Need help analyzing my situation

[lost2002]

I have been in a relationship with a great woman for the past 9 months... Everything has been incredible on every level with us. We get along perfectly. Never fight, always have fun together... She is the most amazing person to ever walk into my life.

Well here is the problem. She just decided to break up with me on friday night... Now after 9 months she questioned if she was ready to be in a relationship, she thought she was because I am one of the most amazing people to have ever been in her life too(she tells me this). She had gotten out of a 5 year marriage before we met, so it was awful timing, and this is whats causing the relationship drama.

At every significant part of our relationship over the past 9 months, she would freak out a little, but we have gotten through it before. EX: When we first started going out I wanted to be her boyfriend, vise versa she my girlfriend. exclusivity. She freaked out a little, didn't know if she could do it so I backed off. I said lets just continue to date and see where it goes. So a month and a half goes by, and she one day sits next to me at my house and out of the blue she asks if I will be her boyfriend. She made the first step, I left it in her hands and we were now exclusive although we still were not seeing anyone else.
Then everything was fine again for about 3 more months until we went to my best friends wedding. I was in the wedding, she was a guest sitting with my family whom she all knows at this point. That night we had almost broke up, she was really freaked out. i think some friends of mine might have just joked around asking her when we were getting married. But then again, we made through this drama too.

So then about last month, we are lying in bed, and she turns to me and tells me and she finally tells me she loves me....... I was ecstatic because I have been waiting for this step. I told her I love her too. I said that I wasn't going to be the first one to say it, although I wanted too with every fiber of my being. So the past month has been even more amazing than ever before.
And then there was this past friday night. We go out to dinner. We come home, we are getting ready for bed playing a game of scrabble on her iphone, and then out of the blue she says she doesn't think she can be in a relationship right now anymore, because she cant give me 100% of herself right now. That she needs to find herself and she doesnt think shec an do this while being in a relationship. She says she doesnt want to date anyone else, even thinking about it, and that there is nobody else... But she just cant do it right now for some reason.

Some more backstory, she is 4 years older than me. 30, and I am 26, but it doesn't matter. Its about the people involved, not the age difference. She is also Indian and I am of Italian-American heritage.

Anyways, we talked all night. I had to go to work the next morning early, so I leave her at my place to sleep. I get off at around 230pm, go home and still see that all the stuff she has had over my house these past months is still there.. Some Jewerly and dresses, and a pair of dress shoes. So I was confident this was going to blow over too. I was afraid that stuff was going to be gone when i got home. So I go to sleep around 4pm to get some rest, and then i wake up to a text from her saying "------...I do think that I want to break up...I'm sorry."

So I called her and tell her to please give me a call back, i just woke up. She calls me, and we talk for about 15 minutes. Same stuff, she thinks she needs to be alone for a while to find herself and If we stayed together to keep going at this, she would be doing it for me because she loves me, but it wouldn't be fair for her since she cant feel attached right now for some reason and she needs to find out why. This coming from someone who tells me she loves me, and really misses me if we dont see each other for two days.

The past 3 weeks have been incredible, and I thought all the drama was finally over when she told me she loves me. I thought she was just having mixed emotions before telling me this, because she found me so fast and it was hard for her to admit it.

Another thing I think that happened reciently to stir some emotions up, her Ex (who she has zero love for anymore, hes an abusive jerk) finally left our city for good, moving all the way to the east coast from the west coast where we are. I thought this was going to be great, finally hes gone and we can be with each other, no more drama from him. I was counting down the days. He left last Tuesday for good.

We have worked through drama bore, and I realize I do need to give her her space. I just really don't want to lose her. I love her so much. We haven't been in contact since Saturday afternoon. I won't call her, she needs to call me. And i know we will have to see each other at some point, she has stuff at my place and a key to my place. She could have just taken the stuff when she left Saturday morning when I was at work very easily, its not an incredible amount, just a few little things. I think if it was completely over she would have taken the stuff and left the key.

I told her I can't just be friends when we last talked, I wont do it. I didn't say this in a mean way, I just said It would suck for me, and that she cant have her cake and eat it too although it will destroy me(and it is) not being able to talk to her, hear her voice, laugh, etc... I can't be around her and not do everything we have done for the past 9 months together and it would kill me to know if she was going out on dates. I wouldn't be able to stand pat on that it would eat me away. I told her she has to have All of me or none of me. This is the only way I can see us getting back together, that if I am removed from her life she will realize what she misses about me and want to get back together. This is someone who told me last week its hard for her to sleep at night if I am not there with her in bed, and that she loves having my arms around her when we sleep, etc. Loves waking up in my arms. She has told me that I am the most amazing person, and that I treat her the best out of anyone shes ever gone out with. Just a few weeks ago she just asked when did I first know I wanted to be with her, so i told her and she replied back with about how all the little things I have done over our relationship and continue to do... is what did it for her to want to be with me. SO if all these things are removed, I hope see realizes what she will lose in me. I told her they don't make any more of "me" and that I can't just sit around waiting. I don't want to move on, but I will if this doesn't blow over.

