Is it over now? Do I move on?

[rosecolour]

I live with a couple, Matt and Amy, who have been in a serious relationship for about 6 years. I am also in a serious relationship thats been going for 4 years with a guy called Tom. When me, Amy and Matt firsted moved in together, it was exciting. I'd never known them before and so it was a new friendship ready to be built. We quickly developed a good friendship and I really liked and trusted them both.

As Amy started a new job, she was out of the house a lot, leaving Matt to get on with his work. He worked at home and as I am a student [5 years younger] than him, we saw a lot of each other around the house. We talked a lot, had laughs and generally became really good, close friends over a period of 6 months. It was great! But, then things got complicated.

I had some troubles with my boyfriend. He hardly ever saw me... and Its probably because I was spending a lot of time with Matt, but Tom also spent a lot of time doing work at his house. He let me down a few times, saying he'd come see me, but didn't because he was too busy. I didn't feel great about our relationship at the time, but I figured; at least I can confide in my good friend Matt.

Before I knew it, I was relying on Matt, always talking to him about everything. I didn't realise that he was doing the same thing with me. If I remember rightly, I was giving off signals to him such as, when Tom, my boyfriend was over once I went downstairs to get a cuppa and Matt said to me. "are you ok?" to which i replied, "yes, just getting tom a cuppa tea..." as i looked down at my feet... it was a tiny, tiny signal that I understand had probably silently said "no im not ok, things are not good between me and tom".

A few days later, I woke up feeling terrible and Matt could tell, he came to my room, asking me whats wrong and I burst into tears. He gave me a hug and was really supportive...I remember he rubbed my back for just that little bit too long, making it feel a little sexual rather than like a friend. I explained how me and Tom have not been communicating with each other properly and so I feel disconnected to him. Matt said that the same thing was happening with him and Amy so he could understand.
That night I couldn't stop thinking about Matt and how kind he was... How I wanted to cuddle him and him to support me. I wrote all these feelings down to get them off my chest.

The next day, I asked Matt if he fancied a little walk to talk about a few things... I wanted to be a friend and be there for him like he has been there for me. He said, we should talk in my room instead, so we went upstairs to my room. He sat on my bed which he'd never done before and I found this a little intrusive even though we were close friends. I suddenly felt nervous and I asked what he wanted to talk about... to which he replied, "I'm going to go out on a bit of a limb here..................do you have feelings for me?" ... I knew it was coming, before he even said it, so I'd already hidden my face in a pillow and was saying, "nooo please don't...don't go out on a limb".... then I replied, "yes" as I burried my face into my pillow as much as I could with embarressment...it was as if i had turned 7 years old again and was back at school with a boy asking me if he could kiss me and me not wanting to. A strange feeling really.

Matt was really serious about it though. He was saying, "what shall we do?" and I think if it wasn't for me he probably would have kissed me. He said he didn't want to hurt Amy. I said, I didn't want to hurt Tom. I said, we should stop talking about it and talk to our partners instead. The atmosphere became very awkward and we kept on making eye contact and then looking away. I knew he wanted me. I think he knew I wanted him...[I wanted to kiss him] It was exciting, but we were both so scared. The right thing to do was to leave and not to speak about it anymore. He left the room.

I immediately called my mum and told her what had happened. She said, I did the right thing. She asked me how I felt about Tom. I said, I love him and don't want to hurt him. A week passed and Matt told Amy everything. Since then, we haven't really spoken in the same way as we used to. I think Amy and Matt hate me now. I wrote a letter of apology to Amy. I confessed what happened to Tom about 3 months later as I felt I needed to deal with it on my own.

Tom was ok about it. He forgave me extremely quickly and said it seemed that Matt was the one that was instigating the whole situation. I'm only young, so I guess I've been quite naive thinking that Matt and I were friends. I miss him now though, its been nearly 6 months that we haven't spoken and I have started to try to see him a bit... but it seems that he avoids me. Amy always comes and sits in the room if we are in the room together. I've made it clear that I don't want to do anything with Matt. That I am too loyal to Tom and that I love him too much to hurt him.

The trouble now is that I feel very lonely living here. I don't know whether I should speak to them more or stay in my room and keep on avoiding them as much as I can.

What can I do to rebuild trust?... is it possible or should I not even bother and just turn my back on them completely? Is there any point in rebuilding our friendship? Will it just cause more problems?

[xxazurexx]

I don't think that Matt did ever have same feelings for you, that you had for him. He wouldn't have came clean to Amy otherwise.
My guess is that when he told Amy, he laid all the blame on you.

I'm thinking he must really love Amy and to have came clean with her about the whole thing.

My guess is, is that if Matt had felt for you, what you felt for him....you'd have ditched Tom like a hotcake.
Now suddenly and because Matt decided to reveal all and the secret is out, you decideTom is the love of your life and you would never hurt him. I guess that is cuz you realise that Amy is the love of Matts life and there is little chance now you will ever be with Matt.

You talk of turning your back on them, like you are the 'wronged' party here. In fact you are both at wrong, but he chose to reveal it all and for fear he'd lose the girl he really loves....Amy.

I reckon you should find somewhere else to live......life sux huh.

[rosecolour]

Thanks for your reply, but I don't think I have really explained the situation fully. Matt told me that he had strong feelings for me. He also kept on trying to talk to me after this happened even though I said we should not talk about it any longer. He told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me. So yes we were both in the wrong. But, it honestly seemed to me that if I didn't love Tom then Matt definitely would have ditched Amy. He wrote me a long letter saying how he wishes we were in another universe where we could be together and even when I shouted at him, telling him to stop talking to me and stop writing me letters, he persisted and wrote me anther letter of apology. God life does suk sometimes... its complicated. I'm only 20 years old. I just try to take pleasure from the simple things and reconnect with my childhood because usually things work themsekves out eventually.

