How to keep heart from turning to stone against the opposite sex?

[WorkInProgress]

Left a 16 year marriage over 2 years ago. Did not date for a year. but in the last year and a half I have gotten in to two relationships and gotten my heart broke twice... for the same reason. Every woman that I have dated has been abused by men from their past. And because of this I feel they carry trust issues into our new relationship. Because of this I get accused of things that I never did, and when I try to reassure them that I respect their feelings, but their accusation is not true... the refuse to believe my word and seem to hold onto their feeling with a death grip.

I am so tired of jumping through hoops of trust for women that seem to not have overcome their past. Perhaps I would not mind jumping through the hoops so much if it actually instilled complete trust in me as time goes by... but the unfair statements and accusations that are not correct and cannot be changed by communication is just a deal breaker for me.

So now I am once again heartbroken... did my best... gave my all... was honest and respectful... and no matter how hard I tried, I could not earn her trust. I am just tired of meeting women who put on a great front of being issue and baggage free, then when I get to know them a little I see they have problems like the rest of us... the difference is that I can and do admit that I have issues I am working on and they pretend to be perfect.

I feel my heart turning to stone against women, and I cannot allow that to happen! I do not want to become like the women that I have dated... so damaged from past relationships that I cannot completely trust and make my next girlfriend jump through hoops of trust just like I have been made to do.

When I get my heart broken I take generally a year off from dating to work on myself and allow time for the pain to be healed. But I am 45 and no longer wish to take such a long pause from dating. Time is of the essence and I want to find a woman to spend my life with before I am 50!

When it comes to trust, I trust women that I date to be honest and trustworthy until they prove themselves otherwise. But all the women I date trust no one until enough hoops of trust are jumped through and this can take an indeterminate amount of time. Are there any women out there that just trust?

For all you old school D&D players out there... please cast a Stone to Flesh spell on my heart... because I feel it turning to stone...

[sookie6]

I am completely with you on this.

After my last relationship ended (3 years ago) it took me 2 years to recover (damage was bad very bad).

Then the year after I entered the dating scene again...but very brutal...t'was funny cos each time I met someone I liked i was sure he was the one...silly me...dating is brutal these days you're right...and the men I dated (all 3 of them) were plagued by their ex.

I guess we just need to accept that it's not gonna be so easy to find someone we feel happy with. It's not like when you're in your twenties.

Don't worry about not finding anyone before 50. There is no age to fall in love. It's not a cliche it's very true.

But I know what you're gonna say. I feel the same too....loneliness is tough. Very tough.

[Gigabitch]

Stop.

Dating.

Broken.

Women.

[sookie6]

The thing is past 30, people you're gonna date are all gonna have some past issues with an ex, some very painful stuff often.

And a lot of people don't wait till they are fixed before dating again. They are clearly on the rebound. And that's no good...

[starbuck]

Is turning your heart to stone really going to be productive in the long run, WorkInProgress? I mean, putting walls up will protect yourself, but will also keep others out. It can't really be a long-term strategy for you.

There are lots of women out there without baggage. Or ones that might have been hurt in the past, but refuse to stew in their own juices about it. Go find those women.

[WorkInProgress]

Hi sookie6

Thanks for your post. In all fairness I should state that the lack of trust issue is not just a woman thing, because I am sure that there are a lot of men that have trust issues too... I just want to make sure that I do not become one of them!

Being on the receiving end of lack of trust for no good reason hurts. There is no way that I want to inflict such hurt on the next woman that I date. I am actually thinking to add trust issues to my screening process. And if I smell even the slightest hint of trust issues in a woman, I am going to run for my life!!!

Indeed being lonely is very tough. I am trying to get to a place in my life where I am just OK with being me and being alone. Perhaps when I achieve that I will try my hand at dating again. And I agree... dating is brutal! I do not think it need be nor should be, but it is. I hate dating and I use the word hate for a reason.

[WorkInProgress]

Stop.

Dating.

Broken.

Women.

Kind of hard to do when they lie to you and put on a very convincing front of being baggage free.

[WorkInProgress]

The thing is past 30, people you're gonna date are all gonna have some past issues with an ex, some very painful stuff often.

And a lot of people don't wait till they are fixed before dating again. They are clearly on the rebound. And that's no good...

Ya, good point. I avoid rebounding myself like the plague! And I will not date a woman who is just out of a relationship.

[WorkInProgress]

Is turning your heart to stone really going to be productive in the long run, WorkInProgress? I mean, putting walls up will protect yourself, but will also keep others out. It can't really be a long-term strategy for you.

There are lots of women out there without baggage. Or ones that might have been hurt in the past, but refuse to stew in their own juices about it. Go find those women.

You are right. I will not date until I am over the last girl and my wall has dropped.

As for the women without baggage, or those whom have overcome their past... I wish I could find them. The reality is that upon first glance, it can be very hard to tell the difference from a woman still carrying baggage, and a woman who has worked through her baggage. The woman whom still carries baggage is not going to admit it because she knows she will probibly scare away the man she is dating. But she cannot hide it for long and when he sees it, drama and chaos ensues thus adding to her ever expanding baggage collection.

[bt88]

WorkinProgress,

Sorry to hear about that.

I have to ask you. Did any of these women have an ex boyfriend with drinking issues? What happened to me recently is I got involved with a girl who just dated an alcoholic for 5 years. I did something stupid but not overall terrible to her when i was drunk and she claimed it scared her away, reminding her of her ex. Keep in mind her ex is jobless and lives at home and im a career guy. So do women really let triggers from their past bother them that much? Is it really tough for them to see you as you and not through the lens of their past relationships?

[vashti]

So do women really let triggers from their past bother them that much?

With alcohol (or drugs)? Yes.

Also with physical abuse.

Actually, I have a whole list of deal-breakers based on my personal history. I think anyone with any life experience SHOULD have them.

[bt88]

Thats a fair point, however theres a difference between protecting yourself from past mistakes and then not seeing someone for who they are. Lets say a guy with his life together makes one mistake while drunk, a girl with an alcoholic in her past will automatically see him as that old guy despite it being very clear he isnt like that? That seems really narrow and a little unfair. Might be my perspective though.

[vashti]

It depends on how much positive history she has with him, and also the severity of the mistake.

[WorkInProgress]

WorkinProgress,

Sorry to hear about that.

I have to ask you. Did any of these women have an ex boyfriend with drinking issues? What happened to me recently is I got involved with a girl who just dated an alcoholic for 5 years. I did something stupid but not overall terrible to her when i was drunk and she claimed it scared her away, reminding her of her ex. Keep in mind her ex is jobless and lives at home and im a career guy. So do women really let triggers from their past bother them that much? Is it really tough for them to see you as you and not through the lens of their past relationships?

Ya, she had an alcoholic ex of 16 years. But when her and I were together we never drank, except once and only one drink each.

[WorkInProgress]

Actually, I have a whole list of deal-breakers based on my personal history. I think anyone with any life experience SHOULD have them.

I have deal breakers too. Women who communicate through anger is my prime deal breaker. And sadly the last gal did just that.