Mixture Between "No Closure" and "Inability to Let Go"

[driveforhonor]

I'm a 22 year old male who just graduated from college and I'm struggling moreso with a recent break-up then trying to figure out what I'm going to do in my life after college. As I'm sure is usual, I'll give some background.

I didn't start dating until the end of my freshman year of college. I started dating this girl, "Jamie", who I hit it off with. The only problem was that she was a little too mature for me. I had all these expectations of what a girlfriend was "supposed to do" for a boyfriend and she just wasn't those kind of girls. This was certainly my biggest relationship for learning that some people just don't click. It's not wrong of me to want to kiss and have physical relations, but when someone doesn't want to do it, you're just not meant to be. About a year later, I began to date "Sarah". Sarah was more where I wanted to be from a physical standpoint. She wanted to take it slow, which I was fine with. We dated for about four months and then we had sex (my first, not hers). Things were rocky during the four months. She was everything I wanted physically, but we had some tough times clicking emotionally. She didn't like to be alone, so I was over at her apartment every single night because I thought thats what good boyfriends did. We got under each others skins a lot an, like I said we didn't click like a boyfriend and a girlfriend should really click. She had a couple of guys that also hit on her often and I just didn't get it. Maybe I was too immature to handle that as well. One of the guys was just joking around all the time, but the other one really wanted her back and I had a hard time when they would hang out just the two of them.

And now we get to the present day, or at least the relevant relationship that I'm struggling with. This girls name is "Katie" and she was just everything and more from the second that we started talking to one another. She was where I wanted to be physically, emotionally, everything. We talked for hours and hours and hours about anything that came to our mind. She saw each other all the time and being away from each other for more then a couple of hours envoked feelings of missing her (and she said it was the same for her). We dated all summer of 2009 and then we went back to college. I was going into my senior year and she was going into her sophmore year. We went to school three hours away, which I knew was going to be hard. The fall semester started a little rocky because I was used to talking all the time and some nights she wanted to go to bed just as I was getting out of class or coming back from dinner. We got through Noveember though and thinks were really well with us. Then we hit a bit of a roadblock. She, similar to "Srah" also had a boy friend that I didn't like.

Now, given my experience with "Sarah", I knew I had to handle the situation a little more mature then I did before. This guy has values and morals that didn't fit with what "Katie" and I had. She smolked pot and would call "Katie" on the weekends that I would go to visit her at college. He would call three, four, five times in a night and it just got annoying. "Katie" would go from being friends with him one week, to then feeling a little "strange" about him the next. It was the oddest thing to have to deal with. One week my girlfriend is telling me he's a little strange and weird to be around and the next week they're best friends. I voiced my displeasure, but didn't want it to go any further then that given the "Srah" scenerio and how all of that when down. One night in December "Katie" goes out for a night and this guy I don't like, "Bob" takes her out to his friends apartment. I don't know these guys, but know they are friends with "Bob". I voice a displeasure and "Katie" and I get into a huge fight. I didnt' think it was going to get so big, but it did. She thought I had a jealousy issue, whereas I just thought I was lookingout for her because I thought she was putting herself in a weird situation. In the end, I decided I was overstepping my bounds a little bit and needed to trust her. We were rocky for a month, but worked things out.

Now things get weird. We went from near break-up back to a super honeymoon stage of the relationship. It was like falling massivly in love all over again, except that we never feel out of love in the first place. Things are back to being perfect all through January, February, March. I got the hang of the long-distance thign (she had done it before) and the spring semester was moving really well. We hadn't had a fight since the big one in December and she had actually expressed an interest, on many occassions, to me moving up to Hwhere she was going to be at and live close to her, assuming that would be the best thing for my job hunt. I started looking and actually found something that looked somewwhat promising.

things are going well and then one day - it just ended. Caught me out of left field. No fights, no anything. I happened to casually ask her how much she missed me one weekend when I didn't come up. It was the first weekend that we didn't see one another. This wasn't a weird question, we ask it all the time for self-esteem boosts or whatnot. She said skipping a weekend wasn't too hard for her. I asked her if we needed to talk about anything and if everything was okay and she broke up with me. She said I was needing to focus on me and she needed to focus on her and that it was a case of "bad timing". What hurt the most is that a week earlier, she told me that I was the guy and that she loved me "unconditionally" and would be there thick and thin. It was the most powerful night of my life and then a week later this happened and I was left a little... lost. Very confused.