[xxazurexx]

I haven't explained fully. Matt told me that he had strong feelings for me. He also kept on trying to talk to me after this happened even though I said we should not talk about it any longer. He told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me. So yes we were both in the wrong. But, it honestly seemed to me that if I didn't love Tom then Matt definitely would have ditched Amy. He wrote me a long letter saying how he wishes we were in another universe where we could be together and even when I shouted at him, telling him to stop talking to me and stop writing me letters, he persisted and wrote me anther letter of apology. God life does suk sometimes... its complicated. I'm only 20 years old. I just try to take pleasure from the simple things and reconnect with my childhood because usually things work themsekves out eventually.

I was going off what you said in the opening post. That is why when you begin a thread, you should reveal as much as you can and so that people can get a better understanding of the situation.

You see, now my view changes and it appears that this Matt was leading you on!
You scorned him and because you told him to quit bothering you and so he's told Amy about the whole situation, piling the whole blame on you more than likely.

I'd still move and because I couldn't remain where they are. Being in situations I am not happy with, makes me ill.
Both of you get away, start afresh and someplace else

[rosecolour]

aw thanks this is well nice. I'm moving out in one month!!! I can't wait its a hell whole here. x

[rosecolour]

I just wish I could make this last month here better. I even asked Amy if she wanted to sit out in the sun with me today, but she said she was busy. Maybe she'll forgive me one day. We were such good friends, so its such a shame.

[xxazurexx]

I just wish I could make this last month here better. I even asked Amy if she wanted to sit out in the sun with me today, but she said she was busy. Maybe she'll forgive me one day. We were such good friends, so its such a shame.

If she has any sense, she will know that it was her bf in the wrong. Have you ever talked to her about what happened, the things he was saying? Maybe she does secretly know, but is just in denial.....women usually are when it comes the thoughts that their husband/partner would mess around/is messing around. Sure as heck couldn't have been his fault. The other woman always gets the blame...LOLS

Heck you should have got the barbeque out and made a day of it.

[rosecolour]

I don't know you, but thanks. you're ace! lol

[lahnnabell]

This is why couples should live alone.

How has your relationship with Tom been now?

[rosecolour]

I adore that quote

Yes they definitely should have lived alone... they were unstable from the very beginning, but I didn't know this untill it was too late. If I had known, I would have made a conscious effort not to get involved with Matt in terms of sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. I guess I jumped into trusting him when I didn't even know him well at all.
Things are much much better with Tom now. I told him everything. I explained to him that I was relying on Matt and that I was very sorry for being so silly as to say that I had feelings for him. I was in a very confused and vulnerable state at the time and that is the truth. This makes me think that Matt was being a little manipulative in his actions. I honestly believe that he would have taken it further if I was not so serious about Tom, but I love Tom so much and deep down I knew that this whole "having feelings" thing was only a phase. Since this whole thing, I've spent most of my time with Tom and as much time away from the house as possible. I also avoid Matt and Amy... apart from when I wanted to speak to her and tell her how sorry I was. I bought her flowers and I'm pretty sure she threw them away. I can tell she sort of doesn't like me... which I think is fair enough, but I literally want to shout at her "GET OVER IT!!!" because, the whole thing was like 6 months ago now and I've said i'm sorry, it wasn't entirely my fault it happened. I feel used by Matt. Matt told me that it was not the first time he'd been in this situation as Amy had told another guy she had feelings for him before, so I think in a way he used me to get back at her. Its so stupid.

[xxazurexx]

Attached and married guys on the lookout for affairs, will often seek out and target the most vulnerable women. Vulnerable women are easy prey for these men and vulnerable women are more likely to walk into affairs with attached men.

You are only young, inexperienced and havn't quite figured out yet how some men tick over. Heck, I was likely clueless to men at that age, infact I was....lols
I've made plenty of mistakes along the way, but hey...ya live and learn and you get WISE

[rosecolour]

thanks I feel wiser today already! Although the idea that Matt was targeting me angers me a bit. What an idiot. I figured that if he genuinely cared about my well being and about our friendship, he wouldn't have made the effort to ask me if I had feelings for him at a moment when he KNEW I was vulnerable and struggling with Tom.

[rosecolour]

I don't care about him enough to bother with sharing anything with him. I will act as an assertive young woman should. I will be polite, but not too nice as to give off the impression that I can be walked all over.

[xxazurexx]

thanks I feel wiser today already! Although the idea that Matt was targeting me angers me a bit. What an idiot. I figured that if he genuinely cared about my well being and about our friendship, he wouldn't have made the effort to ask me if I had feelings for him at a moment when he KNEW I was vulnerable and struggling with Tom.

I've had guys try to come onto me in the guise of friends and when they knew I was going through rough patches or after I'd just split with someone.
Offering comfort and pretending to be my friend, but the 'real' motive was to try and get into my knickers.

I find it pathetic that some men will even pull this stunt of pretending to be a friend, to the damsel in distress.
The last thing a damsel in distress is thinking of, is getting it on immediatley with another man and when her heart lays elsewhere.
Men must think that it's easy for them to walk in and before the bed sheets got cold.

How old is he btw?

[rosecolour]

Yes, I agree, it is pathetic. I would have thought he'd know better, being 5 years older than me [he's 25].