To Wait Or Not To Wait?

[Saga]

This is something I have been wondering for a while. I'm nearly 24 and still a virgin. I am wondering, do you think it's better to wait until marriage or to just go ahead when you feel ready? I'm in a long-term relationship that's had its ups and downs (see my previous posts if you're curious) so I've been hesitant to do it. I guess maybe I've also been kind of brainwashed not only by the media but by some of my friends who have had some bad sexual experiences. I mean, I know that those people aren't me but I still can't help but feel cautious.

On the other hand, I always wonder about couples who DO wait until marriage. I know the definition of "waiting" can vary from nothing sexual and not even spending the night together to just about everything but actual intercourse. I wonder about the people who do NOTHING until marriage. Is it amazing or is it a big letdown? Lol. I don't understand how you can even know if you're sexually compatible if you don't even try anything with your partner.

So I guess I'm basically just looking for different opinions from people in all situations

[Karmartia]

I think that if you feel you're ready, and aren't a devout Catholic, go for it. Take precautions, however. You don't want to end up pregnant or sick. Sex is only a let down if you build it up in your mind as some kind of magical, transcendant experience. While for some it can be just that, it's only rarely that way the first time. You are absolutely right in that you cannot know if you are sexually compatible unless you actually have sex. Even then, it may take some time before you can really begin to enjoy each others bodies. If you love your partner you will find a way to make the sex work as an expression of your love for each other. You're 23, time's a-wasting.

[Incognito]

Hmmm, what an oportunity to share my seemingly rare experience of getting married BEFORE having sex with anyone. Ok, first sex usually isn't what you envision it to be the first time you have it. It isn't like what you see on a porn flick. My first time on my honeymoon was woefully disappointing and I didn't even have an orgasm. I remained a virgin for moral reasons, but it did "hurt" me in a way. I am now married to a woman who has no sex drive whatsoever. I haven't had sex since christmas time and it is making me care less and less about my marriage. Had I ignored my moral stance and engaged her sexually before getting married I might have realized that she has zero sex drive, and that she has NO sexual imagination. Its a hard decision to make, morals or sexual compatibility, but its what you have to decide. You could end up marrying a woman who has no sex drive too. Once your marriage fails (which certainly seems to be the direction mine is headed in) you can divorce and lose half of your belongings, and possibly be stuck paying alimony and/or child support. Take from my experience what you will, but my situation is an example of what can happen.

[VanessaFR]

I for one didn't care to wait. I just don't see the point. I had a friend in high school who put it like this: Would you buy a car without giving it a testdrive first?

And I think the post above mine describes very well what waiting can mean. Sexual compatibility is one of the most important things in a relationship to keep it interesting - that's my opinion.
And also think about this: Who are you trying to make happy by waiting? Yourself? If so, then wait. If anyone else, don't.

[girl68]

I wanted to wait until I was married you know for the whole "one and only" bullshit we'd like to think we believe in. Obviously I didn't wait but I did wait for a good guy to lose it to. I don't regret that. I also learned that we were completely sexually incompatible that was the single biggest reason for the years leading to the breakup.

Basically I think sex is far too important to not know what you're getting into.

But I do not think you should lose it just 'cause. If you're ready and you feel like you won't regret having sex with your current gf do it. If you have your doubts you're not quite ready and there isn't a darn thing wrong with not being ready. BE SAFE should you engage in sex.

[Saga]

Lol...I guess something made you guys think I'm either a man or a lesbian. Maybe the word "partner?" I just used that in place of "b/f or g/f" I'm a straight woman though

Anyway, I appreciate the responses. Incognito, I am sorry to hear about your marriage. Did you two not discuss that area beforehand? I know one of my friends got married last year to her first boyfriend I believe, and she was sooooo naive about sexual stuff, even just talking about stuff with her friends. I haven't asked how things have been in that area because it's really none of my business, but I wondered about that.

My boyfriend and I have done some things, and I think we are pretty compatible, but I guess you kind of need to go all the way to really know. I do know I have a very high drive though, and he does too. I think the most important thing is to at least experience SOMETHING sexual before marriage, even if it's not sex itself. Then again, would you just sit in that car, rev up the engine, and leave it in park as it idles? That's no fun =P

I know this is one of those questions that really can't be answered. I'm just curious to see where different people stand on the issue.

[Incognito]

I think the most important thing is to at least experience SOMETHING sexual before marriage, even if it's not sex itself.

Did that and it still got me where I am today. That was one of the reasons why we didn't discuss in depth about our sexuality, I assumed......and wrongfully. Doh...

[blondy2]

Well, you've waited this long, why give it up now? Is this why you've had ups and downs in your relationship? I don't know, you don't want to regret anything at all, you'll have to give this issue some major thought. If you could do me a favor and check out my post, I would surely appreciate it, I need all the advice I can get. Thanks! Love Advice "Blondy2"

[Incognito]

You'll need to pot the title of the thread or post a link to it.

[Olderandwiser49]

Provided it's with someone you care about, and a person you think will take his time with you, I think that you should have sex before marriage. The wedding itself is stressful enough without the worry of what happens later that night.

[electricity]

Ultimately it's a personal choice. You can listen to other people's stories and opinions, but in the end you're the one who's going to have to decide what's right for you.

I thought about it very seriously and asked myself several questions before making my decision. A couple key questions were:

1. Do I want this for me, and not just because he wants it?
2. If for whatever reason I decided I wanted to stop, would he respect that?
3. Could I see myself spending the rest of my life with him?
4. Even if we eventually break up, will I regret having sex with him?
5. Will he be discrete and keep it to himself - especially if we break up some day?

And something to keep in mind - if you decide to go through with it, that's it. You'll no longer be a virgin. Are you OK with that? On the other hand if you say no, you can always reconsider later. This might be the guy you marry - there should be no rush. Only go through with it if you're absolutely certain.

[iHEARTu]

well... im pretty young and i've already done it... so... why wait till marriage? Unless you're one of the people who think you "give" a part of yourself when having sex? :s though i kinda think that too i do it cause i love him and i want to make him feel as best as i can. (: but if you think he might leave you or something then dont even start going there. even if you do love him. :/ but indeed. decision is yours really. have fun and good luckk

[melrose]

depends on your feeling, guy~~~~ its wont hurt anythiing.

[PussyCatDoll]

If you've waited this long, might as well hold on that little bit longer
are you planning to get married soon?

[Mard]

you are in a much better position then me, i am 27 and i have never even touched a girl in my life, atleast you are in a relationship and i am not gay at all, infact i know i have a very strong sex drive