Living apart, buy staying together?

[NewStart]

Hello Loveforum!

I am married, but my wife moved into her own place. She says she wants to stay together (relationship wise) but live apart. This is mainly due to the fact that she does not feel ready to be a parent to my son (from my first marriage). I have Googled the idea of living apart together (apparently it's a growing phenomenon in Europe), but I am not sure if I can handle the heartache of thinking she will not be living here.

I love her, but I wonder if I need to be strong and tell her it's over. I know this answer can only be found by searching my own heart, but by posting my story I hope to get some objective feedback from others.

Have you ever heard of a situation like this working out?

Should I just make a new start and move on?

I am feeling a bit down on myself, as I did not plan to be twice divorced before I turned 40!

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to any honest replies.

[Jas_mine]

I thought marriage was about sharing and compromise amongst other things, as are most relationships. She knew exactly what she was getting into before she married you, in relation to your child. So she has stated she is not ready to be a parent to your child, make it clear that you don't expect her to be a mother to your child as he already has one but that she should at least try and involve herself in his life, I mean she should naturally be interested him, he became a part of her immediate family when she agreed to marry you. How has she interacted with him before? I don't know, this is a tough one - you can take her statement as that of an unready and scared woman or that of a selfish one. She was aware of the entire situation from the word go so she has very little excuses for her behaviour.

I don't think you should be hasty with divorce. You need to discuss her reasoning further. I admit it is strange for you not to be living under the same roof with your wife, it is an extreme action on her part, try and figure out what she is apprehensive about, whether you can overcome these obstacles, however if she can ultimately never accept your son then your relationship is indefinitely doomed.

[NewStart]

Thanks Jas_mine for your quick reply! You raise very valid points. She has always been civil with my son, yet never truly loving. She knows that she did not want kids of her own when we first met, so she knew it would be a challenge to be a step-parent.

We have gone to marital counseling in the past, and the issue always comes back to the relationship between my wife and my son. When he is here (weekends), she makes (made, past tense) herself scarce and fills her time with anything that does not involve spending time with us.

I also agree that we should not rush into divorce, as we do love each other. Your last line really hit home. She does have to accept my son, or we do not have a future together. I suppose my hope is that she'll get this out of her system, and realize that relationships do involve compromise on both sides.

[Jas_mine]

Your son only visits on weekends yet she has removed herself from the marital home permanently - what is the problem during the week? If she has such a huge issue with kids she should not have embarked upon a relationship with you, let alone a marriage. It's not like she entered the relationship blindly. It's extremely worrying if she refuses to even make an effort with your child - she sounds rather selfish, stubborn and immature. Especially if she believes your marriage can still be maintained in such a way.

I am sorry you have to experience such a tough situation, I hope for your sake she sees sense very soon otherwise you really have no choice. Maybe you should have a firm talk with her and issue an ultimatum. It just appears like she loves herself and her freedom more than you - true love is unconditional, you do things that will make the other person happy and this in turn makes you happy, there seems to be no sacrifice on her part. It's quite sad that you actually have to ask her to spend time with your son, as your wife she should just naturally be willing and more than eager to do this, her refusal to spend time as a family unit or even reside as a family speak volumes in itself.

[NewStart]

Thanks once again for your insight. I had a close friend over last night (she has kids too) and we talked for quite a while about my situation. The fresh perspective of someone who is not immediately impacted helps so much! My son just woke up, so I'm going to go have breakfast with him.

You have given me lots to ponder, and I will post more later.

[NewStart]

My wife came for a visit (and to pick up a couple of small items she forgot on moving day) on Sunday. It turned out that my son had a chance to see his mom (Mother's Day), so it was a good opportunity for us to communicate as adults. At first it was a bit awkward. We were happy to see each other, but not really sure how we'd relate now that we're separated.

We chatted a bit, then cuddled and kissed . . .

Needless to say, we rediscovered our spark and then had a good long chat. She was very forward about her situation. She said that she's been feeling lonely and confused, but she is not sure whether she's missing me, or just missing living with someone. She also said that she does not know if she is in love with me. To clarify: She knows she loves me, but is not clear whether she's "in love".

It was my turn to tell her how I am feeling. I told her that my son is very happy (and that she should not worry about him). I also said that if she wanted to come back right now, I would not want her to come back (yet). I told her that the only way we can live together again (if that is what both of us want) is for her to get counseling and get to the bottom of the issues she has regarding step-parenting and the commitments and compromises that come along with an adult, monogamous relationship.

She was fairly shocked by this news. I suppose she thought I'd be begging her to return. I did not tell her those things to be mean, I just wanted her to know how I feel.

I have had the epiphany that it is possible to be happy and be lonely (some of the time). It is more important to me to be present for my son, and live a life pursuing the things I value (friendship, health, spirituality) than to settle for being married to someone who is not 100% committed.

I am feeling strong, and I start counseling on Friday. Thanks again for the replies, and I welcome any other feedback that you (or anyone else) has to offer.

[SirWagginston]

It sounds like you're being responsible, to me.

