My bf texts a lot and checking his cell a lot..how can I ask him?

[exprezo]

Hello, need your help/advice here. It's always good to hear from the guys' perspective.

My BF and I officially together for ONLY 1.5 months
1 cool off period happened to us already and we got back together on May 10th [start over again]

When we FIRST started he was very upfront and I have NO questions about him [that was how comfy he made me felt]
He left his cell on ring mode, when people called him, he will apologize to me 1st then pickup and talked in front of me and told me who was that person. NOTHING hidden

Recently he started texting in front of me while we are hanging out BUT never told me who and what.
He even texted while he picked me up from work yesterday and while he was driving, with one hand!

I also notice his behavior towards his cell. He seems to be "always on the look out" or checking to see if he got missed call or txt messages [i think he turned to silent mode when he with me]
Me:- I never asked nor say anything the entire time even though i am DYING to know

Backgrounder:- This situation has worse impact in me coz during our cool off period, he then told me he kissed his coworker!!!

Last nite: I could not help it and flipped open his cell and saw the alert says one new message from *** [that coworker he kissed] but i did NOT get to read the content. Please don't penalize me on this...I am sorry.

I do not want to live my life in this relationship without trust but how can tackle the issue without making my BF feels I am marking territory or controlling or bossy?

Why can't guys be just open, then I don't have to guess and suspect and sad?

Guys out there how would you me?

[sehvral]

On the flip side, why should guys have to explain every call or text they make?

Early on, he did what he did because that is the polite way to take a call in front of someone who is essentially a stranger. Once you get more comfortable, it stops being important. It isn't about hiding what you are doing. I mean he even told you about kissing someone while you were on a break. He's not being deceptive.

If you don't trust him enough to let him make phone calls, that speaks to some serious issues. You need to address your trust issues first and foremost. Even if he agrees to explain his calls, if you don't take steps to address these deeper trust issues, they will just manifest themselves in other ways as time goes on.

So, my question is: why do you have so much trouble trusting?

[xxazurexx]

It isn't a case of being controlling. Nobody in their right mind would accept that their partner was texting people of the opposite sex and in particular, a person that they were very recently involved with. Unless they have some agreement that it's ok to text other people.

It's a case of setting boundaries (which it doesn't seem you have done) and letting the other person know what is acceptable in your relationship and what is not acceptable.

If this is not acceptable to you, then tell him it isn't.

[xxazurexx]

On the flip side, why should guys have to explain every call or text they make?

Early on, he did what he did because that is the polite way to take a call in front of someone who is essentially a stranger. Once you get more comfortable, it stops being important. It isn't about hiding what you are doing. I mean he even told you about kissing someone while you were on a break. He's not being deceptive.

If you don't trust him enough to let him make phone calls, that speaks to some serious issues. You need to address your trust issues first and foremost. Even if he agrees to explain his calls, if you don't take steps to address these deeper trust issues, they will just manifest themselves in other ways as time goes on.

So, my question is: why do you have so much trouble trusting?

I might have agreed with you....until I read the part where she says she spied a females co workers name on an incoming message, who he was recently involved with.

I think seeing something like that on my guys phone, would set alarm bells off for me also.

[sehvral]

I might have agreed with you....until I read the part where she says she spied a females co workers name on an incoming message, who he was recently involved with.

I think seeing something like that on my guys phone, would set alarm bells off for me also.

Sorry, but her trust issues manifested themselves LONG before she saw that text. That wasn't the catalyst.

[sehvral]

It isn't a case of being controlling. Nobody in their right mind would accept that their partner was texting people of the opposite sex and in particular, a person that they were very recently involved with. Unless they have some agreement that it's ok to text other people.

It's a case of setting boundaries (which it doesn't seem you have done) and letting the other person know what is acceptable in your relationship and what is not acceptable.

If this is not acceptable to you, then tell him it isn't.

