still is to move on from this breakup. For three nights in a row now i've had dreams about her, and non of them were good because we weren't together in any of them. More than anything I want to reach out to her and try to convey the amount of love I have for her still, but I know that if it would be for nothing because I know it's not what she wants right now. What bothers me the most is that I know there are still feelings on her end too, but as time passes they will fade more and more, possibly to the point where she will never have any for me again . It seems like such a waste when the good greatly out numbered the bad in our relationship. Communication in a relatioship is extremely important, and I never had problems with being open about anything to her, but unfortunatley she wasn't as good at being open, and it really proved detrimantal because when I realised how unhappy she had become about things, it was already too late.

Since she left I havn't had sex with anyone because I really havn't had any interest in pusuing it. Last night though, I got drunk and took someone, that i've been friends with for a long time, home. She is very good looking and is not somebody I would not normally regret sleeping with, but last night was the most meaningless and unpassionatel sex I've ever had. I kept thinking if my ex during, and it really ruined the whole ordeal for me and didn't allow me to enjoy it at all. It's really hard to find happiness now when I'm not entirely sure how happy I actually was before I met her. She made my life so much more meaningful and gave me happiness like i've never experienced before. This small town I live in is a dump, and the scene here has gotten really old and dull because finding new things to do, and fresh faces to meet, is difficult. I'll be moving to a much better city in August with my buddy though, and I know that will give me the fresh start that I'm looking for, but in the meantime my search to find that special someone seems to on put hold until then.

[cmacattack1]

It doesn't matter where you go, where you run, if you aren't happy with yourself and can't find that happiness on your own, it will follow you. I'm glad you are doing things and have alot to be optimistic about. Keep doing those things that bring excitement, trying new things, etc. to your life. Maybe the thing that happened with your friend was a mistake and I hope you don't lose the friendship with her on top of that. But it's pretty clear you aren't ready for it, and you want to know what? That's okay. To not need somebody makes all the difference.

Two months without sex? Where's my violin? I'm on about 4 times the length without it, brother. And it made things worse right, you still felt like shit and you still care about somebody else. Probably because she is a friend that you think couldn't really go anywhere, could it? It's fun to meet new people so try and put yourself in situations like that and DATE them to get to know them a bit.

Good to see you recognize her making those mistakes. At least you are taking her off that pedestal. And remember that it doesn't matter what you hear or what you think "you know" about her feelings, if you guys aren't together at the end of the day, any kind of speculation means absolute squat.

Do not say this was a waste of time. See it for what it is. You learned alot about yourself, and alot about what not to do and what not to tolerate from somebody else. The experience from this is priceless and undoubtedly made you a better person that can handle a more advanced and more mature relationship in the future. Take the good from this. It's sad and unfortunate it didn't work out, but what has happened has happened. That's it. You are that much more prepared to be successful with the next relationship, whenever that will come about.

Life is too short to sulk and wallow about things. Keep yourself busy, build relationships with your friends (and maybe some friendships that suffered because of your relationships), put yourself in the position to meet new people and try new things and the time will pass much faster. This is all you really can do, as you need time to heal all. Dwelling and thinking about it will make the days excruciatingly drag by.

[Shy Guy]

Been a while since I've been on here so I figured i would update my thread and let yall know how things are going at this point...

It's been almost 4 months since the breakup with my ex, and I can now offcially say that I am back to 100%, mentally and emotionally. I could have never imagined it would be so hard and take so long to get over her, but like everyone told me, time would eventually heal the wounds and down the road things would get better. It was extremely hard to accept her moving on without me, and actually boiled down to her telling me directly that she didn't love me anymore before it finally sunk in, but eventually I started realizing that it wasn't the end of the world and things could be alot worse. I would think of how everyday, people are devastated by natural distasters, war, murder, famine, etc, and lose many of their loved ones, and sometimes entire families. In the end, I'm just glad that she is happy and healthy.

It was really hard to imagine being able to find someone else for the longest time, but the impossible has happened and I'm now seeing someone else that is absolutely amazing. She is 4 years older than my ex and I'm really enjoying the level of maturity she brings to the table, not to mention she is even better looking . She is really fun to hang out with and has so many qualities that were lacking in my last girlfriend. I've only been seeing her for about a month but it's crazy how fast we have clicked and we are absolutely crazy about each other. I'm enjoying every second of it, but at the same time, not getting too far ahead of myself; I've learned now not to jump into things too fast and to just savor the moment. It's funny how good things can fall into place when you least expect them, and I am now a true believer in everything happening for a reason. For everyone that feels the way I felt not too long ago, let me tell you this: Life doesn't always give you a choice on the direction it takes, but with every bad comes greater good, and when one door shuts many more will open.

[cmacattack1]

Heh, glad to hear you are doing well and enjoying the fun exciting honeymoon period with somebody else. Probably takes that to get you back to 100 percent, wouldn't you say? Enjoy the time you have together.