Lost the love of my life, where do I go from here...

[Shy Guy]

This is long and mostly just a way to vent, but some advice would be greatly appreciated.

About 2 months ago, my gf of 8 months left me. Her reason for leaving was that she "wasn't happy", yet our relationship was very good (in my opinion). When she left she was still very much in love with me, but I guess not enough to stick around and try to figure things out. She said many times that I was the best relationship she ever had and that she never loved anyone this much before. But when she decided to break things off she felt we just had to go our separate ways for now and take the next step in our lives, then maybe down the road we could try again, and said that "right now this just isn't what i want". I guess she felt that her life wasn't going in the direction she wanted it to, and with the way things were going, couldn't see the future she wanted with me. For two weeks straight I tried everything to get her back, but to no avial. She just kept saying that she "still has feelings for me but knew that, right now, things aren't going to work out".

Since she left, I have done alot of maturing and personal development as well as rearranged my priorities in life. I've never loved anyone as much as her, and even after two months I am still DAY TO DAY on trying to deal with this. I feel like I'm going crazy because no matter what I do she is still in the majority of my thoughts. I've been keeping very busy with work, excercising (alot actually), hanging out with friends, and have even been upgrading my education so i can go to univercity next year. Non of it seems to be able to keep my mind off her for more than five minutes though. It seems like the only time I am happy nowdays is when I believe that she will see all the good things i've been doing and will eventually want to be with me again, but as time goes on it just feels like wishful thinking. The fact that we were still very much in love with each other when she left is what keeps me clinging on to the hope that she will come around eventually. I treated her like gold and highly doubt that she will find someone else that would love and care for her as much as i did. But recently I have started to have my doubts about her...

Just a few weeks ago I seen her at a bar with another guy that is, in my opinion, a big time loser, and completely lost it when i found out she was hooking up with him. At that point I should have had some closure to things between us, knowing she had moved on, but I could only stay mad for a short while cause i know she doesn't love this guy. I told myself I wasn't going to have any contact anymore, but then a few days later, like an idiot, I continued talking to her as though nothing had happaned. Then, just the other day, someone told me that she was hanging out with another guy that is a total dirt bag as well, and most people that know him share the same opnion. Basically she is just rebounding all over the place now, and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. Everyone is telling me to just stop talking to her completely, which is what I have officially started doing. As of recently, I don't know what to think of her anymore. She is only 19, and I knew that eventually she was going to start hooking up with other ppl, but not like this. It appears that she isn't as classy as i though she was and is showing her true colors. Dare I say she is a slut now? Or is it just a rebound phase that will pass? I am more confused than ever now because I am twice the man compared to any of these douchebags she's been hanging out with lately. If the scenario of her realising that she does miss me and wants to come back ever does happen, I don't even know if i could take her back now. It feels like she is a different person that I would become jelous around because I'd feel as though I couldn't trust her anymore.

If I truely felt that her heart was 100% sure of wanting to be with me again, I would probably forgive her, because as much as I hate what she is doing, I still love her and want to be her man. I guess it's just a matter giving her time to figure out what she really wants. In the meantime though, how should I be going about this? Should I just continue to appear as though I don't care about her anymore? A girl-friend told me that if she were to ever find out about me being with someone else she would realise how much she really misses me IF she still loves me. Is this something that is generally true? Is jelousy an angle i should exploit to try and get her to realise how much she still cares?

[driveforhonor]

No, to the issue of jealousy.

And you should read my post (should be near the top) and message me. You and I have LOTS we can talk about. Do you have AIM?

[Shark]

Have secks with other girls. TRUST ME, this is the BEST cure.

[VincenzoG91]

First thing, stop referring to her as "the love of my life." She wasn't. Pretending that she was is simply prolonging your pain. Move on, because she certainly has.

Work, school, friends, and exercise... those are all good things for you right now, and in general. You're doing the right things, but you need to mentally re-frame the past to move on. Instead of "the love of my life," try to think of her as "someone I used to date." That's more dry and abstract and distant, which is how you want to be looking back on that experience, if you really must look back at all. And judging by the caliber of the guys she is with now, she wasn't that great, she didn't appreciate you, and she has low standards. Just leave her in the past, move on, and you will eventually meet better women. Keep up your self-esteem, because women are more attracted to confidence than almost any other quality.

[vasiboat]

Let me first say that I'm sorry you feel the way you do. But I also want you to understanding that sometimes it is better to move on and make a fresh start than try to reconnect a broken love string. Remember, there was a reason it broke in the first place (no matter how lame it may seem), and that reason will always come back to tear you apart even if you're able to reconnect. So my advice to you is to move on and forget about her. Remember she has already moved on.