I usually agree with you, azure, but seriously? He's not allowed to text a female coworker without asking permission?
I spent 15 minutes on the phone with a female coworker this afternoon. Should I call up my GF and say "I'm sorry I talked to her, she had a question about the conference room projector. Was that okay with you?"
Shit, I have dozens of female friends in my address book. You would expect me to document my interactions with them if we were dating? My GF has plenty of male friends and coworkers, and she talks to them via phone, email and text. I don't see what the big deal is.

He kissed a girl during a breakup. If that's "involved with someone", then I need to seriously rethink the number of relationships I've had.

[Junket]

The f*ck, what are you, 16?

[xxazurexx]

I usually agree with you, azure, but seriously? He's not allowed to text a female coworker without asking permission?

This is no 'ordinary' co worker....

But a co worker with whom he was recently involved with.
I'd be wondering why this PARTICULAR co worker was texting him.

Unlike the OP though and if I had seen something like this, I would have to ask my partner and why she was texting him and if only to put my mind at rest.

I spent 15 minutes on the phone with a female coworker this afternoon. Should I call up my GF and say "I'm sorry I talked to her, she had a question about the conference room projector. Was that okay with you?"

Yet again, this isn't no ORDINARY coworker' the OP is talking. But a co worker she knew her partner to be involved with and during the time they were split....
I'm sure that if you had a co worker texting you and a one that you had been recently involved with and your partner was aware of your involvement with her...it would raise her alarm bells too and to have this certain co worker calling.

Shit, I have dozens of female friends in my address book. You would expect me to document my interactions with them if we were dating? My GF has plenty of male friends and coworkers, and she talks to them via phone, email and text. I don't see what the big deal is.

Sorry, but the OP didn't just say they were dating and I formed the opinion from what she'd said, that this is an exclusive relationship.....

In an exclusive relationship, no, I wouldn't like it if my partner saw fit to text numerous females. I'd be wondering why he felt a need to text and call these other females, why he felt a need to have other women around in his life.

In reality, I've never had this problem.

Lucky me has only ever been the 'ONLY' woman in his life......and that is the way I like it
Likewise and when I've been involved, I had no desire for men friends or the conversation of other men...

Like I said, I would have agreed with you in that it is stupid not to trust and because a partner is texting. The text could be going anywhere, to his mum, his sister, his brother, his boss, a client, etc....
It was when I saw her mention the co worker he was recently involved with, as I said.

[xxazurexx]

Sorry, but her trust issues manifested themselves LONG before she saw that text. That wasn't the catalyst.

Yeah well with that I will agree.....

If she can't trust her partner to be doing something as simple as texting...she has a problem.

But then she saw the text from this co worker....so uhm,...uhm...

[sehvral]

She was getting herself all worked up *before* she saw the text, though. The issue isn't the coworker, it is the fact that she didn't trust him to text anyone, even back when she had no reason to suspect anything.

My response was more targeted to your comment of "Unless they have some agreement that it's ok to text other people." You make it sound like it is wrong to maintain friendships of the opposite sex. Are you the type that expects your man to close his eyes every time a pretty girl walks by as well?

Having a problem with this ONE woman I can understand. But for you to expect to man to cut off contact with every woman he knows anytime he starts seeing someone is a bit extreme. Exclusive doesn't mean "no contact with other women".

[xxazurexx]

She was getting herself all worked up *before* she saw the text, though. The issue isn't the coworker, it is the fact that she didn't trust him to text anyone, even back when she had no reason to suspect anything.

Like I said, the fact he was texting wouldn't have bothered me, as it bothered the OP. So yes, I do agree with you on that point.....and mentioned above that if she can't trust him to text, she does have a problem.

My response was more targeted to your comment of "Unless they have some agreement that it's ok to text other people." You make it sound like it is wrong to maintain friendships of the opposite sex. Are you the type that expects your man to close his eyes every time a pretty girl walks by as well?

This isn't about 'me'. It is about the OP. I was giving my opinion on her situation and advising her that if she couldn't accept that her partner texted other females, then she should let him know. It is called 'setting boundaries'. What is acceptable to some people, may not be acceptable to others.....everyone is different and want different things in their relationships.

