HELP ME! Girlfriend way to close with her best friend, intimidating me

[JJfromphilly]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months now. She is the best. We already say we love each other, and the only time we argue it is over one thing and one thing only- her best friend (a woman).

Let me start off by saying my girlfriend has been living with her best friend for many years now. They were roommates in college, and now that they both have graduated they still live together. They are inseperable. Closer than any 2 people I have ever seen in my life. Thank god I like her friend or this would be even worse!

They are basicly like a married couple. They do EVERYTHING together. It can be very intimidating. My girlfriend is definitely the submissive one, and her friend the dominate one. Not to the point where my girlfriend is meek or has trouble speaking her mind, but she is just used to going with the flow. This is just the way it is, and it has always worked for them. Most times my girlfriend will not make her weekend plans until she knows what her friend is doing. I have always got the impression that I come second, after her friend. I wish I could be as close to her as her friend, and I wish I could spend the time with her that her friend does. We do see other a good amount, but still usually only 3-4 times a week. (may be a lot to some but for me I want more. Lol)

My problem is that I feel like I’m with someone who is already married. It almost seems as if she is already taken. What do I do? I am constantly finding myself being enviouse of their closeness. I am the third wheel when we all hang out. They constantly talk about things I know nothing about, inside jokes, friends iv never met. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

Its hard to get one on one time with my girlfriend. When we visit her parents, it is ALWAYS with her friend. When we go on vacation or even small trips its ALWAYS with her friend and their group. And every weekend she has her days planned out so she almost always has to be home with her friend.

The times she has chosen to chill with me over her friend, the friend usually gets angry at her, and my girl ends up moping around about it and it ruins our time together.

My real problem is the fact that I just found out that in 5 months, they are signing another one year lease together. This means im looking at over 2 years before we could even think about moving in together, and even then I don’t see how it would all of a sudden change. Usually I wouldn’t give moving in a second thought until some more time passes, but now that I know she is already set up for another year with her friend it scares the shit out of me.

My girlfriend has recently told me (when she had a small buzz on) that she wants to be with me for the rest of her life, and thinks I may be the one she wants to marry and have kids with. This talk doesn’t scare me too much because I agree with her…for the first time in my life it feels like a real possibility.

This makes it worse because if she feels this way, than why does she already have her next couple years planned out with her friend, and not me?

At the same time, my girl has never had a relationship like this, and cant just drop her best friend because she now has a boyfriend. I get that.

There are times that when I think of spending another year and a half like this... I feel like I can’t do it. But then again, I love her very much and want her in my life no matter what I have to deal with.

She is definitely worth it, but she is starting to get angry with me because of my moods and constant bitching about her friend. Eventually im sacared my bitching will ware her thin and she will choose her friend over me and move on.

HELP ME! What do I do? She promises me this will change one day but I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. i just want a normal relationship where people are always around. I am a very personal person and i hate the fact that the girlfriend knows so much about my girl and our relationship.

I just want to have normal dates with my girl. Do things on saterday. All she ever wants to do is spend time with her friend and their group and go out.

Anybody been in a simular situation?

[VincenzoG91]

Why doesn't her friend have a boyfriend (or girlfriend)? Is it possible that they are more than friends? Or that her friend wishes they were more than friends? I don't see how your relationship with her will get better unless her friend gets her own significant other. And unless that happens, you're going to be unhappy with this relationship. Maybe you can persuade your girlfriend that her friend needs love, too, and that the two of you can help her meet someone. If not, you can wait around for a while and hope things get better, or just move on.

[JJfromphilly]

Vincenzo. thanks a lot of what u said is how i feel.

Here is the kicker. The friends boyfriend lives in Virginia. They actually see each other a good amount for a long term relationship (at least a weekend a month she flys down there)....but still, thats another problem.

The other thing that bothers me is that i feel like if the friend decided to move to Virginia then my girl would magicly transform into the girl of my dreams and would probably move in with me before the 2 1/2 year mark.

That makes me angry that her friend has so much power in our relationship.... scary.


thanks vince, and nah, its not a lesbian thing. But they are weirdly close haha

[JJfromphilly]

her friend seems like the type that even if she had a boyfriend that lived close by, she would still spend every minute of her life with my girl. Just the way she is, she doesnt care about 1 on 1 time, and even when her boyfriend visits from out of state, she usually wants my girl to hang with them....

