conundrum

[tidydarts]

hello all and thank you for reading this - it will be quite long but as with all love relationships, it's not always succinct and straightfoward!

i was with a girlfriend for nearly 3 years and then met someone in work last summer (cliche, i know) with whom i built a substantive connection and felt both simultaneously free and nervous around - i'm 36 and whilst have had several long-term relationships in the past (no children), this overarching sensation was something i've never felt previosly - i identified that it wasn't "lust" early on but was something that was formed around wanting to nurture and care for this person in a way i've never experienced before.

she was in what i could clearly see was a non-functioning relationship - she is from poland (i'm british) and arrived in this country to build a new life 4 years ago - a life which didn't materialize with her compatriot boyfriend in a way she envisaged - i fininshed with my girlfriend and then asked this girl out- who was tentative at first but eventually agreed and once we started going out, it was electric - maybe because both of us were on a "re-bound" but it was based on something more real than that - or at least at the time i thought - we went out for 2 months, before she stated she wanted space. a week before she had stated she had never felt happier in her life. anyway, i was distraught and initially did the classic thing of asking what went wrong etc instead of giving her some space. after working out that this wasn't the best approach, i backed off a bit and slowly but surely we connected again (we saw each other nearly every day in work) and the flirtng/talking etc started again. at the same time my ex-girlfriend had returned to brazil over christmas and i kept in contact with her after me and the new person had spilt up - maybe selfishly because i knew she loved me unconditiionally and i could talk with her. in february of this year i was moving house and the person who broke things off offered to come around to help me with cleaning and packing - this was one of the few times she was pro-active and we then slept in bed together in my last night in my old house. we then started to go out - again tentatively at first. at about the same time my ex-girlfriend returned from brazil and we met up a couple of times and were intimate once. i didn't overly regret it at the time as things were a little tentative with the other person. however the new relationship then started getting really close again - making love in a way i've never with anybody else and all that initial tentativeness melted away. she then started stating that she will be happy with me for a hundred years and started talking about children and marraige. the one issue that then arose is that when we were speaking on the phone, there were a few times before we finished chatting that she would say "baby" i would the respond and then there would be a pregnant pause and then she would say "you're very important for me" - i knew that she was trying to say she loves me but couldn't bring herself to say it (she said it numerous times the first time around) she also didn't hang up when the conversation finished a couple of times. this threw me and one night we were making love and i stopped because of this and said why do you want to make love to me when you can't say you love me? - this probably looks needy and a little insecure - i have to say that i've never had this issue previously with other women but for some reason, in this relationship it feels extremely important. i'm usually pretty confident with women and relationships but the history of this relationship has thrown me. the next day (after going out with her for coffee etc) i arranged to meet my ex-girlfriend to talk and be with someone who i knew where i stood with, without being intimate. the other person suspected this and asked me several times but i lied about it (i've never done this before either) the next few days were a bit stretched with her but we slowly got over it and the day before good friday i decided we would go on a ranodm visit to brighton for the evening - her mum was coming over for Easter so we wouldn't be together for a few days- my ex-girlfriend called whislt i was driving and essentailly it all came to head and i told the gril i had started going out with again that i slept with my ex once after we had started to go out again but before we started being physically close again. unsurprisinigly she said okay, we're finished and the drive back home was terrrible. we didn't speak for a while. i sent her a letter of apology in relation to my actions and gave no excuses - it was my active decision to do what happened with my ex . i spoke to her in work and she said she hated me, but at the same time understood everything.

today, we spoke again in work, in a lot more friendly way. i walked past her once and she said where are you going -come here and we talked openly and in a friendly way again. i explained everything i was feeling at the time in terms of what happened - she essentially asked why i didn't talk about it at the time and that she still hates me- although without any hate or malice in her voice this time around but also said she doesn't believe me when i state that i haven't been to see my ex-girlfriend - which is true.

i've come to the conclusion that the feelings i have for her are something i've never experienced previously and i stated these to her in a positive way in the letter i sent whilst also stating i know how much i've hurt her. essentailly i've taken full responsibilty for my actions but also understand that she understands that the way i've acted is partly based on how our relationship has faltered and progressed - i know i will never do this again as the hurt i've caused her, me and my ex-girlfriend is something i never want to re-create in my life.

i did a simple thing of giving her a book today in relation to her learning to drive - how else do i try to prove thather that she is someone i want to spend my life with?

