First love rekindled - now he's cheating

[wendy123]

Firstly please don’t judge me too harshly. Am in a 28 yr marriage that has not gone too well. No intimacy for over 10 yrs, before that not really sexually compatible. I know - why are we together? Wanted a base for the kids as from a broken home myself.

I need your help. My first real love from 30 yrs ago & I did not marry but could have.Careers in different cities etc parted as friends. Kept in contact xmas etc cards to each others families. Have always held a special place for this man.

7 yrs ago met again in person. I realised I still had strong feelings for him. He is in a good marriage but we started an affair. It has gone on for 7 yrs. I have fallen deeply in love with him again but do not want him to leave his wife as would not want to cause her harm (I know I already am but she does not know)
Now I find out he has been emailing & ringing another past lover for years in a romantic way, plus flirtatious emails with others. She lives in another county & he has not seen her but it is still upsetting. I was very upset and he said is means nothing & is very sorry. I know I have made a fool of myself but am in so deeply I need advise to move on. HELP
I am so hurt and angry with him but am still in love ( crazy but that’s how it is)
How do I move on from this. I will find it hard to give him up.

[lahnnabell]

You know what you need to do. There is nothing else we can help you with.

I dunno why you felt you were so special to this guy. I mean, he's cheating on the woman he's SUPPOSED to be committed to with you. Why should it be such a surprise that he's dicking around with some other old flame?

[xxazurexx]

So it was OK for him to cheat on his wife with you.......yet you are upset that he cheated on you?

Uhm.....I see.

Typical 'other woman' mentality.

My sympathies lie with his wife. I've been in her situation.

[sookie6]

First of, well done for sticking up in your mariage for the sake of your kids.

At least you can find comfort that you have taken your responsibility and stayed in a mariage that provided them stability and security. I just hope you were happy enough in this marriage as 28 years is a long time

About your affair: I understand your being upset and disappointed with your lovers behaviour but as Lanabell said someone who can cheat once is very likely to indulge a second time.

This guy must get some thrill in hooking up with another woman, a thrill that you no longer provide as you have become his established lover. Now he is looking for another affair that will provide him with this clandestine feeling.

I think he is not worth it personally. He comes accross as selfish and coward. Refusing to choose and wanting everything is the best way to end up with nothing. Let him to his own device. It will all blow out in his face at some point.

[Gigabitch]

End things with him to salvage some sense of self respect. You have a lot of rebuilding to do in that regard, so you'd better get started now. This affair is only going to get worse at this point.

[vashti]

First of, well done for sticking up in your mariage for the sake of your kids.

At least you can find comfort that you have taken your responsibility and stayed in a mariage that provided them stability and security. I just hope you were happy enough in this marriage as 28 years is a long time

About your affair: I understand your being upset and disappointed with your lovers behaviour but as Lanabell said someone who can cheat once is very likely to indulge a second time.

This guy must get some thrill in hooking up with another woman, a thrill that you no longer provide as you have become his established lover. Now he is looking for another affair that will provide him with this clandestine feeling.

I think he is not worth it personally. He comes accross as selfish and coward. Refusing to choose and wanting everything is the best way to end up with nothing. Let him to his own device. It will all blow out in his face at some point.

Agree with this in its entirety.

[cmacattack1]

So it was OK for him to cheat on his wife with you.......yet you are upset that he cheated on you?

Uhm.....I see.

Typical 'other woman' mentality.

My sympathies lie with his wife. I've been in her situation.

My sympathies lie with your husband as well. Where is he going to turn now that his last 28 years have been a sham? Although I doubt it would come to a huge surprise to him, I'm sure he's picked up on it somewhere along the way. You must be so drained from trying to keep a smile and be with somebody that doesn't make you happy.

[isay]

No, I don't congratulate you for sticking with someone just "for the kids" PLEASE! That is ridiculous. I would be very angry at my mother if she did that instead of divorcing my father and living a normal healthy life. I think anyone who sticks with someone for "the kids" is just too afraid of taking care of things herself. Your poor husband probably takes care of your family and this is too comfortable for you to give up. You should leave him and go with the cheater you've been with for the past 7 years because you guys seem to be very much alike.
Introduce your poor husband to your lover's wife and maybe they can start something...they too have a lot in common (both being cheated on)

[vashti]

No, I don't congratulate you for sticking with someone just "for the kids" PLEASE! That is ridiculous. I would be very angry at my mother if she did that instead of divorcing my father and living a normal healthy life. I think anyone who sticks with someone for "the kids" is just too afraid of taking care of things herself. Your poor husband probably takes care of your family and this is too comfortable for you to give up. You should leave him and go with the cheater you've been with for the past 7 years because you guys seem to be very much alike.
Introduce your poor husband to your lover's wife and maybe they can start something...they too have a lot in common (both being cheated on)

How many kids do YOU have?

[lahnnabell]

As a child of divorced parents (who spent the majority of my childhood fighting), I agree with isay. When the time finally came and my mother divorced my father, I felt a sweet release. No more negative energy I couldn't control. No more waking up early to the sound of them fighting over money. No more being afraid of my father's tyrannical hold on our lives.

Kids pick up on the negative energy that envelopes a home. You may think that putting on a fake smile and going about your day is the noble thing to do, but I beg to differ. By the time I was 17 and my parent's divorce happened, my relationship with my father had already crumbled, but I had to do everything I could to maintain in school and at work and be civil to him at home. I think staying in the marriage has more benefits for the mom than the kids. Divorced couples can still amiably take care of their children and be civil, but they have to want to work it out. Just like you have to want to work through problems in a marriage (which the OP clearly doesn't care to do, hence the cheating).

[vashti]

No more negative energy I couldn't control. No more waking up early to the sound of them fighting over money. No more being afraid of my father's tyrannical hold on our lives.

It doesn't sound like your parents attempted to act decently, so I can see why you feel this way. Your problem seems to have been more about asshole parents than parents who stayed together for your sake.

[sookie6]

I think anyone who sticks with someone for "the kids" is just too afraid of taking care of things herself.

yes we live in a societies now where sinlge women seem to become a norm but as long as the dad was a decent father I can't see why the children would not have the balanced struture provided by two parents (I was myself brought up by a single mother who although did very well was very much alone in dealing with our issues).

Plus when you dad goes away he very often starts another family with someone else which means that the divorce kids get half of what they should be entitled too (financially and emotionally wise).

So again well done for sticking up for the kids.

[Gigabitch]

I think it's interesting that she says in the thread title that he's cheating "now". He was cheating all along, honey.

[VincenzoG91]

The cheating cheater is cheating again. Also, water is still wet.

[wendy123]

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my question. Yes I know I am an idiot and I needed telling. Funny how we get blinded to what we are doing and I needed a wake up call. I have emailed him and said I do not wish to have any more contact. I could have just ignored him but this way I will not get any unwanted contact from his side as he now knows I have finished with him. Thank you all again. I am now arranging a holiday away with my husband to work things out. 28 yrs is too long a time to throw away. Again Thank you all for taking the time to respond..