what does it take to be considered girlfriend material??

[sehvral]

i have tried to be busy to try not to feel lonely but it doesnt seem to change that. because most of my friends have boyfriends or are seeing boys.. when i busy myself with them that is what they talk about which leads me to feeling lonely and wishing i was home alone. and if i avoid clubs.. i will be at home alone feeling lonely because my friends in relationships will be with their boyfriends while the single girls will be at the clubs. n staying busy with school work depresses me even more, n going to the gym is where i think too much. i have started tennis again though, so thats something new to think about. and i have been trying really hard lately to go to concerts and events to have fun and take my mind off it.. but when im at these events i always find myself thinking about how it would be cool if i could do this stuff with a boyfriend. lol i cant help it no matter what im doing, its like a boy is haunting my mind, and im not even going to get into getting to sleep at night or my dreams. i wont be going to the local clubs so much this yr though cos its the year of the 21st birthday parties, so theyll be taking up alot of my weekends, maybe i will meet someone at one of those.

i find it so interesting that u say u have met people in so many places like that, cos that never seems to happen to me or anyone i know for that matter lol. I want to stop looking cos everyone says u always find someone when ur not looking, but i feel like its always there subconsciously. i guess thats why its always the same people in relationships time and time again, while the same people always seem to be single. well thats what i have noticed anyway. because the ones in relationships arent looking for a new one when they get out of one, so they find one quickly. but the single people r always looking and not finding lol go figure.

I think what i want is a loose relationship because im not ready to settle down completely but i want a guy to hang out with, i dont even care if we r not exclusive. But then theres that whole double standard where girls in loose relationships r labelled sluts so i dont know. I just want to find a guy who is cool with having a relationship, but isnt going to get all serious on me and have a bunch of drama. Its just i see some of my friends who just sit at home with their boyfriends n i think i dont want to be like that i would find that boring cos i like to go out and socialise. And yeah I think part of my problem is that the first thing guys see about me is that i am a party girl, n everyone knows first impressions go a long way. I feel like i am learning so much right now

I hear that a lot from my single female friends. Every time they complain about how hard it is to find single guys, I bring them along for a weekend of whatever I'm doing. Without fail, they always find a few.

In your case, don't go places with your taken friends. The appeal of staying busy is that you are socializing with other singles. If you spend all your time hanging with couples, it will just remind you of what you don't have. Find a group of random people doing something and go do it, by yourself. Join a tennis club, go take a rock climbing lesson at your gym if they have a wall, hit up a blues festival or a crafts fair, go take a class on gardening at Home Depot, etc. Whatever events your particular town has going on. If you see a guy and he isn't with a girl, there's a fair chance he's single. This is what we do to find single ladies, after all =)

The perpetually single types (who are good looking) are often clueless about how to find other singles. Others are content being single (I'm currently taken, but I found over time that I could enjoy single life, so I didn't look very hard, she actually approached me).

Loose relationships can be tricky, and it *really* helps if you're willing to commit to being exclusive. Even for guys, it isn't easy to completely separate sex from feelings, at least for the decent guys. Now, if you are really just looking for a male booty call, that's a lot easier to find, particularly in the age range you're likely looking for.

The advantage to finding single guys at these events is that you already know he likely isn't the type to veg on the couch all day. You met him when he was out, being active and socializing. You already have some compatibility with him in that regard.



On a different topic, here's a little trick you can try if you're into a guy who goes in for a kiss, but not enough to be ready to snog him. I did this to a lady a while back, but it works great on guys as well. She was a friend of a friend, *very* dominant and liked to show it. We were with a bunch of friends having dinner. When I went to leave, she decided to show that dominance, grabbed my hair as I'm walking away, spins me around and goes in to kiss me. At the last second, I slipped my finger between our lips. Without moving my head, maintaining eye contact, I reached back, removed her hand and stepped away from her. Kept my finger on her lips until my arm was fully extended, then turned around while giving the tiniest of smiles and walked off.

Do that to a guy, and he will be thinking about you for DAYS. It gives you time to find out what he's really like, and lets you control the pace without outright rejecting him. You're giving him a reason to chase you, but you aren't going so far that you're labeled as easy.

[Gigabitch]

Try dressing and acting more conservatively just for one weekend. It might make a world of difference.

