Career Choice Issues

[HeyxLove0x]

Hello everyone,

I have never posted before, but need some advice of people who are non-biased and do not actually know my boyfriend and I. So, here is our "issue." We met back in June of 2008, and in January of 2009 he decided he wanted to change his major to Photography (from Engineering). I was fine with that idea - at first. I had moved in with him and his family in December 2008 due to problems with my family. At first him being a photography major was fine. However, he eventually got SO wrapped up in it and was spending every waking moment doing something with photography. He would go up to the photo lab at school all the time to develop pictures (even ones that weren't needed for class), this lasted until the end of Fall '09, when we finally somewhat talked about it and he changed his major to business, because being a photography major would leave nothing to fall back on if it didn't work out.

So, he is now a business major. However, he is pretty much finally telling me that he is a business major purely for the fact of wanting to become a wedding photographer... for a living. Now, I'm sure many people would think, "Okay... what's the big deal?" My issue is he is OBSESSED with it, he spends every day, all day doing something photography related... although he knows how I feel about it. For awhile he had been lying to me telling me all of this stuff just to make me feel better (i.e. "I'll only shoot 4 weddings a year," "You know, I think you're right and wedding photography is not rally worth it financially," etc.).

My issue is also not necessarily when he would have it established, but more so working up to that point. There is no way he can be shooting 20+ weddings and working another job... because there would be NO time for me or any potential family.

Am I asking to much to want to actually be able to have a "normal" family, where I actually get to see my potential husband and he gets to see his potential children grow up? Is is horrible of me to want him to just do maybe a couple weddings a year, have a "normal" job, and shoot photography as a hobby on the side? It's not like I'm telling him he can never touch a camera, I just cannot be with someone who is spending all of his time without me... I might as just be single of he's going to do it.

Sorry that it's so long... and that's only a quarters of what I really want to say, but you know...

Thanks in advanced!

[sehvral]

Based on what I know of wedding photographers (just from talking to some at friends' weddings) 20 a year is nothing. Really good photogs are doing a wedding every single week. The real question is what the ultimate reason for your concern is. Is it the time, or the money? Wedding photogs have to stay busy to make decent money, and being a freelancer doing weddings on the side *seriously* impacts the number of clients who will consider hiring you.

If he has to work full time, he'll never get himself established. So the question becomes if you two can financially handle the lag period while he is building up his portfolio.

Even doing 52 weddings a year, he'll still be home, seeing you and his kids. But it sounds like your real concern is financial stability. You want him to have a "normal" job in addition to his photog work.

[HeyxLove0x]

It is really both. He promised me that he would only shoot weddings on Saturdays. So, that leaves about 26 days (at least I think that's what he figured out) per year to do an actual shoot. Now, there is also only about 5 or 6 months of the year here that people really get married. So, that cuts it down even more. It wouldn't be an issue if it weren't so time consuming. he would have to meet with everyone, prepare, and do all the post wedding things (albums, color correction, sending the film away, etc.). So, I just don't think it's going to be worth it to me at all. He also cannot quit his job if he only has a few weddings but it's taking up a lot of time and he isn't making enough money for us to be able to live.

[sehvral]

That's the ultimate problem. To really succeed in that career you have to be full-time. Only shooting on Saturday makes sense, most weddings are done on weekends. A lot of the back-end work is often done from a home office.

Just to expand on the situation, are you working? Is it an option to hold off on having kids until after he is established? It is tough to ask someone to give up their passion, and there's always the chance he'll say no.

Is the time involved really that different? 60 hours is becoming the new standard week for normal jobs, especially when you are starting out. Hell, my dad was an accountant when I was young and he worked 70 hours a week. He was never home, which led to a divorce, and he had a traditional business job. I work in IT, and I'm working 10 more hours a week now than when I started this job last year. I'm concerned that he may give up his passion (which could cause some resentment) for a traditional career only to discover that he still can't be home as much as you want.

[HeyxLove0x]

I am currently working, although only working part time until I'm finished with school. I also don't know that I want to wait 5 years to have kids... because what if it never actually works out?

I know it's tough to ask someone to give up their passion, which is why I'm trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable. My other thing is (I forget if I already mentioned it?) is it isn't specifically wedding photography that he likes. He just likes taking pictures in general... which is why I don't understand why he can't just be fine with taking pictures in general... not having to make it a job, when it's pulling us apart. The time involved is really different, it's hours on end... especially when he has to do marketing, along with all of the other photography duties, etc.