I'm unsure why you feel a need to get 'personal' and suggest that I keep men on a leash... .... But no, I don't expect my man to close his eyes....lol and I dont mind my man viewing porn either. In the past I was way too trusting and I think that is why a couple of men in my life, took advantage and cheated. I will admit that I am far less trusting these days, than I used to be and because of certain events in my life. However, that doesn't stop me from trusting and until given cause not to be able to trust.

Having a problem with this ONE woman I can understand. But for you to expect to man to cut off contact with every woman he knows anytime he starts seeing someone is a bit extreme. Exclusive doesn't mean "no contact with other women".

Like I said, never had this problem, never had to deal with it...and the thread isn't about me.

The issue isn't mine or a problem in my relationship, but the OP's

And I was giving advice in that if she wasn't happy, let the guy know....and then go from there.

[Cosmo]

Ugh i hate texting. If your with me then be with me. How are we together if your having 9 different conversations on your phone. There's nothing more rude or disrespectful. I ask who's texting too. If someone calls your house you say 'oh who was that'. But it's inappropriate to do the same with a text message? I don't think so. (though apparently most people do)

That said, everyone deserves privacy BUT in my opinion you can have that privacy when you are not with me. I don't talk on the phone the whole night when I'm with someone, how is that any different than texting????

I think I might be in the wrong here though based on societal values.

To the OP. You've been with this douce for 1.5 months and you already needed a break AND he's kissed another girl AND he's maintaining textual contact with her?

And yes, I call them textual messages. They are ALWAYS flirty, i think its the perceived anonymity factor. It's also very easy to say whatever you want in a text. You don't have your voice or body language to demonstrate that you're nervous/lying etc.

[sehvral]

Perhaps I misread your initial post. Your original comment of "Nobody in their right mind would accept that their partner was texting people of the opposite sex and in particular, a person that they were very recently involved with. Unless they have some agreement that it's ok to text other people" doesn't sound like "I think you should say something if it makes you uncomfortable." It sounded to me like "You SHOULD have a problem with him talking to women, normal women wouldn't be okay with it". The evil smiley was intended to show the closing-his-eyes part was tongue-in-cheek, BTW.

I agree that she should bring it up if it bothers her, but that ultimately she's going to keep having this problem over and over unless she understands why she gets so worked up over it. If she's gonna go to the extreme of expecting to know every time he contacts someone, she needs something more substantial than "I don't like it".

[sehvral]

If someone calls your house you say 'oh who was that'.

Must be you. I can't remember the last time someone asked me that.

And yes, I call them textual messages. They are ALWAYS flirty, i think its the perceived anonymity factor. It's also very easy to say whatever you want in a text. You don't have your voice or body language to demonstrate that you're nervous/lying etc.

Hmm, that text I sent my friend about whether she was gonna have to have the fluid drained from her knee today must mean I have some pretty sick fetishes, then

[lahnnabell]

Well, I think the big TRIGGER here was his sudden change in behavior. My boyfriend was very respectful of the fact that texting and making phone calls while in the company of others can be considered rude. I agree, unless it's an important issue, of course. However, I also agree that as you become more comfortable with one another, letting it go to voicemail doesn't happen as often. Especially because as we get older it becomes more and more difficult to track people down. At least it is for me. My friends and I have to plan weeks in advance to see each other because our schedules are so hectic, so I'll take a call from them anytime I can. Same with my boyfriend.

There are exceptions though. Quality time is one of them. If my boyfriend and I are chillin' out with a movie, snuggled up in bed, I would hope he's not checking up on his cell every 10 minutes. I'd be outta that bed in a hot second if that were the case. The fact that your guy is making stupid decisions like texting while driving concerns me. He's putting your life and his at risk for something that was clearly not an urgent situation. I'd have taken his cell phone out of his hands for that reason alone.

Sounds like you may have done some necessary digging though. He's in constant contact with a girl he had a little thing with. That would not sit right with me. I think you should just cal his bluff and get rid of him.