The dreaded rebound scenario--wanting some opinions guys!

[sheenietee]

Ok, I know, I know, I should just walk away and avoid getting hurt. But I have not known this guy very long (3.5 weeks) and because I knew of his unresolved relationship, I did not allow myself to fall for him or get too attached.

He dropped the bombshell on me yesterday, that the gf would in a week be living 5 minutes away from him (on campus) and that they would be spending a lot of time together as friends for the rest of the summer before she leaves.

Here's part of the convo:
Him: ideally i would turn back the clock and erase the mistakes of my past. for now, i understand that i still have feelings for her, and i don't want to advance things with you or anyone else until i get those figured out. casual dating has been fine for me, but i think you can be as intense as i can. i want to get to know her as a friend over the summer and decide what to do with the relationship. she is leaving this fall so i wouldnt see her for a year and a half minimum after this summer. if i tried to be with her agian, it would be a very serious relationship, but of course, something like that is a huge decision and I am not sure that I know what I want, and I dont know if she knows what she wants

Me : I will definitely be patient, but only if you actually appreciate me for me and not just use casual dating as an excuse to pass the time, ya know?

Him: i do appreciate you for you, especially when you always respond to me the way you do you have an amazing amount of understanding, patience, and maturity that i really respect. that is why I am opening up to you, i can trust you with all of my complicatedness haha i hope we can get to know each other over the summer and whichever way things end up, i hope we can be good friends

I edited a lot to shorten it. But, I am willing to be his friend, but is that all he will ever see in me? even if he does get over her? Also, I really want to give him advice on what to do.. but I feel as if I shouldn't.. how do you think he’d take it if I told him straight out that, if you always contact her and spend a lot of time with her, you’ll never get over her?
Trust me, I am not blind and I realize I’m 2nd choice to him and a rebound, which is why I plan on being his friend and walking away and seeing other guys in the meantime.. I by no means have unrealistic hope this will turn into him magically loving me, just want some opinions. I just don’t want to make any rash decisions myself until the fall where I start seeing him on a regular basis, see his decisions, and see how he treats me. If I fear it’s bad, I will go off and see other guys and tell him to call me if he feels over her, whether I’m available or not is all in timing though.

[xxazurexx]

I'm unsure what you are asking, because it seems that you have all this figured out anyway and you don't help or advice.

[sheenietee]

I'm unsure what you are asking, because it seems that you have all this figured out anyway and you don't help or advice.

I'm not sure myself, I think I'm kind of just looking for people who have been in similar scenarios to tell me their stories or what they think of this situation. I always love to hear a wide variety of opinions because it is what helps me learn and be productive, so I apologize if I ask too much around here lol. It's just my personality.

[girl68]

I think if you like him more than a friend it's not going to work as "friends". You can't give him advice becasue you're not even close to objective. I think all you can do it cut off whatever romantic involvment you have ASAP. If you want to be friends do so but tread carefully. In order for him to make a good clear decision the less he sees of you the better.

I suggest not being friends but being "friendly" for at least the summer is the best course of action.

[xxazurexx]

OK, well I have never been in this situation. I don't do 'second best' and no guy would ever keep me on the backburner, as his 'second best'....no offence btw.

For me, it's black and white, the guy either wants to be with me, or he doesn't, there is no 'inbetween'.

I have way too much pride than to sit around waiting upon a guy, who would prefer to go off and test the waters with the ex. The ex who he isn't over, the ex he is still obviously pining for and the ex he would likely get back with and if she wanted him back.

Because I think that is what is happening here. He is unsure where he stands with his ex and wanting to see where he stands with his ex and he's living in hopes of getting back with his ex.

The part where he says i hope we can get to know each other over the summer and whichever way things end up, i hope we can be good friends...
This would indicate, that the guy doesn't want to be anything other than a friend and no matter how things turn out with his ex....

However, saying that, he wasn't exactly going to say 'I hope we can get to know each other over the summer and whichever way things end up, I know I can date you'. So the offer of friendship may have been mentioned and because he could be viewing it that if it doesnt work with her, he has you to fall back on.

But see you know all of the above, yet you seem prepared to sit and wait it out? Why?...

Don't you want to be with a guy who will put you 'first'. Don't you want to be the woman, that a guy only has eyes for?

[sheenietee]

OK, well I have never been in this situation. I don't do 'second best' and no guy would ever keep me on the backburner, as his 'second best'....no offence btw.

For me, it's black and white, the guy either wants to be with me, or he doesn't, there is no 'inbetween'.

I have way too much pride than to sit around waiting upon a guy, who would prefer to go off and test the waters with the ex. The ex who he isn't over, the ex he is still obviously pining for and the ex he would likely get back with and if she wanted him back.

