Dumped out of the blue

[ben86]

I'd been seeing a girl for just over three months, and things had been going really well, we never argued or anything and everyone said we make a really nice couple. She was on holiday for 2 weeks and got back a week ago, and whilst she was on holiday she kept saying how much she loved me and how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and eventually start a family and things. Since wednesday she suddenly started not replying much to txts and not wanting to meet up, she went out on the tuesday night and i took her virginity on the sunday and she started taking the pill on thursday for us and assumed she was just not talking because she said she felt ill because she was on her period and just started taking the pill. Then all of a sudden on Saturday she said we needed to talk and wouldn't say a great deal but i knew she was dumping me but just couldnt say it, in the end i had to and she just nodded. She said she thought she loved me but didn't, and wanted a break and some time to her self because she was really confused but i said id rather just split up then have a break bcus i was so hurt. Then that evening I was going out and she texted me asking if i was ok and said she was so sorry and crying and heart broken and that she still loves me and asked to meet up, I was extremely upset so I basically I was glad she was upset because she should be. From what I've found out the only problem is she's 18 and feels like shes not ready to settle down yet and just wants to have fun and said she feels like she can never be herself around me which i want her to be. Have i got any chance of getting her back?

[cmacattack1]

I know you want to have her back, but if you were to have her back right now, it would just end badly for you. Trust me on this one. She's hurt, confused, upset and nothing good can come of that as a reason for starting a relationship again. This is what she wanted, she's facing the consequences and she's facing it on her own. It's scary for her. If she really needs this time on her own, she should use it to really take a look at herself and gain a little perspective. It's not easy when she's in the emotional shitter right now but you have to be strong and resist this. If anything, you'd be taking her back because you feel guilty and don't want to see her like this. That's not how your relationship started remember? It's not a good foundation.

Relationships are hard work and take a good deal of commitment and effort. But they are well worth it in the end. If she doesn't want to put forward that effort and instead having her own time and her own fun, that's what she wants. Currently she's torn and she would like the best of both worlds, you whenever she is feeling lonely and when she isn't, you to disappear. And we all know how that works out in the end. Not good.

Sorry if I make relationships sound like a job. They are in a way, but they are also very fun too. Don't forget to have fun with that special someone.

[ben86]

That's why I don't get why she's decided it so quickly and when she's been saying her head is all over the place at the minute, she said she just needed space because she was confused and I kinda pushed the issue to be honest because i wanted to know what was wrong so i could help. I think that is why she wants time on her own though, because she started crying down the phone last night when i said it's over I'm gonna delete your number, she was like begging me not to and saying she basically just wanted to have a break to get her head together. I'm the first boyfriend she's had, she's 18 and I'm 24 so everything's really new to her at the minute, like going out on nights out and being with someone and things and I just thinks it's all kinda caught up with her.

[cmacattack1]

I know you want to help, and have the best intentions, but she does really need this time on her own. She doesn't want to lose you in the process, hence the begging part. Don't be a jerk and say you are removing her from your life because you really don't know how you will feel in the future. Don't put any more pressure on this situation then she is already feeling. It hurts now, but you can certainly suck it up and handle it. Give her the space you needs, and allow her to make the steps to come back towards you. 18 is a pretty dynamic time in a person's life, you can certainly say you have come a long way from when you were 18, wouldn't you say? It's a time of discovery, growing, maturing and it doesn't come without the growing pains. You just took her virginity on top of that. To lose that to somebody is a pretty powerful thing psychologically for her.

If you really care about her, don't push the issue and just let her mull over the issues. See where you are in a couple weeks.

[ben86]

I know, I don't want to, it's just I was only deleting it because I know I'd keep hassling her otherwise when I know she needs time on her own. I'd absolutely love it if she did change her mind and would take her back in an instant, it wouldn't be out of guilt on my part in the slightest because I love and I'm crazy about her, my only concern is guilt on her part and just doing things not to upset me but then she sounded so upset when I said I was deleting her number. I texted her a minute ago because I got her number off a friend, and asked if she was ok but she hasn't got back, and i know I shouldn't have sent it, which was why i deleted her number. I know, that's why I was expecting her to be a bit mixed up this week, I was just hoping she recognized that she was all over the place and hadn't have broken up with me!

[xxazurexx]

Sorry hon, but at 18 I'm not surprised she's had a change of heart and doesn't want to settle down.

The last thing I was thinking about when that age, was husband, marriage, babies and happy ever after with the first guy that came along. Crikey, at that age I was still a kid myself lols.
No disrespect but I think it's rather silly to be thinking marriage and babies after knowing someone only 3 months!
What is the rush and why the rush? And is it any wonder the divorce rate is so high.

