just as it was beginning...a nightmare

[radiantsky]

I have a complicated issue that I really need to talk through somewhere. I hope you guys can give me good advice. I met a guy several months ago. First we just emailed and talked on the phone. We had a couple of dates then nothing (by my doing ...I was trying to take things ultra slow). Our dates would increase for a while then I would stay in a holding pattern. All the while we never did anything more than kiss. I mostly kept our dates out in public so there wouldn't be pressure for sex too soon. I have jumped into quick physical relationships in the past and I just wasn't up for that because it gets your emotions too involved when sometimes someone really isn't a match for you. Anyway... the day finally came after about 3 months where we talked about taking things further. I very assertively brought up the discussion about planning for it, talking about a sexual relationship in advance, given issues and consequences like pregnancy, stds, etc. I'm really not up for unwanted consequences... so I was protecting myself by planning for it. He agreed with my approach. The convo was perfect. I told him condoms are a must and that I could not take birth control pills due to my own negative physical reaction to them in the past. Also, we agreed that we would get a full stds panel done at Any Test. So, everything seemed great. We were on the same page. There wouldn't be irresponsible reactions in the heat of the moment. I reiterated my point multiple times that I wanted to talk about these things before the moment arose that way there are no questions, mistakes, etc. in the heat of the moment and how important this was to me. He seemed to really respect me, and it seemed we got closer through this conversation.

Over the next week or so, we bought the condoms and got the std panel, and talked about taking a nice weekend getaway together. Our results came in and everything was good. No stds. In the car on the way to our little vacation, he pulled out the paper results and asked me if I wanted to look at them. I was annoyed, there were only three tests. He knew I got 7! SEVEN! The main and common std he didn't even test for, herpes. He acted so confident, said he didn't realize there were more because he just trusted the ppl at the clinic to give him the full panel when he asked for full panel. He reassured me that there is no way he has anything considering he has only been with two people in his life. I felt uneasy, but here we were on our trip already. He assured me as a matter of principle he would go back and get the remaining tests the day we come back. We had our condoms which of course we would be using as planned.

Honestly, with the way he kept reiterating his lack of sexual experience and how "pure" he was, I started to feel trusting. Coupled with the FACT that we WOULD be using CONDOMS as agreed, things would be fine. I could trust him. We wouldn't do oral sex or get too close. And we talked about NEVER having had ANY symptoms of any kind of std.

So, we have sex once while on vacation. After he came he took off the condom. He kisses me again and he just suddenly puts it back in me. W T F ... .after everything we talked about and agreed on. THIS was the whole point of those minutes and minutes and energy and hours and days that we put into what-it-would-take for him to enter a sexual relationship with me.

I felt betrayed. How the heck could he miss the boat like this? What the hell is his problem?

We get back into town, same day he goes to do the remainder of the tests. Fast forward two more days. Results come in and he has HSV 1 and HSV 2.

He cried, yada, yada, apologized profusely, acted naive, cried some more. His doctor thinks the HSV 2 (genital herpes) could be a false positive because the level was just very slightly above borderline. They did a retest (hsvselect and another test called western blot).

My issue is not even with the mere fact (and it never was) that he could have an std. It's about character, trust, sticking to your word and agreement with someone. There are plenty of loving couples who have an std that they have to manage and prevent giving to the other person. I have backed off from him. I told him we are at a standstill, I don't know if I can forgive him for railroading our agreement and making that unanimous decision to reenter me without a condom.

I have lost respect for this kid. Yeah, now I feel like he's an irresponsible kid. My feelings have changed for him.

Would you be able to get past this? He has spoken to me about this while waiting on these new results to come back, sort of pushing for a commitment from me regardless of outcome. I told him that emotionally, I am at a standstill and am not in a place to give a word either way right now. How bout the commitment he had given me to use condoms. Geez. I feel unfairly put at risk and betrayed.

If you were in this situation would you continue to see this guy?

We had a pretty awesome bond leading up to all of this. He really dropped the ball!!!!!!!!!!! This is a serious issue. Now I don't see him competent and trustworthy. This issue is in like the top 5% of trust issues a relationship would face.

My decision is NOT contingent on what his final results come out as. It's contingent on if I can forgive him and move past what he did.

How would you feel?

[VincenzoG91]

Dump him. He's a selfish jerk who doesn't respect your very reasonable needs. You definitely don't want to have his kids and/or STDs.

[girl68]

I would feel incredibly violated. Condum use ONLY works (I know you know) when used properly each and every time before and after cumming. What a douche. I don't think I could shake that feeling of being utterly violated by the after condom penetration. No way, jose. Even if he WAS clean I would still feel totally violated. And that isn't something I could get over.