[cheeky&sexy]

Thanks everyone for your input, i have read all of your posts and am taking it all into account. The advice about rejecting a kiss from 2 posters was good too. i will try those if need be, but i think i should just stop the conversation before it even gets to there, i mean ive realised that if they feel confident enough to go in for the kiss, ive obviously talked to them for too long and flirted more than i should have if im not really interested. so i blame myself for that, and i have to remember that just cos a guy starts dancing with me i shouldnt feel like i have to kiss him. im sure that prefer me to blow them off if im not interested anyway, but nicely, cos as soon as u kiss them they follow u around all night and i have no one to blame but myself for leading people on but i dont do it intentionally. i rarely kiss guys anymore though, and ive only been kissing ones i already know and have some interest in, with the occasional random, so i have been making progress for a few months now. i definately dont kiss a guy every time i go out anymore.

This weekend im going to try and be more conservative and see what happens. ive noticed though that when i do this i dont get approached as much, which makes sense cos i dont look easy, but i guess that is a good thing. i just feel like when im out i want to entertain the boys and i dont want them to think i am boring.. so when im conservative i feel like im being boring and theyre not going to be interested. that sounds silly i know, i think its just cos wen i was in high school i was the shy/quiet girl who didnt get much attention. so when im entertaining the boys and making them laugh i love the attention that i was deprived of when i was younger, and because ive been accused of being boring before behind my back, i feel like i have this constant voice in my head telling me not to be boring so i try to be the life of the party. i really dont want to just be noticed because of my looks.. and if im being conservative i feel like im only being judged on my looks and that im not really showing through my personality. u know those girls that just stand there and look pretty but r kinda boring.. i dont want to be like that. so i try to be the fun girl so they think of me as 'the fun one' but then i dont get taken seriously.

So, back to the original question, what do you do for fun?

i go to parties and clubs for fun lol. i also just hang out with friends doing the usual things, but we do go to events and concerts but we never meet anybody at these things. i never meet guys at my gym cos the guys and girls areas are seperate.. so we just tend to stare at each other but no one ever mingles. im starting tennis soon but the 2 guys in my team r in relationships and i doubt i will meet someone from another team, but i guess u never know. and at my uni i never seem to have the opportunity to talk to guys, all of my friends r girls i dont know how that happened but it has. my uni is not very social, everyone just goes there, does the work, goes home, or only shows up half the time. and i go to uni in another area so id prefer not to have a bf that lives far away anyway. and i dont work atm but maybe i will find a part time job where i will meet a boy.

Someone had the same problem, you have to check the "remember me" button when logging in.

thanks for that

damn it.. 'unlit' there were a few things in particular i pointed out about your post that i wanted to respond to but then i lost my post! but basically the points i was getting at is that i try my best to be well rounded.. fun, smart, attractive, interesting. i dont think anyone labels me as simply 'the hot one' and the last thing i want to do is rely on that to define who i am socially. im always trying to entertain and show that i have personality. i do have faults, one of them being that i try too hard to impress the guys and make them want me, but i can say with absolute certainty that the guys and their group of friends who also know me, do find me entertaining and funny. i get what ur saying that sometimes guys just laugh at anything a girl says cos they want to get laid.. but its pretty easy to tell the difference between whose genuine and whose not after having encounted so many guys. im sure i have bored guys before n they didnt find me funny.. but with the ones ive actually liked i really dont think that is the case, i go to alot more effort with them to show i have a personality and its obvious to me they enjoy my company, and i can never understand y they choose some other girl over me every time. Im sorry to hear about your boyfriend also, it seems like u r approaching the situation in a very mature way and therefore u will probably be fine. i do get that guys just want to score at clubs, which is why i try my best to get them to like me as a person and set myself apart from the other girls they only want for sex. i mean it always probably starts with the guy just wanting to get with me.. but some of them we keep up the communication regularly n i would think that theyd be liking me as a person as well as wanting me sexually, the more time we spend together. i think maybe the problem is that the guys i like think theyre just another guy to me, n that i treat all guys like i treat them and just want sex which isnt the case. i do have a high sex drive though and when i go out im always thinking about wanting to do the guys im into, so i think i might come off as sexually aggressive. when i think about guys its usually just about how sexually attracted to them, which i know is bad and i shouldnt prioritise it so highly, its just hormones getting the better of me.

[Cbrider]

Most long term or serious relationships don't blossom out of a one night stand, something you should remember.

If you make yourself and easy target, guys are going to jump all over that - but can you blame them? You need to make a guy work for what he wants to an extent. I have met plenty of girls who are ready to drop the top halfway through the first or second date, its not attractive if you want more than a quick lay.

