Need Advice: Pregnant and He doesn't want it, do I tell his family?

[bluesummer]

He's trying to guilt you into keeping hush hush about it so that it will make his life easier. Screw that. It takes two to have sex, and he needs to own up to getting you pregnant. Forcing him to be a father is one thing......I've always kind of thought it was an awful catch-22 for men when women get pregnant accidentally, since the woman has the choice whether or not she wants it and the man doesn't. You decided to take on this responsibility alone, so you may have to shoulder the lion's share of this burden.....er, bundle of joy.

But DO tell his mother, since it is her grandchild. He should be forced to fess up.

[Car Chick]

I think the family has a right to know, especially his mother. If my son had made a child, even if he wasn't going to be raising it, I would still want to be grandma.

[Car Chick]

It will hurt his family more if you don't say anything, and the whole "She'll kill me thing" is either just an expression or his way of manipulating you so he doesn't get in trouble and have to spend the night on his new gf's couch.

[Car Chick]

Uh, this is easy.

You have the RIGHT, as the mother of HIS child to let his mother, HER flesh and blood know about her grandchild. That man is SO bloody selfish. He should be glad it was you and not me that he knocked up, or I would've shoved my foot so far up his.........you know what I'm trying to say. If he didn't want a child to come in and mess up his relationship and his status as a 'good guy', then he should've man up when he slept with you and used protection. Or, better yet, don't have sex with you at all!! Coming from a girl who hasn't seen her father or his family in over 12 years, your daughter needs to know where she comes from, she needs to know about her roots. That man is just being a total and utter slimy douchebag, only thinking about his own well being and comfort, and not about what's right for the child. Because, even if he wants her not, this is still HIS child at the end of the day. He deserves whatever comes from his crazy girlfriend. This is just sickening.

I have come in to alot of contact with men like this. And it just makes my blood BOIL something fierce. I feeling like punching something.

And don't forget to take his weak ass to court for child support!!!

Ha, awesome response. I like a woman who can speak the truth. That's what this situation needs. He's a selfish little boy who needs to be a man. Don't worry about hurting his feelings girl, because he's sure not worried about hurting yours or your child's or anyone else's for that matter.

[Car Chick]

I think you should terminate the pregnancy. You may be ruining your own future,
and the baby's as well. People think they can beat the statistics, but that rarely happens.
Sorry.

I don't know what statistics you're talking about, but I do know that God wanted this baby to live. She lived through TWO forms of birth control. There is a special plan for this young life, and to snuff it out simply becaus two people made a mistake is not going to fix anything. Two wrongs don't make a right.

[Car Chick]

I don't think a letter is a good idea. You really need to have sit-down with her. This is way too big for a letter.

[Aeradalia]

It may have been ok to be accommodative to his wants and needs when it was just you he was hurting. That's your choice to accept such abuse or not. However, the situation has changed now that a new life is being decided for.

You've decided to keep the child, he has decided to deny the child... but what of the child herself? She only has you to stand up for her... will you subject her to the same form of mental abuse that he puts you through?

Absolutely not. It takes two to make a baby and it takes two to raise a baby -- even if one helps only through child support. Stand up for your daughter's rights and take all that is owed to her. She deserves some form of help from her father, love and support from his family... just as she deserves love and support from you and your family. As her mother, it is your job to make sure her needs are met.

[RdHrshyKss]

how did it go? did you end up talking to his mom?

[IndiReloaded]

Actually, I'm glad Kaius made his post. However distasteful it may be to you, and the "godly" people out there (who don't have to raise your child as a single parent, btw), an abortion IS a viable option for you. There are some who might decide it is just too hard to make a go of it alone.

That said, you clearly want this child enough to raise it alone. If your position is truly stable enough to support yourself and your child without help, then go for it. This is important b/c no matter how hard you push, there is always the chance you will not be able to get any support from him. Or he will fight you to the point you decide its simply not worth it.

I think it is unwise to try and force the father to play any kind of an active role if he doesn't want it. It will only end up hurting the child. Child support if you can get it, yes. Forcing him to engage when he doesn't want, no.

Yes, you should tell his mother/family. But only to inform them of what happened and your decision. Let THEM berate him for his decision if they choose to do so. They may not, and may even make you out to be the evil party in all this. Be prepared for the worst, hope for the best, but above all stay calm and focussed about your willingness to go it alone.

Good luck to you both, you will need it.

[the_robot]

I don't know what statistics you're talking about, but I do know that God wanted this baby to live. She lived through TWO forms of birth control. There is a special plan for this young life, and to snuff it out simply becaus two people made a mistake is not going to fix anything. Two wrongs don't make a right.

It's called statistics not "God". None of the birth control methods are 100% reliable, even using two of them, with the amount of couplings that happen in the world every day, non-wanted pregnancies are bound to happen quite a few times a year.

[RdHrshyKss]

i'd say more than a few, robot

also want to say i agree with pretty much everything indiloaded said. people who talk tons of trash about women who are considering an abortion are just judgmental morons. not saying i would personally make that choice, but i'm not going to judge any other woman who has to consider it. as hard as it is for a woman to carry a child, it's just as emotionally hard for a woman to make that ultimate decision. i don't wish it on anyone, but i will always fight for the choice.

i'd also not try to force the father to be involved. you can take him to court for child support, but don't expect him to give it to you. he made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. you made the choice to go it alone by keeping her, so that's what you should do, and don't expect anything from him. he's still a freakin tool because he doesn't want to be involved with her, but that's his choice. and it won't be good for your daughter trying to force him in a relationship that he doesn't want to be in. your best bet is to worry about you and your daughter, take care of her, make her your top priority. find a nice man who will love you and be willing to take on that father role for your daughter, that's her best shot at a healthy life. screw your ex, he's worthless and there's no reason to involve him in your daughter's life. if she asks, be honest, trying to hide information from her will only make her resent you later on.

[bloodtippedrose]

Im hoping that youre not having this baby and sleeping with this guy still because of unresolved feelings for him. He cheated on his current girlfriend with you, he is slime.

[tryingtoforget]

Yes, I told his mother. She was predictably horrified, but doesn't blame me(though I know it takes two).
As for the strange suggestions that I not try to force him into being a father, of course i won't. I never had any intention of doing so, I made a momentary mistake, but I'm not completely daft.
The baby is getting big, the nursery is ready, and we, her family and friends, are all excited to meet her. (or him) just can't stand calling her it.
And NO, I am not still sleeping with him. I am not in contact with him at all. I'm not risking bringing my child into a volatile situation.
Thank you for the advice all.

[MerryH]

Sounds like you're doing well. Congrats.