I just needed to get this all off my chest, and just hope some of you can analyze the situation too with what you think about what I am going through. It just sucks knowing that two people love each other so much and care for the other person so much and both our happiness is being sacrificed.

[xxazurexx]

She isn't sure if you are the right one for her or not......simples as that.

If she loved you, as much as you think she does....uhm, why the split?

[VincenzoG91]

It always surprises me to read about these breakup threads where the guy says that everything was going perfectly and then suddenly they broke up. It doesn't sound like everything was perfect from her standpoint. After her divorce, she has probably been second-guessing herself a lot, which is why she has shown such uncertainty at each new stage in your relationship. From what you described, I think that she does love you, but with the recent departure of her ex, she may be thinking back to when she loved him. And questioning how she could have been so wrong about him, and whether she might be wrong about you.

Another problem is the lack of arguments. Sure, arguments are negative, in that they involve conflict and confrontation. But if a couple isn't arguing at all, it's because somebody is avoiding conflict and suppressing their needs. Since you seem surprised about the break, it seems like she is the one who has been avoiding conflict. And now she has reached a point where she can no longer reconcile the happiness in your relationship with whatever problem she is secretly worried about. If you think back, you will probably see the pattern, that she avoids conflict and runs away from confrontations. Maybe it has to do with her abusive ex, or maybe she has always been like that. At any rate, there is at least one serious problem, and she won't tell you about it. Now she is going to go off and try to figure out if the problem is too much for your relationship to handle, and going by her usual instincts, the answer will be yes. You may never learn what the issue was.

I'm sorry if that last paragraph was vague. I will give you an example of what I mean, but don't take this as a good guess as to what is going on. Let's say that maybe you have mentioned in the past that you want to have kids some day. (I'm part Italian, too, so I know that family tends to be important to Italian-Americans.) Maybe she said nothing, but was thinking to herself that she didn't want to have kids. She didn't want to get into an argument with you about kids, so maybe she was hoping that you would change your mind later, or maybe she would change her mind. But more recently, she realized that she definitely doesn't want to have kids, and because she never really talked it out with you, she can only assume that you really want kids and that would be a deal-breaker for you. So now she is off trying to decide if she might want to have kids anyway, or be able to talk you out of kids.

But like I said, the issue could be something else entirely. Maybe you both talked about kids and want to have several together, and instead the issue is something unrelated. I don't know. But she knows, and she hasn't told you, because she wanted to avoid conflict. And now she's totally avoiding conflict.

[xxazurexx]

^^Exactly.

People DON'T just break up and if things are all hunky dory and perfect. Things couldn't have been 'that' perfect, least not from where she was sitting anyway or else she would still be in this relationship and happily so.

For me, this stuff is black and white. I either want to be with someone, or I don't.

And the only time I've called it quits in a relationship, is when I'm not happy in that relationship anymore and I'm not feeling it for that guy anymore or when I'm totally done with it.

I've never ended anything or wanted this time alone to find myself, in something I've been happy and contented.

Relationships end all the time. After a week, a month, a year....even after 10 and 20 years.

I think that when you start hearing all the excuses;

'I need to find myself' blah blah, it's just a kinder way of saying, 'I don't want to be with you anymore'.

[IndiReloaded]

6 months - 2/3 years is about the time ppl throw in the towel. Longer for LDRs, but only b/c it takes longer for the critical issues to come to a head. The other critical time is when dating couples move to living together.

This isn't unusual. Sorry she doesn't think its working out, but you'll be glad you found out now instead of another year into it.

[sunnybunny8212]

i think that you both can be together no problem, shes just having a tough time in her head.
i say stick by her. of course it cant go on forever, and she has to know what she wants, but i think she really does love you and you should give her a little breathing space.
i think that she may be "afraid" of getting serious after a marriage.... thats just an idea i hope that helps :/

<3

[lost2002]

She has been honest with me throughout our relationship, very blunt about her feelings. We have no arguments, we talk about everything. If something bothers us, we talk to each other and thats it... Her issue is that for some reason she cant feel attached to me right now. So I think if I give her breathing room, some time apart we might reunite. Who knows. She has issues with being sentimental too though. I think this stems from her mom passing away when she was only 12... She is very strong willed but has been through a lot. She also has a very stressful occupation in the medical field and had just got off working on no sleep for over 30 hours that afternoon so there was even more stress on top of it. Shes also taking a final test early next month too, something like 8 hour test each day, 16 hours total to take it so she has been studying a lot. so there was more stress on top of everything else.