From what you said, it sounds like you try and "mold yourself to the crowd" so to speak. That works in used car sales and politics, but falls short in everyday life. Its tempting to try and be what you think the guy wants to see, but in the end, its a fast route to failure. I have done it in the past, and learned from my mistakes. I act as the person I am, I make people laugh easily, I speak my mind and have definitive beliefs on things. Yes, it pisses people off and gets people up at arms with me, but so what? I'm not here to make everyone happy and my friend, I am here for the people that matter to me and my own interests. You can't please everyone, so you better please yourself.

Time will teach you who's interested in you and who's interested in what's in your pants. I find that my instinct's are usually right no matter what my eyes and ears tell me.

The two things that I see women do at bars that immediately turn a lot of guys off are:

1. Makeup. A little bit looks good and accents your looks, but you're not fooling anyone. Platinum is not a natural skin tone.
2. Cell phone, put it away. Standing around, texting in a club or bar is not a source of positive attention.

Males:

1. This one always seems to ring true; the brand name guys are usually arrogant as hell. You know who I am talking about, the guy with the $150 jeans, the Affliction shirt and the Tapout hat. I have friends that wear that stuff and conform to that image, and they are all arrogant and stupid as hell in public. You like UFC, you think that girls will be impressed with your flying knee you have been practicing in the garage in case some fool looks at you the wrong way. We get that.
2. The guys who stand around and make fun of other people. Its easy to stand on the sideline and point at someone dancing who isn't the most skilled. Guess what? They do the same thing behind your back.

[BubbleFreak]

When I met my boyfriend there was another girl (one of my best friends at the time, pft) who also liked him. She was very flirty and attractive, chased him to the point she started inviting him to things and telling him not to bring me along, but my boyfriend didn't like her the way he liked me because he thought I was not only beautiful, but interesting as well. Some guys will see past what you look like and appreciate your personality. At least mine does.

[cheeky&sexy]

^I hope so, i am glad u r lucky enough to have found a guy that does.

Males:

1. This one always seems to ring true; the brand name guys are usually arrogant as hell. You know who I am talking about, the guy with the $150 jeans, the Affliction shirt and the Tapout hat. I have friends that wear that stuff and conform to that image, and they are all arrogant and stupid as hell in public. You like UFC, you think that girls will be impressed with your flying knee you have been practicing in the garage in case some fool looks at you the wrong way. We get that.

lmao this guy is so my type that u describe. i go for the jock types who are a little arrogant and wear brand names. my brother teases me all the time about it and bags the hell out of them but i cant help but constantly be drawn to this same guy over and over again. that is the type of guy u were referring to am i correct? im not from the USA so i can only assume what u meant by that paragraph but i think we are thinking of the same type of guy, i just happen to be attracted to them. arrogance is a turn off, but i really like confidence and a bit of cockiness to go with it is ok, and i like it when guys care about their appearance and go to the effort, and the whole sporty football/basketball player athletic guy turns me on.

But on a more serious note in response to the rest of your post.. i dont put on so much makeup that it looks trashy or too much. i use it to make me look prettier, it doesnt make me look like a whore the way i do it, i dont wear loads of eyeliner or orange foundation or bright red lip stick. i dont have my phone out much at clubs either, if i get a couple of texts ill try to end the convo asap.. at that time of the night theyre usually just guys who want to booty call me n i dont even bother to respond to alot of them, so thats not the issue. when im out im having fun and not texting, i dont want it to look like im taken and messaging a guy.

I try to be myself while trying to get the guy to like me at the same time.. i guess cos im young im still not really so sure about who i really am. i feel like i have multiple personalities that i use with different people in scenarios. it is interesting to feel like i live different lives and am many different people at different times of the week, but i get confused and im not really sure who i am and which version of me is real or fake anymore. but i think guys probably are sensing that im trying to impress them, n that might lead them to think that im trying to be someone im not. i dont mean to try and be someone im not, i just feel like my personality is very conflicting. like some people would say im shy, others would say im outgoing, for example.. it just depends on the situation.But yeh u r right i shouldnt be trying so hard to please everyone, i never seem to see the flaws in the guys i like or expect them to please me, so i should focus more on them rather than myself and how i am acting.

i am not an easy target, but i feel like guys are surprised to learn this. like when some guys found out i was a virgin they were shocked and had this kind of creepy fascination with me for months. i wish my instincts were right, i just find it hard to trust them now, i think i should follow my instincts and trust them but it hasnt gotten me very far. And yes, i would never have a one night stand with a guy who i would like a relationship with.

[lahnnabell]

i feel like i have multiple personalities that i use with different people in scenarios.