This all happened online so I ended up meeting with her a couple days later in person and it was the weirdest thing it was like talking to a different person. She was... cold... calculated... like she didn't really care what happened. She said she made the decision on a whim and didn't realize it was going to happen and that it just fet like "the right thing to do" for her. She said this was simply a case of the right guy at the wrong time, which was the worst thing she could have said.

I don't quit at anything I do and if I meet the right person, i will do everything it takes to be with that person. I asked "Katie" to try for me. I asked her to give the relationship a month and give it a chance, see what happens. She didn't want to try. Like I said, very cold and very un "Katie" like. We ended things that night and it's been rough since as well. Two weeks after the break-up I was a mess. I contacted her as much as I could to ask for her back, begged, pleaded, even tried to guilt trip safly enough. I played the jealousy card with girl friends, another thing I'm not rpdud of. Nothing worked and eventually I just kind of stopped talking to her. I feel like I never got closure. She told me so many times that I didnt do anything wrong, that I didnt say anything wrong. That there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. All the meanwhile telling me that it just didn't "feel" right anymore. I can't make the correlation between bbeing the right guy, but having it not feel right to the point where she couldn't give it another month to see what happened. And, again, what about one week before? How did we go from unconditional love to a break-up overnight. The night before she told me to call her when I was done with a fantasy baseball draft and she talked to me all the way home. Told me how much she loved me and missed me. And then... the next day... she was gone.

"Katie" would like to be friends with me. She wants to chat on AIM and have a phone call every once in a while because she doesn't want to lose me from her life. However, two months into this break-up... I can't get her out of my head. I can't stop thinking about her and that's all I want to do. I have had good moments, great moments, but at the end of the day I think about her more than anything else. I don't know how she's doing and what she's up to.

Last Thursday she AIM'ed me and asked if we would ever be friends again. I said I didn't know and sort of got meaner as the conversation went on. I told her it wasn't fair of her to drop me overnight and then turn around two months later and expect me to be friends with her. What's worse is that she takes this "Well, I'm the one trying to be friends with you and you don't want it so I'm the bigger person"route, which bugs me and frustrates me a little. It's how she's getting by with everything, I think. She focuses on what happened after we broke up and not realize that she broke up with me and broke my heart.

I'm attached to her family and love them like they are minie. She told me that "home" doesn't feel like home anymore because I hang out with her Mom and brother, which made me feel awful. I have distanced myself from her family now that she has said that, but she turns right back around and talks to friends of mine... which also upsets me. Overall, I dated this girl for 10 months, talking for about a year. I feel in love would have given her the world - and for the entire relaitonship I think she would have donethe same for me. But in the blink of an eye - everything changed - including the person that I knew and loved. I don't know what happened and in that story I have not found closure, peace, and I can't let go.

Anything that anyone has to say is welcome. Thank you all for your time.

Warm Regards,

driveforhonor

[Shy Guy]

"She said I was needing to focus on me and she needed to focus on her and that it was a case of 'bad timing'. "

Those were the exact words said to me at one point by my ex (Ashley). Like you, I also spent a good two weeks trying everything to get her back, but she clearly had her mind made up. These breakups are, in my opinion, are the worst because they are the hardest to get over. The element of hope that things could turn around lingers and really eats away at you. At least in bad breakups you can see the reasons clearly, and justify them so that the closure is much easier to accept. How someone can just flip instantly, for no apparent reason, is something I'll never understand. Women are very unpredictable is all I can say. Your situation and mine prove that nothing is as good as it seems.

[Cosmo]

Been in the same boat. I think its the cowards way of saying "I see my friends out partying living the single life and I want to as well."


I know it feels like there's always hope, but there are SO many girls out there and there's no point in trying to make something like this work.

I know too well how this feels, timing... it is a motherforker. I'm thinking you feel similar to how I do, like you lost your soul-mate because of poor timing and where you are at in your lives? And if circumstances were different you'd be together forever? Nope, if she was your soul mate things would have worked out. Yes, relationships take work. But not this much. A good relationship should be like a garden. It's rewarding and the 'hard work' is enjoyable.


Also, I don't know if you want to hear this... But I'm seeing red flags all over the place that say she's either cheating, or having feelings for someone else and wanting to cheat.


...In terms of her making you feel bad. It's what people do man, its how they deal.
My fiancee was cheating on me. 2 weeks after we break up she's living with the guy. She calls ME and gets extremely hostile because everyone (including her family and friends) is judging her. She's turning to me for support and basically saying it's all my fault. You want to know the response - No contact means no contact *click*.
It takes at LEAST a year before ex's can become friends, sometimes longer but mostly never. I typically try to never speak to an ex again, its tough, especially when you were best friends but you have to move on with your life. You can't do that with your past constantly distracting you.

