I feel really lost...

[Polymath]

I'm going to write this without trying to understand things from her perspective. I'm going to write this as a way to vent my frustrations. I'm not going to exercise any kind of perspective; I just need to get these things off my chest.

I love my partner. I think she is sexy and attractive. I find her to be hot. We have a gorgeous son together. She is overweight, but that doesn't change the way I see her. I still think she is absolutely gorgeous.

We haven't had great, or even good, sex for a long time. Months upon months. The last two or three times we have had sex, she has lost interest during it and literally said, "This is horrible". She told me that a dick inside her doesn't feel good at all, that she doesn't think there are any nerve endings in there.

But she masturbates frequently and enjoys it. She'll even insert her fingers inside herself and says it feels good. But then, why do her fingers feel good and not my penis?

We've talked numerous times about it and a resolution is not forthcoming. In fact, she gets angry or frustrated when the subject comes up.

I've admitted to her that sex is probably mechanical at this point in our lives because we are stressed and tired. It's no fun to just say, "You wanna have sex?" and then go at it. There's no time for foreplay or cuddling. There doesn't seem to be any desire on her part for any of that any way.

When I raise the concepts of "intimacy" and "love-making", she seems to get uncomfortable. She says she "doesn't get" love-making. I think romance makes her uncomfortable. But then, why does she say she loves reading romance novels and the escape they provide her? She says her life is boring and reading books gives her an escape into the lives of exciting characters.

We've talked about the fact she feels cheated by sex. She's never experienced an orgasm during sex. She's very negative about sex, and even sex we've had in the past which seemed passionate and amazing, she doesn't seem to remember. She only remembers the bad sex and disappointment. As such, she just doesn't see the point in bothering any more.

I remember her saying she disliked oral sex, she didn't like receiving it and WOULDN'T go down on me. She said she had a problem with it stemming from a past relationship. But we got through that. I remember the first time she allowed me to go down on her and she enjoyed it, she loved it in fact. For a while she wanted it every time we had sex. And she has given me head in the past, and I've been in absolute heaven because it's great, and she's said it's made her feel good about herself that I enjoy it.

But now she says that oral sex doesn't feel good. She's basically said there is no sexual contact that feels good because she can't have an orgasm. She can only orgasm through masturbation.

She's explained she'd like to kiss. Not just mechanical kissing but passionately. But then, when I try to kiss her she doesn't respond. I don't do it at awkward times either, I wait for the right time. If we're stressed or tired, I won't initiate anything.

But if I don't initiate sex, it doesn't happen. I don't want to initiate it every time. And be rejected every time.

I love my partner. I want to be with her physically. We've both admitted in the past that the longer we go without sex, the more stressed, agitated, and irritated we get with each other.

But that's no reason to have sex, just because we'll become short with each other without it. I want her to want me. I'm not gross. I get attention from females in my workplace and at university, but I don't receive the same kind of attention from my partner. I only want to receive attention from her.

I've done a lot of reading online about how females associate sex and passion and love. I've told her that a massage doesn't have to lead to sex, I just want her to feel good. Kissing and touching doesn't need to lead to sex. She's always felt like it did, but I've made a real effort to reinforce to her that it doesn't. But that doesn't change anything. We don't kiss or touch. When I give her a massage she becomes relaxed and just goes to sleep, which is fine because I just want her to feel good.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what to do to fix things. I feel like I should just not try to initiate sex for a couple of months and see if anything changes. But if I don't do that... if we don't have sex for that long and nothing changes, I'm scared it will have created another "norm" where we don't have sex.

I've even suggested therapy for the both of us to see if that might change things, but I think the thought of that disturbs or angers her, like I'm saying there's a problem with HER. But I suggested we BOTH go as a way to show her that the problem can't just be with her, but must also be with me. No single person is at fault.

I don't know what to do and it's making me very stressed, very upset, and I'm starting to think about leaving her. I don't want to. I love her so much and I love our son with all my heart, but I need to feel wanted. I need to feel loved. It's so hurtful and I feel like a total emotional weakling because it doesn't seem to bother her in the least.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[bah]

I think you need to take the time to romance her but do it without the expectations of sex. Don't do the typical romance stuff like flowers. But sometimes a pinch on the butt or a wink from across the room is enough to rev us up.

She also sounds like she has past problems to deal with.

[Kristan]

I like what the person above said: Buy her flowers, take her out on dates, tell her you love her and kiss her sweetly when she comes home.