You better now go get tested now...

[workoutgirl1970]

Absolutely dump the selfish bastard. He probably knew what he had and wants to give it to everyone that he meets now.

[xxazurexx]

^^lol....

Ugh, just goes to show that you never know what someone has got or what we might pick up.

Nah, it would put me off him. I value my health too much.

[sunnybunny8212]

if he couldn't respect your personal
feelings in the bedroom, you may have a hard time with the simplest things in
everyday life with him...
i understand the trust situation and id be pissed if someone would
have violated me like that.
kinda seems the sex at the moment
was more important than your discussions..
but if you feel strongly for him, its up to you at the end of the day...

[vashti]

he slipped it in without you knowing he was in the vicinity? seriously, I don't understand how that happens.

Anyway, I've said it 1000x on these boards: there is no such thing as a "full panel" for STD testing. The MD decides which things to test for, so every office is different. A "full panel" typically does not include HSV1, HSV2, or HPV, all of which are VERY common, and are not typically tested for in the absence of symptoms, and males are very often asymptomatic carriers. It is indeed possible that he did not know he was infected.

I don't know if you should dump him or not. Maybe you should. However, if you have been infected, you may find the number of guys who will want to have sex with you is understandably reduced. Depending on how strong your sex drive, you may or may not care about that... Just a bit of food for thought.

[Gigabitch]

he slipped it in without you knowing he was in the vicinity? seriously, I don't understand how that happens.

That's what I was thinking. What, were you tied up or something?

[VincenzoG91]

I don't know if you should dump him or not. Maybe you should. However, if you have been infected, you may find the number of guys who will want to have sex with you is understandably reduced. Depending on how strong your sex drive, you may or may not care about that... Just a bit of food for thought.

Maybe that's why he did it, to increase his own potential dating pool because he already knew he was infected.

[vashti]

Maybe that's why he did it, to increase his own potential dating pool because he already knew he was infected.

Something like 80% of the population has been infected with HSV, last I heard. I don't know that he would need to be quite so desperate.

Besides, I am more inclined to think people act out of stupidity than maliciousness.

[Peter Pry]

Something like 80% of the population has been infected with HSV, last I heard. I don't know that he would need to be quite so desperate.

80% in the U.S. It's more like 95% worldwide. Herpes is part of the human genome now. Everyone has it. It's not even an STD, since most people lucky enough to not be born with it get it in childhood from being kissed by relatives or scraping their knees in the playground. This is why it is not tested for. There's no point. You have it. I have it (I had a cold sore when I was 7). Everyone has it. People who HAVE IT aren't the set of people with the virus; they're the set of people whose immune systems for some reason aren't suppressing it.

There is absolutely no point in getting all bent out of shape over his not having an HSV test. Most doctors will refuse to give you one even if you specifically request it, because they all know you already have it, and the test itself is inaccurate. You should always just assume that anyone you have sex with, including yourself, has this essentially symptomless virus.

What I would be bent out of shape about would be the, er, permissionless insertion. Sexual boundaries were discussed and explicitly set at no-sex-without-a-condom. He intentionally violated those boundaries. He physically violated the OP. He deserves to be got rid of instantly and forever for that. He's little better than a rapist in my book. Scratch that. He IS a rapist in my book--- that act was a nonconsensual sex act. He should go to jail.

Besides, I am more inclined to think people act out of stupidity than maliciousness.

Agreed. Never underestimate human stupidity.

[girl68]

^ what a load of shit.

If I asked for a herpes test I would get one. No Dr. will ever tell me, no I'm not giving it to you- you aready have it, I know because EVERYONE has it.

[Peter Pry]

^ what a load of shit.

If I asked for a herpes test I would get one. No Dr. will ever tell me, no I'm not giving it to you- you aready have it, I know because EVERYONE has it.

OK, go get one then. By "refuse," I mean "strongly discourage." What will you do with the inaccurate test information?

[xxazurexx]

^ what a load of shit.

If I asked for a herpes test I would get one. No Dr. will ever tell me, no I'm not giving it to you- you aready have it, I know because EVERYONE has it.

I agree...load a shit.

Not everyone has herpes....I know for a fact I aint got it and I've never been tested.

Never had a coldsore in my entire life.

And I've never ever had any kind of sexual disease either.

[vashti]

I agree...load a shit.

Not everyone has herpes....I know for a fact I aint got it and I've never been tested.

Never had a coldsore in my entire life.

And I've never ever had any kind of sexual disease either.

You don't have to have had a cold sore to have been infected. As I said before, a lot of people are asymptomatic.

Though I disagree that it is quite as prevalent as Peter Pry says.