[vashti]

With all due respect to the people who want to make your wife the villain, there is no way that anyone without kids can have any idea what it's like to be a step parent. Frankly, even people WITH children have a hard time working it out. That's why the divorce rate is so much higher with remarriages. It isn't something you walk in to with a complete understanding of how it will work, and it is MUCH more difficult than dealing with your own children.

Quite frankly, you should have paid attention to the fact that she didn't even want her own children. This is obviously a woman who doesn't feel a maternal urge, and as such, was probably a poor choice in partners on your part.

It's good you go for some counseling; it might help, but I wouldn't be holding my breath if I were you. And I also wouldn't expect her to have genuinely warm feelings for your child (though of course, that would be optimal). If she is kind, that is about he most you can realistically expect. Perhaps your expectations need to be rethought?

[girl68]

WHY the hell did you get married if she didn't want to become a family with you AND your son?

[LailaK]

I'd think it would be hard to jump into a marriage and instantly be a parent. Maybe give her some time and try to be understanding. If you love each other you'll make temporary sacrifices (like not living together and committing to counseling) and do everything you can to make it work.

I do agree with girl68 though. You guys should have discussed the family issue at length before getting married.

[NewStart]

WHY the hell did you get married if she didn't want to become a family with you AND your son?

The irony of this is that somehow I thought that getting married would solidify the bond. As though my son would start calling her step mom rather than "my dad's girlfriend". Truth be told, my last relationship (after my first marriage) lasted three years and I ended it due to the fact that she wanted her own kid (she was GREAT with my son). I do appreciate the responses, even if they aren't what I might want to hear.

This is the tough part: if you have a kid, only other parents can fully understand you. I am hoping for something that doesn't exist, a woman who loves my son, but does not want any kids of her own.

To add some more background, I had a vasectomy two years ago, as I KNOW I don't want to father any more children. Yes, this makes things extremely complicated. A partner who would love my son and help me raise him is most likely someone who would want a child of her own. I am open to being with a woman who has kids from a previous relationship (as long as they get along with my son).

I am a bit torn about how to deal with the current relationship. In my heart, I know it's doomed. I am undecided whether to treat this separation like we're down-shifting to 'dating' again (see each other basically to hang out and get intimate), or if I should step up and say, "This is headed nowhere. We should get a separation agreement while we're still civil with each other and get a divorce as soon as humanly possible."

The age issue is also a factor. I'm eight years older than her. I did my partying and philandering during my twenties, and she has always walked the straight and narrow path of the 'good girl'. I think the best thing I can do for her (I do love her!) is to set her free to live the life she wants to live, without all the drudgery of child-raising and being married to a mellowing guy in his late thirties.

There might be someone in the world who would be a match for me, but for now I need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and be the best father I can be to my son.

[lahnnabell]

The irony of this is that somehow I thought that getting married would solidify the bond. As though my son would start calling her step mom rather than "my dad's girlfriend".

Too many people have this notion that the basic act of committing to someone through marriage is this instant fix all to certain problems that exist BEFORE the marriage. I've talked to several former male high school classmates who are seriously dating girls right now and very steadily inching toward marriage. But they don't talk about it like it's what they want; they talk about it in terms of eventuality.

"Eventually, it'll be time to pop that question." Makes me feel sorry for those ladies. I'd hate to somehow find out that my supposedly very committed boyfriend would sooner jump ship than stay on board for the long haul. Marriage is not a band-aid. It's not a way to "test the waters" of commitment. That's what long-term dating is for. Can't hack that? You shouldn't be getting married.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with Vash, this is a problem that even loving, well-intentioned step parents have trouble with. I think you need to find out if she is really willing to give this a go. Frankly, living apart this way sounds like she is moving in the wrong direction from being a family. But, you married her so no point beating that dead horse.

I would suggest you have a serious talk with her when your son is with his mom. Tell your wife you really don't see things working out if you can't be together as a complete family. Ask her how she sees this working out. Frankly, you son deserves better and there are women who won't dissociate from your son. Anyway, see what pings when you raise the subject. She may bail before you do. Sucks, but better to find out sooner rather than later.

Good luck.

[xxazurexx]

I have Googled the idea of living apart together (apparently it's a growing phenomenon in Europe),

Is it?

Or did you add that part, to make it appear more acceptable?

I think it's an odd situation and I'm unsure what made you marry a woman who can't accept your son and unite and live together as a proper family. I think this is the very first time I have heard of couples being married, but living apart - although I'm sure it exists, but not that common.

The whole scenario would not be acceptable to me. If you want me, then my daughter comes as part of the package also. If you can't accept that...goodbye.

[NewStart]

Yeah, the emotions are running high right now . . .

I have made myself the commitment that I will not base my decision on fear:
I will not stay together based on the fear of being alone.
I will also not break it off based on the fear of getting hurt.

I have many thoughts going through my mind, but my heart is telling me this relationship is on its deathbed. Thank you for contributing to the discussion, and I will carry these ideas into my counseling session tomorrow. I am not going to focus on a forensic analysis of the past; I want to focus on where I am now, and where I go from here.