Is this okay? Not okay? Kind of okay?

[Render]

I wrote before asking about how I can persuade my husband to be intimate with me more often. I stated then that he did view pornography. We have had sex once in the past month. Two days ago I was laying on the bed working on a project with him (his project) and he was also sitting on the bed. I thought he was working on the project as well (we were on our laptops). At one point I felt the bed shaking a tiny bit and I looked over and could swear he was masturbating under the covers. I asked him if he was, he said no. Later, when he went to the restroom, I looked at his computer. He had looked at at least 140 sites, mostly escort sites, dating sites, Craigslist personal ads (women seeking men), and matrimonial sites (women seeking marriage). Not all the ads were sexual, in fact most of the dating/personal ads were for women looking for long-term-relationships. All of the escort sites and sexual ads were for African American women. I have no problem with this, except I am not African American, so if that is what arouses him, we have no hope. But my point is I am very open minded and don't mind that he looks at pornography, but it hurts me when he looks at escort sites, dating sites, personal ads, and matrimonials. He says it is just a hobby, just for fun, and as long as he has no intent of contacting these women, I should not be upset by it. But it does hurt me. These are not some fantasy women in a movie or magazine - these are real women looking for real men for sex, relationships, and marriage. These ads have contact information for the women in them. It DOES hurt me. Also, it's not just that - we have no sex life, no matter what I do or don't do. He swears he'll never cheat on me and that's all that matters. I say his looking at these ads is pretty close to going to a singles bar, "but just to look". If you're a married man, why look at these sites? And I've asked him, are these sites more important to you than your marriage, than your wife? So important that you have to view them even when you know it hurts her? He says no, but he gets visibly stressed and upset and cannot promise to stop. Again, if he wants to view pornography, no big deal. But these sites are a big deal to me. What do you think? Anyone dealing with the same thing? Any advice?

[vashti]

When you started off by saying he was masturbating next to you in bed, I really wasn't expecting your post to go in the direction it did.

How long have you been married, and do you have kids? Do you love him? How old are you both?

[Peter Pry]

If he is masturbating to these sites, it could be simply that they serve as pornography for him. In other words, maybe he knows that porn sites are "fake" and is only sexually stimulated by the same genuineness of the personal ads that is making you feel threatened. So in that sense, if pornography is no big deal for you, then perhaps you could just consider this his pr0n.

My concern is with his disrespectful attitude towards the pain that it causes you. Instead of talking it out, he is starting to hide it, which will generate resentment in him and pain and frustration in you. Even worse is his "I'll never cheat, and that's all that matters" response to your sexual needs. He is satisfying himself and leaving you wanting and frustrated. Never mind *how* he is satisfying himself; his categorical refusal to attend to you makes him a turd.

Maybe you could try to solve both problems by posting a personal ad yourself and doing some role-playing. Let him answer the ad: Go into opposite rooms and let him IM chat with you and call you the way he's fantasizing about doing with these strangers. Turn him on over IM and the phone... and then ring the doorbell.

[VincenzoG91]

He might not be cheating on you, but the difference between porn and dating or escort sites is important. Maybe he is just fantasizing and really never will cheat on you, but his behavior shows that he is interested in sex, but not with you. I think that he's window-shopping right now, but this could eventually lead to cheating, especially due to the lack of sex right now. His unwillingness to stop looking at escort ads or dating ads is disrespectful to you and the marriage. You may want to consider options like marriage counseling or divorce. Vashti raised several key questions.

[Gigabitch]

You two have some MAJOR relationship and communication issues and I think you need to see a counselor immediately.

[Render]

I suggested that to him. I suggested that we watch porn together, that if he enjoys the idea of "escorts" or meeting online we could role play that as well. I just feel lonely, rejected, and frustrated. This morning, when I tried to have sex with him, he refused me. But, maybe 20 minutes later, he was masturbating in bed next to me. I was so shocked and hurt I just got up and started to leave the house. He then got up and said, "Okay, okay let's have sex." I give up!

[Render]

We are in counseling. I do feel disrespected. We just started counseling. The counselor said to be patient with my husband. But I am living without sex, watching my husband masturbate regularly to these sites, and I am hurt and frustrated. I have divorce papers on my computer already filled out. I love him but I wonder if he feels the same way.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God, you're living my nightmare. What a hurtful, rotten thing for him to do. It certainly doesn't look like he loves you, or maybe he's lost his mind or something. The fact that he'll masturbate right there in bed next to you is appalling.

I hope your counselor can help.

[vashti]

The counselor said to be patient with my husband.

With all due respect to your counselor, what specifically does he expect you to do while your husband masturbates right next to you?

[lahnnabell]

I'm so sorry you're going through this I can't believe after you got up to leave he callously relented with an, "Okay fine then! Let's have sex if that's what YOU want!" type of attitude. I would be absolutely crushed. You two are being counseled AND you've presented an open mind in trying to fix this with him. What exactly does he expect you to do? What a selfish and insensitive man he is. When did this behavior surface? You never saw anything like this BEFORE you married him?