she left me and took my son

[Gigabitch]

no just maybe some insight into what could be going through her head?

What's going through her head is "Me, me, me!" because she's very young and feeling trapped by motherhood and commitment before she was really ready for it.

[brownowl90]

thanks for all your advice and opinions, for the record i was never married and never cheated, though i knew i was leaving for K and can not justify what i did, i just didnt think i should stay in a relationship i wasnt happy in, that would have meant my daughter growing up among arguing parents. yes karma is a bitch and i sure believe in it now. i would appreciate any feedback and maybe i do need to step back from the situation and just realise i deserved it and try and bring my 2 kids up the best i can.

[xxazurexx]

^^Course you cheated dumb ass! Married or not, you were in a long term committed partnership and you were having liasons with a woman, other than your long term partner!! Isn't that cheating?

It's also funny that you never took your daughters welfare into consideration, until this other woman happened to come along.

Nope, you continued to stay at home and prior to her arrival on the scene. That tells me, you were not as unhappy as you claim - else you'd have been out of there long before someone new came along.

Yes, just realise you deserved it....life goes on.

If I'd been having an affair and upped and left my partner and child for another man, then it happened to me in return....I'd be thinking I'd 100% deserved it and I'd accept it.

Maybe the novelty finally just wore off, that she'd bagged another womans man!!!

[Trickee]

Okay 1. She was still very young, probably didn't even know what she wanted in life yet, and realized she wasn't ready to settle down so started partying and meeting new people (which i don't blame her)

2. It's hard to believe but i know that people sometimes just lose feelings for each other out of the blue. It seemed like she really did care about you but with her being so young, she just lost that spark for you after a while.

3. Taking separation is hard, so you're just gonna have to stick to keeping in touch with your son through your parents and go out, hang out with friends and eventually meet new people.

Hope things fall together for you.

[IndiReloaded]

What's going through her head is "Me, me, me!" because she's very young and feeling trapped by motherhood and commitment before she was really ready for it.

This ^ is most likely what happened. 23 is not very old.

Anyway, the whole situation is sad. Sounds like your ex cheated on you, you eventually left her for another woman. This new woman then left you. Karma dealt to the adults all around and the children left to suffer, as is always the case.

Try to figure out your issues as to why this keeps happening to you. Don't go running to yet another woman and becoming her baby daddy too.

If your relationship has children and is unhappy, do everything you can to make it happy. You seem to think the answer to your happiness is with another person. Its not.

[brownowl90]

had my son at the weekend, K was texting to see how he was then asked to speak to him which i did. thne i couldnt bite my tongue n NC any longer, he had turned up with dirty clothes and car seat, i had a dig about how shed not only ruined my life but my childrens aswell and how our son will know the truth when he is older and she will have to live with that. childish i know. i then went on to lie and say i was away for the weekend with another girl and her son, i wanted her to feel how i feel knowing D is bringing my son up. she rang and left an answer machine message saying i was sick and evil and that she doesnt love me so why should she be with me?? that hurt, it wasnt even i dont love u anymore< just a blatant i dont love u. i ended up crying all morning, still dont believe she understands what shes done, i cant take much more of this pain, then to top it all off i had a 4 hour drive to drop both my children "home" they both cried as i left them, they love being with me and i love them so much, how can all this be ok??? im not sure if she is on drugs? got post natal? or just thinks the grass is greener cos shes immature? either way i think now she means it when she says she doesnt love me!

[LailaK]

You sound like you need to be a bit more mature. You're almost 40 with two kids. Make some adult decisions and move on. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the sake of your children.

Men kill me when they get these young girlfriends and expect then to be a perfect little wifey and mom. As a 25 year old I can tell you that I'm far from ready to be anyone's "wife" and far from ready to be anyone's "mom". My main priority is to work and have fun with my friends on the weekends. That's what 25 year olds do and your ex was probably missing that lifestyle. She has her whole life to be locked down with commitments. Why start early?

I'm not saying that her immature behavior and leaving her kid in dirty clothes is right, I'm saying that that's what you can expect from someone who wasn't ready and probably doesn't want to be a mom.

[brownowl90]

slow down dear,,,,, 35 is not nearly 40 lol, i agree i need to grow up and show more maturity, its just hard when your feeling pure emotion to be so rational, im the first person my friends will come to for advice, cause usually im clever and mature and give sensible advice, yes ive probably been let down and yes she is immature and young, but she owed me more for everything i gave up for her, i will and always have looked after my kids and im considered to be a a good father by everybody i know, they do come first to me, it doesnt mean the pain is less or easier to handle, actually probably makes it worse!