[Teddy057]

She's 19, she doesn't know what the hell she wants. Unfortunately, the only way for her to realize what she wants is by sleeping around and being a "slut". Did it ever cross your mind that she doesn't want someone who treats her like gold? I am going through what you are too, treated my ex like a princess, would have dropped anything I was doing for her, and I did lots of times. Read my post if you want to. It hasn't even been 2 months for me and it's still hard, I focus on lifting, work, and other friends. Yes, I still think about her a million times a day and still dream about her, but hell, we all gotta move on sometime.

I think the healthiest thing for the both of us to do is to start dating, only when you're ready of course, or just to get your mind off her. Just remember, 19 year old girls tend to do really stupid shit, maybe they will regret it one day, maybe they won't. I wouldn't stick around to find out.

[cmacattack1]

I can certainly understand why you are confused. She tells you that it's the best relationship she has ever been in before but still breaks up with you? Why on earth would anybody do that? The truth of the matter is she doesn't feel for you like she used to. It's lost it's magic and allure to her. I know it's hard on you and you feel like a reject or a failure for getting shot down like this, but your self worth is not reflected upon her opinion. She just didn't feel it anymore and wants to go out and try something new. That sounds terrible to say, so she didn't say it in those words. She just gave it the "it's not you, it's me" routine.

So you thought the relationship was pretty good in your opinion. You've had to make some mistakes because you do talk about all the progress you've made, and grown up so much since she dumped you. So maybe it wasn't as good as it could have been. You also say she was the "love of your life" and still continue to say this. She has been the love of your life so far, but the extent of love you can feel has been expanded that much greater. Believe it or not, you will be able to connect to somebody even more deeply and more passionately then your ex girlfriend, because of how much you have grown. I know you don't care about anybody else but I'm sure as you see her go on and do her own thing with other guys, you will start to see the opportunities that are there right in front of you that you weren't looking before.

She was clearly a very immature person to handle a break up such as this. By sugarcoating it and saying she still cares about you, then hanging out with other guys, it makes her look very contradictory. Most of us had acted like this because we don't know any better. But you never break up with somebody with intentions to get back together, because that logically makes zero sense. She's kept you hooked when she alludes to it working "maybe in the future", and it is very possible that it could happen in the future. Is it likely however? Nah. Not usually. There are so many people out there that we could want to be our "one", it usually doesn't have the ending that you want right now.

You have the problem of every single person ever dumped on the planet at this moment: you are thinking in terms of getting her back. It's a fatal pitfall. It's pushing your stress to the edge and creating a kind of cushion for her at the same time, and both is working against you. To let her know you care for her and will always be there for her, gives her more confidence to push forward and try something new with somebody else. If she already knows she has you, why not? Meanwhile you are doing all this "improvement" with your ultimate goal of getting her back with it. Why not concentrate on just doing things for you and making yourself a better person? This will allow you to also be a better boyfriend, son, friend, etc. in the future. I remember I tried all the above in efforts to get my ex back but when she had a new boyfriend, it kind of came to a screeching halt. I picked it back up again though because I came to peace with the fact that I didn't need her to be happy. Same with you. You do not need her to be happy. You should want her in your life to make you more happy. There is a big difference. Your focus on you should be breaking your dependence off her and finding happiness without her in your life. Or doing things without having her as the ultimate end goal. Because once you do, you will suddenly realize that you don't care to chase after her anymore and will be readily available for somebody new.

Every day is a struggle. I understand. Keeping in touch with her is just making things more worse. You have to think of yourself here and cut her off for good, even if she tries to talk to you. You know what she is doing and she is ultimately trying to keep you around to catch her if she falls. It's not helping you keep focused on you. So you have to, because let's face it, keeping in touch hasn't gotten you anywhere has it? Another thing: stop keeping tabs on her. Stop checking her facebook, stop checking out who she is hanging out with, just stop. That's what she wants to do. It doesn't involve you. So you think the guys she hangs out with are dirtbags. You don't know them and you are just making assumptions based on what you hear from other people. If they are dirtbags they will prove themselves to her and she will deem them unworthy. That's her perogative, her experience, her life lessons to learn.

I've been on eight months of being without my ex and like I said it's a battle every day. Still. What are you going to do though? She isn't going to come in and save you when she's the only one that can help. You learn to deal with it like every single one of us has dealt with a break up. Don't think you are the only person in the history of this world that has felt the pain you have. You aren't and we all get through it somehow without them. It's time for you to do the same. No games. No trying to make her jealous. This is about you and how you will grow and become a better person from this experience.

