With my boyfriend for 3 years but he still hadn't told his parents

[reddishy]

I very recently split up with my boyfriend.

The reasons behind it were simple - we have been together for 3 years, and yet he won't tell his family about us because he feels it's not the right time, meaning that we've had a secret relationship for the past 3 years. On saturday, he told me he had to cancel our date because his mum was asking questions about why he was going out.

Background: his mother is quite a difficult person to live with, and is very sensitive to rejection and losses - her mother recently died in january, and she is also still sad that her eldest daughter has married and left the household. My ex-boyfriend felt that telling her he was in a relationship would only add to her depression. His family are also Muslim, so it could be a cultural thing which adds to why he hasn't told his parents.

But aside from that, he also has said to me that he needs to achieve more in his life first before he introduces me to his parents. He's also said that I'm quite immature and i need to be more understanding of the situation, and he wants to be able to introduce me to his family when I'M ready too...

The thing is.. i feel like we will only be together until these conditions are met.. and he's said that we need to wait, but i'm sick of the waiting and the not knowing when we can finally be together and not live under such secrecy.

We are also LDR, which makes it even worse...

But the thing is, when we are together, it is amazing.. he was my best friend, my number 1 supporter and helped me through uni and with my confidence. We broke up because i didn;t know if i could keep waiting around for him.. and he was very upset about it and didn't want to give up on us.

It's now been 2 days and it's been the hardest 2 days emotionally.. I can't stop thinking about him and keep writing text messages to him and deleting it. I want to get back together with him, but i don't know if i should, as all of the issues will still stand.

I don't know what to do or how to cope.. as we still love eachother very much, and we only broke up because of the previously stated issues. I want more from him, in terms of a relationship, but he's not ready to tell.

Should i get back together with him? Should i contact him and try and sort it out? I keep writing text messages to him and then deleting them.

I'd really appreciate anyone's constructive advice on this , whether it's how to get over it, or whether there may be enough to get back together.. or maybe have a break, instead of a break-up?

[vashti]

If his family is traditional, there will be a lot of family pressure to marry a Muslim. It doesn't sound like he is willing to risk family disapproval, so I don't see any future for you. It would probably be best to move on.

[xxazurexx]

If he's Muslim, you are wasting your time. It's rare that these guys break away from 'protocol' and his family will already have some woman in mind for him, that will be his future bride. She will be a woman from his culture and she will be Muslim.

He has kept you a secret and because it wouldn't be deemed unacceptable by his family, to be with you or to associate with you.....especially if you are white and Christian.

I've been in that situation....I was a secret too.

Waste of time.

[Cloud206]

Talk to him and maybe he'll understand,but i agree with ppl above.

[Kaius]

Wait.... is he middle-eastern and you are caucasian? If so, this is a deadly combo. Middle-eastern men are notoriously inconsiderate towards white women, yet they prefer to date them as trophies.
Behind closed doors, these men don't respect white women. You are not introduced to his parents because he never viewed you as his future mate. Think back and see if you recall how
nice he was to you, yet he did things contrary to his "niceness".

[reddishy]

Hi all, thank you all very much for your replies. It does seem as though there are some big generalisations about middle eastern guys .. and i'd actually like to tell you that my ex boyfriend was none of those things. Despite the situation, i have the utmost love and respect for this guy. He's 24 and the nicest person I've ever met in my life. I hardly think he was using me as a "trophy" he's always been extremely respectful and supportive of me. He introduced me to his closest friends as soon as we met, and they seem like such nice and sweet guys... i tend to judge people by the company they surround themselves with. His friends are all of diverse races, white, chinese, indian etc. So i don't think he feels disrespect towards any race.

We haven't even slept together, as he wanted to save it for marriage and make our first time special. He wasn't raised in this country, but came here from Saudi Arabia when he was 10 years old, and is a very innocent and gentle soul. The only things that were wrong with the relationship was that i didn't get to see him much, although we would chat for 2 hours in the evening and arrange to go on dates every 2-3 weeks.

By the way, I'm not caucasian, I'm Vietnamese-chinese born in Britain, 21 years old and in my final year of uni. He's a 24 year old trainee accountant.

Wait.... is he middle-eastern and you are caucasian? If so, this is a deadly combo. Middle-eastern men are notoriously inconsiderate towards white women, yet they prefer to date them as trophies.
Behind closed doors, these men don't respect white women. You are not introduced to his parents because he never viewed you as his future mate. Think back and see if you recall how
nice he was to you, yet he did things contrary to his "niceness".

When i think back at it, the only thing he ever was was nice to me, apart from when I would bring up the issue of him telling his parents and he would become very defensive and tell me that his mother wasn't ready to know yet, and to please give it some time.

I really feeling that maybe I should've been more patient.. it was really special, what we had, and whenever we were together we got on so well and he made me laugh so much.

If you find someone like this, is it worth waiting for? If you had such a connection with someone, would you see where it goes? or cut your losses under the idea that it may not work? Maybe I should open up communication with him again and see if we could clarify the position better?

[vashti]

I have several friends that are middle eastern, married to caucasian women, and their men treat them nicely. I don't think THAT is the issue. I just think that regardless of where you DO come from (red), you aren't Arab. Your boyfriend probably doesn't care, but his family probably would. You should just ASK him straight up, and then take his reply seriously.

[xxazurexx]

I have to admit and I've mentioned this in other threads here, the Mid Eastern guy I know treated me with a lot of respect also. I was treated far better than any white guy has treated me and I was the centre of his attention at all times and recieved attention I had never been used too. I don't think he viewed me as just a trophy either because I knew him 2 years. Despite the many differences, we also had so much in common and were totally on the same wavelength. I would find it hard to believe that behind closed doors, he viewed me like a piece of trash. But I know that given a choice, he'd have gone with what his family wanted. His family are strict. In fact he'd already been married to a bride who was picked for him when he was only 18, which is why I'm surprised your guy is still single at 24? The guy in my situation was born in England.

But I agree with Vashti. It doesn't matter which race you are from . If you are not Mid Eastern and Muslim, you will be frowned upon. Some and if they are not so closed minded might overlook your colour, but they won't overlook your religion.

Funnily enough though and in the Q'ran, it says that Muslims can marry either Christians or Jews. To marry from any other religion is totally forbidden.
Yet still, the majority want their sons to marry from their own race, culture and keep within their own religion.

[NeoSam]

simple fact: His family want him to have an arab wife, But he might not, But at the end he will go with the family's decision.

and its not all about religion as others say, it about culture, language (he wants his kids to learn to speak arabic), he wants his family to aprove of his wife.

[xxazurexx]

simple fact: His family want him to have an arab wife, But he might not, But at the end he will go with the family's decision.

and its not all about religion as others say, it about culture, language (he wants his kids to learn to speak arabic), he wants his family to aprove of his wife.

Well the Muslim guy I knew, reckoned it was all about religion. I didn't form that opinion from 'thin air' but from actually being involved with a guy from that culture.
His children being brought up as Muslims was another priority for him. He never mentioned language and being he resided in England, learning English would be a good thing also. What is the point is speaking Arabic, in a European country??
As for him wanting his family to approve of his wife, his wife is approved of and by his family first....he doesn't pick her, they do.

[elphie]

in the words of liz lemon, that's a "deal breaker." it sounds like you should move on and cut your losses; three years is a long time to be together, and if he is so traditional that he can't tell his parents about you, that just seems like a recipe for disaster. there are so many guys out there, you're probably better off finding someone with values closer to your own, who can appreciate you for you, and incorporate you into his life, rather than keeping you a "big" secret.