Older woman, driving me nuts

[azadcr]

I met her through my flatmate. She's 30 but she looks and behaves a lot younger. I'm 22, fresh out of university.

We used to meet socially but then we started meeting privately. A dinner here, clubbing there and so on.

I used to date this other girl when we met. I am not the player type, so I did not have any intentions of sleeping with her.

We went on a roadtrip and stayed on a Bed & Breakfast for 2 days. We slept on the same bed. She wanted me but I did not make a move because I was with another girl.

Since then, me and my girlfriend have broken up, partially because I am so close to this girl.

We became closer and closer by the day. We talk, text, email all day and meet up a few times a week. She became obsessive and she'd call me at work to talk about lunch.

Around October last year, I went abroad and returned after 4 months. We had not spoken much except on Facebook during this time.

After I returned, we resumed the regular talking and meeting up. For the last 3 months, since my return, we've been very close.

Lately, after we had a little fight, we have stopped talking as much. I have not called her in 1 week. She mentioned she does not like to be disappointed, the last time we spoke. Lately, she's been distancing herself.

We've known each other for almost a year and I have never made a move on her. We have become very close friends. The problem is that I am going nuts over her. I cannot stop thinking about her. I feel like I need to tell her how I feel.

I know I've disappointed her. But I had no choice. I had another girl in my life and then I went away for months.

How do I fix this?

[vashti]

Why don't you just tell her you aren't seeing anyone anymore, and ask her on a date?

[Gigabitch]

So you're not sleeping with the 30 year old either?

[lahnnabell]

You and your former girlfriend broke up due to your very inappropriate closeness with your roommate? She must not have been that great of a catch if you gave her up so easily. Yet post-girlfriend, you still resorted to passive-aggressively ignoring this older woman's feelings for you. Even when you were around. I'm sure you enjoyed the attention, despite however obsessive it was, right?

Now that she's pulling away, you're thinking, "What's wrong?" Perhaps you just took too long to get things going because it sounds like she was pretty aggressively pursuing you. And you say she doesn't like to be disappointed like it's some sort of personality trait explicit to her. No one likes to be disappointed.

[azadcr]

Vashti, she knows I am not with anyone any more. We share almost everything with each other.

lahnnabell. You have hit the nail on the head. The ex was not the greatest catch. She was the jealous type and we used to fight a lot. We fought to the point where I had to break up with her. I am glad that's over.

I went away right after I broke up. I was hurt and did not want anyone on the rebound. I know how messy that can be.

Yes, I did enjoy the attention. I have hurt her feelings by not responding to her. I regret that now.

I have disappointed her and I am sorry. I want her to be close to me again and I want to tell her how I feel. Any ideas?

[lahnnabell]

Man up and lay your cards on the table. Admit your feelings for her, and apologize for dicking her around, and tell her you want to take her out on a real date sometime. See what she says.

And for the record, I'd have felt the same if I were in your ex-girlfriend's shoes too. You failed to develop clear boundaries about what kind of relationship you and your roommate had at the time, and this made her insecure. Like I said, and you've now admitted, you didn't do this because you enjoyed having a bit of extra attention on the side. That is disrespectful and selfish.

[azadcr]

Thanks again lahnnabell. Insightful.

Let's forget about the ex-girlfriend for a minute now. Here's how the older woman and I got into bit of a fight.

Okay so last Saturday she called me early in the morning to wake me up and said she's gonna come over with her new car and take me somewhere. I was supposed to take a shower and make myself look presentable by then. But since both the showers in the house were occupied, all I could do was wait.

She came over after 30 minutes, parked her car somewhere in the neighborhood, and called me again. I asked her to come inside and have a cup of coffee with me, and wait a few minutes while I go take a shower. She said "You have 5 minutes to get your ass inside the car or I'm going away."

I tried to convince her to come inside and wait just 10 minutes and relax. She wouldn't budge and I saw her drive off. I thought that was really rude from her part.

I have had a short conversation with her on the phone since then and I was rather upset and so was she.

She has not called once since then and only a couple of emails during office time.

Any way to turn this around?

[lahnnabell]

She sounds impulsive. I think she was testing you as well. You prioritized your need to shower and look presentable before your desire to see her. That is how she sees it anyway. Sounds like she's a no-bullshit kinda lady. Perhaps she's even only looking for a bit fun with you and nothing serious, but that wouldn't explain her getting hurt over your inaction. I think you may be a tad immature for her really. Your lack of self-awareness toward the situation involving your ex shows that. Unless you feel you've grown significantly since then.

[xxazurexx]

Sounds domineering to me. Likely would end up treating you like her son, rather than a lover or equal partner.

[Gigabitch]

You could have sent her a text telling her you couldn't shower because of your flatmates. Waiting until she got there probably wasn't the most polite thing to do. No one likes to be kept waiting and it seems like this is the basic characteristic of your relationship- you make her wait and it pisses her off.

[azadcr]

My ex and I had many problems. First of all, she was from a religious family and she could not accept the fact that I am not a believer. She wanted me to go to church and I refused to.
Secondly, she was very jealous of my female friends. Even though I wanted her to be friends with my friends, she would end up hating them.
Third, she demanded 24/7 of my time. As a fresh-graduate looking for career opportunities, I could not afford to give her all my time.

I broke up with her because I will not change who I am and I always choose friends over silly girls.

Anyways, that was a year ago. I am over her.

Going back to the older woman:

She is indeed a no-bullshit kind of girl. That is one of the things that I find very attractive in women. She appears a cold, stern woman who likes to dominate (she wouldn't be a Director at the BBC if she wasn't) but when you get to know her, she is actually very friendly and cool. She can be a bit brash at times.

I want to fix it with her and want her closer. Should I call and spill my feelings for her? Maybe a nice gesture like roses and chocolate?

I really don't know how to tell this girl I love her.

[xxazurexx]

^^ What do you want people here to do? Tell her for you??

Everyone has more or less advised, just let her know. And yeah, the roses or chocolates may gone down well with her.

Director of the BBC huh? Best make sure the chocs don't come from the Poundshop. I would imagine her to be a lady of refined tastes and used to Thorntons chocolates...like £30 a box..lmao

[lahnnabell]

She doesn't sound like a roses and chocolates type of woman. I think you're going to have to think outside the box here. Keep in mind, she's an older woman, so she's seen plenty of those old tricks before. Show her something new if you want to really grab her attention.

[azadcr]

Gigabitch, I should have thought of that. I have kept her waiting, and now she's probably thinking "Is this guy really worth waiting for"

lahnnabell, yes something thoughtful and sweet.

She does love Thorntons. I've bought them for her before.

Thanks for your comments guys. Appreciated.

[xxazurexx]

Gigabitch, I should have thought of that. I have kept her waiting, and now she's probably thinking "Is this guy really worth waiting for".

Exactly.

To be honest and if some guy messed me around and I didn't know where I stood (which I was in a similar situation), I'd wave goodbye, which I did. People can only tolerate so much, patience wears thin and someone who has respect for themselves, walks away and for good from such a *shit*uation.

But good luck anyway.