Sticking up for my girlfriend, am I a wuss?

[Uaru]

Hi.

I am 29 old frm Norway and a student of Marine Biology. I am in a relationship with a girl from the UK and have been so for nearly three years. Our relationship went through a serious war last summer where she broke up and dated another guy for a while. Because of special sircumstances we got back together again. Things went alright for a while, but lately we have noticed that we have some problems that keep popping up.

Last night, I was over at new flat when her neighbour downstairs played music that could be heared easily up through the floor. I didn't mind much myself, but my girlfriend was enoied and was stressing about getting enough sleep for a busy next day. The music kept playing until after midnight. In her contract it sais that it should be quiet after 23:00.

My girlfriend that asked me to go down and ask her neighbour to turn down the sound, where I said no, and claimed it was not my problem. I do feel bad about how I talked to her because I didn't show enough sympathy for her in her situation, but I still feel that it wasn't my job to go down and tell her neighbour to turn down the volume.

Today she have said to me that I have to go and think about this. She say that she expect the man in a relationship to stick up for her, but that this does not make her sexist.

A part of me whish I had the currage to do it for her, but I am not good with confrontations. I would not have complained myself, but I guess she think I should think that if it is a problem for her it is also a problem for me.

What do you think? Should I have been the one to go down? Am I not man enough?

[dewilliams2]

Yea I would have...I mean not to be overtly sexist but I am sort of old fashioned and while I believe a woman can take care of themselves that doesn't mean they have to.

As a man you should have done that for her....there are certain things that while a woman can do, men are expected to if they are there...confronting a neighbor for them is one of those things.

[irrelevant_89]

Agreed... it's part of human nature to play the "knight in shining armor" and go defend the one you love, even if it's in small things like this. Just don't overdo it

[Neogenesis]

I disagree here. She might have been annoyed, but she did not get "attacked". If someone talked shit to her, you should be the one to "jam an axe through their brains". But with pure comfort preferances, she should be understanding enough to understand you have issues with this.

[lahnnabell]

It's her flat, so it's her issue. Would it have been a nice, gentlemanly thing for you to do for her? Sure. However, her living situation is hers to deal with. It's similar to a professional relationship. You need to fight your own battles. I would never expect my boyfriend to take care of my responsibilities just because he's my boyfriend. You could have offered to go with her to handle the issue. But she shouldn't just expect that because you're around that you should get shouldered with her dirty work.

Now let's say I'm out at a bar and some dude is bothering me. I would most definitely expect my boyfriend to step up to the plate if it turned into a situation I could no longer handle on my own. She's a big girl and you're not her daddy. This is another reason why women never used to leave their home until they were married. They would just get passed off to another man who could do all the confrontational dirty work for her like her daddy used to.

But for the record, there is a way to be confrontational without being a jerk. I'm sure the both of you could have easily gone downstairs, knocked on the door, and asked them to lower the music. She had a legitimate reason with her busy schedule the following day, AND it's a stipulation in the lease. If they'd given her shit over it, that's when she documents the incident and takes it up with her landlord or property manager or whatever. Big girl stuff.

[oneandonly]

I don't think this is anything about a big girl or little girl stuff. She is not certainly tryinging to shift her 'dirty' work to anyone else. It's not hardly a 'dirty' work. I am the most independent woman yet I would certainly expect my bf to step up in a situation like this. I wouldn't want to go downstairs around midnight.

Some women interpret this as how caring her bf is or not.

[vashti]

I agree with lahnnabell. This is HER apartment, and ultimately, she is going to have to learn to deal with the people who live in her building, and negotiate acceptable boundaries. There isn't any reason at all that she couldn't have gone down herself, although yes, it would have been nice if you had offered to go with her.

I don't think my motivation to sleep at her house would be very high if I were you. She is going to have a whole list of dirty work she saves up for you.

[Neo(n)]

Your girlfriend shouldn't expect you to fight all of her battles and she shouldn't complain to you that you shoul fight all her battles either. Sure it's in a guys nature to stand up for his girl, but it should be your choice to stand up for her not her choice that you should stand up for her. If she expects you to fight all her battles she is losing her independence and, in the worst of cases, could leads to her not being able to make her own descisions and having to rely too much on you, which turns your relationship into an unhealthy one.