Former homeschooler, lots of guilt and discomfort

[sgs83]

I was homeschooled through the tenth grade in a very religious home. I’m currently 26, and a lot of attendant social and sexual hang-ups remain. Sorry if the below seems whiney and obnoxious, but I was feeling down and wanted to get this out publicly.

My mother was toxically prudish while I was growing up. When we went to the beach, she would act absolutely revolted with what the women wore, ranting about it the whole time. When confronted with anything sexually suggestive in any context, she would delve into a frenzied hissy fit, ordering me to cover my eyes, etc. She once said that all sex, even within marriage, was sinful. When the guys and the girls in our homeschooling group began hanging out together, she grew very concerned, and later she blew up and started yelling when I wanted to go to Putt Putt with a group containing both genders.

My father wasn’t so much toxically prudish as deeply cynical. He told me once that love is a lie. Women only care about money, and sex is just a tool they use to control men. He insisted that I not date until after college and only then if I had lots of money, and he recommended that I avoid women altogether if I could.

When I began experiencing sexual feelings, I understood them well enough to know that they were sexual, but not enough to understand that they were natural, as I was never given “the talk.” All I knew was that sex was earth-shatteringly dirty and destructive and evil. My days were mostly spent sitting around the house festering in sexual guilt, loneliness, and self-loathing. I fell into a pattern of masturbating to escape, feeling awful for it, and then masturbating more to cope with those feelings. I was worried that by masturbating I was killing myself, or that my parents would lock me in an asylum if they found out. Masturbation became my primary means of dealing with depression, and it remains so today.

I grew reclusive, introverted, gloomy, and self-conscious, particularly around the opposite sex. I’ve never even been on a date. For most of my life, I’ve been weighed down with so much guilt and self-loathing that most of my interactions seem disconnected, like I’m just acting. Generally, I’m friendly enough with people to get along, but I’m so self-conscious that social interactions tend to exhaust me.

During college, I mostly kept to myself, shuttling between work and school and studying a lot since I wasn’t sure what else to do. The upside was that I did very well, graduating with a 3.98 GPA. I’m currently in my second semester of law school on a scholarship. I’ve also managed to stay in decent shape, and I’m not unattractive. Periodically, a girl will try to talk to me, and I’ll sense she’s attracted, but it’s so awkward that I’ll clamp up and run off as soon as possible.

Fundamentally, I remain isolated and depressed, and the feelings are just getting worse. If something requires immediate attention, the stress will override my depression, and I can focus well enough to do what I have to. But if there’s any slack in time, I’m generally so lonely and gloomy that I’ll shut down and accomplish little until I absolutely must. I’ll mindlessly surf the internet, wander around my apartment, go on very long walks, etc. My first semester in law school was a success, but I’m worried that I’ll start slipping if my mood doesn’t improve.

Looking back, I understand that my mother’s sexual hang-ups and my father’s bitterness stem from problems in their marriage. They’ve both mellowed considerably over the years. I feel like I just need to get over all of the depression, but I long for a connection with someone of the opposite sex, and those feelings seem stupid and immature and hopeless. I still feel pathetic for having an interest in women. I have much to be thankful for, and intellectually I recognize that I’m in a good place in life with lots of opportunities. But the gloominess and depression remain.

[Junket]

You need to get laid.

[Doc Durian]

Don't beat yourself up for how you feel, mate. You've been the product of your environment, but your environment has increasingly been your own to dictate and evolve into.

If you're still in Uni, you've got heaps of time to evolve should you need it.

Don't place unreal expectations upon yourself according to what others are doing.

Your parents, your classmates, friends, etc.... they're individuals and don't work along the same wave lengths, nor between themselves either.

Stick to your studies (Success is the greatest aphrodisiac for either potential gender, but especially for women. They gauge prospects on it.)

If you were homeschooled, you need to get up to scratch with the social interactions of common teen years, first, before hitting the college dating circuit.

Hang out with mates, do fun stuff, stare at girls... find some hobbies which bring you in close proximity to the fairer sex. Progress from there... you'll feel your cues instinctively... don't rush it.

And keep your parents at a comfortable distance until you work yourself out.

[Doc Durian]

You need to get laid.

When he's ready...

[sgs83]

Thanks for your thoughts, Doc. You're right that I need to take control, expand my horizons, and ease into a place where I can get into a relationship. The fact that I'm having to play serious catchup on social things that I should've resolved years ago is frustrating, but I suppose one has to start somewhere.

[ftm]

Oh, man. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I was home-schooled, too (though only until 7th grade) and lived in a VERY religious home in which no mention of sex was ever to be made ever ever ever ever, and it took me YEARS to overcome it. I think I really only hit my stride a couple of years ago. I am 27 now.

Look, I don't have time to give you a full response, but I pledge to make a lengthy post on this thread as soon as I have time. In the next couple of days. Just know that I totally understand where you are coming from and am greatly looking forward to giving this topic more attention. Hopefully I'll be able to help in some way.

Take care for now.

[sgs83]

Thanks, ftm. It'll be interesting to hear what you have to say.

[all alone]

gah.. hearing about stories like this make me want to vomit in anger.. I don't understands parents who can do this to children, it disturbs me. You definitely should seek out some professional help. You are not the first such case and will not be the last. A true expert will be able to get the help you need in the most efficient way.

[sgs83]

Thanks for your thoughts, allalone. I have an appointment with a school counselor next Tuesday. I'm pretty excited. Hopefully it will do some good.

[all alone]

Just don't give up right away if you don't like it.. try for a prolonged amount of time, then make a decision. Often time these things take sometime before you start to see the positive effects, so stick with it.

[IndiReloaded]

gah.. hearing about stories like this make me want to vomit in anger.. I don't understands parents who can do this to children, it disturbs me.

Because their parents did it to them, most likely.

sgs83, please get yourself this book:

[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Law#The_War_For_Children.27s_Minds]Stephen Law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]

I would also recommend a number of science fiction authors, but not sure if that's your cup of tea. Best start with this^.

[sgs83]

Thanks for the book suggestion. I'll check it out.

[vashti]

Oh my god! Your parents should be bull-whipped! I consider what they did to be a serious form of child abuse.

I agree that counseling should help.

I send you my heartfelt best wishes for your progress.

[Aeradalia]

Thanks for your thoughts, allalone. I have an appointment with a school counselor next Tuesday. I'm pretty excited. Hopefully it will do some good.

Ask if there are other methods of counseling available too... possibly support groups in the nearby area... couldn't hurt to ask. They'll provide the support you need for the times you may feel overwhelmed or confused.

Counseling will help you to identify and change destructive thoughts, find ways to make peace with your past (and your parents), and give you a more accurate perspective of the opposite sex.

Support groups will help you to realize you're not alone with the sort of mental/emotional abuse you endured during childhood and show that recovery is possible.

There will be times when you're motivated to get past this... but for the times when you fall into depression, all the support comes in handy.