I know the age gap isn't that huge, but I think you are different stages in your life. She is only 18, you are 24. While you may be looking for something a little more and ready for something more (my husband was 24 when we married), she obviously is not and is wondering what else is out there.

And people don't normally decide 'that' quickly, that they don't want to be in a relationship anymore. And when they do decide 'that quickly and end it 'that' quickly, it's because they checked out of the relationship some time ago and without your realising it. Some people are just good at pretence and can pretend everything is ok. Which is why you are now 'dumbfounded' over why she just walked away like that.

Only thing I can suggest is giving her space. I guess in doing this, you leave her in a situation where she has time to think and on her own, about what it is she truly wants and to figure out if you do fit into her life or not. And she won't know if she is gonna miss ya, unless you back off and quit being there for her whenever she comes calling.

[xxazurexx]

She doesn't want to lose you, incase she finds nothing better out there. Sorta keeping you on the 'backburner' just incase.....

Case of GGS....Greener Grass Syndrome.

[ben86]

I wasn't saying anything about marriage or kids or anything though, it was all coming from her! Yeah that's what I thought and she said that too that it had been building up for a while, I just can't understand why she'd then say all that stuff about wanting to spend the rest of her life with me only a few days ago! Yeah definitely, her friend's just with her and she said she just needs time and space, so I just promised I'd leave her alone until she wants to talk and said I only deleted her number to avoid pestering her because I knew I would and know she just needs space.

[ben86]

I think that might be partially true, that's one of the reasons she said she didn't know what to do because she said she was worried that she'd regret it for the rest of her life if she did leave me.

[xxazurexx]

I wasn't saying anything about marriage or kids or anything though, it was all coming from her! Yeah that's what I thought and she said that too that it had been building up for a while, I just can't understand why she'd then say all that stuff about wanting to spend the rest of her life with me only a few days ago! .

OK....so what I reckon has been going on is this.

She said it's been building up for some time, which means that she has been unsure of this for some time.

Despite her doubts, she has remained in the relationship with you and perhaps tried to dismiss these doubtful thoughts. Hence why everythings appeared to be ok.
Maybe she also thought that she could turn this around and make it work again, if she tried harder. She has tried, but no matter how much effort she has been putting in to try and make it work, her feelings havn't changed and she is still feeling the same way, unsure.

Lots of people, rather than just walk away, will try and make it work and try to get back those feelings again that they had felt previous.

But people can only keep up pretence for so long. And when they no longer can, that is usually when they choose to exit....

[ben86]

She said the only thing that had changed was where she'd got back from holiday and been out with her mates, she said that's when the doubts started before when she went out with her friends because she has more fun with them. I said that's natural because you're on a night out with a group of mates rather than just being in a house with one person. Then she bought up one of her guy friends from work who she says she has more fun with so knows she can have fun with guys, but made it absolutely clear that she's not interested in him like that. I just don't understand why she doesn't want the best of both worlds because I want her to see her mates and have a good time, and that she'd have told me rather then saying nothing was wrong so I'd have known and could've tried to do something about it!

[xxazurexx]

Don't buy it!!! It's an excuse.

If you are a guy that doesn't mind she goes out with friends in order to enjoy herself, then you are right.....she could easily have the best of both worlds!!

Yet rather than have the best of both worlds, she has chosen to end it with you.

Think about it!!!!

You know I hate to say this, but it wouldn't surprise me if there is some other guy in the picture, only you are not aware of it yet.

[ben86]

I'm 99% sure there's no other guy on the scene, that's the only guy she ever talks about or anything and he's got a girlfriend and she said she stayed over his the other day after a bbq and promised me nothing happened and I believe her but that she felt so guilty for it because she said she only would if everyone else did and made sure it was ok with me and i said ok and then she stayed there when everyone else didn't. She said she's not interested in him in the slightest, its just where he's been a good mate for a long time she knows she can have a laugh with guys so it might just be that she cant with me. That's really not even crossing my mind and I'm extremely protective and kinda paranoid but I know she's not.
I think she doesn't think she can have both that's the thing, because when we started seeing each other I was very very protective of her when she was out on her own and she used to have to text me every 5 minutes to make me feel better, so it spoilt her nights. Whereas I completely trust her now so when she was out this week I left her to it!

[ben86]

And after she went out those few times a while back was the only time she'd ever mentioned anything, the next day after she'd been out she text me saying she wasn't sure if she was ready for commitment and just wants to enjoy herself. but then instantly texted me saying she was really sorry and completely didnt mean it and that her head was all over the place.