Wife & another man fantasy - please help

[ummconfused]

I am new to this forum and im posting this situation out here to people i do not know, because at this point, i am not sure i can share this problem with friends and i definitely want outside advice before i confront my wife with this when she gets home from her parents this week. i apologize if the content here is a little "over the top" so to speak, but i honestly dont know what to do at this initial point.

I have been married for 16 years. Me and my wife are 41, 40 respectively. A few years back, I shared with my wife a fantasy i have had for a long time and that was to see her with another man in a threesome or to have her be with another man when I wasnt there. Either way, the fantasy involved her being pleasured by another man. i explained to her that the fantasy was about her and i doing something extremely adventurous together, even though she would be having sex with another man (possibly with me not there). the thought of us doing something so out of line to our real lives is what completely turned me on about it. it was also the thought of HER being or doing something so completely wild in nature sexually. she is a very conservative person.

The fantasy never evolved much more than talk or via text when she was out with her friends, teasing me that men were flirting, trying to take her home, etc. she told me it could only be just that, a fantasy and for us to only share the thought of doing something like that to stimulate our own sex life.

Her mother is sick and she left this morning (wed) to be with her parents for a few days. I worked last night, late 2nd shift and my parents picked up our kids after dinner to stay with them. they would be watching them since i would be working and my wife would be with her parents. i requested to get out early from work, to spend some time with my wife before she left the next morning. to make a long story short, i came into the house to find her in the bedroom with our neighbor. they did not know i was there and i actually stood there and watched him pleasure her until they were done. we are more acquaintances than friends with him but someone who we have openly talked to about sex with while we have sat around with other neighbors at bbq's and other neighbors parties. there were never any signs before last night, except the silly occasional flirting between my wife and him, which i always assured him to do.

once they were finished, i quickly left the house and just drove away and stayed out until it would have been my expected arrival time after work. by then she was already sleeping. it was 2am when i got home and i stirred for a few hours before finally falling asleep. she was gone before i woke up and i have been afraid to call or text her since.

i dont know how to handle this, because this was MY fantasy and i am the one who initiated the talk and the one who always left the door open for her to be with another man, whether i was there or not. im confused because although i felt jealousy and anger, it was the most sexually exhilarating thing i have ever seen. at first i was mad, because she hasnt mentioned a word about it, but after thinking all day, im sure she is embarrassed and afraid to tell me and her parents situation thrown into the mix doesnt help as far as us being able to discuss this.

I dont know what to do. what to say to her at all. i want to be ale to handle this properly and not drive her away. i just dont know if this is a "cheating" situation or just her "acting out MY fantasy". im hoping this is the latter and i dont know the right things to say to make sure we can communicate properly and keep this open marriage. i know this sounds probably absolutely absurd to everyone who may read this...but please keep an open mind and any advice or comments from those who may have an opinion or experience with this, is greatly, greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Gigabitch]

If she were acting out your fantasy, you'd have known about it. This is cut-and-dried cheating, and it's probably not the first time.

What you do with this is up to you, obviously. If you want to start getting into swinging and "The Lifestyle", you'd better talk to your wife about it. If you want to call it quits, it's your prerogative. You seem to feel more turned on than betrayed, so I think you should tell her you want to be involved next time.

[Incognito]

Wow! WOW!!!! I am not going to down you for your fantasies because everyone has their own, and for different reasons. For the record I tactfully disagree that this should have ever left your head though. Anyway, the fact remains that you specifically said that you'd like this to happen whether you were there or not. You also encouraged flirting between your wife and your neighbor. You shouldn't be at all surprised that this happened. You should also not be surprised if she never brings it up to you since you stated that she is conservative. More than likely she is embarrassed to tell you. That is only speculation though. If you want to fully realize your fantasy then you need to talk to her about it, otherwise it is a simple matter of her cheating on you. Let us know what happens. This is like watching a train wreck happening in slow motion. I personally don't see any good coming from this, but my morbid curiosity is keeping me interested.

[SirWagginston]

I think your path is obvious.