[VincenzoG91]

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like this situation is going to get better. You have expressed your feelings to her about this situation, and she still doesn't see a problem. If she doesn't see the problem, she isn't going to look for a solution. Let her know that this is a deal-breaker and then move on.

[davidtorres]

why would u be intimidated with her bestfriend that is a GIRL? lol

[Krissykris]

I can see where you're coming from, and from girls perspective, she's not really doing too much wrong. Her friend is probably lonely and wants her best friend to be around her and isn't willing to give her up to a guy yet. It sounds like her friend isn't quite being very' friend'ly' at all. If my best friend had a guy I would WANT her to spend time with him, but save a couple nights for me.

If she's signing another 1 year lease with her friend, I would talk with her and say that you want to live with her soon, see what she says. Have you told her the 100% honest truth about how you feel? Not just nagging about her friend, cause it's not all her friends fault, it's hers too, she's not taking the extra time to CHOOSE to be with you.
You could play reverse psychology and do this to her and see how she feels, but with these games, remember that it could blow up in your face but sometimes it gives the other person a taste of their own medicine.

[SirWagginston]

I empathize with you, man. My last ex was always going out with friends. I never really saw her on weekends, because she would "have" to do things with them, or else she'd fell guilty.

You have it a little better, though. My ex's friends would often say I couldn't come along with them. At least you can be there when she and her friend are hanging out. I think that gives you a better chance. It would require a lot of patience, but if you can stick it out, you can continue to develop a relationship with your girlfriend that way. Eventually, your advantage as a lover may start to turn the tides in your favor.

[MissAnn]

I have a friend who I am very close to, not THAT close to, but it has caused problems for me in the past with relationships. For me, I tend to take a lot of time to open up to someone and feel comfortable with them. Because of this, in the beginning I intentionally make sure I still schedule in time with my friend(s) so that I can keep some distance and move more slowly. That said, when past boyfriends have brought up their discomfort with this I was sure to compromise.

You said her friend is kind of the leader in the situation? Do you think your girlfriend has become so used to have decisions made for her that she is scared to step out on her own? It doesn't sound like a healthy friendship. What does she say when you complain about the time she devotes to her friend?

[JJfromphilly]

thanks everybody... i will adress everything and thanks so much for your opinion.

Intimidating may be the wrong word. Just because its a girl doesnt mean i cant be a little jelous.


You said her friend is kind of the leader in the situation? Do you think your girlfriend has become so used to have decisions made for her that she is scared to step out on her own? It doesn't sound like a healthy friendship. What does she say when you complain about the time she devotes to her friend? EXACTLY.... the part that bothers me is that if her friend moved away i feel like we would be moving in within a matter of months...thats really the worst part. If she legitamately wanted to wait 6 years id be ok with it but i feel like we have no say...

On the other hand, im my girls first real boyfriend, and she cant just drop her best friend for the first reklationship that comes around.

The real problem is they are unnaturally close. VERY CLOSE. i mean they poop in front of each other. haha im not even joking. Not like any roomates i have ever seen. They occasionally wear matching outfits and scarfs and the whole thing is just too much for me!

I dont even want more time with her persay, we spend a lot of days together,... just not so much "quality time"... i just want to be her anchor, the person she comes home to. We never get weekends together. The girlfriend has to come to everything. I guess im a control freek with woman and im clearly not in control!

See another problem is i dont really feel like going to the bars every weekend with her friends...im 27 and shes 23 and im kind of over that shit. Only reason i ever went to bars was to pick up girls. She is great about inviting me out with them and almost NEVER has asked for time with her friends without me. Thats a good thing, your right.

Shes worth it...and ill keep dealing...but i wish i could so something about it! I have said my true feelings but i have also nagged about the friend too.


Is it wrong of me to step into this, when they have been chilling for 7 eyars now? weve been going out just shy of 7 months.

[JimJam]

Hey there, I'm a bit late to this party.

It's weird man. I know the 'net is huge and all, but I didn't think it'd be possible to find another person out there in such a similar situation. It's not the same EXACT situation, but there's enough there for me to feel comfort in knowing there's someone else out there.

I've typed a bit out already and I'm realizing I need to preface this by saying that I love my girlfriend more than anything, she's the single most amazing girl I've ever met. And things are still great between us. I just really really need to vent.

