My husband cheated - trying to pick up the pieces

[valdee23]

Last September, I discovered my husband was having an affair - he claims it was an emotional affair, and all I had to go by were our phone records. It was with an old acquaintance from college who called him out of the blue because she was going through a divorce (her husband cheated on her). The next several months were a roller coaster as we tried marriage counseling but no success there. I was putting everything I had into trying to save the marriage and he was not hot and cold, but lukewarm and cold all the time.

In November, I learned they were still communicating by phone (this time, our house phone). He was extremely remorseful again for a few days but then went back to old moods and habits. In December, he asked for a divorce and moved out to his parent's home. Three weeks later, he didn't want a divorce. He moved back in and that barely lasted two weeks because he found himself resenting having to be with me when he knew there was someone else out there. He left AGAIN amidst tears that he loved me, but was afraid of hurting me and didn't know if he could get over what he had with someone else.

About 5 weeks later (by this time its February 2010), we saw each other unexpectedly and had a nice time. He began calling and texting a little more. A few days after this, I did a little snooping and guessed the password to his email. Something about his "emotional" affair just kept bothering me. I have never done ANYTHING like this before but it revealed the truth. The emotional affair he always swore he had was so much more. I saw the emails, the photos, etc. As well as an emotional affair, it was definitely sexual too. I had a breakdown and disappeared for a week. He was frantic with worry over not being able to reach me and when I got back in town and contacted him, he said he did not want a divorce, he wanted to work this out, he wanted to be happy with me again, etc. After he had seen me unexpectedly that day, he realized how much he really loved me and he'd been hoping that we could begin working on things from there. He was very intense for about a week and has since cooled off a lot. He claims that things between us now are "not natural" and "awkward" and he's "finding it hard to be in a relationship with me again". I understand that things don't automatically go back to the way they were and I feel uncomfortable at times as well, but I refuse to let it get in my way? He says that he has had no contact whatsoever with her. Yesterday, I asked him to show me his email accounts so that I can begin on the road to openness and trusting again and he would not go beyond his general inbox because he had other folders with old (so he claims) emails from her. He wouldn't go any further and refused to be open. I told him this was a BIG problem and even though those emails might be months old and he hasn't looked at them in awhile, the fact that he is still hanging on to them sends me a clear message to me.

I have really turned to my faith in all of this but I'm really about ready to thrown in the towel. I believe I've reached my breaking point and while I understand it takes awhile to get over someone else, this is getting ridiculous. I'm tired of him saying one thing and doing another. Any perspectives? Advice? It would be GREATLY appreciated

Valerie

[misombra]

it would be very difficult to get over this, even if you did stay together. he sounds like a cheating asshole. let him go and find yourself a good man who's as dedicated as you are.

do you have kids with him?

[valdee23]

No, thank goodness we do not have any kids. I do agree that it would be difficult to get over this even if we did stay together. I do believe marriages can work after infidelity, but it takes two to do it. I know he cares about the relationship but I also feel like I'm the only one who cares enough to DO something about it. He is doing things, but I feel like its more of a backseat role.

[Gigabitch]

Like is too short to get jerked around like this. He only wants you when he can't have you. he's emotionally retarded and you have every right to find someone better. YOU kept YOUR vows, so you're not the one who messed all this up. He did, and exacerbated the situation by lying and by flaking out on you.

Let him go.

[MissAnn]

It sounds like he expects you to just "get over it" and go back to normality without any kind of discussion or effort on his part. That is ridiculous. I agree that marriages can survive infidelity, but it takes a HUGE amount of effort from both people. If he is unwilling to put in any effort, and to be honest with you than the trust is gone.

[cmacattack1]

It's probably a bit soon to start "working on things" especially when his efforts only last a short period of time before he cools off. Again. And again. He doesn't seem that dedicated and is just afraid of losing you because of what you provide for HIM. Selfishness in it's most purest form.

I know you are scared, hurt, confused, and just about dying on the inside. As your experience has shown you, giving in is just not cutting it for you. It's not getting what you want for a long period of time. You both need time apart, him for figuring out all his confusion and you for getting yourself back to the normal happy woman you used to be. Which is no easy feat. I'm guessing he is going to continue to try until he finds somebody else.

I'm not saying he is unable to change but it just seems too soon.

It's funny how the other woman gets cheated on and then does the same with your husband. I hope she didn't know he was married too. That would be ironic and sad on many different levels.

You have to turn down all his advances for now for the both of you. You need to concentrate and focus on you for the time being. And the time being is going to be most likely months...possibly even years. But you aren't doing yourself any favors by getting involved again right at this time.

[valdee23]

I hear you. My family says much the same thing and I'm beginning to wonder if my heart is telling me this too. I am extremely loyal and stubborn, sometimes to a fault, which I'm afraid it might be here. It is definitely ironic and sad because this other woman knew my husband was married - they had not spoken for six years - she looked him up on the internet and got his phone number. She had a thing for him back in college and he was attracted to her too but he was with me and I guess fate had other ideas.

[Gigabitch]

Be loyal to your future husband- the one who won't cheat on you. This guy is unworthy.

[starbuck]

Agree with all about letting him go. Your husband probably should have never gotten married in the first place since he finds it so easy to form emotional attachments to others. It's too bad that you had to suffer because of his stupidity and selfishness.

I wish I could save your post for all the women who come on here upset because they are the "other woman" involved with a married man and the guy won't leave his wife. Yes, the husbands are to blame as well, but the "other" in that relationship needs to realize how badly they hurt others with their behavior.

[davidtorres]

dump him. he cheated and he cant be open to you? lol dont be a dumbass!

[valdee23]

Thanks everyone for your responses Makes it pretty hard to deny the truth when everyone (including my entire family and some friends) are drawing the same conclusion. I believe my gut is telling me the exact same thing but I've been finding it very difficult to get my heart to fall in line! Well, nobody ever said anything like this would be easy. Thanks again all!

[Gigabitch]

Thanks everyone for your responses Makes it pretty hard to deny the truth when everyone (including my entire family and some friends) are drawing the same conclusion. I believe my gut is telling me the exact same thing but I've been finding it very difficult to get my heart to fall in line! Well, nobody ever said anything like this would be easy. Thanks again all!

Your heart is in jail. Time for a rescue operation!