People that can't let go

[therealjag]

Hi there,

I have been on this forum a few times and from my current relationship a question has become apparent.

Why is it when you want to end it with a person that the other person just can't accept it and let go?

I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now and the past 6ish months have been hell because everytime I want to end it she just wont accept it. I know theres fault on my behalf for not being stronger, but why cant people just accept that its over instead of begging and pleading for hours and days on end till the other person just accepts it and they stay together?

Don't these people realise that all they do is just put their lives in misery cos the one who wants to end it wont be happy and in turn the one who wants to stay in the relationship wont be happy cos emotionally they wont be able to get what they want from the other person if they dont want to be there.

This is how I currently feel with my girlfriend and it just makes me sad to think there are insecure people out there who just cant let go and accept when someone tells them they dont want to be with them. It just reaks of selfeshness and just puts the other persons life in misery. I seriously wish I had the strength to just change my number keep saying no for days/weeks/months on end but I guess I'm too much of a wuss or something to do that. I'd rather she just accept in her mind that its over cos at least then we can both start the grieving process and move on.

Anyway, not sure if I'm actually asking for advice, just wanted to let that out cos its bugging me!

Thanks LoveForum - you rock!

[honeyb]

You can cut contact if you really want to. You don't have to take her calls, that's what caller ID is for or just change your phone number. Block her email address or send it to spam, remove her from all your social networking site and if she's silly enough to turn up at your home, don't answer the door and if she shows up at your work(she's crazy) but tell your boss she's harassing you and they throw her out or call the police,but normally just cutting her off will work. Seems cruel but many it a year or so when she's over it you'll be able to be friends but sometimes you have to cut them off if they won't let you go. No point dragging it out just need to be honest don't stay with her if you're not happy because you'll end up hurting her and yourself more and you'll want to cheat on her or end up being mean to her everyday because you don't want to be there.

[kisswithafist]

see it from her point of view, she obviously loves you and dosent want to lose you, dont be angry with her she cant help that.

But in these situations you have to be cruel to be kind and i agree with cutting her off, just tell her you dont want her anymore and mean it, because you've been struggling with getting rid of her perhaps part of you dosent want her to go completely for whatever reason such as sex, company or just someone to turn too.

Ive split up with someone not along ago and i meant it and didnt give in, you just have to be strong, my ex even threatened to kill himself at one stage but i stayed strong, it easier said then done but if its really what you want then it can be done.

[therealjag]

Yeah thanks for that kisswithafist, I guess lately I've just been thinking about breaking up that I've forgotten to look at her point of view and that she actually loves me. I know I have to be strong and just end it cos all I keep doing is keep hurting her by staying with her because I feel resentment towards her.

I think she knows at some level that thsi relationship isn't going wel but i think she is holding onto the past too much when things were really good. To be honest, we were both immature and never really resolved the problems we know we could have faced when we started going out and its the same problems that have ruined us in the end.

My only problem now is that she is coming down for the weekend to stay over etc and now I think this is a really bad mistake....I cant even tell her to cancel it cos shes bought her tickets already :S I guess I'll have to go with the flow. Currently we aren't even kissing or anything else and I prefer it that way as it helps me clear my mind.

[Incognito]

Changing your phone number is as easy as calling your phone company. I personally have never had someone beg me to stay together, but as long as you can muster the will power to stand up for about a minute you can be on your way to ending this. It only takes about a minute to call your phone company and get your number changed. Usually there is a fee for that, but if you call from your house phone and tell them that your phone was stolen they may change the number for free. They may change it for free if you tell them that you are being harassed by someone who calls from multiple numbers (which makes blocking calls almost impossible). Bottom line is that you need to end it without letting it get to the point where you are trying to make her want to leave you by treating her badly.

If she's coming down this weekend, and already has tickets I suppose you'll have to make due. I would have the breakup conversation at the END of the weekend. Then change your number as soon as she leaves for the airport. If it will take some time for the number change to take effect, just turn your phone off until then.

[therealjag]

Shit man thats what I've been doing for the past few months cos I've been unable to end it...I wish I was more mature about the whole situation, or had went on this forum before because nowadays all i do is feel resentment and feel guilty at the same time for hurting her.

I've been trying to make her hate me so she ends it herself but that hasn't happened either and has made things really, really bad...