Main difference here is that my girlfriend and I were 'best friends' for years before we started dating and she's known her new 'best friend' for about a year now. Also, we're in college. We fell for each other and things were perfect for such a long time. And then she came along. Not to say that I hate her new friend or anything, (she's actually a really fun and interesting person) but I feel like she's encroached in on my girlfriend. It was alright for awhile, but as time wore on she's become really needy and clingy and spends nearly every waking moment with my girl. My girlfriend is tolerant of it and doesn't mind most of the time, 'cuz, hey! she has a good buddy with her to hang out with. She's even moved into my girl's bedroom as a temporary thing (she apparently can't stand her roommates) and then just never left. So I can't even sleep in my girlfriend's BED any more (in a non-sexual cuddling way, we find time at my place).

They spend so much time together, they've also become okay with pooping in front of each other (what the hell?). I'm not worried about this girl 'stealing' my girlfriend away or anything, but I miss how things were between us. Her friend is definitely the one in power in their friendship and my girl goes along with it. I'm always invited and welcome to their plans any time they do anything or go anywhere, but laksdjflksdjfasdfadsljvn I miss having time between just the two of us more often. Since they're together night and day they have their own inside jokes and talk about subjects I'm not well versed in, makes me feel... like I'm dumb sometimes, like I'm not well versed enough to keep up with them.

On a handful of occasions when I'm alone with my girl, her friend will have a panic attack out of nowhere and NEEDS my girl. She can't get over it herself or grab another one of her friends. Only my girl. And so she leaves, leaving me slackjawed.

We're almost done with school and the two of them are going to sign a lease together afterward. I have no problem with this, we're only 22 and we've got all the time in the world to live together, you know? Also, they'll have separate rooms, which means I can at least sleep with my girl again. (which I'm okay with most of the time and then I think about how it's her instead of me sleeping in that bed and alkdsjfalkdsjfaoijfda)

I think things will get better in time, but in the meantime it's hard to cope.

They have SO ****ing much in common and talk non-stop... I'm sometimes afraid that I'm unwanted. I can't contribute to their conversations nearly as much as I want to be able to, 'cuz of all their inside jokes and shit.

Hang in there. Lord knows I am.

[Junket]

My g/f sent me this when I told her about your situation: [url=http://www.hulu.com/watch/107508/saturday-night-live-roomies]Hulu - Saturday Night Live: Roomies[/url]

Maybe you should show her this to help shine some light on your perspective?

[Mish]

I just want to have normal dates with my girl. Do things on saterday. All she ever wants to do is spend time with her friend and their group and go out.

Have you spoken to her about this situation? And by spoken I mean saying something along the lines of "I like and respect your friend, but having her with us ALL the time makes me very uncomfortable and I don't know if I will be able to continue being in a relationship with you if she doesn't give us any space".

It sounds like this situation is potentially a complete deal breaker for you and if it is you should voice it out.

[Canine]

Usually i like to come on these forums and say the answer is simple, but I can't this time around although i do think that there is a solution. When it comes to a relationship one thing is clear, if one person thinks there is a problem and the other doesn't then guess what.. There will always be problems. One day its this, then the next day it's another. To be quite frank if you can't solve this by talking then i think you will walk into a big hole. Relationships are about understanding, teamwork, mutual-grounds... If you guys cannot speak your minds and address problems freely, then you will continue to encounter problems. One day this problem may be solved, but what about the next and the next. Will it continue to be seen as nagging? Just words? I think the first thing that needs to happen is that your girlfriend needs to acknowledge you and acknowledge that you think there is a problem. If she does realize it and is willing to work on it then I think she is a keeper.. If not, I think you should seriously reconsider your life partner.

[keen_insight_69]

Look bro, grow a set, who's girl is this? This girl your dating seems like she might of had some really bad relationships and she's using the friend as a lifeline. You break up with her, she's still has her friend, following here? You can try one of two things that might work, first try hooking her up with a friend dude. Second find out what kind of things your girlfriend likes to do that her friend doesnt. Start doing them with your girlfriend and whala you got some one on one time with her. You go do something she likes and then you could aways do something after that you like, that way it works for both of you. If you get her to spend more time with you then she will feel less dependent on the lifeline and your set. But whatever you do, dont instigate that she's gay, unless your girl tells you, in which case thats a whole another problem all together. Good luck...