[xxazurexx]

I might be able to understand what you say better, if you added capital letters where they are meant to be and used paragraphs

[tidydarts]

will get the caps lock button fixed soon!

[xxazurexx]

I think that it's gonna take more than giving her a book, to prove to her that it's her you really want.

You keep on talking about these feelings you have for her. How they are different and how they are feelings you have never experienced before.

Yet oddly enough, these strong feelings that you have never experienced before, didn't keep you from jumping back into bed with your ex, when instead you could have used that energy on trying to work things out with the Polish girl.

I also don't think it's fair that you used your ex and when things went wrong with the Polish one. Then from the ex, back to the Polish one.

I think you got a lot of making up to do and it's not gonna be easy to convince this girl, that it's her you really want.

I know I'd take a lot of convincing anyway

[tidydarts]

I Totally accept the criticism about re-establishing contact with my ex-girlfriend - this was selfish on my part in that I knew she still has strong feelings for me. The feelings I have for the polish girl are so intense that I really was distraught the first time she needed space - I've never had this happen before and I would imagine in most cases people will go - okay whatever. But this is the opposite of what I was feeling - I really was at a loss to understand it. All she kept saying was that she knows she will be happy with me but is scared and really wouldn't talk about it too much beyond that - when we started going out again, as I said it was a little tentative and I wasn't feeling much coming from her (even though she initiated us getting back together) so felt the same pattern was repeating itself again. Anyway, to cut it short, I know who I really want but I don't want to buy expensive gifts or go overboard. - her ex boyfriend did this when she split up from him before and she stated she felt like she gave in. I dud buy her an expensive watch over Christmas but returned it back stating it was inappropriate so I don't want to down that road again

[Gigabitch]

I understand that you're sincere, but if I were either one of these girls, I'd write you off as a flake.

[xxazurexx]

Fact remains, you slept with your ex.

Any guy who declared strong feelings for me, yet who slept with his ex and whether we were together or not, I'd be dubious of and I wouldn't trust a word he said. You see, when I've had strong feelings for someone in the past and the relationship ended, the last thing I ever did or contemplated doing, was jumping someone else bones. I was way too hurt and to ever consider, sleeping with someone else.
So in my view and because you were able to sleep with your ex, I would be thinking that you couldn't have cared about me, in the way you said you did.
I wouldn't be able to trust you again, or take you seriously ever again.

However, you are asking how you can show this girl, that you are in fact serious about her.

I guess by continuing to do what you were and are doing......only keep out of your exes bed!!!

[tidydarts]

Thanks everyone thus far for the honest advice. One thing I've learnt is not to buy material things for her. What I have done in the last few days is obviously definitively finished things with my ex - I also went to see a psychotherapist for the first time in my life yesterday - the polish girl and I are due to meet tomorrow and I will tell her the above as well as state that I've created the hurt and it is my responsibility to take it away - somebody has advised me for her to write it all down and then burn it - I will also give her the passcode to my phone and talk with her openly and honestly. I know thisay take some time - should I suggest that we go away for a few days?

[xxazurexx]

Thanks everyone thus far for the honest advice. One thing I've learnt is not to buy material things for her. What I have done in the last few days is obviously definitively finished things with my ex - I also went to see a psychotherapist for the first time in my life yesterday - the polish girl and I are due to meet tomorrow and I will tell her the above as well as state that I've created the hurt and it is my responsibility to take it away - somebody has advised me for her to write it all down and then burn it - I will also give her the passcode to my phone and talk with her openly and honestly. I know thisay take some time - should I suggest that we go away for a few days?

Well yeah. Going away together sounds a good idea. Give you both time alone, get to know each so much better and talk about things

[tidydarts]

will try going down the going away route - i mentioned it, to a lukewarm response, although we heartily laughed when i suggested we go to a pub called the moon under water as she's said before that i take her to the moon and back. we met up on Thursday to talk through everything and i stated to her that i want to marry her. we ended the evening holding each other in a park, i didn't kiss her, instead kissed her on the cheek as she has a big problem with a tooth infection. she also said that the day previously she thought she could never forgive me, but now states that she wants to. as usual, she came up with a curveball statement along the lines of i've just taken out life insurance so you will get £xxx thousand if i die! (she has a habit of saying random things like this) and also stated that she is happy with me (in the present tense) we're meeting up again tomorrow - i know this is a delicate situation in terms of re-building trust and will take time - apart from going down buying the extravagant gifts route, what ways are there to show she is the one i want to be with. we've talked about marriage previously, is it too delicate/early to formally propose?