Kinda longish story. young love

[LostOne]

First off i'm about to explain something i can't even comprehend. 2nd off even if i wanted this girl back i buried myself in a deep hole after we broke up.
long story short. love of my life. light to my day, gone. when i was depressed over "work" we mutually broke up because even tho we had a 40 min distance relationship it made me insecure when over 2 weeks i only saw her once. she wouldn't do things she used to do, and wouldn't talk to me about it. she would just tell me "i'm going through something right now". i would ask her and she would say "i don't want to involve you in it". that's a slap in the face when someone you love says that. so i'm thinking what is it? am i not being spontaneous enough for her? is it another guy? is her family ok? what am i doing wrong? all those things. so i start stressing out. and as her attitude continues i told her we had to talk. i told my sister the situation and my sister kept telling me to break up with her (never take critical love advice from someone you love they are jealous). so i called with intentions of breaking up w her. asked if she wanted to make this work, no quick response. then i said cuz i can't take all these games, and then she cuts me off and says "OKAY THEN NO". so we basically break up and she says come pick up your stuff when you are ready in a crying voice. i call her back and she says the same thing.

i decide to go home to be w my sis cuz i didnt wanna be alone. and she texts me let me know when you're ready to get your stuff. so i kinda took it as a threat and said i'm ready right now. we exchange shit without words. split. and i haven't gone a day since without thinking about her.
heres where the hole begins. right after we exchange shit i start sending long texts about how i never shoulda trusted a girl who;s best friends w her first love. then i made myself look like a creep because one of the guys she said she had been with before i saw his myspace back in the day. and there was a picture of him and her and he was on ex. so i said something like i can't believe you let some dude who does ex have sex w you. did you let him do it w you while he was on it? then she admitted she made it up about having sex w him (i don't know why, maybe because i told her she was my 3rd, but she was really my 2nd). but they did used to date. and we just got to being evil to each other she called me and said she just got sick of me (i probly was sickening i was depressed outside of our relationship things weren't going good at work), and how she wouldn't be there as my "hobby" (one day i accidentally said that but didn't mean it in a low context. but i never know if it was because another guy or what really turned her away. was it her family? friends? best friend? new guy? just me? i still don't know.

week later i text her telling her to read a message i sent apologizing for insulting her and i'm sorry the way we ended sucked (terrible move),and she asked if it was "important". (what did that mean?) i said not really just check it when you have time. she said she didn't have a computer ill check it later. she never responded. i wake up a couple days later feeling like shit again due to my **** up. i check her status on fb (lame i know) which she deleted me from.. and it says "its a gooood morning". i send her a text and say i hope your silence make you feel real good about yourself. about a month later i still can't get her off my mind. i randomly texted her a few times between that month. if she responded it would be minimal. one day i felt i just had to talk to her i was miserable. so i sent her a text saying i wanted to tell her how i felt and i'm gonna give her a call 2morro. she doesnt pick up when i call and i leave a message just kinda re-apologizing and i tell her even if its not the same kind of love i used to feel i still love her. she has a dude call my phone and say i just got this phone people keep asking me for her i don't know who she is. i go "shut the **** up who is this" blah blah i hang up. i text her and go "if i got this all wrong i apologize but (girl names) **** you and you're a bitch. bout a month later i e-mail her saying i'm sorry for saying that iono whats wrong w me.. i felt so betrayed how after i admit i still have love for you, you have a guy call my phone to pretend you don't exist like i'm some kind of idiot. blah blah blah. she says i understand, calls from her house phone whil i'm working and leaves a 1 sec message saying nothing. i e-mail her like did u listen to my vm and leave a message. she goes iono why i called i changed my mind. i e-mail her back being nice.. and she doesn't email back after about a week.. so i send another one saying you keep pretending to be a righteous person blah blah. she goes "righteous? haha blah blah at least i didn't lie about who i was". and i asked what this meant. explained i thought she wasn't righteous for leaving me hanging like that when I'm asking what I did wrong. and she still didn't respond.
I still love this girl.. i know she has been dating other guys. but i still can't go on without thinking i ****ed up the best thing that ever happened to me.. i'm about to see a psychic cuz i don't know if i should give up on my heart or what. i've dated 2 girls since but every time i'm just not as interested. i've had sex one time after her but it was out of lust. i'm so empty.. and iono what to do. think about her, dream about her. if you read please respond. i know i dug quite a hole. love is strong with me, as well as lost

[LostOne]

o and the sex was great

[cmacattack1]

You have made it a shittier situation through your actions. We have all been through it. We all over apologize, and we have begged and cried, it was what we instinctually do. That kind of behavior makes it worse for you. When you are emotional, you are very confused and hurt and it's written all over your face. To project that need onto them and have an air of desperation about you, it pushes them farther away and reconfirms their decision that "Hmm, he can't live without me." And to think that crying and apologizing could fix things anyway. You guys first fell in love based on how happy you were, not apologies. So when you come at them saying sorry, a million times, it's not attractive at all. It's the opposite of confidence, it's weak, and things are now based on pity. You don't love somebody you pity.

Of course you are going to think about her all the time. You have to break your dependence off her and deal with this on your own. The more you keep in touch, the more you are resisting letting her go. Even if she were to be with you right now, things wouldn't be the same. There is too much hurt and distrust there. There hasn't been enough time to change and become a better person because you she would need to be a better person for a relationship to work. If she was the same, logically, it would have the same result (broken up). You have to accept that there is nothing you can do about the situation, and institute absolute no contact, regardless of what she does. You fall off the face of the earth and you take away that cushion you were offering her before (with the attention and the apologies). The break up gets real.

You may have had some responsibility for this break up but she was not perfect either. Do not beat yourself up. Regardless of all the what if's in the world, this has happened, and you were probably oblivious to your actions. You didn't know any better. Your experience has helped you grow into a better understanding of love and having a greater, more passionate ability to love. Essentially, you have become ready for a more advanced relationship in the future. As long as you accept what you did wrong as wrong, and saw what kind of behavior she had that was wrong, you know what to do. And when you are hurting, these kinds of lessons hammer into your head pretty hard.

You aren't a victim though. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and keep yourself as busy as hell to help some time pass. It does get a little better every day, even if you hit some low lows. Do not contact her, and do not keep tabs on her facebook. Take her number out of her phone if you are afraid to drunk contact her or something. I know you probably have memorized the number, but it's less tempting that way.

You have to get your life back and start learning to live life without her. Not focus on how to win her back. The more you push, the tougher it is on you. Break ups happen every day to every single one of us. Do you think yours is any more important? We all find ways to deal and we execute that. You can too.