This is what he means by "conforming to your surroundings". It's okay to do that, but don't feel that you have to alter yourself too drastically in order to keep a guy interested. There is almost nothing more that I loathe than trying to have a meaningful conversation with a guy who only pretends to understand what I'm talking about. I can tell from their one word replies that the train isn't gonna be leaving the station anytime soon. I do my best to exit gracefully and not be a bitch, but it really depends on how short my fuse that particular night 'cause some guys can be persistent.

[cheeky&sexy]

the thing is though that with the last guy i was and still am really into, i finally thought i found someone who accepted me for me. Id never felt so comfortable before, i felt like i could just be myself around him and he liked me. And now that his chosen another girl over me, i guess its brought back that feeling that being me isnt good enough. I dont want to conform to my surroundings, i just find it tends to happen without me even realising it, i think ive just been doing it for so long now and i can adapt easily to many different surroundings and around different types of people that it naturally happens. I never pretend to understand what someones talking about when i dont, or pretend to like something they like when i dont.

[unlit]

The two things that I see women do at bars that immediately turn a lot of guys off are:

1. Makeup. A little bit looks good and accents your looks, but you're not fooling anyone. Platinum is not a natural skin tone.
2. Cell phone, put it away. Standing around, texting in a club or bar is not a source of positive attention.

Can I possibly add plucking your eyebrows to hell to this? I HATE this look on girls. It's ridiculous, and I associate it with high-fashion, high-maintenance drama queens because the only people I know who do this, pluck their eyebrows into an itty bitty line, are high-maintenance drama queens! I mean, I'm a girl so I guess it's not my opinion that matters so much, but what do guys think of this?


And cheeky&sexy, it is hard to find 'you'. Especially when you're 20 ad have a life that has so many different things and situations going on. Adapting is something you do as you try to find out who you are most comfortable being. I don't think I was fully comfortable with myself in any situation until about a year ago.

[the_robot]

Can I possibly add plucking your eyebrows to hell to this? I HATE this look on girls. It's ridiculous, and I associate it with high-fashion, high-maintenance drama queens because the only people I know who do this, pluck their eyebrows into an itty bitty line, are high-maintenance drama queens! I mean, I'm a girl so I guess it's not my opinion that matters so much, but what do guys think of this?

I agree with that. I'm not very fond of make up though, I think more than a bit of makes pretty girls look ugly and ugly ones... well they don't get better, just ridiculous.

[sehvral]

I'll third the plucking. As long as you have exactly *two* eyebrows, no plucking is required.

If you're wearing enough makeup that I can tell you're wearing it, you're wearing too much =)

[sehvral]

lmao this guy is so my type that u describe. i go for the jock types who are a little arrogant and wear brand names. my brother teases me all the time about it and bags the hell out of them but i cant help but constantly be drawn to this same guy over and over again. that is the type of guy u were referring to am i correct? im not from the USA so i can only assume what u meant by that paragraph but i think we are thinking of the same type of guy, i just happen to be attracted to them. arrogance is a turn off, but i really like confidence and a bit of cockiness to go with it is ok, and i like it when guys care about their appearance and go to the effort, and the whole sporty football/basketball player athletic guy turns me on.

i am not an easy target, but i feel like guys are surprised to learn this. like when some guys found out i was a virgin they were shocked and had this kind of creepy fascination with me for months. i wish my instincts were right, i just find it hard to trust them now, i think i should follow my instincts and trust them but it hasnt gotten me very far. And yes, i would never have a one night stand with a guy who i would like a relationship with.

As far as instinct goes, that comes with time. The challenge at your age is figuring out if what you're listening to really *is* your instinct, or if it is an emotional response (ie, do you trust the hot guy because your instinct says so, or because you're really horny and *want* him to be the right guy). Aside from a few base animal tendencies (attraction and trust are not part of this), instinct can be molded and adjusted.

If what you're doing and who you're going after isn't working, time to try something new. You could change your venue, change your actions, or even change *who* you go after. Who you are attracted to, even at a purely sexual level, changes over time, and you can (to some extent) speed the process up. I'm the best man at a wedding next month. The bride is an old friend of mine who is an absolute stunner, could have *any* guy in a room. She's marrying another friend I introduced her to, a fellow nerd, and the complete opposite of the guys she used to go after. Now I've got three of her hot friends all asking me to set them up with some of my nerd buddies after hearing her rave about her future husband.

You can change your dress, mannerisms, etc all you want. But if the root problem is that you're going after loser guys, you'll wind up in the same spot all over again. Take a chance on guys you might not normally go for. You've got nothing to lose by trying, and who knows what you might find?
=)

[davidtorres]

kissing random guys just makes you a NON- gf material and dude, u type LONGGGGGGGGG!

