Feel completely detatched from my boyfriend

[SecretlySad]

Ever since the beginning of the year I have felt different towards my boyfriend of 7 years. I used to feel a connection, but now not so much. We still get on very well, but it's like we have separate lives, despite the fact that we live together.

When I cook dinner for us, he eats it at the computer rather at the dinner table with me. For years he pushed for us to eat together like "normal people", but because of our different job times that was hard, now we can finally do it and he goes and does his own thing when dinner is served.

We went out on the weekend and he spent most of the night in one part of the club and I spent my time in another part. I forgot he was even there at one stage.

He never wants to go out, spend any money or do anything. I haven't been on a holiday in years - even for a weekend! He is always going off at me and telling me we can't afford things, yet recently when our computer died (and we only use it for leisure) he couldn't buy another one fast enough.

I am not sure what to do. Every time I bring stuff like this up with him it ends in some huge fight and he storms off. Even though I don't expect him to be a mindreader, I feel like I shouldn't HAVE to ask him to do things such as eat dinner at the table with me, it should come naturally. What do you think? Do our ages (me 28 him 45) play a role, are we just in different places??

[lahnnabell]

Woah. It's quite an age gap you've got there. Sounds like that age gap combined with 7 years together have got you guys feeling bored with one another. He clearly doesn't value you or the relationship if he resorts to going off on you. When do you try to bring up these issues? Sometimes it can be really unsettling if our partner just springs issues on us when our brains aren't ready to receive the information. Try setting aside some time to talk about things. Don't just sit down and start listing the reasons you're unhappy. Give him time to get to a place where he can receive your concerns and you guys can work on solutions together. This could be as easy as setting aside time earlier in the week.

Now, if YOU have gone this route already and he's still being cold and unresponsive, there is a problem on his end. My ex did this to me constantly. I did my best to schedule time with him to talk about our issues, but he refused to meet me half way even then. He always invented excuses about work, or how tired he was, etc. I was never a priority and this fact eventually ate away at the foundation of our relationship.

Sounds like you guys are in different places. He may even be in a personal rut. His refusal to see this and/or start pulling his weight in this relationship with you will send things heading south fast. You guys gotta do some major damage control, but first you gotta find out if he's even up for it.

[SecretlySad]

Now, if YOU have gone this route already and he's still being cold and unresponsive, there is a problem on his end. My ex did this to me constantly. I did my best to schedule time with him to talk about our issues, but he refused to meet me half way even then. He always invented excuses about work, or how tired he was, etc. I was never a priority and this fact eventually ate away at the foundation of our relationship.

Sounds like you guys are in different places. He may even be in a personal rut. His refusal to see this and/or start pulling his weight in this relationship with you will send things heading south fast. You guys gotta do some major damage control, but first you gotta find out if he's even up for it.

Thanks for your response

He is the kind of guy - like a lot of guys really - who doesn't want any "drama", i.e. he doesn't want to talk about heavy relationship stuff. He always "doesn't have time for this", excuses galore, much like how you described your ex.

I feel guilty, because he is 45 and has never owned a home, so this is what he is putting all his cash towards. It's not like he is gambling or drinking it away. Meanwhile his young girlfriend is in his ear all the time going "take me on holidays!!!" lol. I know it can't be easy for him but I am adventurous and I want to see things, do things and experience life. In this sense I feel like my best years are slipping away from me... I see all my friends taking wonderful holidays and it makes me want to cry. But it's even small things now - a workmate of mine is getting married next month and he is the only employee partner not attending, because he "won't know anyone" - neither will any of the other partners of employees! Again this is something I don't think I should have to ask of him. If the roles were reversed I wouldn't hesitate to attend the wedding of a friend of his, there'd be no question at all that I'd be sitting there by his side.

I just see us heading down 2 totally different paths. For a long time the buying home thing was what I thought I wanted too, but I have come to realise recently that as sensibe as it is, I am happy to let that wait a while. The age difference has started to show more and more as the years have gone on, but never more than it is right now.

[lahnnabell]

I think you have your answer already. You want to go out and see the world still, and he is very much ready to rest as proven by his desire to buy a home. There is nothing wrong with either direction, but they are indicative of where you guys are in your lives and you are most certainly not on the same page. It's tough to give up on something you've been working for for so long, but it'll be better in the long run. Resentment and frustration have already set in and are eroding the connection you two once had.

[SecretlySad]

Yeah, I think you're right...

I almost feel like by the time he has his home and we can finally relax with the money a little, he will be ready to retire and will want to do even less!!! I mean when he is 65 I will only be 3 years older than he is right now. Oh man this sucks.