I'm going to do the right thing now and end it. I'll tell her not to come down and visit me and I'll just deal with the aftermath I guess. Thanks

[Incognito]

Wow! Two thumbs up ny friend!!!! I wasn't going to suggest that because there was money involved, but if you're willing to deal with it you should go for it. The longer you let this go on the harder it will be. Let us know how things go for you. Again, good job. If I had more thumbs I'd give you more than two thumbs up

[kisswithafist]

your doing the right thing. if she came down for the weekend i suspect you would both have a terrible time, but this way you dont need to see her which is best for both of you.
i know its terrible but you need to stick to your guns, dont let her talk you round, as she has the tickets already she may try to work her way round you that way by bringing up the fact shes spent money. but she needs it to be made clear to her its over, and by doing this i think its pretty clear.

[therealjag]

Yeah I know, its the right thing to do. I know its cold but it has to be done for her sake and for mines. I just told her there that she shouldn't come and that we have to end it. I told her i dont want to be with her anymore and i'm sick of causing her pain.

I feel so guilty though cos I know how much shes hurting . I just want to tell her that it will be fine but I'm sure she wont listen. I'm sittin here at work n I'm trying to stop myself from crying cos its really painful. Maybe I should have waited till work finished but I couldnt hold it any longer.

[therealjag]

man she keeps beggin n pleadin with me to see her and let her come down 2moro...I really want to say no but part of me wants to say yes...its so difficult to know someones heart is breaking cos of me.

[kisswithafist]

im really sorry you feel like this but if you honestly dont want her stick to it!!, im sorry shes hurting but she will get over it in time, lots of other people have to, people break up everyday and it really hurts but in the long run it hurts more to stay with them. so will you be willing to stay with her and waste your time and be unhappy and dragged down, because thats what staying in a relationship you dont want to be in does, just to not hurt her feelings?

i know i sound like a cow but think about yourself.

[VincenzoG91]

Take a cue from Seinfeld, and try The Pick. Just pick your nose in front of her until she is disgusted and loses all interest.

[Incognito]

Listen tehrealjag. I don't share this story too often, but it highlights the decision you have made. When I was 18 I was dating an older woman. We were talking about getting married and the whole nine yards. Well she found out that she has multiple sclorosis and her health declined raplidly over the next few weeks. I was suffering from depression at the time, but I had to make a decision. Stay with her, marry her, watch her die and be eaten alive by grief until I killed myself. OR Break the relationship off by telling her exactly what was going on in my head, my reasons for my decision, and then following through. I wrote her a letter, then called and explained. That was the most I had ever cried in my life, but it had to be done. I knew that because I was already depressed, and she was rapidly deteriorating that she would die, and I would then kill myself. Some things have to be done. Stick with it, and don't talk to her any more or else your emotions will get the better of you. Talk to a friend, or a relative to get it all out, but NOT TO HER.

[kisswithafist]

Listen tehrealjag. I don't share this story too often, but it highlights the decision you have made. When I was 18 I was dating an older woman. We were talking about getting married and the whole nine yards. Well she found out that she has multiple sclorosis and her health declined raplidly over the next few weeks. I was suffering from depression at the time, but I had to make a decision. Stay with her, marry her, watch her die and be eaten alive by grief until I killed myself. OR Break the relationship off by telling her exactly what was going on in my head, my reasons for my decision, and then following through. I wrote her a letter, then called and explained. That was the most I had ever cried in my life, but it had to be done. I knew that because I was already depressed, and she was rapidly deteriorating that she would die, and I would then kill myself. Some things have to be done. Stick with it, and don't talk to her any more or else your emotions will get the better of you. Talk to a friend, or a relative to get it all out, but NOT TO HER.

Thats exactly what i mean! you do really need to think about yourself, because when it comes down to it no one else will, you cant do what you dont want to do to please people. i used to do what people wanted me to do as far as emotions went but its not worth it in the end.

[urkiddingme]

hey man, i have just gone through a very similar situation, i know what you mean, it is how i felt about this last one quite often and i just didnt know how to end it. but now the crazy thing is SHE finally ended it on me and it backfired and hurt me somewhat! so yea definitely end before you find yourself becoming attached at any level, and before you put her through any more unneccesary pain. in my personal experience, we worked it out and were friends still, but i have accepted it is over, and it just wont work, and that she is not the "one"