So, met this person....

[Tech]

As some may know, my life has been totally shattered from my previous relationship as she had made a serious false allegation against me, which ended up at the crown court! thankfully, I got found not guilty almost immediately after the trial as everyone knew it was stupid and a false allegation but was the worst months of my life, and also having to deal with my father's passing also!


moving on.....

even though its very hard for me to interact with women these days, given the nature (all about looks, dont care about anyone but themselves, sleep around etc... etc...) i somehow (even though I was seriously grieving for the loss of what I thought was the love of my life, but over time it had faded but still hurts!) managed to meet this lady.

she seems very well educated, attractive, grounded and is a university lecturer. great. finally, someone with brains!

all has been absolutely great, we had alot in common and the way of doing things, thinking things and she felt alot better about herself than before, and very positive and that she REALLY likes me.

im the same with her too. we only just very recently met. I am a person that deals with emotions very well and knows how to control it regardless. I guess depression plays a part too.

anyway, cannot believe that such a women would be interested in me.

just like everyone, I have baggage - last relationship but I never talk about it, or life experiences in general.

just now, I have been TOTALLY put off and felt I was being talked down to that whatever I feel or say is wrong. In this instance, I have a habit normally, like most people, where they like ot say "ah but I have experience of this....." but wont actually explain what it is. The reason I dont is as follows:

1) past should remain in the past
2) you do not know what the other person would think about your experience. in my life, women have always told me to get lost. I always get "I am not the same" but turns out, they are.
3) you dont want to scare them away especially, ESPECIALLY, at the initial stages of a relationship.
4) I would rather be open more so later on in the relationship as you get to know one another, so you have more trust, more faith rather than blurting it all out in the beginning.

so now, I feel sooo let down and so stupid for even expressing how I felt about this person, which she really liked and enjoyed and wanted.
basically, its as if she has given me a good lecture/bollocking because I said or hinted that yes, I have experience (bad experience) and only say it for a reason but wont actually explain (just yet).

now, i have had to litrally listen for 15 minutes without even getting a word in and she said that it annoys her when people hint at something but wont explain it.she said in her own words "that if this is the way you are then you should stop it otherwise you really are f***d up" - wow, i never swear or anything or insult people but then why insult me? what have I done wrong?

I understand but surely you would rather gain more trust before blurting out the past? thats how a relationship should be developed....you be understanding, caring, kind and be there and support them and not just shout or lecture someone and say that they are wrong.

just now, she just said this by text:

"most people have been through some horrible stuff. I dont need you to tell me all about it. its up to you. im quite sure knowing a bit of dark stuff would not make me run away and the suggestion that it would hurts me and insults my integrity. thats why i responded by saying what I did. i hope you understand xx"


1) what about my respect? my cautiousness (is that a word?)? my integrity? my intelligence? my life experience?
2) how about my feelings? its all about her already!
3) you lectured me in saying that I should tell her all of it but then say in this text that she doesnt want me to tell her all about it if I dont want to - mixed messages here.

am I being stupid? of course I have to be cautious, just like anyone else for obvious reasons. im a very positive person which is another reason why she said she has taken to a liking for me..... but if I say the bad experience, that is negitive and she will just think "ah, baggage. right.... what a downer. depressor"

so trying to be professional and generally the better person I try to be, I just sit and listen and disagree with most she has to say and then ended the call after she had steamed out, saying that I have things I need to do an she should focus on what she is doing and that we will catch up later.

she then just rang (20 minutes after) asking if everything is ok..... and doesnt like leaving things on a sour note. but thats not my fault.....
I had to be the better person again and say "yes, its fine and focus on your interview you have....thats more important than anything".

I have never felt so great after my ordeal previously. was SO happy, never thought I would see this in me again because of my past and my ex.... and now.... this

[Gigabitch]

I'm not a fan of hiding things. I don't think it ever really helps and yes, it's off-putting to someone who doesn't think she deserves to be shut out.

I'm with the new girl on this one. You should open up, Tech.

[Tech]

i agree but I will only open up when its later into the relationship - its all about trust. its only been a week since we met!

ive had it before where if I open up, they run off - id rather make them comfortable before really opening up....otherwise, then she would run - id rather not want her to run at this stage.
not only that, I did not like the way she spoke to me regarding the tone and aggressiveness over the phone. im sure you wouldnt.....

can you not see it from my point of view?

[xxazurexx]

I think you made a mistake and when you mentioned to her having something 'bad' from your past. So now you made her curious and naturally, as to what 'bad' thing that is.

If a man told me that there was something from his past, I'd want to lnow what it was too and before I could go further with him.
Let's face it. The man could have murdered someone, be a peadophile, or whatever. I don't wanna go ten months down the road and then find this shit out.....I'd rather know now and then decide if this is a man I want in my life.

When I met my ex H, he too had confessed that there was something in his past, but he wouldn't say what. This was a week into knowing me.
He said he was afraid to tell me, because he was afraid I'd walk out and wouldn't want to know him...
Anyways, he came clean. This big secret was, is that he'd been to jail 3 years prior to us meeting and for getting involved in a fight.

Didn't make an iota of difference to me and because not all people who go to jail or who have done jail, are bad people. He'd just been in the wrong place at the wrong time and was caught up in events. He was not a guy who went out deliberatey looking for trouble, so of course I was prepared to give him that chance.

She won't let this go now I don't think. You have peaked her curiosity and she wants to know what she's gotten herself involved with.

