Getting dumped by girlfriend, am I being a fool?

[RedLion]

I just getting dumped by my girlfriend. Here is why, she is past her 35 and she kept asking me to marry her ( I am 36 myself). But I just could not say yes to her because I just feel I am not ready for the commitment. She said she can't wait for me any longer and need to move on. I don't really know why I just can't say yes, because she is a great person who has many positive attributes. I guess maybe it is a combination of my immaturity and the thinking that maybe there is someone better for me out there, (that is an immature part of me as well). I've been trying to convince myself that life is short and if you miss this opportunity then you will be too old to start a family which I really want. I tried and I tried but I still fails, I cannot lie and so I told her I am not ready. She said goodbye.

Now I am in this stage where I reflect upon myself, am I being foolish to let a golden opportunity slides? But at the same time when I was there, I just have this feeling that she is not really the one for me. Well, another thought is that we can never find someone perfect, and am I being a fool here?

[Gigabitch]

If it were right, you wouldn't have these reservations. No one should be pushed into marriage, and if you're not ready, you're not ready. Later, you'll look at this and see that she wasn't the right one for you.

[VanessaFR]

If it were right, you wouldn't have these reservations. No one should be pushed into marriage, and if you're not ready, you're not ready. Later, you'll look at this and see that she wasn't the right one for you.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Keep your chin up and don't give in when it comes to matters as important as getting married!

[vashti]

You may indeed be a fool... but if you aren't feeling it, you just aren't. How long did you date?

[RedLion]

We'd been together for about 1.5 years. I know that I probably should not keep her for that long, but doubts rose along as I thought that she was a really good girl so I should try harder to make sense of our relationship. But again, maybe I didn't do the best of soul searching I could possibly do. Even now I still think that maybe God gives her for me and I didn't listen to him enough. But enough rationalizing now, I am out of this already.

[mrman256]

1.5 years isn't that long to know someone before you marry them. Teenagers have had longer relationships. To me she would be asking a lot you really can't force these things. If your having these doubts it means somewhere down the line it won't work out anyway and you'll be wasting your time. The only way that sort of relationship can live is if your under a mutual agreement that your doing it to achieve what you want in live. And that's hard work and also it doesn't sound very good at all.

[RuntimeError]

This is nuts I am in the same situation! I was dateing a girll for about 3 years and couldn't make the move go get married ... it was always a cycle of when I didn't have her I wanted her and when I had her I didn't want to get married now she has left me for good, haven't talked for a couple months (I have tried contacting her... I feel like I made a mistake but she doesn't want to talk to me).

Why is it when I don't have her I am so depressed and crying in my beer but when I do have her I can't jump in with both feet and get married. I have analyzed this soo much but just don't get it ... the same things go through my head .... did I make a mistake ... what is wrong with me ... she is a great girl ... am I getting too old ... I want a family ... I don't want to start over again ... ??? Seems like we are thinking the same way ... HELP GUYS!!!!

Is it true when you know you know ... isn't there always risk involved and sometime you have to "take a leep of faith"???

[RedLion]

RunTime Error, I am glad that someone out there actually have this very crisis that I have. It is really hard to deal with it, and the way I see it now is that instead of making the environment work for you, it is as much or more so of making yourself work for the environment. I am quite a stubborn person and this is a very time that I really need to let loose of my holdups if I want to create the better of my life (i.e. getting married and have a family).

If you want we can try to work together on this issue, via other means eg. emails etc. I feel I can use some mutual supports.

[cmacattack1]

This is definitely a good time for some serious self reflection. How many people have you lost and let walk out of your life because of your stubborness and immaturity? If it's happening over and over again, guess who is the common denominator. You.

I can certainly sympathize, being somebody that hasn't really ever fallen in love with somebody, or ever felt like I could marry somebody. It's all depends on what you want and what you are looking for. I, now, am looking for something more serious than just a good time. Are you?

There isn't a set timetable for marriages, no rule book or age brackets to give you a decent amount of time. You probably weren't ready and it's good to look at why. You can't really blame her for walking out can you? She's looking for serious commitment and she doesn't have alot of time to do that. If she wants marriage, a family, and kids, at 36, the clock's ticking for her.

Take a little time to figure things out for you.

[RuntimeError]

RedLion ... no worries, I am more then willing to provide you support and give you my option on the situation.

I guess what gets me the most is I know my relationship wasn't healthy however I still want it. It is almost like sugar or smokeing ... you know it is bad for you yet you want it anyways? This really irratates me I don't understand why.

When you said that you loved her and that she had some great attributes what is it that she was missing, when you said you might find someone better ... what would someone better have?

I once heard that it is good idea to write down a list of all the things you want in a wife and when you date you look for thoes things. I know for me I have never done this and well I have been fortunate enough to date a few very beautiful woman but although beautiful they didn't have the traits I wanted in a wife. I would date them and not even think about thoes traits and by the 3rd week I did't give a darn I was on cloud 9 with this person and I accepted what ever it was they had to offer ... I was hooked. Heck I am still hooked but when it comes to marriage you have to choose with your head and not only your heart becasue if you don't you will deal with a alot more heart ache. For me it is better I hurt then then when I am 50 and have my old lady leave me and then try starting over again.

The trick to marriage is choosing skillfully.

Alot of guys have cold feet about getting married and with the amount of divorce that happens now days ... what is it 1 in 2 .... I think it is good to be choosey. However there is a differece between being choosy and pick a great loyal wife and "seeing the grass greener on the other side"

[RedLion]

RunTime Error,

It's been several days and I think I still miss her. What I like about her is her sincerity and trustworthiness,as well as her 'innocence' (not in a derogatory way, she is from a conservative family and it's something that tells I can spend the life with her). If there is someone better, it probably be the age thing... she just got clouded so much by it as well as me.

Marriage is a difficult thing indeed.

[xxazurexx]

I'm confused as to why everyone thinks they have to follow the sheep and get married. You DON'T and if you don't want too. Your life is your OWN and to do as and what you please....(within limitations of course). We make our own choices and we do what is best for ourselves and what makes us happy....not what may make someone else happy!!!

If you don't want to marry her, then don't! Because IMO and if you are unsure now, you are gonna regret it later...another divorce statistic.

You don't marry if you are unsure and just to keep someones face straight!!!

Sounds to me that you are thinking of just 'settling'...and that aint a wise thing to do.

[RedLion]

xxazurexx, I know what you are saying. But where do you draw a line where you just shouldn't wind up with this girl or it's your fear of commitment issue? I do admit I have this issue, maybe more so than other people. And I think it has been hindering me from making my own progress.

[xxazurexx]

xxazurexx, I know what you are saying. But where do you draw a line where you just shouldn't wind up with this girl or it's your fear of commitment issue? I do admit I have this issue, maybe more so than other people. And I think it has been hindering me from making my own progress.

I don't buy that there is such a thing as 'committment phobia'

And is proven when a lot of women think they have a 'committment phobe' on their hands, yet when they break up he's marrying someone else 6 months later.

Those perceived to be 'committment phobes' in my opinion, just havn't met the 'right' one/unsure they have met the right one. As your quote below may suggest and when you say "the thinking there may be someone out there better for me"

It's not the 'actual' committment you are afraid of, but the committment to the 'wrong' one you are afraid of.

Just because she's a nice girl with good qualities, doesnt mean shes the 'one' for you.
There are lots of nice girls out there with good qualities.....you need that extra OOooomph, to go the whole mile

I guess maybe it is a combination of my immaturity and the thinking that maybe there is someone better for me out there,