Men, lets see if you can help me understand more, re: porn

[AzAlwaya]

I am making attempts to understand. While I am not a prude, porn goes against my grain. Always has. This is just a part of my fundamental character. They say old dogs can learn new tricks but I am not so sure. Yet, I am here seeking help. Figure that one out. lol

When my husband and I married we were on the same page where engaging in porn was concerned. My husband, while not a prude himself, was not interested in any of that. When our daughter was born that solidified his beliefs any more.

Or so I thought.

A few years ago it was discovered that he was engaging in porn, by one of his step-daughters.

We discussed it and I was told that he did understand my stand on this, that he screwed up and that he does not need porn and respected our marriage enough and would not do so any longer. Please don't assume I 'told' him the porn or me. It was not like that.

Well, apparently he lied.

As of late it has come to light that he has indeed remained engaged in various porn.

Honestly, I am just about at the point of the 'me or it'.

So, here I am. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[dewilliams2]

Well either your okay with the porn or your not....so in a way you are making him make a choice.

Now most people don't mind porn and even enjoy it.

If you can live with it then tell him you don't care if he watches porn but you don't appreciate him hiding it from you....but if you cant stand it then honestly I think you need to ask yourself why and decide whether it is worth it...pick your battles.

But certainly the hiding is what seems like the biggest problem to me...honesty is critical for any relationship.

[vashti]

If your sex life is unaffected, and he isn't having sex with other women, I think this is a matter of choosing your battles.

Unlike dewilliams, however, i wouldn't care if he hid it. In fact, he SHOULD hide it, and do a better job of it, since young girls are able to discover what he's up to.

[sehvral]

Well, to start with, he was lying all along. He was almost certainly watching porn in the beginning as well.

That being said, for a lot of guys porn is an outlet for activities that he feels he can't ask you to try. I'm just generalizing here, but maybe y'all's sex life is getting a little...erm...bland. Once you have kids, that can happen all too easily.

Now, he shouldn't have been lying about it from the beginning. He should have been upfront about it.

Is porn a big enough issue that you're willing to divorce him and impact your kid's stability? Before you give him an ultimatum, you might want to examine why porn is such a serious issue for you, and have a real discussion about why he watches (you mentioned in a previous discussion that he understood your point of view, but did you guys also talk about his point of view). Have you ever tried sitting down with him and watching it together (something soft)?

[dewilliams2]

If your sex life is unaffected, and he isn't having sex with other women, I think this is a matter of choosing your battles.

Unlike dewilliams, however, i wouldn't care if he hid it. In fact, he SHOULD hide it, and do a better job of it, since young girls are able to discover what he's up to.

I meant he shouldn't hide it from his wife...like it shouldn't be a secret with his wife...certainly ya shouldn't leave it out on the coffee table where the kids can just pick it up.

[VincenzoG91]

Engaged in porn? You mean, like helped create porn? Or was he just looking at it and downloading it, and presumably masturbating?

Most women cannot even begin to dream of how much men think about sex. Let's just say it's a lot. And men don't directly connect love with sex the way women do, so in their fantasies, they may contemplate sex with all kinds of women... celebrities, neighbors, co-workers, other random women they happen to see at the mall or wherever. Now, a decent and normal guy won't act on these fantasies, especially when he is in a relationship. But he will still think about them. This is non-negotiable. You can't ask him to stop thinking like a guy.

The different interest level in sex between men and women has created a large amount of economic activity: prostitutes, strip clubs and pornography. Of the three, I think that only prostitution poses a real threat to a relationship. Strip clubs and looking at porn are passive activities that don't involve a man cheating on his significant other. Even if he is masturbating while looking at the porn, it's extremely normal, assuming the porn itself isn't something inappropriate involving kids or animals or violence. Pretty much all men masturbate, even the married men, and particularly the men who deny it. So, again, it's really non-negotiable to ask your man to stop masturbating, unless maybe you are willing and able to provide him with plenty of sex. Most porn (except for the really inappropriate stuff I mentioned above) is pretty harmless. You can ask him to stop looking at it, but since that was the most harmless outlet for his natural tendencies, you are risking that he might look into other possibilities, ones that might involve infidelity. I think you would be better off not making a big deal about the porn.