When you want to try sex again, try waking up and while she's still asleep, kiss her passionately to wake her up--on her cheeks, neck, etc. and eventually her lips. Don't say a word, just kiss her and scratcher her back or run your fingers through her hair...whatever she likes. Don't just plow into it...give her time to get aroused. Keep going with it based on how she responds. Be creative and unpredictable.

Your angle might be an issue. My guy and I had to find angles before he could get me to have an orgasm. Look online for some positions/angles you haven't tried and just experiment. There are women who simply do not/cannot orgasm during intercourse. If that's the case, find other methods to get her off.

-Kristan

[Polymath]

Thanks for the replies and suggestions. Kristan, if I started kissing her while she was asleep, she's most likely be offended when she awoke. She'd maybe even physically push me away. That's something that's really not on the cards in the least. Creative and unpredictable gets me a nudge away and a "stop it".

I thought I'd put some more thoughts up here, mainly so other people can read what's happening to me and see whether it might be happening to them. I expected more replies, more help (thank you to the two of you who have replied, perhaps this is too deep or heavy for a simple internet forum), and it's not forthcoming so perhaps the best I can do is present my thoughts, as a way to vent, and hope someone might read it and find some kind of resonance in my words.

I look at my partner, my girlfriend, and I see a beautiful, sexy woman. Every thing about her is gorgeous, her eyes, her mouth, her nose, even her eyebrows. Her voice. Her MIND. When you combine it all into this wonderful being, there exists this sexy and attractive woman.

But I'm not allowed this woman. She doesn't respond to my touch, she flinches and withdraws from it. Something that really hurt me was when in the middle of sex she withdrew from me, kind of went limp, and said, "This is horrible". No girl has ever said that to me before, and although I know she was meaning the entire situation and not just the sex itself, I still took it as an indictment.

"You can't please me, you don't make me feel good, I'm not attracted to you, and I don't want to have sex with you." That's what went through my head and continues to do so every time I relive her comment in my mind.

I've asked her, brought this sexlessness up in conversation. It always comes back to the fact she feels she doesn't have time for sex. We have a son, he's been sick, nothing major, but she feels like its her fault if she can't make him better, she has things to make for friends, there's cleaning up around the house, and she wants time for herself. This is all understandable as I love a bit of time to myself (although I consider the hours I'm at work to be my personal time, unhealthy as that is). But I want some time with her.

I told her, "I want you to want me, I want to feel like you're attracted to me."

She said, "But with so much going on, I'm just not interested in sex."

I told her, "I'm fearful of touching you in any way that isn't purely non-sexual. I've tried hard not to pressure you, to not even bring any kind of sex into the equation, to give you your space, but I don't even know what's okay now."

She said, "It's because I'm not interested in it. I don't want to be touched sexually."

It hurts. I can't tell her this. She says things like, "I hate this" or "I can't handle this" as if I'm pestering her to the point of pure annoyance. But I don't bring this up all the time. In fact, I try to tell her that sex can wait, we'll work something out later. But she said she constantly feels pressured.

I don't understand how she could feel pressured. I don't try to have sex with her at all because I know she doesn't want it. I'll do things like sit down and watch a TV show and snuggle her. I'll give her massages or body rubs. Shit, I've even brushed her hair two nights in a row because she says it feels good. All without a hint of it leading to sex. Yet she still feels pressured?

I'm starting to feel like an emotional cripple. I feel weak. I almost want to cry. I'm starved of affection. She says, "I'm not an intimate person." But she was once.

She says, "I love to snuggle you, but I don't really understand why you want to hug in the middle of the room."

I told her, "Sometimes it's just nice to hug."

****, I just want her to want me, to want to be near me physically. We're so suited to each other mentally, and I respect her immensely, but something's not right 'down there'. Our heads are good, our groins aren't happening.

So if she's not interested in sex, doesn't want to be touched sexually, then why does she love masturbation so much? I know it's a release, it's a personal thing, it's NOT sex, but it's a sexual activity. I even brought up perhaps masturbating together as a way to be together sexually without having to have sex, and she grimaced as if disturbed. The idea of it was not appealing to her at all she said.

I'm lost.

I should explain: We work separate hours. She works during the day, I work at night. So we don't have nights together unless I've taken time off work (like I did the past three nights). We have weekend nights together. We don't do anything with each other without our son there because there's no time for it. Our time is limited. But I really think we need to MAKE time, to spare some of that limited time, to enjoy each other, to be together, if not sexually, even just socially together.