If I'm going to marry someone, diviorce is not an option, which is why I'm really trying to figure out if I should just "run" now if it isn't going to work out. I don't want it to be 5 years down the road and he has no time for anyone/anything other than photography... it's not fair to me to have to give up my dream of not being a "single parent." He's expecting me to compromise on everything, but he's not willing to in the least bit. And I don't see why he would need to work more than 40 hours per week, if I'm also working... which I plan on doing.

The biggest difference is with a "normal" job, when hes' home... he's home. With photography... when he's home, he's still going to be working on "work." And his biggest issue is time management. So, I think him having the ability to work on his work at home, will make it 10x harder than if it were a normal job type thing, and he wouldn't work on it when he was at home.

The fact that he is also so willing to give up on us for the small chance of this working out kills me. It just really shows me where his priorities are. If it were me, I wouldn't even think twice about pursuing something that would hurt us, our our potential children. MANY people love photography, but they know the risk isn't worth the possibility. Just because you love something doesn't mean it has to be your carer, which I don't think he understands.

I think one more issue is that he is a VERY emotionally thinking person... while I'm VERY logical. I have to have like... "proof" that it will work out, or I can't do it. As much as I cannot even imagine losing him... at the same time I cannot imagine living miserably for the rest of my life just so he can live his dream.

[sehvral]

You're still young, there is plenty of time for kids, even if it means waiting a few years until your finances are stable.

Honestly, I think you've got a vastly different idea of what a normal job entails than what I've seen. Companies *expect* more than 40 hours nowadays. And there are 100 people willing to do your job at 60-70 hours, so your company has no qualms about replacing you if you push on how much they work you. And when you're home, you're still taking calls about work, doing research for work, etc. The clear delineation between work and home became blurred a long time ago. I work a split setup, 3 days at home, 2 at the office. I find I have the same amount of "free" time each day.

I don't think what he's thinking of doing would "hurt" the kids. He'd still have time for them. I can promise you that taking a career he hates will have a very negative impact on the quality of life of the entire family, I've seen this firsthand. Having a job you love, even if it means less money, almost always shows a higher quality of life than a higher-paying job that you hate. As long as the combined income is enough to pay the bills.

The big difference seems to be risk. You are risk-averse, he isn't. People don't pursue their passions, not because they "know" it isn't worth it, but because they are afraid to fail.

I think you're taking the current situation and trying to extrapolate too far. He *should* be consumed by this right now. He has limited time to learn as much as he can. They say it takes 10,000 hours to master something, the more time he can devote to it in college the quicker he can establish himself later. But that doesn't mean he will have to spend every waking moment 5 years from now on his job.

I wouldn't say you are unreasonable to say "I need this, and I'm not comfortable with the risk you're taking". Just understand that it is also not unreasonable for him to refuse and choose to follow his passion.

[HeyxLove0x]

While I know he is going to spend time working on thing, but at the same time... if that leaves no time for us then why are we even in a relationship? I want to be with someone who I am going to see... etc. It's not that I'm expecting him to take a job he hates, obviously I don't want that... but I'm sure he could have another "normal" full-time job that is something he likes doing. Just because I may like... say soccer, it doesn't mean I'm going to put everything into trying to become some professional soccer player when it it's more likely to not work than it is to end up working.

There are also plenty of full-time, 40-50 hour a week job that do not require you to be "on call" at all times. Even so, I'd rather he be getting random calls through out the day than working on business stuff for hours each day. We only have so much time to spend with each other since we are both working and going to school. So, when the time that we should be spending together is him being on photography forums, etc... it just hurts I guess.

I only think it's "unreasonable" for him to follow this when it's pulling us apart so much. If he says he cares as much as he does, he would be willing to make some sort of sacrifice with it and to compromise in some way... but he isn't. As I've said, I do not care if he does it as long as it isn't a full-time job. It is also SO inflexible. Who says some day, once he quits his job as were to do it full time... that he wouldn't only get say 5 or 10 weddings. With a family, that's going to be impossible. I'm afraid that if it comes down to his family (when we would have kids) or photography... that he would choose photography (say for example that we figured out it was taking up too much time, etc).