[Tech]

in which case, it means that we all shouldnt have a past then....that we shouldnt be close and intimate, that we shouldnt share.
not my fault if people do not find me physically attractive.
i dont believe in sleeping around and havent done so, then people think im lying about that.
not my fault my ex turned out the way she did.... i didnt do anything so then why must people make this mess for something that is so unnecessarily and totally blown out of proportion?

i guess for some people, they are meant to be left alone their entire life and get abused/beaten by people for being genuine and decent - i.e me.
ok, well just end it later on tonight.

i really feel like i have must some important class or something about relationships that they are essential and if you do not have a passing mark or degree or qualification, that i am not allowed to engage. I seriously feel like ive missed such a class if it exists. ~(yes, im being serious)

thanks

[xxazurexx]

in which case, it means that we all shouldnt have a past then....that we shouldnt be close and intimate, that we shouldnt share.

i guess for some people, they are meant to be left alone their entire life and get abused/beaten by people for being genuine and decent - i.e me.
ok, well just end it later on tonight.

thanks

Not everyone has a past, that they afraid to share. Not everyone has a past, containing a skeleton in the closet....I know I don't.

A lot of people want to know, who they are getting close up and intimate with and especially when you reveal that there is something 'bad' from your past.
That is NATURAL....and there is nothing wrong in being 'cautious' and looking our for ones own interests.

If you had wanted to get close up and intimate with her, then you shouldnt have mentioned this 'bad' thing in your past. You should have waited and until you knew her better.

Now she wants to know, what you have done. I'd want to know too....sorry.

[Tech]

well of course but in due course. surely everyone is like that? where you will mention or hint to give a bit of a heads up and only then would you decide if you want to get involved or not (most dont...which is why i guess there are alot of sleeping arounds going around these days!)

but fair enough, im not allowed to be cautious... i understand. ill just live in my own world

thanks!

[xxazurexx]

well of course but in due course. surely everyone is like that? where you will mention or hint to give a bit of a heads up and only then would you decide if you want to get involved or not (most dont...which is why i guess there are alot of sleeping arounds going around these days!)

but fair enough, im not allowed to be cautious... i understand. ill just live in my own world

thanks!

Well people dont often mention and almost immediatley, if there is something bad in their past do they? Hence the sleep arounds....

You however have hinted there is something bad and have now roused her curiosity.

I'm getting the impression that you are fearful she will run and if you reveal all. More so and because you are only a week into knowing her.

If it's bad enough for her to run now, trust me, she will would've also run in ten months down the line and after being close up and intimate with you.

[Tech]

thanks
yes, im a mistake!. im not perfect as everyone, I know. im sorry. im such a waste

[xxazurexx]

You may as well just tell her. Continuing to hide it, will likely end up in her distancing anyway and because she will think it must be something really, really bad and for you to want to keep it hush.....

I don't see what the deal is anyway. Some woman falsely accused you of something and you were CLEARED in court.....NOT GUILTY!!!

Not like you were convicted and have done a term in jail is it?

[enfant terrible]

I think you should tell her, it's good to have everything out in the open without any "secrets". It will make your connection deeper. Although it does sound a little controlling/bitchy on her part to demand this of you when it's only been a week?! So be careful. And just make sure that she doesnt use that "tone" that you didnt like ever again. If you let her get the upper hand this early on then you're screwed. Demand respect.

[Gigabitch]

If it's too soon to tell her what happened, it's too soon to mention that anything happened at all. To her, it looks like you're playing with her head, and that's annoying as hell.

[blondy2]

Don't waste any more time telling her. Get it out in the open. If you tell her later and she doesn't approve it will be over then. So take a chance and if she accepts you for what you are great and if she doesn't then find a new love, it wasn't meant to be. Remember everything happens for a reason. I don't know about you, but when ever things go bad or not the way I think they should go, I learn a life's lesson. Can you do me a favor and read my post, I really need a man's input. Thanks!! Love Advice Forum "Blondy2"

[RdHrshyKss]

i agree with giga and blondy on this. it seems like the girl's curiosity got the best of her in the beginning and she jumped on it. you not telling her made her even more curious, which led to her getting annoyed when you still refused to tell her. i don't know if it's her trying to control you necessarily, just being a little too honest and direct really early in the relationship, which could be a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. i think the fact that she found the error in her ways and called you back to say that she wants you to tell her when you feel comfortable is a good move on her end. she's trying to earn your trust. since you've already slipped and piqued her interest of this secret of yours, you might as well tell her. i would think at this point, that she will be cautious in becoming really close with you until she knows what your secret is, so waiting won't really do much. if she is a good person, and someone worth your time, you telling her won't affect her feelings towards you. it will get it off your chest, throw it on the table, and make pursuing a relationship with her even more appealing and rewarding...

think of it this way... let's say that you don't tell her, and she sticks around. you guys get really close and you start having some serious feelings for her. i would think at this point it would be become even HARDER for you to tell her. you will become even more worried than you are now that telling her will make her leave. you will have established feelings for her on a much deeper level and it might trigger a habit of not telling her things out of fear of losing her. it will be better for you in the long run to tell her now. get that heap of crap off your shoulders, tell her this secret, this BAD past, and see what happens. if she leaves, yeah it will suck, but at least you won't have wasted months preparing yourself for a serious relationship to get dumped later. just tell her tech, trust us...

[Arx_Fatalis]

why dont you grow a pair and man up, you talk about how she's the best thing ever, stop pittying yourself and just tell her already..jesus