[Abashed Becca]

Okay. Looks to me like she may have fallen for someone else since you two are not close. Not because you don't have a spark or love...but because as she said it was at the wrong time. My understanding is she wants to live her life and then maybe you guys can work on it later....but I still think there is someone in the picture...

Being her friend...ahhh. That may hurt you more than help. On one hand you can hang with someone that is special. But on the other hand your used to the affection. The encouragement. Not getting it may make you resent her in the end....friendship is also giving her the chance to get what she wants emotional-wise out of the communication, She knows you still care or love her so she may get that for nothing from you.

Recommend: You give her the peace in knowing that you are not ready to quite be JUST A FRIEND....it may take time but when your ready you will let her know....let her know you care and would not do anything to hurt her feelings but you come first and your feelings are of your concern...ask her to be patient.

Believe it or not YOUR POST FLIPPING MADE ME UNDERSTAND SOMETHING....Thanks and I hope I ansered your ? well...but weigh the good and bad and ask yourself...Do you want a possibility in the future. If you leave someone with a good feeling...it is better for both of you...But if you befriend to much to soon I think you may or she may resent it or each other.

[driveforhonor]

Thanks everyone!

She doesn't seem like the kind to cheat and I really don't think that's whats going on based on the communication I have had with mutual friends and her family since the break-up. She is a very confused individual and the hardest thing to accept right now is that she doesn't even seem like the same person anymore. I just miss her - wish we would be together. I know there are a lot women out there and I'm sure once someone else sweeps me off my feet I'll be fine and fall again. Here is the thing though - in all my other relationships I was content with the break-up before moving into the next one. Should I sit around and wait, knowing that it's going to take longer?

[cmacattack1]

Best you can do is just let her be. She wants this decision? She is going to have to live with the consequences. Maybe it's cold and very unlike you, but it's what has to be done. She did the same to you when she dumped you.

Keeping you as friends. While she may be prepared for the break up, you aren't. It caught you completely by surprise. You need to be on your own to get her out of your head, to get to the point where you could be friends with her without being so much more. You have to let her know you need your space and that continuing to talk to you and keep you in her life is not good for you. I know you rather have her as a friend then nothing at all but you really have to do this for you to get your mind right until you can entertain the idea. Usually it takes seeing somebody else. But now is not a good time for that.

You can't talk to her. Don't look at her facebook either, when you see her with somebody else it's going to hurt. Don't keep tabs on her. This is sadly the only thing that you can do in your own best interest. Focus on yourself, schoolwork, working out at the gym, sports, hobbies, anything that makes you happy that doesn't involve her. Once you do that and find happiness on your own, your current need for her is really going to fade, your confidence will be up, and you will attract somebody else.

And she's right, alot of relationships do fail not because the love isn't there, but because it is bad timing. You guys are at different points in your life and are going in seperate directions. No girlfriend is a guarentee in life, but what you do with your life is in your own hands. So focus on that, and do your best to try new things and meet new people. There are plenty of "ones" out there even if you want Katie to be your "one" right now. You will find somebody else but not with her still interfering. You don't have to be mean to her but you have to let her know that her being in your life right now is not helping. The power of saying no and not needing somebody makes them want you all the more strangely.

[exprezo]

I am a gal and my situation is just like urs - no closure...that is why so damn freaking HARD to move on...my BF and I had such honeymoon period for only a short while then he went to chicago for a seminar and came back ...EVERYTHING upside down....things started to change n feel different...we then went thru a cool off period and he initiated that we got back together n WE WILL MAKE THIS WORK - per him. Per him he WILL LEARN TO SHARE THE TIME with me.

He even told me few hours before he spoke about breakup last sunday..." i love u unconditionally!!"

few hrs later he said "i dont think i can make this work. im a horrible bf i don make time. Bye I need to leave now" WTF
Have some respect for me please! He didnt even wana to finish the breakup and just wanna walk out my home, leaving me heart broken, crying like an orphan!

I feel the same as u...i lost my soul mate coz I have been saying in this forum that I have never feel so connected to a guy like him. Just amazing...i / we were so damn happy together...now he took away my happiness.

I am still......cannot get over this coz it has NO reason to break...and shamely to tell u...yes i still try to win him back......my heart is in pain now