[Gigabitch]

You set yourself up to be let down, my friend. Be more careful going forward. Now your son is stuck with a immature, underqualified mom and you're acting uncharacteristically volatile. I wonder if you are holding out some insane hope that is causing you to have expectations that aren't being met. Revise those expectations. She can't disappoint you if you expect nothing from her. It's clear to me that nothing is what you're going to get.

You went a long way down the wrong road. It's time to turn around now.

[brownowl90]

think what hurts the most is i really believed her when she told me she loved me, she meant it no doubt, she then changed within a day of going out with her sister and i knew she didnt anymore, that quick??? her reason for leavin were she said i didnt listen to her anymore, that i didnt show her i loved her anymore, looking back maybe i didnt, but i just couldnt grasp that this happy, bright girl had changed so much, the times i didnt listen were eg. i wud pick up my daughter come home and she would be sulking because id met my ex, i would then withdraw from the conversation because i felt she was being unreasonable, she would then begin an argument to which i would reply that i had to see my ex and was there for the minimum time possible and she should get over it! eg. she didnt like living in my exs house and being so far away from her friends n family, i understood this and put the house up for sale and bought her a car to give her transport to visit friends n family, which she very rarely did??? i gave up going out with my friends and football which i love, she then near the end told me to go play football on a sunday morning, everytime i did she would ring me 10mins after i left the house and fall out with me on purpose???? i dont see what i could have done different! she now texts and talks to me about our son as though nothing has happened, as though i should just accept and understand her decision, i dont, so i reply with anger, she replies i dont love u and want to be with you so why should i, so i get more angry telling her she didnt understand we were just having a tough few months, we should have stuck together and go through it that she owed me more and shes a liar and a selfish cheat(anger i regret it after) she then calls me evil and says i make her ill with the things i say and she cant look after her son, that im wrong for feeling like that and i should just accept her decision, but its based on her thinking its more important to be going out drinking with her friends and new man rather than building a stable family for our son.

[xxazurexx]

People don't tend to just lose feelings and overnight. She checked out of the relationship sometime ago, but without physically leaving it.
It then reaches a point where they decide to physically leave and usually it's another woman or man, they finally exit for.

So, she has another guy then?

She can act like nothings happened and appears to have moved on so quickly and because she emotionally left you a long time ago.

Cheaters are selfish people and tend to only think of themselves and what they want. They couldn't give a shit whose lives they may be destroying, as long as they are ok. She is thinking of what she wants now and what is best for 'herself'....in the same way and just like you thought about yourself and what was best for 'yourself' and when you left your ex.

If it was fair for you to go for what you wanted, then why do you not think it is fair for her to do what she wants?

[brownowl90]

everything you say is fair, its still hard to accept, slight differences were that my ex whom i left had cheated on me 2 years before and we were never the same after, i had tried for them 2 years to rebuild the relationship but we both knew it wasnt the same and also it never hit the heights of love that i thought me and K had shared. She never tried, it was instant and i cant believe that the person that 2 weeks before was still talkin about new houses and marraige had already left the relationship??? as for her seeing someone else, she has been seeing D for 6 weeks about 4 months after she left, wether that was the truth ill never know but she assures me it was, i have my suspiscions though, she did try and meet up with me a few times and make it work but was never really there and she often turned her phone off and was sometimes "funny" when on the phone, a big part of me says it started long before and he was on the scene as a "friend" for a while, she still will swear that it is not the truth. if it is then that hurts even more, she must have real feelings for him toput me through this and uproot our son from his father, though deep down the relationship is almost certain to fail long term it kills me to think of her being as happy with him as she was at the start with me.

[Gigabitch]

... it never hit the heights of love that i thought me and K had shared.

That wasn't love. It was infatuation. Classic case of mistaken identity.

[LailaK]

You keep bringing up the differences but they don't really matter all that much. The bottom line is she was unhappy and she left you. Is she selfish for not thinking about her son? Sure! But she is young and you are not going to change that. EVER. Lift your head up and try to move on with grace.

xxAzurexx is right. She emotionally left you a long time ago, you just didn't notice it. If talking to her is so painful you need to not talk to her at all unless it concerns your son.

[brownowl90]

it still hurts when its about our son, but i need to deal with that, surely you understand that my heart is hoping that she realises that our family is important and that times just got tough (debts,new baby, wrong house etc)and she regrets not sticking it out and asks for another chance??? that she too wants to fight and recapture what we had, i understand that its unhealthy of me to feel this way but its the only comfort thinking i can do that makes sense, the only thing that gets me out of bed in a morning thinking this is the day it all changes.