I can see our relationship withering before my eyes, and I feel like I'm the only one who cares enough to try to save it. It's turning into this cold, empty posturing where we play Mummy and Daddy, and nothing else is happening. When she mentioned all the things worrying her, causing her stress, all the things on her plate, she mentioned our son, her friends, but she didn't once mention me or our relationship. She's taking it for granted and it hurts and angers me. I don't know how much longer I should wait. If it turns into a loveless relationship, one where we simply SAY "I love you" but never physically, intimately SHOW our love, I'd have to conclude the love was gone. If she doesn't want to put any work into it, should I leave? Maybe there's someone else out there who'll love me fully and wholly?

[skn1f123]

I once felt like this with an ex boyfriend. My feelings for him had changed, i wasn't in love with him anymore and as a result of that, didn't want to have sex with him, or for him to touch me sexually. So i ended the relationship and was off of sex for a long time after that.

I feel for you, it must be awful, especially as you have a child together. It's strange that she still masturbates but says that she isn't interested in sex, that is confusing and makes it look like (to me) that she just doesn't want sex with you, but that's just what i think, not necessarily the case. It's a hard one, if she's not willing to go to counselling together then the problem is unlikely to get resolved and i think it's unfair on both of you. You want sex, she doesn't, sex is a massive part of a relationship, if there's no sex then you're just friends and if you are a very sexual person, your needs need to be fulfilled.

I personally feel that if a relationship gets to the stage where someone is unhappy and the other person is unwilling/doesn't care enough to try to make that change, then it's time to move on, but that's just me. I'm not prepared to flog a dead horse, have done it too many times and it's never worth it in the end. My last ex (not the one i mentioned above) and i hardly had sex for about the last 2 years of our relationship (i had a medical problem that he was unwilling to work through with me), i loved him dearly but the lack of sex made it harder to keep the relationship going. We were still affectionate towards each other, hugging and stuff but it wasn't enough, we needed that extra thing that was missing. Because of this, we eventually broke up as i felt he wasn't supportive enough or willing to help me through my problem.

I think that you have made a lot of effort to make her feel good about herself, and made it not all about sex but maybe she is just at a stage in her life where she doesn't want to be sexual, maybe that will change, maybe it won't, but it needs to be addressed, for your sake and i think she should be prepared to so that for you, unless she is happy with things the way they are? If she is then it's up to you to do what makes you happy. You have to ask yourself if you're prepared to be with someone who may never want to be intimate with you again and make a decision based on that, it sounds like you love her very much, it'll be a very difficult decision to make.

[workoutgirl1970]

Sounds like she is depressed. She needs to talk to her gynecologist and maybe take an antidepressant. Start exercising together. If she takes care of herself she will feel better about herself which leads to feeling more confident, wanting to be touched, e tc.

[SamanthaKH]

One thing that may be happening is-maybe shes thinking you only want her for sex. Sometimes, women can be really afraid of sex, because what can happen is after you give men sex, your relationship is in danger. She might have the insecurity of thinking, we've had sex, i gave him a son, is there really anything to look forward to anymore? Would he really want me forever? She reads romance novels, so maybe she craves a bigger, more exciting romance , not "love"-making, but love. What you can do? Since you guys work different shifts, try to spend as much time with her as possible. Dont try to turn her on or try to "make her feel good" with this time. Show her that you care, bring her somewhere she likes, somewhere that you know she'll have fun in. Or take your son and wife and go on a family thing, a vacation, prehaps? Shes a mom, she cares a lot about her children. Try to give her some time off from that stress. Bring her the feeling of being loved like when you guys first started dating, have fun. Hope i helped, good luck!

[lanana.banana]

you miss being loved physically. not sex, but just love.
i cannot imagine how this must hurt right now,
the only thing that i can think of is actually showing her what you have written.
this would show her how you feel. you love her so much, and cannot understand why she doesnt love you back.
it does seem to me that there is something up on her side of town, because she is the one rejecting you. if you do bring this up make sure she knows that its not her fault, we are electronical hormonal creatures and chemicals we produce **** with our emotions.
it seems you are doing all you can, the only thing would be patience but this might see to the end of the relationship
show her your firstpost.
maybe change a few bits
just so there is no possible way for her to be offended.
i really hope things work out for you
lana
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