Tell you that you know she's been cheating, and that if she doesn't have a threesome with you, then you'll tell everybody and file for divorce.

[Junket]

I think that if I ever caught my g/f cheating, like in the act...should there be a gun near by, his blood would be on the sheets, and I'd leave her to clean it up.

I'd call her out on it.

[Dogtoast]

INSANE!

You brought this on yourself, you enjoy it, so roll with it.

BUT.....It is cheating if she doesnt tell you about it soon. IMO of course

[ummconfused]

Since initially posting this, i too have thought about whether i could honestly call this cheating, since i did bring this fantasy up myself and have left the door open for her to enjoy it, even when i was not there. what i was hoping would happen, happened...her telling me about it before having to tell her that i saw her with our neighbor. she texted me about an hour ago and generally explained what happened. i explained to her, basically what i explained in this forum but didnt tell her that i watched basically the whole session of them ****ing. she kept telling me this wasnt just for me, it was for you too and telling me it would stop at just this if thats where i wanted it to end. she also told me she had a few "pics" on her cell phone, if i wanted to see them. i want to tell her i watched and of course i want to see the pics but i want to make sure im sensitive to her feelings too and know this isnt just about sex for women. i dont want to seem like im "jumping" or "pushing", now that it's actually happened. i know ideas always seem great before hand, so i want to take delicate care in the after math. any thoughts?

[jloranestes]

Okay- first off, it's not hard to see why you are confused. You set this up and now, within the confines of you rules, it's happened. Since you've never been in this particular situation (thus it's appeal, i imagine) you are going to feel things you didn't expect. Take responsibility and accept that there may have been emotional consequesnces you werne't expecting.

As for what to do- you know what to do. If you want an open and secure relationship with your wife, you need to be have a open and non-judgemental conversastion with her. Let her know what you saw and what your emotional reaction was. Discuss it with her. Explain how you may want to persue this fantasy differently. Try not to accuse her, just tell her what you saw and how it made you feel. If you are open and honest, she will be too.

Good luck!

[davidtorres]

file for divorce.

[Gigabitch]

I'm assuming your neighbor is married too. Is that right?

[Junket]

Isn't it a bit strange she picked your neighbor?

I mean, you have to continue seeing that dude.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe, within the parameters of his fantasy, that's hot.

[ummconfused]

i guess i should explain the "neighbor" a little better. we are in our early forties and he, his mid twenties. he is a neighbor, in the context that he lives on our street. he is more of an acquaintance and someone we do not spend holidays, special occasions or close friend moments with, so to speak. we only see him "passing by" or during street get togethers, such as the "spring party" our neighbors had the day my wife and him were together. She briefly mentioned that it started as playful flirting, when i was there during the day and when i left for work, it just gradually evolved into more. from what she briefly told me, he offered her a ride home from the party when she inquired if anyone could give her a lift, then helped her bring in the food containers she brought to the party and other stuff and then one awkward thing led to another and off the clothes went, ending in our bedroom. to be completely honest, he is average attractive at best, and much younger, so any threat of her leaving for something better does not fit in this situation. im not sure i that helps describe the "neighbor" situation better?

[Mish]

I dont know what to do. what to say to her at all. i want to be ale to handle this properly and not drive her away. i just dont know if this is a "cheating" situation or just her "acting out MY fantasy". im hoping this is the latter and i dont know the right things to say to make sure we can communicate properly and keep this open marriage. i know this sounds probably absolutely absurd to everyone who may read this...but please keep an open mind and any advice or comments from those who may have an opinion or experience with this, is greatly, greatly appreciated. Thank you.

You most likely contributed to this, but if she wanted this to be part of your fantasy she would have notified you on what she was doing. She excluded you from the loop, meaning it was an act of cheating. Completely selfish and uncaring of your feelings or views on the act.

Where to take it from here, is up to you.

[ummconfused]

i think her telling me what happened (less than 24 hours of it happening) at a time where she was with her sick mom and even offering the cell phone pics she took of him and her was including me.