[Lightsdarkness]

honestly the reason men watch porn is cause they aren't getting what they want from their woman. Maybe your not good in bed, not doing what he likes or not giving him enough sex. Its most likely all 3.

[vashti]

honestly the reason men watch porn is cause they aren't getting what they want from their woman. Maybe your not good in bed, not doing what he likes or not giving him enough sex. Its most likely all 3.

No. I disagree entirely.

On a separate note, I always think it's funny when people suggest watching porn together when the woman finds porn disgusting.

[dewilliams2]

No. I disagree entirely.

On a separate note, I always think it's funny when people suggest watching porn together when the woman finds porn disgusting.

My gf watches more porn than I do...we watch it together quite a bit really. We both enjoy it.

[vashti]

Yes, but she ENJOYS it. If she actually thought it was disgusting, I doubt making her watch it would be a positive experience. she might even resort to violence!

[sehvral]

It all depends on why they find it disgusting. Typically it is an issue of fears or insecurities.

It is similar to how guys view dildos. What, our ****'s aren't good enough for you? When you incorporate them into your sex life as a couple, they stop becoming an *alternative* to sex and become part of the experience which both parties can enjoy.

A lot of women hate porn for that very reason. They see it purely as guys getting off to *other* women instead of them. Incorporate it into sex, make it part of the activities (try to duplicate what you see on screen, for example) and you can assuage that fear.

Not to say that you should break out the freaky 50-on-1 movies or the DP/DA stuff, but soft porn can work. I'm just speaking from experience here, YMMV.

[dewilliams2]

Yes, but she ENJOYS it. If she actually thought it was disgusting, I doubt making her watch it would be a positive experience. she might even resort to violence!

She is kinda violent as well...but thats for another thread...honestly I don't see how you could force somebody to watch porn.

Right now I have that scene from a clockwork orange stuck in my head where they force the guys eyes open and make him watch all that shit....I don't know a lot about women but I know that isn't something to try.

[dewilliams2]

It all depends on why they find it disgusting. Typically it is an issue of fears or insecurities.

It is similar to how guys view dildos. What, our ****'s aren't good enough for you? When you incorporate them into your sex life as a couple, they stop becoming an *alternative* to sex and become part of the experience which both parties can enjoy.

A lot of women hate porn for that very reason. They see it purely as guys getting off to *other* women instead of them. Incorporate it into sex, make it part of the activities (try to duplicate what you see on screen, for example) and you can assuage that fear.

Not to say that you should break out the freaky 50-on-1 movies or the DP/DA stuff, but soft porn can work. I'm just speaking from experience here, YMMV.

I have no problems with dildos...I think of them as penis sidekicks....like the Robin to my Batman....actually I just made that up...never thought of it that way but I kinda like it and I'm goin with it.

I'm all for just about anything so long as everybody is havin a good time and generally in my experience the dirtier/crazier/nastier/weirder it gets the more fun it is....once again though I will state no pissing, shitting or feet....I don't think that to many boundaries is it?

[Incognito]

I think the porn in and of itself is a non-issue. The lying is different though. However, I only say that if the OP wasn't making him feel guilty about porn watching AND was satisfying him sexually. A few questions for the original poster:

Why are YOU against porn?
How long have you been married?
Do you have open discussions about sexual preferrences (frequency of sex, fetishes, positions)?

[sehvral]

I have no problems with dildos...I think of them as penis sidekicks....like the Robin to my Batman....actually I just made that up...never thought of it that way but I kinda like it and I'm goin with it.

I'm all for just about anything so long as everybody is havin a good time and generally in my experience the dirtier/crazier/nastier/weirder it gets the more fun it is....once again though I will state no pissing, shitting or feet....I don't think that to many boundaries is it?

lol, I like the Robin to my Batman line, gonna have to remember that one.

My boundaries are the same. Everything else, hell I'll try it once.