[lahnnabell]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be difficult since you guys have been so invested for so long. It's at the point now where you have to think about what the future is going to be like if you stay together. Do you want to get married and have kids at some point? If so, how does he feel about that? Seems like you were content to go on this ride with him for sometime, but now you are itching to try something new. There is nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't look like he wants to join you in such endeavors. Best to get out now, begin the healing process, and work on your happiness. Life's too short to remain unhappy.

[VincenzoG91]

SecretlySad,

I was startled by your post. I'm 44 and my girlfriend is 29. We've been together for more than 6 years now, and living together for almost 3 years. I am saving up money for the down payment on my first house, and she does wish that she could take travel overseas.

However there are some differences in our situation. We have three computers. She is really busy taking a full semester of classes at a local college, and after she gets her undergrad degree next year, she plans to go to law school. Our only serious issue right now is her lack of free time.

Less than two years ago, our situation sounded more like what you're describing, except that she was the one who was constantly on the computer and eating her dinner there. For a while, she even slept in the computer room on the futon. We got along okay, most of the time, except that we sometimes had a big argument and one of us would threaten to break up. The rest of the time, it was like we were living separate lives under the same roof. In the past, I didn't think our age difference was a serious issue (I'm extremely physically fit and look young for my age), but at that point, it did seem like a problem. Also, she was unemployed for several months and depressed about that.

Finally, I dragged the issues out into the open. We talked about our initial attraction and what we enjoyed about each other when we first started dating. I missed how she was a busy, confident person working at a job and on a college degree, and that helped motivate her to go back to college. She missed our dates, and that got me to start taking her out for dinner again from time to time. And we both remembered our common interest in foreign films and indie rock. I made more of an effort to listen to the new music she liked, and made more of an effort to introduce her to the new music I was listening to. And she cut back on her anime addiction and used her Netflix account to bring home some interesting indie and foreign films. Also, her cat became very fond of me, because I took over feeding him since I had a more stable schedule.

Things haven't been perfect, but they have been better. My dad and her cat both died, and that was really hard on us. She has been struggling with classes, because she isn't good at math and science, but needs to keep her grades high to qualify for a specific scholarship to law school. And when I asked her to marry me in January, I botched it (no advance warning, wrong ring size), almost scaring her off. But we're doing okay. The communication is good, we go out as often as her schedule permits, and just a couple of days ago, I introduced her to her new favorite song.

About your situation... you two need to talk openly about the issues. Try to approach him in a non-confrontational, like you're seeking his opinion about a problem that you're having. You're right that it isn't fair to expect him to be a mind-reader, because none of us are. Actually, you do have to ask him to come to the dinner table, at least until he gets used to it. I grew up in a family that regularly ate dinner together, and even then my mom had to call us to the table for dinner, because we were all busy doing other stuff, like homework or hobbies or talking on the phone.

However, it may be an unworkable situation. Refusing to attend the wedding, not hanging out with you at the club, that's bad behavior. He sounds like he might be pretty introverted, which is not a bad thing, it's just how he is. But if he wants to be in a relationship, he needs to be willing to compromise to keep his partner happy, and sometimes that compromise may take him outside his comfort zone. (Which might be a one meter radius around his computer.)

What brought you two together in the first place? Seven years ago, what did he like about you, and what did you like about him? Have you both changed so much since then? Or did you both overlook some major differences during the initial infatuation?

I wish I could be more helpful. The general similarities between our situations are undeniable, but the important details may be different.

[SecretlySad]

However, it may be an unworkable situation. Refusing to attend the wedding, not hanging out with you at the club, that's bad behavior. He sounds like he might be pretty introverted, which is not a bad thing, it's just how he is. But if he wants to be in a relationship, he needs to be willing to compromise to keep his partner happy, and sometimes that compromise may take him outside his comfort zone. (Which might be a one meter radius around his computer.)

What brought you two together in the first place? Seven years ago, what did he like about you, and what did you like about him? Have you both changed so much since then? Or did you both overlook some major differences during the initial infatuation?

I wish I could be more helpful. The general similarities between our situations are undeniable, but the important details may be different.

Hi Vincenzo, and thanks so much for sharing your story.

I hate to admit but right now it does feel like an unworkable situation. Our communication has always been quite awful because of how different we are - I get upset very easily and hate to fight so I hold things in. When we do fight it usually ends with him locking himself in our bedroom and not speaking to me for a day or so. It's just not worth the pain anymore, so I hold it all in. I HATE that shut out shit that he does. I speak to him and he totally ignores me.

