Nude celebrities = I don't love you

[walkingdream]

Hi all,

First time poster and new member to the forum and desperately seeking opinions. It's a bit of a long story so I will try to keep it as brief as possible. I should tell you first that I am unemployed, I have no money, and I moved from the USA to the UK to be with my partner. I am looking for work but my work is specialized but I have been going on interviews, but it can take a while to get a job in my field. As I haven't been working here and my friends back in the States aren't available to me I have no outlets for communication or reflection which explains why I am here.

Not long ago my partner walked in on me masturbating. She had no idea I ever did this so at first it was a shock for her.

So we talked through it eventually, she even posted a forum statement (not sure on which forum) explaining how she felt and asked for advice. All of the advice she received told her that sex can take a plunge given those three points, unemployed, broke and alone.

She felt I had been uninterested in her because our sex life took a serious down turn as of recent. So much so that a week or more would go by without having sex.

At first she thought I was masturbating all the time and that was the explanation for the lack of sex in our relationship. I don't masturbate habitually or excessively and I know very well it's a common thing for people to do- in a relationship or not. She doesn't necessarily agree and said masturbation is fine if we are having sex regularly, which I can understand. After we worked through it she accepted it wasn't a regular thing and we actually ended up having sex a few days later.

Now about six days have gone by and we haven't had sex again. She is always ready and willing but I am not for a variety of reasons. I stay up quite late as I am a night owl whereas she goes to bed early for work. When I work I go to bed early. I drink a fair amount. I am on a variety of medications (legitimately prescribed to me) and at night when I take the majority of medications I can get quite numb- literally, so it's hard to get excited sexually. Combined with all the stresses its just a horrible combination for an active sex life.

Now this is the important part and the root of my problem.

If I am watching TV or a movie (not porn), and I see an actress on the tele and I feel compelled to do so I will look them up online and see if I can find revealing / nude photos of them. I imagine this is a common thing for a guy (or girl) to do. An example of this would be the movie Swordfish with John Travolta and Halle Berry (not sure thats the right spelling of her last name), so if feeling compelled to do so I might find that image of her topless from the movie and have a look.

I am not masturbating to these things and I have not done so since the conversation with my partner.

Now I need to tell you a bit about my life and my surfing practices on the net as well as about my partner.

1. I am an ex-drug addict and I find a lot of interest in researching the medication I am on and looking for new ways to treat my particular situation. I know more about pharmaceutical drugs then the average pharmacy worker.

2. My partner is extremely untrusting due to a series of bad relationships in her life of which I am aware.

3. I do not clear my website history. I do use the browsing options that cause no tracks to be left in your internet history.

I have given my partner the passwords to my computer and content so she can go in and have a look at whatever she likes whenever she likes.

Yesterday she logged into my computer and went through my site history and found that I was looking at these nude celebrities. She immediately thought I was masturbating to them and that's why we haven't had sex in the past few days. I should mention during our original conversation a while ago we never mentioned me not looking at these things but only discussed how me masturbating to them made her feel, which is why I haven't since.

She also saw occasional 15 minute surfing sessions that were hidden by the browser's "no tracks" features. She presumed those 15 minute sessions were masturbating sessions. I tried to explain to her that there are things that are personal to me, things such as certain medications I research, questions about our relationship that I need help in dealing with, etc.

Last night I had a lot to drink and was feeling really down due to the conversation and situation. Before I went to bed I spent some time reading suicide forums. I have never hinted I would commit suicide and I am not a suicidal person. I read them like any reason anyone reads any forum.


My girlfriend said she was done with our relationship. She said our relationship was over.

This morning my partner woke up and logged into my computer to check my history again and found the websites still open. She took the day off from work and I found her downstairs when I woke up. I went back upstairs realizing I had gotten up to early. She came upstairs while I was half awake and I told her, "The thing I can't get over is that you are trying to censor the content I look, watch and read regardless of what it is. This is a huge impasse for me to get over and I don't know where it will lead us." With that I fell asleep.

When I came downstairs the second time this morning I found her sprawled out on the floor of the den/living room. It was obvious she had been hitting herself with her fists and crying a lot. She was whimpering and talking to herself. When I tried to approach her about what had happened she screamed and yelled cursing me, and I don't mean a calm yelling and screaming but rather a wailing, red faced enraged, teary-eyed nervous breakdown type of yelling. After screaming at me for a while, throwing vases and remote controls shattering them to little pieces she told me off once again and went upstairs and told me to sleep on the couch.

I love my girlfriend and I have never been as happy as I am right now. I don't want to lose her. The idea of being told what I am or am not allowed to look at cuts me very deep.

