Hiding Financial Troubles from GF

[therealjag]

Hey there,

I have just recently moved away from the same city as my gf and now stay about a 2.5 hour drive away from her. I go visit her at the weekends and we usually stay in a cheap hotel or B&B but recently due to living on my own with rent + bills etc, the cost has got too much for me. I did explain this to her and I tried breaking up with her, I know that sounds immature but we were having a lot of troubles anyway and I knew that I would not be able to afford coming up to see her every weekend or every other weekend cos of my costs.

She always just keeps dismissing my issues and in the past has said, well you earn enough money anyway and said, well if you can afford to go out for a drink with your brother then you can afford to come up to see me....But I have even now stopped going to see my brother too cos I explained to him I cant afford it.

She is expecing to see me this friday and she has even got saturday off work which makes it even more difficult...the thing is that I have totally ran out of money this month. I'm actually using my savings to pay for my council tax, food etc at this moment and it really disheartens me as I have been trying to save up to go to India to visit my relatives this year.

What would be the best way to tell her? She is really really missing me and just would like some advice on the most tactful way to tell her that I cant afford to go see her till maybe next time i get paid, and to just tell her that I cant see her in general as much as she wants cos I cant afford it.

Cheers for any advice, thanks

Jag

[vashti]

I think you need to address this directly. There isn't any reason why she shouldn't be helping participate in the expense if this is supposed to occur on a regular basis, and if she really wants to see you, she will do it.

You should figure out how often you CAN afford to see her, and just tell her that's the best you can do.

and no, you shouldn't be seeing her so often that you can't afford to do anything else. If she really expects you to do that, she's a very selfish girl.

[sehvral]

vashti is right, there's no reason it should always be you going to see her.

Whatever you do, don't go see her if you can't afford it. You won't be helping the situation in the long run if you are building up debt by going to visit her. Once you've figured out your budget, the two of you need to sit down and say "okay, this is how often I can afford to come see you". If she wants more visits than that, she needs to pay for the rest.

Is there any reason you have to stay at a hotel? You could save quite a bit by staying at her place, or vice versa (since you say you live alone). 2-3 hours isn't such a long drive that you have to meet somewhere in between, you could alternate who makes the drive over and save quite a bit (assuming a relatively efficient vehicle).

[therealjag]

Hey yeah thanks for the replies....

The thing is that she lives with her parents which is why I always have to get a hotel room when I go visit her. Also she does try to pay for stuff but shes in College and doesnt really earn too much at the moment so really she cant afford to pay for it either and it does kind of make me feel guilty when she does....

She does come visit me too, which is much easier as I do live on my own so its much cheaper too, but the problem there is that she works on the weekends and I work on the weekdays so that makes it tough - I dont want her to quit her job and she doesnt want to quit her job either as its her only source of income during college and she kind of needs it....

I think I'll just tell her straight, its really hard to figure out how much I can afford...I tried calculating it when I moved down and if I want to try and put away at least some kind of savings then I can only afford to go see her one weekend a month which is really unfair on her.

[vashti]

How is it "unfair"? It's basic economics, my friend. You just can't afford more.

[sehvral]

Yeah, I wouldn't say it is unfair. You guys are young, money is tight. And don't sacrifice putting money into savings to go more often.

Have you guys tried using webcams to chat? It isn't as good as being there in person, but it is still better than phone calls.

[VincenzoG91]

I understand that this is an embarrassing situation for you, but you should have been more open with her about your financial problems. By waiting this long and having her take a day off from work, you have practically guaranteed that she will take the news badly. If you had let her know at an earlier stage, she would at least understand what was happening and maybe been able to help come up with solutions. It's possible that your other problems with her are indirectly related, that you were stressed out over money worries while she sensed you were hiding something from her but didn't know what. Now that things will be out in the open, there is a possibility that things may get better, though not this week.

[therealjag]

Hey Vincenzo - cool name btw

Yeah well she had the Saturday off anyway since she was working during the weekday. I found that out on Sunday there but yeah you're totally right, I should have just explained to her when I realised that I couldn't afford to come see her this weekend. I guess the problem is that I always get scared about her reaction - I seem to get the blame for everything and I'll end up getting the blame for this too since its my fault - and I've compounded it by taking so long to tell her.