[Shy Guy]

I agree, I should stop refering to her as "the love of my life". I keep telling myself that she was the best thing that ever happened to me, but ultimately, her leaving was the best thing FOR me because it has driven me to become a better person. My only regret was that I didn't make an effort to do the things I'm doing now beforehand, but I guess great losses result in great gains. Seeing as how she was my first serious relationship, I guess I was just too inexperienced to understand what it takes to keep a long term relationship alive. I've definately learned alot from this though, and you are right cmacattack; my understanding of love and passion is greater than it ever was. Everyone has to go through heartbreak at one point or another, it's what you do after and how you deal with it that makes who you really are.

[reapish]

I agree, I should stop refering to her as "the love of my life". I keep telling myself that she was the best thing that ever happened to me, but ultimately, her leaving was the best thing FOR me because it has driven me to become a better person. My only regret was that I didn't make an effort to do the things I'm doing now beforehand, but I guess great losses result in great gains. Seeing as how she was my first serious relationship, I guess I was just too inexperienced to understand what it takes to keep a long term relationship alive. I've definately learned alot from this though, and you are right cmacattack; my understanding of love and passion is greater than it ever was. Everyone has to go through heartbreak at one point or another, it's what you do after and how you deal with it that makes who you really are.

brother, i'm going through the exact thing you're going through right now. and your post definately helped me a lot so thanks for that. and you're totally right. great losses result in great gains. appreciate it brother, even though you didn't mean to help me out! lol

[Trickee]

Wow, in a way you sound a lot like my ex. Except when he broke up with me I was the one going off dating other people. I never did anything sexual though, he was my first love and the guy i did my first everything with. I was so devastated i had a rebound guy for a few months. And it's been 5 years but feelings for him has just recently surfaced after i found out he started dating again, he hasn't dated since me and him broke up 5 years ago. Anyway, your ex apparently seems like she doesn't know what she wants. I would stop all communication with her because that's how i'm dealing with this pain for my ex. I know it'll be tough at first but trust me, things will get better. Don't show her that you would still do anything for her back because that's what she wants. She wants to feel wanted and needed and she's so young she does not know what she's doing. Just let her date other guys and break their hearts and do whatever. As for you, just go out and talk to new people. hang out with friends and eventually she will fade out of your mind.

[NBT]

*READ THIS CAREFULLY*

She is not "rebounding" right now. She is being a typical 19 year old.

Did she feel like she loved you? I'd say yes.

However, that DOESN'T mean she was ready to be committed, and settle DOWN at this stage in her life.

Again, she is 19. She's not 25, 29, or 34. She's 19. One year after 18. (I'm hammering this point home for a reason)

This is the age where women want to explore, "see what else is out there", and ENJOY themselves (yes, sexually).

No commitment, no expectations, no feeling guilty about having sexual desires OR ACTING on them.

Just going out, having fun, being with friends, meeting guys, drinking, having sex, etc. Nothing too serious.

Unfortunately, she may FALL for one of these "casual" guys (who IS a douchebag) which will suck even MORE for her (as WELL as you, since you still love her)

Now, NONE of this is to say that I agree with Shark here...

Have secks with other girls. TRUST ME, this is the BEST cure.

No, it isn't. Sex with other girls is merely a temporary fix. It's not a long term solution. Time is.

I WOULD, however, recommend trying to DATE other girls and get to KNOW them. Something with more substance to it than just random sex.

[Mr Thinkalot]

yeah..why is tt guys always get blamed when gals are such jerks at times..y cant they just be faithful at times..

[Cosmo]

Move forward and up, its all you can do. Don't just go bang other chicks, wait a few weeks. I'm waiting like a year, mostly because at this point drunk women absolutely disgust me. Have some dignity and self-respect holy christ.

You know the saying, you have to slay a lot of dragons to find a princess? Its more like Super Mario.

You beat a whole bunch of bowsers and just when you think you've found your princess, boom its a trap and its another bowser.

ALSO LOL that its ok for girls to have fun at 19 but make sure that you don't go bang chicks man. Sit in your depression.

The older I get the more I learn. Women don't want love until their late 20's so just rail. Rail as many girls as you can you need to 'explore' and 'have fun'. Don't settle down, women get bored with a man who settles down. They want a guy constantly hitting on other chicks, then they work for YOU.


In response to MR. Thinkalot:
Look through this forum, I'd say ~70% of the 'broken heart' posts are from men. We jump in both feet and give our complete hearts to our women. But the women are still playing a game. We are naiive, we think women want a steady relationship but they want to 'have fun' until they hit ~25 when they grow out of party mode. Its the guys who do cheat and make their girls work for their attention that DONT get heartbroken and its ALWAYS the guys fault.

[Acacia]

learn to forgive ..

[Cloud206]

Just let her go and next time take some protection measures.