As of this moment I think our relationship is completely done but I also understand she gets very upset, as described above, and may just need time to calm down.

Please advise, I'm desperate.

[vashti]

You said yourself that she doesn't care about the masturbation, so long as she is getting hers. Obviously, she needs more physical satisfaction than you have been giving her in order to feel loved. You should cut out the booze (which I'm sure you know is not appropriate for a "former" addict), and ask your MD about a change in whatever medication you are taking to reduce the negative sexual side effects. Also, I think you would BOTH benefit from some counseling. Her violent outbursts and self-harm habits are as inappropriate as your drug/alcohol addiction.

[girl68]

Sorry but I don't think you are in the right. The things that drop your sex drive can easily be changed it's called sacrifice. You're drinking, sleeping late, and self prescribing yourself drugs... all of which should stop so you can bone your gf. Which in turn should make her feel a little more secure that you're doing her that doing yourself.

She shouldn't dictate your viewing but I'd also find it alarming you look up specific nudie shots of actresses you just saw. It's so much more premeditated- I wouldn't like that at all.

As for her little rage fit, that should be addressed anyone who freaks out like THAT might need a little therapy.

[dewilliams2]

Yes counseling is in order I agree.

And you do need to make her feel like she is wanted physically more.

[walkingdream]

Thanks for your quick and honest responses. I don't necessarily think I am in the right, I don't see it as right and wrong as much as compromises and steps you take towards a healthier relationship. I'm the first to admit I have a lot of problems.

I guess I wasn't very clear but I'm not self-prescribing drugs. All my medication is provided by the Doctor and completely legitimate. I was explaining that I try to change my medication with the Doctor's approval to help get rid of these effects and to ultimately ween my way off maintenance medication.

I've also been working with counselors and doctor's to reduce and ultimately eliminate all these extra drugs I'm on. Every month I visit the clinic twice and with the help of Doctors I cut back on the medication I need and I make it my own personal effort to lower my alcohol intake.

I have also made appointments to see a psycho therapist to help me communicate with someone since I don't have the right relationships in this country to fall back on. Unfortunately in England it takes a while to get that first appointment.

As for looking up nude actresses I appreciate the response, at least I know it's not just something she's being oversensitive about and other women react the same way.

As of this morning I contacted someone to handle couples counseling.

[girl68]

Good work. I think you should go to bed earlier with her if at least to have sex and sleep and or cuddle with her (more often anyways). She could be feeling a lack of overall affection.

[Sonrisa]

My honest opinion is - you are not allowed to have a relationship until you are mentally and physically well enough not to cause and damage to your partner. Get out of any relationship and work on yourself. The only other option is to find a strong enough partner who'd be able to baby you through this ordeal. But those are hard to come by, since Indi, Vashti and I are not in UK

[walkingdream]

I suppose the solution is obvious, have more sex and show more affection. I'm not an unaffectionate person. When she needs to go into the hospital I go with her, I send her flowers and pick up little treats or do little special things around the house. When she's ill I stay at her side and care for her. When I am employed I take her out to dinner or go with the family on local holidays, etc.

I can't help but think that none of this would be an issue if I was just working again. When I was last working none of this was an issue. We went to bed at the same time, sex was more regular, and the world was shiny and peachy. At least it seems that way.

[Sonrisa]

how old are you 2?

[walkingdream]

@Sonrisa LOL! (at your last sentence, not the entirety of it.)

I think if I waited to have a relationship until I was physically and mentally well I would not only be the only person on earth who was doing that but I'd also never be in a relationship.

[walkingdream]

I'm 28 and she's 36 with a 10 year old daughter from her previous relationship

[Sonrisa]

@Sonrisa LOL!

I think if I waited to have a relationship until I was physically and mentally well I would not only be the only person on earth who was doing that but I'd also never be in a relationship.

but don't you think at least that maybe you should find a partner who is a bit stronger mentally then the one that you have now?

or actually, do you really think that there's a woman on earth that deserves to put up with an unemployed men who won't even f**k her?

[Sonrisa]

I'm 28 and she's 36 with a 10 year from her previous relationship

what is 10 year from her previous relationship?

[Sonrisa]

10 year old child?!?

[walkingdream]

10 year old, from her previous relationship, her daughter.

I think there are more important things then ***king and being employed and in a relationship. While I do feel sex is an important part of a relationship I think it's only a percent of what is needed. I am not unemployed by choice mind you, I left the USA to come to the UK and I have been looking for work since I've got here. Unfortunately because the North West UK is about 8 years behind New York my job is only starting to exist here.