Is it over, or does she just need space?

[wholenote]

I had been happily seeing a woman from work for about 2 months, until a couple weeks ago when she suddenly said she couldn't deal with any dating right now. Said it wasn't anything I did wrong, and it's not because of another guy. I really didn't see this coming! I was really shook up---

I've tried to puzzle this one out: Before taking this job, she had been on sabbatical for several months, just kind of laying low. All of a sudden, she gets a stressful new job, gets a new car, finds a new apartment, starts seeing a new guy (me), and--- it all got a little overwhelming for her. She wants to take care of herself for awhile.

BTW, we don't work together, and in fact wouldn't really even see each other at all at work if we hadn't been making the effort to do so. We've also managed to stay out of the gossip quagmire so far. We didn't historically associate our relationship with work, but I fear that she now does, as work has become the prime source of her stress, and that's where she met me.

In addition to the romance, we had been instant, natural and great friends. When she announced she needed to back off, she backed away from the friendship, too. This crushed me as much or possibly more, at first, than the romantic part ending... After a couple of long talks (likely a bit of torture for her) and a "love letter" of sorts from me, our friendship is mostly back on track-- although only in the context of lunchtime at work (no hanging out after work or on weekends). She remains apathetic about any further relationship, although she reiterated that it was nothing I did, there's no one else, and she would even be sad/jealous if I were to actively start seeing someone else... Hmmm...

I'm currently taking her at her word, and simply trying to be the best friend I can be and give her the space she needs. I don't bombard her with calls, emails, or visits. It is painful for me, though, especially on weekends and other times we used to hang out.

I'm not sure at what point I should take care of myself and stop hoping that she'll come around... Heck, I'm not sure I even *can* stop hoping yet! And when we do get together as friends (lunch or whatever) we're so darn good together, but she just can't even seem to process it right now... I realize she could just be trying (in a really round-about way) to end it for good, but given what we used to have, and what she's actually said, it's easy to believe that she might come back in time.

Any thoughts? I don't really feel like looking elsewhere for friendship or anything else right now--- I really was falling in love with her, and I'm not inclined to simply give up! But it hurts just trying to be patient!

Thanks for reading...

[sleepy]

mmmm;

first; thanks for well-written post. cool. second - i think she owes you an explanantion but you may not receive it. my sense is that you have lost all power in this relationship and need to reclaim some. if she desires space, in a strange way the best thing for you to do is give her some.

don't contact her. let her come back aqnd explain herself. meanwhile, develop other interests, both romantic and otherwise - you're too focused on someone too flaky right now.

don't get me wrong - 'the chase' rocks - but you're devaluing yourself by being too focused on her, imo. so be patient; wait; but do you're own thing while you do. *waiting should not mean paralysis.*

jmho

[sfalexi]

I agree 100% with Sleepy.

[TheRealPsiPhi]

I feel for ya bud. Hope it all works out for the both of us.

[wholenote]

Thank you for the great reply, Sleepy, and the encouragement from everyone else! That pretty much jives with what I'm feeling/planning to do... I guess this kind of experience is why someone first said, "If you love something, let it go..." (That person seriously needs to be slapped--- Just kidding!)

I took the holiday week off of work and spent some time with friends. I've missed her terribly, but what can you do... So, I'm just going to head into work on Monday, and hope that this past week was a good start for her in having some space. The worst thing that can happen is to find out she didn't really miss me and really enjoyed the time away! (ugh!)

[sfalexi]

Wholenote,

You a musician? What do you play?

[wholenote]

Well, I've been playing the violin for the past few days... Sorry, couldn't resist. Gallows humor.

I play keyboards, but only in support of my composition work, which I do for a living... an "arrangers keyboardist" I believe it's called.

[sfalexi]

Awesome man. Doing allright or are you another testimony to the "starving musician" phrase?

[wholenote]

I'm doing allright... I starved for awhile a few years ago, and I'm highly motivated not to return to that.

[sfalexi]

lol.

I starved for awhile a few years ago, and I'm highly motivated not to return to that.

I think that's a good philosophy . . .

Myself, as it says under my forum name, I play clarinet. I have a very good, stable parttime job and so want to play on the side for a little extra cash here or there. Although I do need a lot more work before getting to that point.

Rod Steele

[zukguy]

Ya I know what you are feeling, you just have that hope that you will get back with her but you just have that deep down feeling that that may just be a very unrealistic hope and you just don't want to be let down.

Hope it all turns out well and keep us up to date.

[wholenote]

Thanks, Zuk--- I will. She's worth hangin' for awhile and seeing if, when she's ready for love in her life again, I will still be the focus... In the meantime, she's one of my best friends, and that's worth sticking around for, too.

I don't want to be let down, but I'm not sorry for trying!!!

I just have to follow Sleepy's advice and not let myself become paralyzed in the course of waiting. Gotta take care of my own heart first, or I'll be pretty useless to everyone!