I'll tell her straight tonight and try to figure out a strategy for us that keeps us both happy. I know that for a fact she wouldnt leave me over this cos well shes said a few times she cant live without me so I'll see what she wants to do. She'll probs cry for a bit, moan for a bit and then hopefully work something out after that. Cheers for the help so far guys

[xxazurexx]

Her own common sense should tell her that you have financial obligations. The cost of living is not cheap and particulary more so if you have your own place. Doesn't she realise that you will have rent, electric/gas bills, council tax, water rates and need money to afford to eat, for clothes, toiletries, etc?
And she expects you to pay for journeys to see her and pay for a hotel to boot on top of all this and once a week?

Who does she think you are? Aristotle Onassis??

Sounds a pretty selfish person to me.

Tell her straight you can't afford it all the time.

[therealjag]

Yeah cheers azure, I guess the other problem is that I have a car and thats the main way I go see her. Even when I go see her we usually end up driving around going here and there to find places to eat and as you know fuel costs are crazy right now...I can do the weekly work journey with just a 1/3rd of a tank but when I go see her durin that week I end up using a whole tank per week at minimum. Its like £60 a pop just to fill my fuel up and on top of that theres the other costs of runnin a car(insurance, road tax, MOT) that I'm not even thinking about right now - kinda too scared to think about it unless I start saving soon!

I seriously gota get my sh*t together...I know I had financial problems but talking to you guys about it has made me realise I could end up going into debt if I dont start acting now - that would be absolutely dreadful if that happened, especially in the current economic climate.

Cheers for the advice again, I appreciate the advice a lot!

[xxazurexx]

^^Exactly....the recession isn't over yet. In fact I think we are the only country still stuck in it.

I can understand that she misses you, but she needs to be more understanding.

Good Luck anyway

[sehvral]

Just as another possibility, what if she drove over to see you and you paid for the gas? Gas would cost the same, but you'd be able to save the cost of a hotel room since she could stay with you. Still wouldn't be an every weekend thing, but it might mean you could afford an extra trip every couple months.

I don't recognize what country your flag indicates, but what about public transport? Trains here in the US are almost useless, but if you're in a country with a heavy infrastructure it might be more economical to take one.

As far as finances go, ideally you want 10% of gross income going to savings/401K/IRA/etc, though that is usually impossible in your twenties. In your case, I'd try to start at 5% (or 2% if you absolutely can't swing 5%) and be downright religious about doing it. Set that aside and pretend it doesn't even exist for the rest of the month.

Think of it this way, which would you prefer: a few extra trips over to see her, or having enough set aside by the time she graduates that you two can start living together, planning for a family, etc (assuming of course you guys are still together)? She won't be happy to not see you, but I think she'll understand if you present it that way.

[xxazurexx]

I know that when I was in this situation with a guy, I'd pay half of the costs.

This thought obviously hasn't entered her head.

[therealjag]

Hey good morning people! Unless you're not in the UK

Yeah I talked to her last night on the phone, basically just told her the situation. She was very upset and disappointed obviously but the thing that annoyed me was that she was just sitting there quiet on the phone. I tried asking her whats wrong, and whats up and what are you thinking etc but she kept replying with "I dont know" thats all she kept saying. Then I was thinking ok, I'l try another route so I asked her "what do you think I should do?", "what would you do if you were in my shoes?" and "how do you think we can figure this out?" and all she kept replying with was "I dont know" :@

This really annoys me about her man, makes me want to just scream at her but I dont cos I know she misses me so we ended up just sitting there for a bit on the phone and then she hung up saying I dont feel like talking to you right now and she hung up. She didnt even say our proper goodbye or say goodnight either, she just hung up.

What do you guys think is the best course of action from now? She sent me a text this morning too saying, "sorry isnt good enough, you promised me you would come up this weekend so you've broken ur promise again - I could care less now theres no point believin in you, and I should know that by now - guess I'm stupid enough to believe you. I'm not going to let you make a fool out of me anymore. Oh well sh*t happens."

I just feel like telling her to "F**koff" to be honest but I guess its cos I'm annoyed too and feeling a bit immature and frustrated!

[xxazurexx]

She is just trying to make you feel guilty and because you told her you couldn't make it this weekend and she's pissed off.

Don't be surprised if she tries to play the 'I don't know if I want this relationship anymore' card. She is wanting to call all of the shots and have her own way and she will probably resort to anything, to try and get her own way.

When she says 'I'm not gonna let you make a fool out of me anymore'. Obviously it isn't the first time you have let her down and I'm thinking that she thinks you are doing all of this and to deliberately hurt her.

Text her and say 'OK, I will come up, if you can manage to help me out here and pay half of the costs'.
If she's that desperate to see you, it is something she would willingly do!

I've done it and would do it anyway, if I was that desperate to see someone.