Another 'crisis' moment in our bumpy relationship.

[Spitfire01]

Hello everyone.

Last night was another critical moment in our relationship. It may sound stupid of me asking, but I really don't know what to do.

To make a long story short, I'm living abroad since I moved to be with my girl. This allows me to be with her, but in worse living conditions than my native country, which not making me more happy, on the contrary. Anyway, last night I was at a close friends place having a few beers, and a laugh. I get a call from her, saying that she received word that she would have a teaching job next year for sure, thanks to a friend of her uncles. She's been freaking out for months that she wouldn't find a job after she graduates this year. Even though this was good news, I couldn't bring up total joy, since it gives me a feeling that I'm further 'anchored' here, which I don't really want. After she said that, she brought up the question again why I don't want to marry her (which has lead to numerous fights and discussions before). I tell her we'll talk about it when I get home.

I get home later that evening, and she seems in a good mood. We end up talking, and she asks me again, to which I reply I'm not ready, which immediately brings her in a disappointed mood again. She never understood why I'm not ready, and she still doesn't. Anyway, then for some reason I told her that one of the reasons was that I don't want to stay here forever, that I wanna go back home. I ask her if she would even consider moving with me, to which she replied no (even in the near past she talked about the possibility of moving sometime, but maybe not serious ...). Also I said that 'loving her isn't enough to make me stay here'.

All this set her off in hysteria. This logically meant for her that I would leave her, since I dont wanna stay and she does. She started crying very hard, she said that I would leave her. She started asking when I would move out then. After a while she went to the kitchen, and since a similiar situation happened like a year ago, I knew what she was thinking. I was right, when I saw how she grabbed a knife ... which I instantly took from her hands, cutting myself. She kept trying several times, trying to grab a knife, intending to kill herself. I was scared like hell at that moment. After I could drag her away from this, and calm her down a bit, she continued crying, saying she couldn't live without me. She started begging me, begging me not to leave her, that I mean everything for her, that she couldnt live without me.

I didn't know what to do at that time. I just wanted to calm her. Basically I answered her questions saying I wouldn't leave her, etc etc ... I felt like i was lying, but I wanted to calm her down. The next day I couldnt focus at work at all.

You might call me crazy, but even after this I cant just leave her. I still love her, and when she begs like that my heart breaks :'(
I cant even imagine leaving her now. She would be devastated, she wouldnt be able to finish her thesis, she would ruin her life cos of it, maybe even kill herself ... What am I supposed to do. I'm always telling myself : 'I'll wait a bit longer, maybe till she graduates. I'll wait longer, maybe everything gets mysteriously better'. Admitted, she has improved a LOT since last year, when hysteria was a weekly routine. But this I hoped I wouldn't see again.

I don't know what to do now

[ChatterBox]

She's a total flake. Home should be where the stability is, not where the chaos is.

[psu786]

What is the reasons you dnt want to marry her? The real question you need to ask yourself is do u want to start a new life with her or n be with her or go home. If she not willing to compromise how can she expect you to

[Spitfire01]

I don't know for sure what I want. I'm quite sure I don't want to stay here. I'm starting to miss my family, friends, etc. more. Plus there's a better future there than here. However, I don't know whether I want her to come or not. I know for instance that there she will probably be even more dependant on me, which I find smothering. How can I know if I want her to come or not, without actually doing it?

I'm torn up. I love her, but I don't wanna stay here anymore. I love her, but I'm not sure if it's enough, if she is what I want. Maybe my feelings of discontent are mostly being caused by my current situation at work, in this country, etc?

[SirWagginston]

Where are you from, and where are you now? What makes your new place so much worse?

[Petit Papillon]

Well he's from Poland and if I'm not mistaken ,the country he's reffering to, must be on the east of Poland (since he said their living conditions are worse than in Poland) .
Well, I would say that she's some problems with herself. I mean, who normal and healthy would treat other person to stay with a suicidal attempt? The thing is, You want to come back home and she want to stay in her country. There are two ways out: you break up and both of you stay in your homeland OR one of you gives up for sake of the other one.
I would rather think if this relationship is really worth it. I mean she has some unhealthy behaviour ,making you hurt yourself just to stop her from stabbing herself with a knife... She needs some therapy, IMO. If you decide to leave her, tell some of your mutual friends or her family to take care of her because she's suicidal, but if you want to stay with her just because she's blackmailing you, don't do that. If there is already an issue hard to resolve, I don't think it will be better in time.

[Krissykris]

Sounds to me that she's being a tad bit selfish. She should listen when you tell her you don't want to live there, you guys should be comprising not just "you" giving and not getting. I think she truly loves you, hense why she goes crazy at the thought of you leaving, but you have to see it from her point, she got offered a job after graduating, thats GREAT! So it's more what are you BOTH willing to do to keep the relationship happy, cause if you stay there you'll be unhappy and if she leaves there she "may" be unhappy. Find common ground and tell her how you feel from the heart, don't be all guy'ish and just blurt it out so frankly.

Good luck, sounds like you love her a whole hell of alot moving to be with her and she needs to understand that 'that' means a shitload!

[SirWagginston]

I agree; she sound selfish. She says she absolutely needs you to the point where life isn't worth living without you, but she refuses to move? It sounds like she needs you more than you need her, so frankly, if anyone is going to compromise, I would just assume it should be her. If the living conditions truly are better in your country, than it makes sense that to two of you should live there.

[cmacattack1]

You are the one being dishonest just to calm her down. You know how you feel and no matter what she does she can't currently change that. I also think the smothering part is that she is constantly on you about getting married and everything and with all this talk of the future, it's kind of taking the fun out of the two of you just being together. While you ultimately want to know where the relationship is going, when you lose sight of why you guys are currently together (because spending time with each other brings you happiness) it can get ugly, smothering, etc.

Some time apart I think is what's necessary for the both of you. It will tell you alot about how you feel when she isn't there anymore.

[vashti]

She sounds mentally ill.

If you really want out, next time she goes for the knife, don't stop her. I bet she doesn't do it.

[Spitfire01]

She's the one from Poland. I'm from Belgium. Basically it's better living there, more opportunities for me there etc. Plus I miss my family & friends more & more. I don't want to stay here, I'm craving to go back. But I can't. I love her. Sometimes I can imagine life without her, other times I can't. Sometimes I can't imagine someone else with her, if we would break up. Sometimes I wonder if I really love her, or if I just got 'used to her'. All these things spook through my head all the time. I already have a very indecisive nature, so this is very hard for me. Should I stay? Should I stay and wait? Should I just go? Don't know.

[SirWagginston]

You should tell her that you can't be happy there, and that if she loves you as much as she says, that she would understand and either come back with you or let you go. Just be as calm and rational as possible. Every time she says you can't leave because she needs you, return to the subject: why won't she come with you? If she says she would miss her family, tell her that you've been missing your family for quite some time just for her. If she says she already found a job, remind her that the Belgian economy is much stronger than Poland's, and that she would find another one.

[Petit Papillon]

She's polish? I feel embarassed lol

But for real, she sounds like a psycho , I don't see a bright future for you and her. And yeah,Belgium gives better quality of life than Poland, that's for sure...