Because I think that is what is happening here. He is unsure where he stands with his ex and wanting to see where he stands with his ex and he's living in hopes of getting back with his ex.

The part where he says i hope we can get to know each other over the summer and whichever way things end up, i hope we can be good friends...
This would indicate, that the guy doesn't want to be anything other than a friend and no matter how things turn out with his ex....

However, saying that, he wasn't exactly going to say 'I hope we can get to know each other over the summer and whichever way things end up, I know I can date you'. So the offer of friendship may have been mentioned and because he could be viewing it that if it doesnt work with her, he has you to fall back on.

But see you know all of the above, yet you seem prepared to sit and wait it out? Why?...

Don't you want to be with a guy who will put you 'first'. Don't you want to be the woman, that a guy only has eyes for?

I think the offer of friendship was a way of avoiding saying.."I can fall back on dating you" since we do definitely have chemistry together from what he has mentioned himself (you can look at a past thread about him from mine if you'd like.. at least I hope this is the case).

But yes, why wait for him? I guess it is because he is a good catch and one of my biggest fears is ending up alone or with someone I'm not truly in love with. I have not fallen for him yet, but I just feel as if there isn't too much harm in seeing how things turn out (as in the fall) before making a big choice in what to do. I am being cautious and not getting too attached, just evaluating things properly ahead of time. Trust me though, if I do meet a guy, I will not hesitate to date him.

[xxazurexx]

I think the offer of friendship was a way of avoiding saying.."I can fall back on dating you" since we do definitely have chemistry together from what he has mentioned himself (you can look at a past thread about him from mine if you'd like.. at least I hope this is the case).

That is what I was saying, but you are hoping this is the case? WTF?

So can I ask you, what is the attraction in knowing that this guy would prefer to have and be with another woman, over you? To know that he is only with you and because this other woman doesn't want him back?

What is the attraction in knowing that if you began a relationship with this guy, that his ex could walk back into his life and a month from now, six months from now, a year from now and he may end up walking away from you again?

one of my biggest fears is ending up alone or with someone I'm not truly in love with.

Hmm, yet you have no problem in being with a guy who does not truly love you.

I have not fallen for him yet, but I just feel as if there isn't too much harm in seeing how things turn out (as in the fall) before making a big choice in what to do. I am being cautious and not getting too attached, just evaluating things properly ahead of time. Trust me though, if I do meet a guy, I will not hesitate to date him.

I suspect that you would like to continue to be his friend, is in the hopes he is going to change his mind about you.

You say that you are being cautious, not getting too attached, but sorry Sheenie, already seems that you are attached to this guy, or you wouldn't have bothered to come seeking advice about him here.

[Gigabitch]

But yes, why wait for him? I guess it is because he is a good catch and one of my biggest fears is ending up alone or with someone I'm not truly in love with.

You should have bigger fears than that, like being strung along by a guy who keeps you on the back burner until he doesn't have anything better going on.

[sheenietee]

You should have bigger fears than that, like being strung along by a guy who keeps you on the back burner until he doesn't have anything better going on.

I whole-heartedly agree with you here. Even if it is difficult for me, even if he doesn't end up with his ex, I have decided to not give in to being in a relationship with him--official or not. I realize this is just setting myself up to be hurt and it would be the same thing as him going back to his ex--delving into a relationship where one person clearly has more love for the person than the other--which will never make anyone truly happy in the long run.

That being said though, I don't know what it is about this guy but I really have grown a soft spot for him and really care about him and his happiness (me aside). I want to see him happy and I don't want him to go back to his ex because I am almost positive going back to someone who cheated on him and then being separated for 1.5 years minimum is not healthy. They're very good friends who hang out all the time (he's even in charge of watching her apartment and car while she's away) but this is essentially why he can't get over her. It's almost been a year since they broke up as well but he said right before she left "she was acting different and that she might still like me." He didn't specify any of those sign to me though.

I know it may not seem as though my intentions are pure, but I really want him over her so he can be happy, not so I can lure him into being with me. What should I do at this point? Should I give him advice or no?

Basically, she cheated on him (as every long-term gf of his has) and I'm sure she's not a horrible person, but she can't love him if she did that imo. Should I instigate something within him.. maybe tell him I have second thoughts about waiting around for him because I'm afraid or getting hurt? or that I've found someone? ...would he just not care enough about me at that point for it to make a difference and get him to stop thinking about the ex? idk what to say really, but I do really care about him and want to see him happy, which I don't think he will be with her.. I really want to help him even though I don't see a future with us together.. if that makes sense.