(I keep hearing in my mind that airline safety video: 'adjust your own air mask before helping someone else with theirs...')

[wholenote]

Back to work today after about 10 days away from the aforementioned object of my affections...

Saw her straight away this morning, and got a big hug, and we went out to lunch... Got along like a house on fire, as they say... She made reference even to a great time we had had in Vegas together several weeks ago. But at any slight hint of future get-togethers outside of work, I get the blank stare. Again, it's not exactly a 'normal' rejection, more like apathy.

I pretty much stayed away from the subject, but it's hard to do that when we're hanging out. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're spending some time together, but it's so strange to edit everything I say and do.

I'm not convinced she even realizes how stressful this is to me. I think she kind of projects her own apathy on me, and doesn't really understand how much emotion I'm going through when we're together.

Oh well, tomorrow's another day...

[turbomx3]

Ok I'm feeling the first thread so maybe you guys can give me some advice on this problem:

I met this girl in a night club and straight away we hit it off, we got on really well we had our ups and downs and everything else but after two and a half years she just called me one day and said that it was over and that she didn't love me.

Here’s some background:

Her parents moved to Thailand when she started Uni 2 years ago and that was fine we saw each other pretty much every week (I used to drive over to see her). I used to put 100% of my love into the relationship and I’d still try and squeeze a bit more in.

After her folks left she got distant we talked about it and she understood and continually said that things will be better especially after Uni. During the second year things got ropey due to her doing her Uni thing which I chilled out with, I mean when you love someone you compromise I wanted to see her more but she had work to do and wanted to hang with friends.

During this time she was going away to Thailand to visit her parents which although I didn't like (as every holiday she got she was gone my birthday, xmas, new years, her birthday) I understood (their parents so of course she's going to want to see them). Then into her third year it was coming up to her birthday so I arranged a trip to Paris (Yes I paid) initially she whinged as she wanted me to change the date so that she could go and watch her friends do Jujitsu! The plans didn't change and we went to Paris she constantly said how much she loved me and always will.

A week later I got a call, I could tell from her tone that something was wrong and she just said that it wasn't working and that we should split as she doesn't love me anymore. I hung up the phone had a cigarette then called her there was no reply so I jumped into my car and drove to see her (not forgetting this is a 1 1/2hr drive) when I saw her she was crying and saying not yet she said that she wished she had met me after uni! I asked her if there was a snowball chance in hell of us getting back together even after Uni she didn’t answer but she did programme my phone to call her in August.

She wants to be friends as I always said we were best friends as well as lovers but I'm not sure. After 21/2 years I can't just go from total love to being a friend! I don't feel so bad now it's only been a week since she dumped me (friends have been keeping me upright) weekends are bad as that’s when we used to see each other. I tried going out to nightclubs but I just want her back I don’t actually want anyone else. But hey I know that's life she made her choice I can’t change that (oh by the way she did offer to pay me back for Paris).

I really really loved this girl! I mean if love were planets mine would have been a solar system and she would have been the sun. The thing is I realise things were strange as she wanted to hang out with friends Mon, Tues, Wed, Thur & Fri and do work at the weekend which meant she couldn't see me. But that was not her reason it was because she didn't love me anymore and she didn't feel excited when I came over anymore!

As I said she wants to be friends as I'm her first real love but I can't do it....No I don't want to be just a friend I have to be true to myself but it's a hard choice to make I wrote her a text saying that I don’t want to be friends and I’m going to give her the text on Sunday when I drop her clothes off! But I’m thinking should I wait and hope she wants me back (that doesn't usually happen when you fall out of love) or should I just be happy with being friends( I don't want to be just friends).

If you want I can type my text if anyone wants to read it and advise if I’m being harsh. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

P.s. she is still receiving hallmark cards from me and I know she still reads them which is also hard as those are a window to my heart and soul telling her how I feel! I also spoke to her yesterday and she started crying as she thought I was over her. I don’t want to hurt her but like her I have to do what’s best for me now especially if there is no us!

Also for all the ladies out there how does someone just fall out of love? I don’t get it if the person your with is perfect why lose that perfection is it fear? I just don’t get it. I’m stronger now as I refuse to le5t anyone destroy my spirit but I don’t want to love again which is the worst part as I have so much love to give!

[wholenote]

I think there's more going on than she's willing to tell you right now. In my woman's case, I think it's depression and a loss of control issue in her life. In your case, who knows?

Going off to school is a huge change in someone's life, and there's a thousand ways that can mess with a pre-existing relationship.

Many of these things can be painful to you, but clearly it already is, even without knowing the details. I think you're doing the right thing in hanging with your friends and propping up on their support.

If you talk to her, don't lash out in anger, but definately let her know that you're hurting and need to talk it through. She may refuse, in which case, you should probably cut your losses and stick with your friends and recover from this. If she'll talk, then try to find out what is weighing her down at school (or in her life outside of school) and offer your support.

In any case, take care of yourself first.