[cheeky&sexy]

i dont do it often anymore, and that doesnt mean im not gf material at all. i wouldnt cheat on a guy or even kiss another guy while im dating someone, even if we're not exclusive. but when im single and not dating anyone, i dont see y doing that makes me not gf material. i dont think that about boys who kiss random girls.. it is just kissing.

and lol at all the eyebrow talk. just to clarify, my eyebrows are fine. i agree with u that the extremely thin look is bad, its one of my pet peeves too i cant stand talking to someone with barely there eyebrows cos i cant stop looking at them it drives me nuts!

As far as instinct goes, that comes with time. The challenge at your age is figuring out if what you're listening to really *is* your instinct, or if it is an emotional response (ie, do you trust the hot guy because your instinct says so, or because you're really horny and *want* him to be the right guy). Aside from a few base animal tendencies (attraction and trust are not part of this), instinct can be molded and adjusted.

If what you're doing and who you're going after isn't working, time to try something new. You could change your venue, change your actions, or even change *who* you go after. Who you are attracted to, even at a purely sexual level, changes over time, and you can (to some extent) speed the process up. I'm the best man at a wedding next month. The bride is an old friend of mine who is an absolute stunner, could have *any* guy in a room. She's marrying another friend I introduced her to, a fellow nerd, and the complete opposite of the guys she used to go after. Now I've got three of her hot friends all asking me to set them up with some of my nerd buddies after hearing her rave about her future husband.

You can change your dress, mannerisms, etc all you want. But if the root problem is that you're going after loser guys, you'll wind up in the same spot all over again. Take a chance on guys you might not normally go for. You've got nothing to lose by trying, and who knows what you might find?
=)

I think theres some truth to your first sentence.. i probably want him to be the right guy so i convince my mind that he is. what i think is my instinct telling me we're ment to be together may not be my instinct at all but just my hormones.. but its hard to tell for sure.

I guess i am not looking to get married any time soon, probably not even going to be thinking about it till late 20s-30, so the type of guy i go for is going to be the one im most sexually attracted to. when im older and actually ready to settle down, then its likely my type will change and i will go for the guys who would probably make a better husband. that is interesting story though about your friend and her friends asking u to set them up with nerds. i cant help it though i just have a type u know, and i dont believe they are loser guys. They are athletic jock types, but the ones i like r also smart, well liked, funny, charismatic and personable, and probably have a good career ahead of them too. Half the problem is that there is a high demand for them i guess they r wanted by a lot of the girls. But i think ur right in saying i should look outside the box. I think instead of going for the guy that stands out at the party, i might look for the quieter types on the sidelines who arent being surrounded around. Quiet guys just arent really my type though because i am fairly quiet myself when im not out at the clubs, n i enjoy being with the more confident types because they bring out the best in me, i am more talkative around them and they bring me out of my shell. When i meet a quieter guy i feel like its a boring conversation and we dont have a lot of chemistry, u know how they say people in relationships tend to complement each other n usually its a quieter one with a louder one?

[sehvral]

Nothing wrong with marrying late, actually a good idea in my mind considering what the current divorce rate is. The longer you wait, the more stable your personality is likely to be IMO, particularly if you're waiting till your 30's.

By loser guys, I mean the guys who only care about getting in your pants. Not saying jock types are losers, but the only-out-for-sex loser guys tend to be over-represented in the hot jock demographic (though I've certainly known my share of nerdy guys who are only interested in getting some).

Shy types are interesting, since you don't know initially if he is just shy or fully socially inept. Speaking for myself, a lot of us are only quiet initially. Once you get a conversation started, a lot of us get into our comfort zones and really open up. It is just that initial getting-the-conversation-started part that we have trouble with. I started working at a new company last year, and initially I didn't socialize with anyone. Once a few of my coworkers initiated things, I became a normal guy. I'll keep up with them in any conversation, I've just never been really comfortable making the initial approach (I suspect it is partly from being an only child in a neighborhood with no kids growing up, I played alone and didn't really socialize much). We're not all like the guys from Revenge of the Nerds, I promise *grin*

What you'll probably find over time is that you won't change types, but your criteria will change from "must bes" (he must be tall, he must be athletic, etc) to "can't bes" (all of your deal-breakers: he can't be an alchy, he can't be jealous, etc). The sooner the transition happens, the less likely you are to overlook a good guy because of an artificial set of contraints.

While I have a soft spot for shy ladies, I'm not trying to imply that this type is necessarily better, just different. Think of your early twenties like a wine tasting. You might go into it liking Merlots, but if you sample all the vintages you might discover you like a nice Pinot Noir as well =)