[sehvral]

Just because I may like... say soccer, it doesn't mean I'm going to put everything into trying to become some professional soccer player when it it's more likely to not work than it is to end up working

Liking something is very different from being passionate about it. I like golf, and I'm good at it, but I wouldn't try to make a career out of it. But I took a pay cut last year to switch to a job I was passionate about.

I don't even mean on-call jobs, I mean basic marketing, accounting, business development, etc jobs. I'm just speaking from experience here, but in the two companies I work for (about 400 employees combined) there isn't a SINGLE employee working only 40 hours a week with a pay grade above custodial. Not one.

I don't mean to be harsh, but in college his focus should be on his learning. If that means he doesn't have time for anything else, then he shouldn't be stringing you along.

I do not care if he does it as long as it isn't a full-time job

Supposing he works 40 hours a week and does 5-10 of these a year. He still has to do marketing, accounting, back-end work, on-site work, meetings, prep work, etc. How much time do you think he'd have free in this case? This kind of job is all-or-nothing.
Again, it all comes down to risk aversion. You aren't willing to accept the risk that a contract position entails, he is. That means that either one of you is going to be unhappy, or things aren't going to work out.

[HeyxLove0x]

And that's what I'm afraid of. I've been trying to think of some solution, but I honestly don't think that there is one... at least not one he is willing to do.

Well, thank you for all of your input... it's appreciated.

[sehvral]

Yeah, this is one where there really is no clear answer. Maybe he would find another job he loves. Hell, maybe photography is just a passing fad for him. But ultimately it sounds like he is comfortable taking big risks, and you have to decide if you are willing to go along for the ride. Risk takers aren't usually good at these sort of compromises.

You might hold out until graduation to see what happens. He's obviously trying to find his place, and he may change his mind by then. I started in Civil Engineering, graduated with a degree in Archaeology, and now I have a "normal" job in IT. He might take a similar path, but are you willing to spend (potentially) a couple years to see how the chips fall?

[HeyxLove0x]

As much as I really want to wait it out and see if maybe it some passing fade (he does things like that a lot, which is why I just let it go in the beginning figuring that it would just pass). However, I'm scared to put a couple more years into letting feelings develop, probably getting married... etc. It will hurt a lot more in a few years than it will now (although it's still going to be one of the hardest thing I'd have to go through). It's so hard for me to give up on something as "stupid" as this, but I'm tired of living miserably for almost 2 years now. I've been putting it off hoping that eventually he would get over it... but he's only trying harder now. I don't think it would be as hard if he actually had a decent amount of buisness. However, he hasn't even shot one wedding (for money) yet. He shot as a second photographer for a person at his works wedding... and then he took some pictures at my cousins wedding for them to have. He doesn't even shoot his first wedding until the end of May... and he's already "counting the eggs before they hatch." How can he do something, and expect to get paid decently when he haven't even shot one wedding yet? He also doesn't have any other weddings than the one in May yet. The fact that he's so willing to give up on everything we have to see if this will work out is killing me.

[Olderandwiser49]

There is an old axiom about leading a happy life that applies far more than you might believe: "Do what you love, and love what you do."

So often, people work for a lifetime in a job that is very unsatisfying, just to make money. Then, when it's too late, they look at what they have, and they wonder if it was worth the sacrifice. I'm not saying that he should be obsessive about it, but his enthusiasm IMO reflects a man who will be happy with his life, and ultimately, make a woman who loves him happy, too. Walk in his shoes for a moment. Suppose you were an artist, and your partner supported your interest, but only if you painted a few times per year and gave him the attention he wants when he wants it.

There's no good answer to your question. You are still young, and you are in a position to allow him a little leeway to see where things will go before you get married. Is he worth the wait? That's for you to decide.

[vashti]

I've got another saying: if you do what you love as a profession, you will no longer love it.

If I were a young woman interested in raising a family, and thus would require a certain amount of financial stability, I wouldn't dream of marrying a freelance photographer.

[vashti]

I really like this post. It captures the transition that all women make, from pursuing sexy and cool guys who are assholes to rich guys who are assholes

Well, it's true that women seem to be a bit slower to realize there is a difference between the type you date, and the type you marry. Males seem to get this at a much earlier age....