I feel like he has become quite selfish of late, and it hurts because he was always so selfLESS. It's all him him him. It doesn't matter that I want him to come to the wedding, HE doesn't want to go. He wants to spend $800 on a new computer knowing full well that I never EVER use it, but gets mad at me if I suggest we go away for a weekend - something we can enjoy together - yelling that he can't afford it. It's all about the things he wants (or doesn't want).

I think he has always been the same person, however I have changed more than I could have ever thought. When I think about the person I was when I was 21 when I met him, so naive and gullible, it makes me mad. When we met I was going through a very tough time and he was the only person there for me, I think I may have confused my admiration and gratitude with being in love. I have got more independence and confidence, more than I ever thought I had in me, and I feel like I am ready to take on the world... he on the other hand is happy to sit at home on the computer.

[vashti]

You were still growing up when you met him, and now you have outgrown him. You should move out and live on your own.

[VincenzoG91]

I agree with Vashti. People tend to go through a lot of changes in their 20s, and it makes sense that your relationship might not have been able to keep up with the changes. IF you two were able to communicate calmly about the issues, it's possible that you could work things out, but it doesn't sound like your communication styles are compatible either. Though, for what it's worth, my girlfriend and I had to overcome our differences in communication style. When there is conflict, I like to have it all out right away and get everything talked about as soon as possible. My girlfriend tends to retreat from conflict and cut off contact for even days. Now we have worked out that I will back off if she gives me a definite raincheck, a somewhat later time and date when she promises to talk things out. And generally, we're communicating better anyway, so we're dealing with issues before they get too heated.

[SecretlySad]

You know it's amazing how many people tell me I have outgrown him, and I have never quite understood what it meant. Did I hold him up on some pedestal when we met because he was this older, wise man who taught me so much, but now that I have grown into myself and gained more confidence I want to get out there on my own? It almost sounds like I used him and don't need him anymore - God it seems so harsh and unfair!

Unfortunately I feel like I gave up on communicating a long time ago. I just got sick of the days of ignoring me (we live together in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment mind you, so he would avoid me in our own home). It used to upset me so much but now I feel like I just don't have time for the games anymore. Tell me what is wrong and talk to me about it like a grown man. I understand sometimes boys need time to chill out when they're mad, but when you still don't want to talk about it 3 days later, something is not working.

[VincenzoG91]

To be brutal about it, one possible reason that he is dating someone so much younger is that he didn't think he could handle a woman his own age, someone he would have to face as an equal. So at this point, you might even be more mature than he is, at least in terms of dealing with people. Still, 7 years is a long time together, there must have been some basis for compatibility. What was that basis, and is there anything left of it? Depending on the answer, it might be worth a serious talk to try to re-kindle things, or it might be best to just break up and move on.

[SecretlySad]

To be brutal about it, one possible reason that he is dating someone so much younger is that he didn't think he could handle a woman his own age, someone he would have to face as an equal. So at this point, you might even be more mature than he is, at least in terms of dealing with people. Still, 7 years is a long time together, there must have been some basis for compatibility. What was that basis, and is there anything left of it? Depending on the answer, it might be worth a serious talk to try to re-kindle things, or it might be best to just break up and move on.

Well I was a very different person then to the person I am now. I was very dependant and a serial monogamist who always had to have a man around. When I was going through a tough time he was the only one there for me... did I confuse my gratitude and admiration for love? Maybe. I was under such a spell for YEARS when we first started. I worshipped him and the things he taught me. I may have been the same way with any older man, who knows? Maybe I held him up way too high and after seeing just how human he is, became sorely disappointed?

There is no doubt we get on like a house on fire, but as time has gone on, I have started to wonder if there is a future anymore... with the age gap and all that... maybe there is still some of that scared little girl in me who doesn't want to be alone?

Actually right now my main worry is hurting him. He really is a good person.

[lahnnabell]

How present was your dad in your life while you were growing up?

[SecretlySad]

Dad... was always there but he drank a lot.

My parents both drank and every weekend was pretty traumatic (arguments, sometimes turning physical) and the memories still haunt me a little. I can still hear my dad slapping my mum across the face one night when they were arguing in bed. I ran in to find mum holding her cheek and drunk dad looking at me, swaying and asking what the f my problem was. I might have been 12 or 13.

I know that sounds melodramatic but it's true. He would often hit the bottle and tell me I will never amount to anything and all I cared about was boys and music. When he was sober he was my best friend and I adored him, but drunk he was completely different.

Mum, being so terribly intimidated by him, allowed it to go on.

I don't know if that's the answer you were looking for...?