This was so surprising for many reasons. I am not blind, I notice a lot and over think stuff a lot even if it is nothing. All the facts are on the table from recent history with us. She was excited to take me to a graduation black tie gala next month she just rsvp-ed us for her work, and we have been talking about buying me a new tie, etc, she kept talking about it every week leading up and was ecstatic that i was finally able to swing getting off work early to actually go. She would talk to me about planning on going a trip somewhere the fall just the two of us. She was recently telling me about some stuff she might want to do for my birthday next year. She was always going the extra step to to make a great impression on my parents, woudl always want to look perfect to see them even if it was a lazy weekend day. She would tell me that she always thinks she sounds like a dork in front of them, and hope she doesn't embarrass herself because she wants them to like her. They love her, it's impossible not to. So i find it hard to believe with all these facts that she doesn't have long term in her mind with me, I know this, i know the person too well. I just gotta believe but I still cant just sit waiting because you just never know. She just has to figure out whats going wrong with herself right now, and I guess that's all i can say and she has to obviously deal with it alone. There is so much stress on her, I would explode... I don't know how she does it. I never want to see her get hurt or would ever hurt her. It just sucks.

[xxazurexx]

I don't want to burst your bubble, but it isn't all what it seems sometimes.

As an example: I and my ex H were sat one night, planning on where we were going for the summer. We had the deposits all saved, ready to send off...it was a case of choosing the destination - we chose it and were both really looking forward to it. I can remember him looking into my eyes that same night, telling me that he loved me...
Well what do ya know.....next day he said he was leaving me. Wouldn't say why he was going, said he just needed time alone. Upon questioning him further he then decided to come clean with me. He'd been having an affair for 3 months and he was leaving me to be with her....

Your relationship was and is not unique. Some of us have been in relationships/even marriages where everthing appeared just hunky dory and things were going great - only to be hit shortly after (or next day in my case), by a bolt out of the blue.....

It doesn't matter what you two planned, what she said, what she did, what she promised.....for whatever reason, she doesn't want it now!

She's opted out.

You need to give her space....and loads of it!

[tjh001]

Give her time

[IndiReloaded]

Well what do ya know.....next day he said he was leaving me. Wouldn't say why he was going, said he just needed time alone. Upon questioning him further he then decided to come clean with me. He'd been having an affair for 3 months and he was leaving me to be with her....

I didnt want to mention this, but since Azure brought it up anyway.... reading your first post, it did sound to me like maybe she's met someone else. The whole 'back and forth' thing is often a sign of this. Guys think the "I love you"s mean everything is okay. What it often means is she is testing whether she feels it when she says it. In your case, I'd say the answer is no. Sorry.

Oh, and as Azure says, some guys do this as well. It seems to really depend on the personalities of the partners.

[xxazurexx]

^^I think that when people will just decide to check out of relationship and a relationship in which there appeared to be nothing wrong, you can usually and always bet your bottom dollar, there is another person waiting in the wings. We are 'always' the last to know and when there is someone else. It isn't something they tell us and they avoid revealing it to us because they can't and don't want to deal with the drama that follows.

If I hadn't have questioned my ex, I'd have thought he'd gone simply for some space. I knew he was lying, that is why I pushed and pushed and until I got the truth behind why he was going.

I could be wrong, but I'm thinking there is someone else in this situation also. But she won't choose to go public with him yet of course. She will bide her time....but he will eventually be revealed and the true reason for the break will out itself.

[Kaius]

You guys don't seem to be on the same page. 8 months into the relationship and one of you says "I love you" for the 1st time?
And she freaks out when there is commitment ideas floating around? She's definitely not ready for a real relationship, but
she has been hanging around for 9 months with you. How is this even possible?

My woman and I have been together exactly 7 months. We ended our respective long messy divorces recently.
We have had fights during the 7 months, mainly because I was acting crazy. But at this age (35 & 38), we feel
that once you pass the 6-months marker, you need to decide if you want to continue or stop. Why waste time
on people who will not be in your future?

[lost2002]

Well she called me. Coming to get her stuff tomorrow. Needs to figure out herself, why she can be with me for 9 months, love and care for me, but still have attachment issues.

I'll give her her space and hope for the best. But I am moving on. I have done enough in this relationship, and treated her like she always should have been treated because she is wonderful.

[VincenzoG91]

I think that you're handling this wisely. And I doubt that you did anything wrong. You should be able to move on with a clean conscience.

[lost2002]

I can move on with a clean conscience, because I was a gentleman in every aspect of our relationship and I always am with my significant others. When she had to get up every morning at 5am to go to work, I would walk her downstairs and to her car and give her a kiss/ hug goodbye. I live on a busy street, sometimes her car was parked a block away or more. The only time I didn't walk her, was when i seriously sprained my ankle and was recovering and I only missed walking her to her car only once. And tomorrow when she gets her stuff, I will walk her to her car and kiss and hug her goodbye for now or maybe forever. Whichever it may be.

I was nothing but loving to her, as much as possible and I really hope she doesn't get hurt in the future. I do hope she eventually gets back with me, but I gotta move on. She will find another I'm sure, she is extremely smart and beautiful.